Judgement and Jealousy

"I can't believe he would do that!" Lily exclaimed.

My dorm mates were sitting around my bed in the hospital wing.

"Even I can't think he would stoop that low." Molly said.

I turned and looked at Alice.

"Which one did you choose?"

She looked confused for a moment, then they all started laughing.

"The blue." She said, I chuckled and ended up choking.

"Shad?" Lily was up and trying to help in an instant.

I waved her away and tried breathing, eventually getting it right.

"He could have killed you!" Molly exclaimed.

"Shame Shad, I mean, with every thing going on..." Lily refrained from actually mentioning anything about my mother.

"Lily!" Alice scolded

"It is true though." Lily said calmly. "Why haven't the team been to visit you yet?"

She turned back to me.

"Madame Pickford wouldn't let them stay," I responded, "she dragged Wood out whilst he was trying to say they would come back later and that he'd sort Sirius out, and make him apologise, he could barely finish three words."

"What is with this school and choosing grumpy nurses who all have names starting with 'P'?" Alice asked.

We all laughed.

Only this time I didn't choke.

Sirius was hiding in the library. He was trying to avoid both the Quidditch team, especially Wood, and the Marauders. So far he had been successful, but sooner or later...

He made a decision. Sirius headed up to the hospital wing. He was trying to convince himself that he was only going there because it was the last place the others would expect him to be. Really he knew he wanted to talk to Shad, not yell, just talk. If he found her asleep that was ok, Shadow didn't need to hear, he just needed to speak to her, and if she was concussed, well, maybe he could talk to her without there being an argument....

Sirius arrived at the hospital wing shortly after visiting hours. He snuck in anyway, like they had after Moony's transformations so many times before.

He arrived at the small room and took a quick peek in. Shadow was asleep. He tiptoed in, and quietly took a seat.

"Shad? Are you asleep?"

He watched nervously.

No response.

"That's ok. You don't need to hear me; I just want you to listen."

He eyed the still figure.

"I- I- well, I guess I want to say- to say, that I'm sorry, really, really sorry, not just for today, but for this whole thing."

He paused for a bit.

"I guess it's useless talking to you now really, but I just wanted to try."

"It's not always useless." Came the reply.

Sirius virtually jumped out of his skin.

"You're awake."

"In a manner of speaking." I said. "Care to tell me what you wanted to say?"

"No, it's fine, really." He gave a slightly bitter face.

"Oh, so you don't want to apologise?"

"Why would I?"

"You mean you didn't want to earlier? Or have you had a change of heart?"

Sirius scowled.

"Wood didn't send you..." I looked at him. "So, I guess you must be here of your own free will."

He said nothing.

"Just admit it ok?!"

"Admit what?!" Sirius exploded. "That you're being a traitor?! That you're protecting Slytherins?! You'll probably help them deface Gryphindor!"

I stared at him, a few minutes ago he had been wanting to apologise, now he was raving.

"And all because of that bloody snake Snape!"

"Why would I do anything for Snape?! It's not like He's my boyfriend or anything!"

Sirius suddenly went silent.

"Oh, my..."

I stared at him.

Sirius left in a rush.

I lay there in shock. Sirius had really thought that? Was he jealous? Did Sirius Black see us as more than friends? Was I special to him? Could he actually believe I could have anything but distaste for Snape?

My mind reeled for the rest of the night.

The next morning Madame Pickford allowed me out, but only after much bullying pleading and eventually an attempted escape.

I went down to breakfast, I would meet everyone there.

We sat down next to the Marauders. Lily ended up sitting next to James. I sat next to Sirius. He tried extremely hard to ignore me.

The others tried to ease the tension with conversation but the vibe remained, it was killing me, then I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Are you jealous?" I suddenly blurted out, my night making me restless and uncomfortable.

Sirius had to acknowledge my presence, forced reality affecting him almost like a physical blow. The rest of the group, Marauders and Reds, my dorm mates, both went silent and watched the first words - to their knowledge - me and Sirius had exchanged in three weeks.

"No." Sirius tried to scoff, but something caught.

I stared at him as if some huge revelation had just occurred, which it most clearly had.

"Oh, my word." I continued staring. "How could you even believe that?"

The others were shocked that we were even speaking to one another, let alone decently.

"I never said that I did."

"But you refused to talk about it, walking out like that."

"I didn't want to get in trouble."

"Really?" I raised one very sceptical eyebrow. "A Marauder afraid of trouble?"

"Look, just leave it." Sirius suddenly exclaimed.

"No."

Sirius stared at me, I stared back, we stayed like that for a while.

Sirius shook his head as if trying to dislodge the after effects of a dream.

"Do I disconcert you?" I stared at him.

No answer.

"Can we continue this somewhere else, sometime else?" Sirius said staring over my shoulder at the entrance to the hall, where Snape had just arrived.

I sensed what Sirius was staring at.

"You want to ask him?"

Sirius returned his gaze to me.

"Are you out of your mind?"

"I very well could be, I just got smashed by a bludger and fell two hundred and thirty feet straight down, anything you want to say?"

Sirius gave a 'why do you have to do this?' look.

"I already have." He mumbled.

"Sorry?" I asked, my choice of the word was entirely deliberate.

He glared at me.

"Yes." Again you could barely hear what he said.

"I couldn't hear that, would you like to try it again?"

"Alright! For Fuck Sake Yes! You happy yet?!" He suddenly shouted.

He got up and turned to leave.

"Maybe we should have that later somewhere else thing." I said.

Sirius turned to face me.

"Bloody hell! What more do you want?!"

"I want the answer. Just one simple answer. Why?"

"I'm not, ok?!" Sirius looked at me with eyes that were both angry and hurt. "So there is no 'why'!"

We stepped out of the hall and found an empty classroom.

"Ok, go on, tell me."

Sirius just looked at me disbelievingly.

"Look, there's nothing to tell."

"You seem to be having a very deluded overactive imagination about my non-existent relationship with Snape!"

He looked away, not able to deny it, not able to admit.

I continued.

"Normally someone has a reason for being angered about someone else's relationships, and one has to have a very good reason for believing in non-existent ones!"

Sirius was staring very hard at the wall. His eyes refused to meet mine.

"Look, I thought you had a thing with him, you always protect him, always on his side, you're in Gryphindor for Pete's sake! Supporting Slytherin is treachery!"

"I don't support Slytherin!"

"Fine, then this is over, and you can stop pushing it!"

"I don't think so, but," I threw my hands up. "I'll leave it."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Written by ArbDreamer

Most of these characters and places belong to JK rowling, though I'm sure I would have been nicer to them if they were mine.

Well, maybe...