Title: Nowhere To Go
Author: Roslyn Drycof
Chapter: Two: Awful Hands
Rating: R (for swearing and mentions of rape and child-abuse)
Warnings: non-graphic child abuse, non-graphic rape; future themes of cutting, thoughts of suicide, slash
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: What if you were trapped in a situation from which there was no escape? Both Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are imprisoned by memories of pain they can't run from. Can they help each other find peace? HPDM. Non-graphic child abuse. Slash.
Disclaimer: The usual disclaimer which says I don't own Harry Potter in any way possible in this dimension (or in any dimension, for that matter)
That night, Harry stumbled into bed more tired than he'd been in so long. The strain of trying to keep up the facade or normality had taken it's toll on his frail body. His bruises ached every time he moved, his mind clouded with fear every time someone touched him. He couldn't handle it.
He'd watched Malfoy during supper, his suspicions slowly being confirmed at every movement the blond made. He tensed every time someone made a sharp movement. He flinched when Blaise Zabini placed a hand on his arm when talking to him. He looked like he wanted to gag when Pansy gave him a hug. And his eyes. . .they were as cold as always, but Harry could see the pain and fear hiding in their silvery depths. To someone who these emotions were no stranger, he could easily see them in someone else. And Malfoy was overwhelmed by them.
Harry could also see other evidence to his suspicions. Malfoy was much thinner than he used to be, his wrists almost skeletal and his cheekbones hollowed. He looked as if a strong wind could blow him over. Not too much different than from how I look. . .
Yet why would Draco be abused by his father? Yes, Lucius Malfoy was a sadistic bastard. But that did not necessarily mean he would abuse his only son, his heir.
Reflecting on this, Harry slowly came to a horrifying conclusion. What if Lucius had been changed more than he'd thought by his brief stay in Azkaban before he'd managed to be declared innocent? What if he'd caused Lucius to begin abusing Draco?
Suddenly awake, he jerked out of bed and stared out the window that was beside his bed. He crawled onto the ledge and felt tears trace down his alabaster cheeks. If Malfoy was indeed being abused, then it was his fault.
Wasn't everything his fault? He always managed to get someone hurt or killed. First his parents. And then Cedric. And Sirius. And now. . .Malfoy.
flashback
"You worthless piece of shit, you're only good for one thing. And that's spreading your pretty legs," a cruel voice taunted.
He whimpered, struggling to get away. No! He didn't want to be here!
"Boy, I said not to move!" A hand slammed against his ribs, causing the air to rush out of Harry's lungs.
Tears leaked out of emerald eyes. Seeing them, Vernon grinned. "You look so pretty like that. Cry for me, Boy."
"No!" Harry yelled, pushing at his uncle. Why was he doing this to him?
Anger flared in Vernon's piggy eyes. "I said to stay still!"
Another hand smashed into him, immobilizing Harry by the intense pain it caused. "It's your fault you're here, so don't try to escape your fate."
"How is it my fault?!" Harry cried out, his voice hoarse from crying.
A leer twisted Vernon's bloated lips. "You had to go and get so pretty. I'm glad you got your parents killed. You're mine now, all mine. My worthless, little pretty boy."
end flashback
Pain coursed through the emerald-eyed teen. If only he hadn't gotten "pretty" as uncle Vernon called his looks. If only he'd gotten ugly.
It was his fault for being pretty. And it was his fault for making Lucius Malfoy even more twisted than before. All his fault.
His eyes staring blankly ahead of him, he opened the window and stared out into the night. Why shouldn't he just end his worthless life right now? Why shouldn't he just die so he couldn't cause more pain to people?
He knew he couldn't. Not until he killed Voldemort once and for all, that is. When that monster was gone, there'd be nothing to stop him from jumping. Nothing to stop him from ending his farce of a life. He wanted that day to come with all his heart. . .
Harry's first class the next day was Advanced Double Potions. He'd just barely managed to get into the course. He needed it to become an Auror. That's what he'd wanted to be before the summer. Now, he wanted to die. Maybe Snape would kill him off in this class. A boy could hope.
Only four people took this class. Him, Hermione, Blaise Zabini, and Malfoy. Only they had managed to score high enough on the OWLS to get into it.
"I am not going to tolerate mistakes in this class. Too many, and you will be pulled from the course. Understood? Good. Today, we will make the Memorii Potion. It allows a person to see one memory of another person. Partners are Zabini and Granger, Malfoy and Potter. Get to work," Snape barked at the four students as soon as they slid into their seats.
"Great, just great," Harry muttered as he dumped his stuff on Malfoy's desk. He didn't want Malfoy to see a memory of his. Even if the Slytherin was being abused, there was no way he'd give up the chance to humiliate his biggest rival.
Malfoy looked more like his usual self this morning. There was still something in his eyes, but other than that he looked almost normal.
"You heard Snape, get to work," the blond snapped.
Glaring, Harry did as he said. He didn't want to start the year off by getting points taken away from Gryffindor. When he returned to the table moments later, he was surprised to see that Malfoy had the cauldron ready.
"Don't stare at me as if I'm some three-headed dog," Draco sneered, one of his hands clenching into a fist. He hated people staring at him!
Harry wanted to laugh at the analogy Malfoy had made. Three-headed dog? It reminded him of Fluffy. Suppressing that urge, he opened his Potions book and read the directions.
Amazingly, they worked pretty well together. For once, Malfoy wasn't in the mood to taunt his nemesis to make him screw up. Considering he didn't want to fail Potions, Harry was glad the grey-eyed teen was being quiet.
Near the end of class, their potion turned the required amethyst color. Simultaneously, and albeit a little slowly, they raised their vials to their mouths and swallowed the contents. Almost immediately, a swirling feeling invaded their minds.
Harry was horrified at the images that ripped through his mind. Malfoy, chained to a wall, his back bloodied. Lucius ripping his clothes off. Fingers slick with blood running through Draco's silky hair. Horrid whispers of lust and hatred.
Not that what Draco saw was any less terrible. The blond wanted to gag at the memory tearing at his mind. Potter, pressed into a musty bed. Bruises marring his pale skin, yellowed and purpled. Thick, meaty hands moving across a body much too small. Tears soaking into a pillow as pain ripped through him.
Both boys collapsed to their knees, bile rising in their throats. They turned shocked eyes to each other, pain radiating in waves through their minds.
"No. . .nonononono!" Draco cried out, covering his head with his hands and rocking back and forth.
Harry couldn't breathe. Malfoy's memory kept replaying again and again in his mind. His lungs burned, he couldn't catch his breath. No! Make it go away!
He felt a scream rip free from his insides and he covered his ears with his hands. "Nooooooooo!"
Hands reached towards him and he skidded back until he was hidden underneath the work table. No hands!
Someone slammed into him and he stared into the terrified eyes of his greatest rival. They huddled under the table, ignoring the voices and the hands that tried to get them out of there.
"Don't let them touch me," Malfoy whispered hoarsely, shaking.
Harry couldn't promise any such thing. The hands, oh the awful hands! He felt himself sinking into memories. . .the hands doing awful things. . .oh, the hands! Make them go away!
Hermione knelt on the ground, staring at her best friend and their enemy with horror in her chocolate eyes. What was wrong with them?
She'd been working quietly with Zabini when she'd seen them collapse to the ground. She'd been shocked at their terror-filled eyes and their shaking bodies. And then Malfoy had cried out. When Harry had screamed not moments later, she'd felt her insides go cold. Something was horribly wrong with them.
Running over to them, she tried to touch Harry, but he'd shied away as if she were some horrible thing. Blaise had tried the same thing with Malfoy, but the results had been the same. They wouldn't let anyone touch them. And their eyes were so blank. . .it was like they were in some other world.
"Draco! Potter!" Professor Snape yelled, worry lines etching into his face. There was no reaction to his voice.
"Did they make the potion incorrectly?" Hermione asked him, a panicky feeling in her stomach.
His eyes flicked over to their cauldron, which was simmering a nice amethyst color. "No. It's perfect."
"Then what went wrong?!" she asked shrilly.
Normally he would've taken points off Gryffindor. Instead, he muttered, "I don't know. All I can think of is that they saw a memory from each other that wasn't exactly pleasant."
Blaise frowned. "But a bad memory shouldn't cause them to act like this!"
Hermione closed her eyes and tried to think. "If it's bad enough, it can. But only if they have a personal reaction to the memory, like if they've been through the same thing."
"But that shouldn't cause them to go mental! And besides, Potter and Malfoy would never have gone through the same thing. They're from entirely different worlds."
Severus Snape disagreed with Zabini. He'd seen what Potter's like had been like with those wretched muggles. And he knew exactly what Draco's life was like. Hell. Except. . .he hadn't seen Draco the entire summer. But what could scar two teenage boys enough to cause such a reaction in them?
He didn't know, but realized that Madame Pomfrey had better be called when the two boys started hyperventilating.
"Ms. Granger, get Madame Pomfrey. Now!" he snapped, fear settling in his stomach as they huddled into the corner of the table even more. Their eyes were glassy, as if they were reliving memories of experiences they never should've experienced in the first place.
Hermione obeyed the professor without delay, running out of the classroom as fast as she could. She cursed the entire way that the infirmary was so far away. What if something even worse happened to Harry and Malfoy while she was gone?
She skidded into the infirmary, almost falling into a bed. "Madame Pomfrey! Come quick!"
The medi-witch bustled out of her office, concerned at the note of panic in the girl's voice. "What is it, dear?"
"Harry and Malfoy are in shock or something! They suddenly started screaming and hid under the table in Potions!" Hermione rushed out in one breath.
Madame Pomfrey lifted a hand to her mouth in surprise. If the boys were indeed in shock, this was very serious. They could have permanent damage if something wasn't done to snap them out of it!
She bustled towards the Potions room at a brisk pace, easily following behind the seventh year Gryffindor girl.
When they arrived in the classroom, they found Blaise with a bite mark on his arm and Professor Snape slumped at his desk, his head cradled in his arms.
"Oh dear!" She gasped, immediately hurrying over to the table where Harry and Draco huddled. The blank, fear-filled look in their eyes confirmed everything. They were indeed in shock, and badly so.
"Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter, can you hear me?" she asked softly, kneeling down to their level.
Both boys turned to look at her, only a small glimmer of recognition in their eyes. She reached out a hand and they both flinched, moans of terror spilling from their mouths.
"No hands. . ." Harry whispered, staring at her hand as if it were some terrible monster.
The medi-witch moved her hand away and saw the boys relax slightly. Why were they so terrified of being touched?
"Boys, can you come out here? I promise not to touch you, but you need to go to the infirmary with me."
Infirmary? Harry heard the word through a daze and felt his mind snap. The memories faded disappeared and he felt reality come crashing down around him. If he went to the infirmary, she'd see his bruises.
"No! I'm not going," he scowled.
"Mr. Potter, you are obviously in shock. You must come with me so you can get better."
"No. I'm not setting one foot in that wretched place. I'm not going to let you anywhere near me, you evil butcher."
"Mr. Potter!"
Malfoy let out a sharp bark of laughter at her expression. "You'll never get him to go."
She glared at him, forgetting that she had to be gentle with shock patients. "He will go, and so will you!"
"Oh, really? And how will you do that? Drag us?" he sneered, his icy mask beginning to fall back into place on his cold features.
She pulled out her wand, a useful tool with reluctant would-be patients.
Before she could mutter a single immobilizing spell, they both whipped out their wands and shouted, "Stupefy!"
Their spell caused Professor Snape to jump up and stare at his students in stunned surprise. They'd actually cast a spell on Madame Pomfrey?! They could get expelled for that!
Harry turned to Malfoy and tilted his head in the direction of the door. For once, they were in exact agreement. With agile movements, they crawled out from under the table and raced towards the door. In moments they were gone, disappearing down the corridor.
All three non-frozen people in the Potions room stared in shock as the two boys ran away. What was going on with them? There was something seriously wrong. . .
Going into shock
I just can't stay
Got to get away
Don't want to fall
Don't understand
Can't stop the screams
Can't afford to lose it all
Shut my eyes
Don't want to see
Don't want to know
My mind is tired
So empty inside
Too much lying
Sick of crying
Need salvation
Want redemption
When will this all end
Fallen angel
Lost in this hell
Eyes clenched tight
Can't seem to breathe
Hiding, always hiding
Lost in the lie
Lost pretending
Can't say goodbye
Twisting, turning
Shaking, burning
My soul is broken
I'm so hollow inside
Too much lying
Sick of crying
Need salvation
Want redemption
When will this all end
A/N: I know this chapter was a bit confusing, but I meant to write it this way. Harry and Draco's emotions are all chaotic, so I made the scene chaotic. (Just to clear this up if anyone was wondering why the hell I made this so crazy-like)
Oh, and the song posted at the end of this chapter is written by me, although I posted it on a Digimon fic (slash, of course) under then pen name DarkBryna1724 last year. All my fics under Dark Bryna are my less mature fics, so that's why their under a different name. Although, a couple of those fics are pretty good. I'm thinking of getting rid of the pen name and posting a few stories under this pen name. What do you think? Should I?
Anyway, please review. I won't continue this story if no one likes it. I love the story, but I won't write if no one is reading it. So, please don't be lazy and review! (please?)
Roslyn Drycof.