Well, hey there, good-looking. What's a nice, live mortal doing down here in a place like this?
Here? Oh yeah, it's Hell all right. Old school. You've reached Tartarus, one of the Pagan Hells. Hades and Persephone and all that. What, the three-headed dog and boatman didn't clue you in? Damn, you're thick.
Of course that's Cerberus. How many three-headed dogs do you know?
"Fluffy" doesn't count. Hope that J.K. Rowling chick ends up here. Then she and Cerberus can have a nice friendly chat. Show her what a real dog acts like. Speaking of which, how'd you get past ol' Cerbie anyway?
A Twinkie? Ha! That's a new one. For such a scary looking beast, he's crap at keeping the unsavory types out. Poets and heroes and like. Hey, ya never answered my first question? What're you doing down here?
'Looking for proof of an afterlife' type, are you? Blasted mortals, always so curious. Curiosity killed more than the cat, sweetheart.
This isn't the only Hell, you dimwit. That's why you're seeing every ethnic type in the world. We all blended together. It takes the damned awhile to find their own Hell. Tartarus is the Hell for the Grecco-Roman pagans. The Judeo-Christian Hell is somewhere down the left. I don't go there much; creepy place. That Devil has a wicked sense of humor though.
Yeah, for a while all the Hells had a nice amount of real estate, but lately they've been crammed together like really unpleasant sardines. Lots more people equals lots more sinning and dying.
Oh yeah, this place is just like in all the stories. Sorta. Lately, things have gotten modernized. Non-stop pop music.
Not even a bloody chuckle? You deep-thinking types really suck for laughs, ya know that?
What does it matter that I don't sound Greek or Roman? We're not confined here all the time, git. We're not the ones who're damned. I'm a well-traveled demon.
Yeah, Persephone really does come down here every winter. Hah, you should see her about mid-winter. In the beginning of winter she's unpacking and moping, and at the end of winter she's all hopeful, counting down the days till she can shake off Mr. I'm-Gonna-Marry-My-Niece. But mid-winter she gets down and dirty, nasty and bitchy.
No, not to the damned. She's still too much the good girl to torture. To the demons she doesn't like, mostly. Fortunately, I'm on her good side. But she loves causing chaos, our Queen.
Naw, Hades doesn't say anything most of the time. She has him by the balls.
Sure they fight. All couples do. 'Specially cause he kidnapped her. She's still kind of sore about that. And when they go at it...well, you ever seen Kill Bill, Volume 1? It's like watching cats fight. Big, deadly cats.
Oh ho, where do you think you're going?
Leaving? Oh no, kiddo, I'm afraid you can't do that.
Doesn't matter if you have another Twinkie. We got Cerberus trained recently. He doesn't let people out. Please try to go though.
Told ya. Don't worry, that'll grow back. Oh, wait, you can't regenerate those things, can ya? Sucks to be you.
Elysian Fields? Have you been listening? We remodeled when all the Hells began to bleed together. The Elysian Fields are up with all the other Heavens, there amongst all the golds and silvers and seventy-two virgins. Hey, if you were curious about the afterlife, maybe it would've been safer to try an' get to Heaven.
Well of course it was easier. It's always easier to get to Hell than to get to Heaven. You mortals should know that by now.
Quit whining. You should've read the sign.
No not the one that says 'Beware of Dog'. That's a given.
It's the one carved over the doors of every Hell in the known world. You should've figured it out.
Okay then, I'll fill you in. You should've read the sign that said 'ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE'.
There, there. It's okay to cry. You'll be doing a lot of that. We're real happy to have a nice live person. The dead get so boring, you know? Begging doesn't help. But you're welcome to try.
Enjoy your stay.