A/N- Sister is watching a movie so here I am. Just a warning to everyone this chapter is going to be very dark and very sad...I think. Having said that please give it the chance to illustrate it's point and keep reading.
Shanks-Away!
CaptainDoctor.
"You can't wear that it looks worn out." Came a gruff voice form behind her.
"I bought it yesterday, for tonight, it is brand new." She said quietly.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. What would you like me to wear?" She asked him.
"The lilac one. And shave your legs again and moisturize, I don't want you to wear stockings." He said leaving the room.
Sam watched her younger self fight back the tears as she pulled of the brand new black slip dress she had bought the day before. It had an intricate beading pattern around the top, which was a halter-neck style and the skirt came to just above her knee. She saw herself pull the dress off roll it into a ball and shove it in the back of the dresser, trying to stop the tears so she would not damage her makeup.
As Sam watched herself, she no longer felt helpless, miserable or weak as she did then. Watching the scene she felt nothing but pure unadulterated rage. She glared at the scene in the bedroom as Jonas came back in, ogling her as she stood in her underwear. Both Sam's shuddered as he wrapped his arms around her and placed his hands over her chest, kneading her breasts. Young Sam did not respond to the touches. Once she had. There had been a time when she enjoyed this, now she endured it.
He began to kiss her neck and slowly displace her underwear. Sam had to turn away from them. She could not watch herself go through this again.
"Jonas, you're dressed and I have showered." She tried to sound playful.
"So, you can have another." Jonas said continuing.
"I don't want another," She said trying to pull away. As soon as she moved she felt the grip tighten around her and his fingers start to dig into her arms.
"You can have another, you can't start something and not finish it." He said pushing her on to the bed.
"Jonas no!" Sam said trying to find some of her military courage. Sam tried to get up but was pushed forcefully back onto the bed. When she tried to get up again she felt the sharp sting on her cheek as his hand whipped her face. She let out a small whimper.
"Come on Captain Carter, you know this is what you wanted when you took the dress off." Jonas began to kiss her neck and removed her underwear.
Knowing fighting back was useless she allowed him to continue, the mascara she had applied soon running down her cheeks with the tears.
Older Sam turned away form the scene unable to watch. She had already lived it. She wouldn't again.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Her mother whispered.
"Who could I tell? The ranking officers would not have believed me and Dad and Mark would have killed him." Older Sam said.
"You should not have had to go through that." Tamara told her as she pulled her into a hug.
The scene changed as the two stood embracing. Younger Sam was in the toilets at the Pentagon, looking at herself in the mirror. She had lost so much weight. The night before, Jonas had told her she looked like a preying mantis. Sam had walked upstairs and made her self throw up the small amount of dinner she had manage to force herself to eat.
She looked in the mirror and found herself agreeing with him. Her uniform hung loosely on her and her hair was brittle and dull. She looked like she hadn't slept in a year.
Older Sam could not believe that she had let herself get to that stage. She was emaciated and thought she was lucky she had passed any physicals or medical exams.
The scene changed again to the bathroom in her father's house. Jonas was away for a few days and Sam had gone for dinner deciding to spend the night. As she ran the bath she sat on the floor and scribbled out the note, attaching it to the sink.
The water was hot, older Sam could feel it as she watched her younger self, step into the tub. Younger Sam leaned back and closed her eyes. Older Sam watched and as her younger body began to weep softly into her hands, the crying getting louder until she was nearly biting hr hand to stop the sound.
She sat crying for nearly 20 minutes before her dad knocked on the door.
"Sam." The muffled voice said.
"What is it?" Sam said as sturdy as she could. The sharpened pocket knife clutched tightly in her hand.
"I heard you crying, are you ok?" The voice asked.
"I'm fine, please go away." Sam said through a sob.
"Sam, you're not fine. What's going on?"
"Nothing would please leave me alone!" Sam said through tears.
"Sam open the door." Jacob said.
"Oh would just leave me the hell alone!" She screamed through the heavy sobs.
"Sam open the door now!" Her father yelled.
"No Dad." She said more quietly.
"Sam open up, now!"
"Daddy please..."she whimpered.
"Sam open the door now, come on baby come out and we can talk."
"GO AWAY!" Sam screamed again, sobs racking her body.
"Sam I am going to count to five, then I will break this door down. 1, 2, 3.." Sam didn't hear the end of the count down, the door was suddenly splayed awkwardly on its hinges and her father was in the bathroom. The first thing he saw was a piece of paper stuck to the mirror, he didn't bother to read it, he saw the open knife in Sam's hand.
"Sammy honey," he said softly, "baby put the knife down."
"Leave me alone, I'm not worth it." She said staring at the knife. Her knuckles were white with tension.
"Honey, you are worth everything, you know that." He said softly taking a step towards her. He was reeling at just how skinny she was. He could see her bones clearly through her pink skin.
"Get out Dad, please." She murmured.
"You know I can't do that. You want to tell me what's wrong?" Two more steps. One more and he would be able to touch her.
"No, it's not worth it just please leave."
"I'm not going to do that, I love you too much." That was her undoing. She slumped back against the tub and Jacob saw her grip on the knife loosen. In swift motion he was by the tub and had the knife out of her hand. He slipped it into his own pocket and grabbed a towel. Urging her to get up he wrapped the towel around her and held her as she cried on his shoulder.
Older Sam watched her self and the look of sheer pain on her fathers face and felt guilty. Guilty that she could have ever put him through that.
"He may not have always been open, but I was so proud of him that night." Her mother said.
"I can't believe I did that to him." She said.
"It wasn't your fault baby. But you did give him a fright. Do you remember what you wrote?"
"You mean on the note?" Sam asked.
"Yes." Her mother said.
"After that, the only thing I remember is sitting on the sofa till three in the morning refusing to let go of him. He force-fed me hot chocolate and cookies. We organized for him, Mark and a group of guys to go around and get my stuff from the house and to leave the ring with him. He made me sleep in his bed and he slept next to me on a mattress on the floor. The next day we organized for me to take a month off and I had my first session of many with Karla. He managed to keep it all out of my file. Karla saw me privately and I felt like a new person after a while."
"Before you woke up, he went into the bathroom and got the note. It said, I'm sorry I'm not what you think I am, maybe someday you'll realise it's better this way." The two were silent for a minute. "How could you ever think that Sammy?" Tamara asked.
"At the time it's how I felt." Sam replied watching herself be helped into a ribe by her father.
"Do you know why you are here?" Tamara asked.
"I have no idea." Sam said.
"To show you how strong you are. Inside of you Sam is a light that is so strong and bright, nothing can put it out. This came close but you won. You hear me, it took you down and you still won. You can't forget these things, Sam. They hurt to remember, but you are so much more powerful because of them. I wanted to come back to you then. If only for a minute." Tamara said, tears in her own eyes.
"You are here now, that's what counts." Sam said wrapping her arms around her. Tamara wasted no time getting them out of there.
A/N- You would not believe how much this chapter took out of me. I hope it is not tacky and cliché...please read and review, I am a feedback addict.