The New Guy

Disclaimer: If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

A/N: I had some trouble formatting chapter one. I had a small series of characters I like to use to denote scene changes, and they stayed in place when I converted from Microsoft Word to HTML, but they disappeared when I loaded it to This time, the markers are more important to understanding the events, so as a fail-safe I switched to different symbols and added several blank lines before and after each divider. If anyone knows how to fix that problem, please tell me in a review. And if you don't know, please review anyway. Here goes nothing…

Chapter Two: Test of Strength

Morning came bright and early at the Tower of Titans. Then again, if it came dark and late, it wouldn't be morning, would it…whatever.

In any case, the Titans awoke as they always did. Robin was already awake, long years spent training with the Batman leaving him without the need for more than a few hours shuteye. Starfire rose cheerful, smiling, and ready to greet the day. Yes, that's right, she was one of the dreaded morning people. Raven, on the other hand, was ready to telekinetically strangle anyone who so much as said "hi" the wrong way. Terra was caught in the middle of two extremes, awaking grumpy but quickly calming down. Spider-Man, waking up in a strange bed, took a few seconds to remember where he was.

Cyborg woke up, switched his mechanical half from "standby" to "active", and returned to his pondering of the night before: should he kill the new guy? And would a meat-feast breakfast get rid of the taste of webbing? That left Beast Boy. Well, he wasn't awake yet.

It was a bit odd, though. One could hardly imagine how he had managed to fall asleep plastered to the ceiling. Or how he didn't wake up as the web slowly dissolved away. In any case, he was now hanging from the ceiling by one foot, snoring like a ripsaw as he slowly twisted back and forth.

"Should I get him down?

"Why bother? Now I can make breakfast without him trying to switch the bacon for tofu."

Spider-Man stepped toward the 'fridge, reaching for the door. "Sounds good to me. Hey, do you guys get whole milk or skim?"

The others all whipped around wide-eyed as he started to pull.

"Don't open that…" Too late. "…door…"

"Woah!" Spider-Man slammed the door shut and leaned against it, clutching his chest like he was having a heart attack. "Something in there snapped at me!"

Beast Boy awoke at Spidey's yell, morphing into a wolf in response to an unknown threat, and landing as a crumpled heap as the few remaining web strands snapped under the sudden weight.

Raven took a sip of her tea, perhaps to hide her amusement. "Go ahead, Robin. Explain how the deli meat has evolved into a higher life form."

"Just tell me this much: am I crazy, or did I really see the bacon grazing on the lettuce?"

"Yes, and probably, but not necessarily in that order."

Cyborg chuckled as he started to pull breakfast food out of a cooler on the floor. Spider-Man was still staring at the icebox like he was afraid it would attack him. "Y'know, that orange juice still looked drinkable."

"That was milk."

##########&&&&&##########

Spider-Man swung down and landed softly against the building's side. It was a beautiful day, he was five stories up, and he was feeling good.

This was starting to look like a pretty sweet deal. The Titans were respected and admired as heroes and do-gooders, a nice change from being labeled "Masked Menace". He no longer had to balance work, school, a social life, and his duties as a superhero. There was only rest, relaxation, stopping the occasional super-baddie, and hunting down petty crooks when he wanted a stress reliever. And the cherry on top of it all was the three attractive female roommates. Spidey chuckled quietly as he remembered the little conversation he'd had with Cyborg earlier.

##########Commence Flashback##########

The massive robot had pulled his new teammate aside, looking a bit unsettled.

"What's up, Tin Man?"

"……….."

"Something wrong?"

"…Not really. I just figured it was only fair to warn you about something."

"Like what?"

"I really don't know what your style is with this sort of thing, but… when it comes to girls, you better look outside the tower."

This was most certainly not what Spidey was expecting. "And why's that?"

"Don't take it the wrong way, man. You want to try, be my guest. But here's my point: make a move on Star, Robin'll rip you a new one. Make a move on Terra, Beast Boy will commence the trampling. Make a move on Raven…. Well, I don't know what she'd do to you, but I'd bet money that it would make having a red-hot poker covered with fire ants shoved up your ass look like a picnic."

##########End Flashback##########

Spider-Man grinned beneath his mask as he surveyed his new territory. Even with the threat of red-hot pokers and fire ants, life was looking up. He could finally start to relax… then a parked car exploded.

##########&&&&&##########

"Titans! Trouble!" Robin tore into the living room like a bat's protégé out of Hell. "The H.A.E.Y.P. (A/N: Hive Academy for Extraordinary Young People, it scares me that I remembered that.)

have been spotted downtown, near the pizza parlor!"

Cyborg rose, as did the other Titans. "Those losers again? They better not harm one brick on that pizzeria, or there're gonna answer to me!" He collapsed his arm into a massive cannon. "Not to mention my trusty boomstick."

"Wait, friends! Where is Spider-Man? Will he not accompany us into battle?"

Raven answered. "He's still exploring the city. Something tells me he'll find trouble before we do."

##########&&&&&##########

Three rather odd-looking individuals were strolling casually down the street, blowing up anything that annoyed them. Or was in their way. Or whatever.

Citizens fled in terror before their implacable advance as they approached one of the Teen Titans' favorite hangout spots, the pizzeria. A little carnage here would bring the Titans out of their tower like a bat out of… oh, wait, I already used that one. Uh, like a lemur out of a blender…. Forget it. Really fast, okay?

As they got closer to the target, the agents of the H.A.E.Y.P. found themselves on a nearly deserted street, the few who didn't run crouching behind parked cars and whatever meager cover they could find. And that was when Spider-Man entered the scene. He leapt down to land on the street, with the restaurant to his back and the goon squad before him, and quipped, "I guess it's too much to hope that you guys are just here for a slice with the works, huh?"

Jinx's trademark smirk widened into a full-blown grin. "And who is this clown?"

Mammoth chuckled and punched one massive fist into the other. "My money's on this worm being the new Titan we were told about."

Gizmo sneered at the red and blue figure crouched on the street before them. "This scuzz-munchin', zit-lickin', barf-brain? Yeah, right!"

"Awwww, did you come up with that all by yourself? That's cute." Spider-Man stood, looking relaxed but ready to move in any direction at an instant's notice. "I know who you are. I've heard all about you. I've seen stories about you on TV. Let me guess… Larry, Moe, and Curly."

The people hiding and watching the events before them snickered at that. The vandals on the street were aghast that anyone would dare mock them, but the Capeless Crusader wasn't done yet. "No? How about Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest? Plum Ugly, Butt Ugly, and Real Ugly?" The snickers were full-blown laughs now.

"We are the H.A.E.Y.P."

"We are here to send a message to your teammates."

"And this is attack pattern beta."

##########&&&&&##########

"Oh, no. They learned the next letter of the Greek alphabet," Raven deadpanned. "They'll surely kill us all now."

The other Titans were with her watching the events unfold from a building roof. It was Robin's suggestion that they wait for a few moments, to see how their new teammate handled pressure. After all, when things went sour, he would have back up within a few seconds.

##########&&&&&##########

"Oh, yeah, right. Time to see if you live up to your own HAEYP." (A/N: Get it? Hype? Say it out loud.)

"I'm so going to enjoy this." Jinx's eyes glowed an incandescent purple, and a pulse of energy rippled out from her feet. Spider-Man readied himself for when his Spider Sense would flare and warn him of whatever Jinx had unleashed. And then the street ruptured beneath his feet. A canyon opened in the asphalt, ten yards long and wide enough to drop Spider-Man into a split that would make the most stalwart of men go "Ooooowwwww…."

"Limber. By the way, if you can feel a breeze coming from underground, that's because I just ruptured the pizzeria's gas main."

A small, rather harmless-looking arm extended from Gizmo's tech-pack and curled over his shoulder. A less than harmless-looking laser was mounted on the end. "Happy trails, scum-sucker!" With that, he fired one shot into the rift. Instantly, a massive sheet of flame rose from the shattered pipeline and chargrilled anything in the vicinity. After a few seconds, Gizmo tossed a few small orbs into the fire, which immediately dispersed into clouds of fire retardant gas. "I like that pizza parlor," he said, by way explanation.

##########&&&&&##########

"Wait and see what happens, huh?"

##########&&&&&##########

"Oh, wonderful!" As the flames had ignited, Spider-Man had leapt ten feet straight up, then web-lined to the wall. He leapt down from his perch on a building's side, apparently unharmed except for a few wisps of smoke coiling up from his tights. In any case, his sarcasm generator was in working order. "My tuckuss is singed! I now have a singed tuckuss! You don't know how much I appreciate that!"

"Tenacious little insect, aren't you?" Jinx growled. "Maybe you'll take some effort to squash after all."

"News flash, Pinky: spiders are arachnids. By the way, Dennis Rodman wants his stylist back." Gizmo and Mammoth both had a pretty good laugh at that one.

"Hey, Shorty, if I were you, I wouldn't give up my day job as Gary Coleman's footstool." Gizmo stopped laughing, but Mammoth was doubled over.

"Don't even get me started on you, Tiny. I'm not sure where to begin, but I've narrowed it down to your face and the fact that I can smell your breath from here." Gizmo and Jinx shifted uncomfortably. "He, um, has a point Mammoth. We've been meaning to talk to you about using mouthwash…"

"Forget this. Waste the bug!"

Gizmo snapped out his tech-pack's wings and fired off his rockets, jetting across the ground toward Spider-Man with lasers blasting. Before the bolt of light had crossed the distance, Spider-Man had vaulted impossibly high in the air, nimbly avoiding the attack. As he fell, he snared Gizmo with a webline and was dragged along for the ride. As the diminutive inventor gained in speed and altitude, weaving through buildings to make another attack run on the target he thought was still on the street, Spidey hand-over-handed his way up the rope. It wasn't until he felt a hand on his shoulder that Gizmo realized he had a passenger. "Hey, where's my little bag of mixed nuts?"

"AAAaaahhhhhh! Getoffgetoffgetoff! …"

"Is there an in-flight movie?"

"Getoffgetoffgetoff!…"

"When does the stewardess bring out the sodas?"

"Getoffgetoffgetoff!…"

"Oh, all right, you big whiner, I'll get off if you'll shut up." And without further ado, Spider-Man bounced off of his impromptu pilot's back.

Okay, now Gizmo was confused. He wasn't about to run into something… was he? No. Then why… he looked over his shoulder. The freak in the spandex was perched on a flagpole waving cheerily… and there was a line of webbing leading from the flagpole to Gizmo's tech-pack. Oh, snot…

##########&&&&&##########

"Dude's got some slick moves."

##########&&&&&##########

Gizmo's momentum was enough to snap the straps holding on his pack, meaning that for a brief moment he was flying without wings. He sailed through the air head-over-heels, screaming incoherently the whole time. As luck would have it, he smacked straight into Jinx, putting them both down for the count.

##########&&&&&##########

"Not her lucky day, huh?"

"Think he planned that?"

##########&&&&&##########

Spider-Man landed a few paces away from the last of the H.A.E.Y.P. team. This upstart tights-wearin' little vermin was starting to annoy Mammoth, and the genetically engineered bruiser, preferring to keep things simple, had a strict policy of "smash whatever annoys me".

Spider-Man wasn't helping. "Hey, Slappy, I figured out where to start. Okay, here goes: your breath could strip the paint off a footlocker. Your breath draws more flies than your feet, which is saying something. And finally, your breath smells worse than a laundry cart full of jock straps at a fat camp."

As the hero had planned, that drove his opponent into a wild charge, with the sole objective of reducing him to a bloody smear on the pavement. The exact sort of attack he had been dealing with almost every other week for about two years. Spider-Man simply leapt back from Mammoth's first clumsy swing, and began the technique that had made him famous in New York. He began to leap and twist his way around every attack thrown at him, continuing a running stream of trash talk and battle banter, occasionally punctuating his comments with a heavy blow. Dodge, dodge, dodge, mock, punch. Dodge, dodge, dodge, mock kick. Dodge, dodge, kick, mock, punch, dodge.

"Face it Sluggo, I'm just too fa-" Mammoth snapped out to the side and managed to grab one of Spidey's ankles. "-reaking stupid to know when to shut my fat yap."

Spider-Man was now dangling by one leg from Mammoth's huge fist. Gizmo and Jinx had managed to untangle themselves, and were glaring down at him with rage smoldering in their eyes. "Would you believe me if I said I was impressed with your group, and was fighting you in order to prove myself worthy of joining you?"

"No."

"Damn. You aren't as dumb as I had hoped."

Mammoth raised his captive so that they were face to face. "Y'know, when I was little…"

Even Jinx and Gizmo got in on that one. "You were little?"

Mammoth growled and continued. "…I always liked to pull the wings off flies and the legs off spiders. Want to give it a try? Of course, I'm a little out of practice, so it could be messy…"

"Do I get any last words?"

"Uh… I guess, why not?"

"Great, because I wanted to ask you, how does my boot taste?" And with that, Spider-Man smashed his free leg into Mammoth's chin with enough force to crush a cinder block (Not the supervillain Cinderblock, the normal kind). Mammoth staggered back a step, but then looked down at his captive and gave a low growl. "Uhhhh… I think you kinda missed your cue. You were supposed to fall down. Okay, no problem, let's try again." He let rip with another massive kick to the face, with similar results. Spidey followed up with a volley that left his tormentor reeling, but it looked like it just made him mad. "Please fall down…"

##########&&&&&##########

"Okay, let's move."

##########&&&&&##########

Mammoth replied by swinging Spider-Man into a lightpost, which buckled and collapsed. "That wasn't so bad!…" Then a brick wall, which also buckled and collapsed. "I… barely… felt that!…" Then a parked car. Then a window. Then a concrete park bench. Then the wall again. Then a fire hydrant. "I… I think you… you've had enough… so I'm… I'm gonna give you… one chance … give up quietly…"

"I suggest you take his advice." The H.A.E.Y.P. looked up from their new chew toy to see the other six Titans arrayed before them, Robin in the lead.

"About time you pit-sniffers showed up! Thought you were gonna let us kill your little pal here."

Mammoth tightened his grip on the battered hero's leg and clamped his other hand around Spider-Man's head. "One false move and I crush his skull like a grape."

Now that the Titans were closer, they could see that Spidey was worse off than they had realized. While it looked like no major bones were broken, he was bruised and scratch-blood was beginning to stain his uniform a dark purple in places. His tights were a bit ripped up, and they could see a tuft of brown hair sticking out of a hole in his mask. Cyborg raised his gun arm, pointing it at Mammoth's face. "That hand twitches the wrong way, and you'll spend the next week searching for your teeth."

For a moment, no one said a word. Jinx eventually spoke up. "It seems that we have a standoff."

"No. We don't." Everyone's gaze immediately shot to the speaker; the one whom everyone had assumed was unconscious. "It's much easier to play 'possum when nobody can see your face." Spider-Man's hands shot out, snatching at Mammoth's waist. And it was then that he unleashed the most cheap, dirty, and lethal move known to schoolyard fighting: the MOAW (Mother Of All Wedgies). Mammoth suddenly discovered the elastic to his boxers was up to his armpits, and he let out a howl that shook the pillars of Heaven. Or at least of Cleveland. No, that wasn't supposed to make sense.

In any case, Mammoth lost his grip on Spider-Man, who dropped and used a handspring to reach his teammates. "What kept you?"

Jinx swore under her breath, this was going from bad to worse. Six of the Titans were ready to fight, fresh and unhurt. The one that was hurt had done well to smack the villains around all on his own. She was battered, Gizmo was left with only his auxiliary pack, and Mammoth was… incapacitated. And his boxers had little pink bunnies on them. She took the time for a quick prayer that Gizmo had a camera, then made her decision: time to go.

"Next time, Titans." The three mercenaries turned and started to walk away, Mammoth moving with a distinct waddle. Gizmo dropped a gas bomb, and by the time the smoke cleared, there was no sign of the terrible trio.

Spider-Man stood still, remaining in a fighting stance. "They're gone?"

"Yeah, they ran off like cowards! You were awesome, man!"

"They're not coming back?"

"No, they'll head back to base to nurse their wounds. You did well."

"You're sure?"

"Uh, yeah… why?"

"Oh, good. That means I can do this." And without another word, Spider-Man collapsed in the street.

##########An hour or so later##########

"My scanners say he just needs to recover for a few hours. Raven healed most of his physical wounds, so that just leaves sleeping off the concussion. And he muttered something about being injured worse than this a lot of times before. I'd say he'll be fighting fit by tomorrow."

Terra's head jerked up. "That fast? He looked a lot worse off than that!"

"Apparently, his body heals at a slightly accelerated rate. Not by much, but enough. Combined with Raven's magic, he'll be on his feet by noon."

Robin finally allowed himself to relax, now knowing his teammate was going to be all right. "Okay, so I want to hear what everyone thought of that little exercise earlier. What's on your mind?" Everyone was quiet for a moment. Beast Boy was the first to speak up.

"He just took on three super-powered bad guys, and almost won! He's definitely strong enough to be a Titan."

"Yeah, but strength isn't everything," Cyborg noted. "He was outnumbered three to one by unknown enemies and didn't call for backup. He didn't try to wait for us. What does that say?"

"Friend Cyborg, you make a good point. But we must remember that for the past few years our new companion has performed the same service as we have, but he was alone. He must adapt to working as part of a whole, rather than as a lone fox."

"Wolf, Starfire. The saying is lone wolf. But, you're right." Robin considered for a moment. "I tried to find a pattern in his fighting, but couldn't recognize any kind of style. I think he was making it up as he went."

"It was still effective, though." Terra added.

"I'll say!" Beast Boy choked out between laughs. " Did you see the look on Mammoth's face when Web-Head wedgified him? Priceless!"

Starfire turned to the one team member who had remained silent. "Raven, what do you think of our new ally's first battle as one of us?"

Raven remained silent a moment more, gathering her thoughts. "First of all, he wasn't fighting as one of us, he was fighting as himself while we watched from a safe distance." Robin squirmed in his seat a little bit. "Second, yes, he did well. But, there's something that I find a bit strange about the way he fights." She fell silent again. The others waited patiently, knowing she was trying to figure out how to make them understand. "Speaking as an empath, I can tell you that there are two basic types of minds out there. There are minds so slow, you can read them like a book. Minds in which you can almost see the gears turning. Like Beast Boy's."

"Yeah, like mine……………………………………………HEY!"

"Then there are minds so fast, you can't believe how fast connections are made, after the five or ten minutes it takes to work out what just happened. Minds like Robin's." The masked leader grinned at that.

"What about Spider-Man?"

"Well… That's what bothers me." Raven paused for a moment. How could she explain this to her friends, who couldn't sense what was happening in someone's mind? "Last night, I tried to get a measure of the way he thinks. He seemed normal, if a bit quick-witted." She paused again. "During the fight… it was like nothing I've ever seen before. It was like his conscious mind wasn't in charge at all. His subconscious was controlling him, doing the fighting. His senses picked up information and fed it directly to his muscles, it was like cutting out the middleman. That left his conscious mind idle, only needing to decide what was necessary to accomplish and what jokes to make in the process. It was…bizarre."

There was silence. "That's the most words she's strung together at once since I've met her." The breaker of the silence was Beast Boy. "Hey Cy, betcha I can whup you at Krash Kings 7!"

"You're on!" Quickly the room was filled by the sounds of tiny digital hovercars moving at high speed. The others filed away one by one, their meeting over. Soon, things were back to normal in the Tower, as Spider-Man reflected on the fact that now, when he got his butt whupped, he didn't need to hide the injuries from anyone. It was a nice feeling.

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A/N: Chapter two, ready to go. That was a long one! It might be awhile before I have chapter three done, though. By the way, I accept suggestions for Marvel villains showing up to cause havoc, but they must either have a good reason (relatively speaking, we're talking about villains here) for being in town, or must be crazy enough to follow Spidey across the country just to hunt him down.