Near the edge of town
From miles around people reported seeing the small grays
And feeling very heavy
Hey – was that the one that got away
Like it was really here anyway
Big enough to swallow you whole
And good enough to beat you again and again on the outside – everything was pretty there
-The Outside by Tin Foil Phoenix (great, relatively unknown band that I love)
A/N: This chapter is the beginning of the plot, and it's around the peak of angst for this part of the story (but don't worry; there'll still be plenty of angst).
Chapter Five: Take the Steps
I watched Dr. Neuman stare at me with unfocused eyes. Her hand was held precariously over a tray of food; her fingers were close to brushing the surface of a bowl of soup. She was thinking about me. Her thoughts sprung to my past as her eyes skimmed over my scar. She was dreaming, and far away from here.
I shuffled my blankets experimentally.
A loud clatter resulted, and the soup bowl crashed onto the floor. The doctor's eyes cleared immediately. She looked as though she wanted to apologize, but instead bent down, and started clearing away the mess.
I closed my eyes just as she mopped away the last dregs of the soup. "I know...I know you're n-not asleep," said Dr. Neuman hesitantly, after a long silence.
I worked on evening my breathing.
"You're not, so don't pretend you are."
Even with my eyes closed I could feel her hard stare on me.
"You-you've obviously been through something terrible, and pretending that you're not here or...or that they never happened will make things worse. You probably don't think I can help, and maybe I can't, but at least stop pretending I don't exist!" she shouted angrily.
I glanced furtively at Dr. Neuman's reflection in the window, and was shocked at what I saw. She was looking at me the way Hermione used to look at me when she was angry. She looked so reasonable and so confident in being correct, and looked so frustrated, as though she was trying to explain something very simple to a child - Iwas irrefutably wrong, Iwas defying all logic and common sense, how could I have done something so unspeakable! I remember the last time I had seen Hermione that look....It was accompanied by harsh accusations and the cold presence of Dementors....their cold...the shattering roll of their breath....
I couldn't restrain the shiver that emerged.
Dr. Neuman's face softened. "I'm sorry....I don't want to force you to say something you don't want to say....You're just so frustrating, and you do something to me...."
"What do I do?" I asked tonelessly.
"You...I don't mean this as anything bad, but you...sc-scare me." Her eyes darted away. "You scare me so much. When you look so lost and so...gone and you look like you're never going to come back and you never want to come back, and it makes me feel so helpless and so...scared."
"I'm sorry," I said, not entirely to her.
"D-don't be sorry! I don't want to ruin things further. I don't want to push you away or hurt you....I became a doctor so I could help people, so that I c-could help people like you, and gift those in need with a piece of who I am and what I can give....And then you came, and-and I didn't expect to be tested so soon." She laughed quietly. "You...you're beyond anything I imagined. You're so wholesome in your sadness -I don't know if that makes sense to you, but you are. You are so important....You need people....I need to help you."
I refused to meet her eyes. "I'm not important...."
Dr. Neuman's eyes grew large again, and her voice swelled. "You are so much more important than anything I could dream of. W-what could cause you so much pain; weigh your face with the weight of the whole world, but s-something that-that...carries with it the culmination of years and years of life?"
"Years and years of life....It seems like it's always been like that." My hand clenched suddenly as a memory darted through my mind, and disappeared just as quickly, leaving a cold drape over me. I shuddered out a breath slowly. "You can't understand me or help; so don't try...."
"I need to try....This is my life...helping...I-I know you need help, and I know...." She choked on a surfacing tear, "I know...I know that I can do something – just something! Is that so hard to understand...to pity?....
"Pity me! Pity me, and allow me to help! Damn it...I feel so useless!" Dr. Neuman suddenly stopped speaking. "Just....H-haven't you ever felt this way?! Like you can't do anything to change what's around you?! Like someone is slipping away, and y-you're...letting them?! Like...you're completely powerless, and-and – "
It came out as a frail wisp of breath, "I know....I understand it so well...."
"Will you let me help?"
"I...."
Dr. Neuman looked exhausted. "I want to help...."
I gasped, and the world went white.
Illusory hands surrounded my throat. I was drowning....I choked silently....I screamed...but there was no sound....There was only...only....
"Crucio."
A man appeared, and fell to the ground screaming. He writhed in unnatural twists around unseen knives, and bellowed for air. His hands scrabbled at invisible enemies. He was screaming and....
I lifted my wand, and the screaming stopped.
The man shifted. Very slowly, he raised himself up into a crouching position – Remus...It was Remus....I heard a strangled sob....I could see the wolf in his face desperately trying to get out, to attack his attacker, to be the predator, and lift itself above pain and weakness. Remus....But Remus was still fighting....His face was strained, gaunt, and twisted...mind fighting itself....
I laughed – it was a chilling sound, high and cold and devoid of mercy. "Come, Wormtail."
A broken whisper, "Yes, my Lord...." He crawled forward. His face was covered by hood and mask; his mouth was twitching in a fearful grimace. Wormtail's breathing came in thin, erratic bursts.
Lupin's head snapped up, and the wolf flew out of his eyes. He shone with animal fury – blood and sweat flew off of him – he lunged to attack, his human hands ready to break any creature before him....He lunged, ready for one last desperate stance against his enemy. He was huge and swollen with power.
"Incarcerous." I waved my wand lazily, and thick ropes flew out, and the werewolf fell heavily on the floor. A guttural roar ripped from out his throat, and it echoed through the small house so loud you could feel it reverberating through the air. He fought against his bonds with all he had.
My lips curled. "Do you believe that you can break my power, werewolf? Imperio!"
Remus trembled and struggled, and the wolf retracted into its husk. He whimpered softly. The tired professor was back again, breathing raggedly, but with resolve still burning in his eyes.
"We've been here before, haven't we – with Potter and Black? Wormtail's told me all about your little group – the Marauders, a pathetic set of pranksters, the best, striving for righteousness." I smiled. "Potter was like you with the struggle...refused to comply, and chose to die with pain and dwindling power....And Black, he died with by the hand of his own cousin....It is the curse of the blood traitors. But Wormtail, Wormtail was by my side....See him!" Wormtail's silver hand glinted in the darkness. "See what the Dark Lord gives! See what is before you! There is power and glory! There is –"
"...N-no..." rasped Lupin with great effort. "...no...." He descended into a fit of coughs – choked and gasped for air.
"You are too much like them...like the Potters and Black....You must lose everything before you die – and you must die with honour...." I kicked him roughly. Lupin growled. "You defy me even now! Wormtail, show the werewolf the pain that such choices bring!" I narrowed my eyes, "You are the last of the Marauders, and I promise you, werewolf, there will be pain before you may die. You will break."
"Cr-cr-ucio."
"NO!" My eyes closed. "NO! No...not you too....Please no....You can't die too...not another d-death on my hands....Remus, please...please don't die...." I gasped and my eyes snapped open.
Dr. Neuman was crying and screaming. A passel of hospital personnel flooded around me, muttering with white faces.
"Tell – tell them to leave," I whispered. "I don't want them here."
Tears still on her face, the doctor sprang to life and expelled the doctors, and slammed the door shut behind her.
I sobbed, "I don't want him to die...."
"It's okay. No one's here; no one's dying."
"R-remus Lupin isdying right now. He – he's being tortured. He's going to die if I don't stop it! I don't want anyone else to die." I looked straight into her eyes. "You want to help me?" Each word came out slow and deliberate.
"Yes." No hesitation.
"L-let me leave." Dr. Neuman's mouth opened. "Let me leave if you want to help me. There's – there's a chance that I can save him. There's no chance of him living if I don't help...A-and this time, "I swallowed painfully, "this time there's no one I can lose."
"Who is Remus Lupin?" she asked very carefully, after a long silence.
"A friend...." I said.
"How do you know what is happening to him?"
I exhaled forcefully. "I know you don't believe me!"
"I-I won't deny it."
"A life is at stake here! He might be gone already – it might be too late! And he'll be gone just like everyone else...." Like Sirius....I cried. It seemed as though a world ended and began again in that time – me alone in the bed, Dr. Neuman just standing by, and me, I just cried.
"Go," came the voice suddenly.
"What?" I didn't dare look up.
"Leave. I'll get you out," she said, her voice cracking, "You believe in it so much, so much that it just has to be true...I need to believe it's true....Do you understand?"
"I need to believe in it too, or else...." Or else I would lose myself completely, and the world would fall....
"Yes...go," said Dr. Neuman slowly as if reassuring herself. "Hurry....I-I'll get you a spare uniform, and you can sneak out." She fidgeted away, opened a hidden door, and ripped a piece of fabric of a hanger. She tossed it at me.
I sprung into action, ignoring the protesting creaks in my limbs.
Dr. Neuman. "Go out the door – keep your head down." She hastily pushed a blue cap onto my head. "Elevator's...the elevator's at the end of the hallway to the right. Two floors below is the lobby. The receptionist should be on break, so just run straight out the front door. And then...then....."
A jolt of pain rushed down my scar, and the barest vision of a writhing man flashed through my head. "Lupin...." I took a sharp breath, and ran to the door.
"Good luck," whispered Dr. Neuman at the closing door.
I closed my eyes, and waited for the magic to well up inside of me. "Disapparare!" I gasped as a blood-curdling scream came and faded out of my hearing along with a sharp burst through my scar.
I was still in the phone booth outside the hospital. The spell hadn't worked.
Lupin's cottage...Lupin's cottage, in the little muggle town, right at the edge of the looming forest....Talking to Lupin about Sirius the summer after fifth year....Lupin's cottage...Lupin's cottage...."Disapparare"
I felt the old, warm feeling of magic spread through me. And then came the feeling of falling from a high distance but never hitting the ground. There was a sharp CRACK, and I faded out of existence.
The screams returned full-force. I could recognize Lupin's voice, even distorted and mutated as it was. The last time I had heard it was in seventh year, and we were both laughing about something stupid, just getting enjoyment from what little there was to get it from....
I stumbled forward, and pushed the door open.
And there was Remus Lupin.
A/N: Another cliffie. I'm sorry – I've always sincerely believed that authors who don't update very quickly shouldn't have cliffies, but then, I'm a hypocrite. I'm sorry for not updating faster, but I'm not a very motivated writer and I'm quite a perfectionist.
A/N2: Did this chapter seem weird to you at all? I wrote most of the Remus vision scene while listening to 'So Happy Together' by the Turtles....I can't help but wonder if it's warped and twisted....I was even singing along. The rest of the scene was to the music of 'Lover I Don't Have to Love' by Bright Eyes and 'Superman's Dead' by Our Lady Peace, which are suitable enough.
A/N3: I just wrote this weird excerpt, and I'd like it very much if someone took it, and wrote a fic around it. It's a very general response (I left it open so it can be said by any character) to Harry's guilt, and his unwillingness to risk the people he cares about. It could be fluff, angst, romance, Mrs. Weasley to Harry, whatever. Consider this my challenge – write a story with this excerpt in it. The gauntlet is thrown....I just hope someone will catch it.
You know what makes the world worth living, Harry? It's the fact that there is life. Life is a journey – oh don't look at me like that, Harry. I'm being serious....Life is in the present, it's living, not having lived or anything like that. And when you and I die, the journey will have ended....No, I'm not trying to be morbid..... What I mean is...there's no point in worrying about consequences, and about what might happen, because nothing will happen if you don't do it in the first place. And once it's done; it's done; the journey's ended, and a part of your life is dead. And if you're dead, you can't hurt....If you haven't lived – you know danced, and wondered, and loved, and maybe lost, then you'll never get another chance once you're at the end....I'm just rambling on and on....I think...I don't know if this makes sense to you or not, but you have to live to fulfill the meaning of life. Do you understand, Harry?
A/N4: On another note, I know that Harry Disapparated (essentially doing magic) without a wand. But I've always thought that Apparition was wandless, though I would think there would be an incantation to strengthen and ease the magic.
A/N5: On another other note, the reason why Harry last saw Lupin laughing was because he didn't attend the trial.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter's not mine. Tin Foil Phoenix lyrics are not mine. The Molson slogan is not mine.
Review Replies:
Birdy: Thanks! And no, I don't have a beta reader. I've been proud and stubborn about that since the very beginning. But since I am starting an account on , and they require a beta-reader, I will get one sometime soon.
Cat323: Remus believing Harry....I never even considered that; well, that's for my own reasons. Malfoy however, yes, I can work that into the story very easily. I was having trouble with adding him in....Sorry if I sound really cryptic....
CharlieTheOtakuNymph: Ok.
Sasinak: You remind me of some of my friends. QUOTE; "Cool beans!". Yep, I have many friends who'd use that line.
Blip-dragon: I don't think our definitions of soon correlate. :)
CelticHeiressFiona: I will try.
R. Amethyst: Well actually, your contest entry was quite a bit off. I don't even remember where it was exactly, but it was further down the chapter. Good guess anyways, and my writing styles do change very much very often. Lately, I've gotten into an abstract simplicity style (though it doesn't show in this fic).
Kateri1: Thank you.
Wednesday: I use a lot of broken dialogue.
Froboy: Thanks and sorry for taking so long.
Jeanne2: I'm glad I made someone itch, even metaphorically.
FishofTime: I seek to disturb. :)
Hry pttr: You know what? I just finished reading 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', and I really liked it. I think it's quite different from the style of Subservience, but (repeating myself) it was a great read.
Bulma: The friendship between the trio's in tatters, and it'll take at least a couple of more chapters to get to any meeting between them.
Muse: Is your name just a general name? I was just wondering if you're named after the band Muse (who's on of my favourite bands).
I-want-to-fly: No comment.
Michaelrccurtis: I will continue – at what rate, I don't know.
TimGold: I just don't think it's plausible to set up a romance with a Harry this damaged. Besides I think that the only Harry pairing that works is H/G, and I think they're both too far gone to make it work. And, I can't write romance. :) Well, I haven't tried, but I don't think I'd be good at that sort of thing.
ridXwan: Yes, Harry is the primary character, and Hermione is the secondary character. This isn't romantic or anything; they just happen to be the two most important characters in the story. Hermione only barely has more precedence over certain unnamed characters.
Paradox01: I AM CANADIAN.
Gallandro-83: Voldemort killed Harry. There – very evasive, confusing, and cryptic. This is a plot point, which won't have too much importance later on, but will affect other parts of the story.
No name brand name: Hm....
Crimson Myst: Thanks.
Emily: Oh, it's you. :)
Elbion: Thanks.
Little Lilly: Thanks!