Author: KrystalEpyon
Email:
Title: Celibacy of the Morning Star
Warnings: Attempted humor, general blasphemy.
Pairings: Lucifer Various.

Disclaimer: Angel Sanctuary belongs to the psychotic genius of Kaori Yuki.

Notes: Seeing as I do not write humor, this fic must be a miracle. Being that it is a miracle, the concept of plausibility does not exist, for miracles need no explanation.

A/N: Currently un-beta'd

Celibacy of the Morning Star

What do I have to do to get laid around here? All I want is one guilt free fuck, just one quickie to relieve my frustration. Yet, I look at all my options, past and present and wonder whether the entire concept of sex was created for god to laugh at me.

Well, first of all there was Michael, the angel of fire and for a reason. There we were, locked in the most passionate embrace known to creation, and at the crucial moment, he set everything aflame, including my hair. As enticing as my twin is, I am very much against char grilled orgasm. If it weren't for astral powers and healing, I'd have throttled him then and there.

Then, of course, despite her disturbing obsession with me, the Satan Belial is completely out of the question. Apart from the fact that the self proclaimed 'Mad Hatter' is a sexless freak, 'It' holds and obvious lack of any sort of sense of pride, simply dallying with whosoever should spread their legs.

As for Balbero... One word. Abbadon. Never EVER again will I risk impregnating THAT wench.

In comparison, the beautiful Alexiel would be a treasure. Or should I say... the beautiful - corpse - Alexiel. Even as the Lord of Demons, necrophilia isn't my style. Let's just say I prefer some sort of reaction from my lovers.

Then again, when that reaction includes the cry of another person's name, even I can't help but feel offended. So, naturally, when Setsuna called out Sara's name in the middle of sex, I lost the majority of my interest. As attracted to him as I may be, however unwillingly, that is not a place I wish to go to again. It's quite dangerous to a person's ego.

In the past, Katou was quite the lay. Well, when he wasn't too drug fucked to know what was going on, of course. I'd be afraid to attempt screwing his new body, though. I wouldn't want to get stuck in that false flesh of his. I wonder if Uriel's tried it with that Doll...

As for Arachne - damn transvestite demon that once killed me - I suppose it's lucky that we never did anything more than fool around. After all, if he hadn't counted as a virgin then I'd be stuck as that pitiful human being called Sakuya, Kira.

Rosiel is the last of my options... Dear, beautiful, crazed Inorganic Angel. I'm not quite insane enough myself to seek my pleasure with that psychopath. I'd be lucky not to lose something vital in the process. Besides, Katan would probably murder me in a fit of jealous rage. Or, he'd try to, at least.

So, once again, the proud, strong, defiant, beloved Lord of Hell is reduced to jerking off like some just and celibate Seraph. How pitiful. I hope you're watching God, because one day I'll shove that twisted sense of humor of yours down your throat.