1 Hothead
"Hello?"
"Did you figure out who did it?"
"Now who's starting conversations halfway through?"
"This is your cell. You've got Caller ID."
"It's the principle of the thing that offends me. You take me to task for certain behavior, then you subject me to that same—"
"Augh! Did you figure out who strung up Clark or not?"
"Nell's niece's boyfriend."
"Potters. They're nothing but trouble. Nell's got a niece? And her boyfriend doesn't like Clark?"
"Clark's in love with her."
"The niece."
"Lana. He has a habit of gazing longingly at her from afar, heaving heavy sighs."
"God help me from a high school boy in love."
"That was going to be my line."
"I'm always one step ahead of you."
"Right."
"Are you jealous?"
"Lena Lillian Luthor, the minute I come to Metropolis for that conference, you're in trouble."
"Oh, God. I forgot to warn you. The Three Stooges are heading down in a few days. Something about projections and budgets and crap."
"How is it that you hear about these things before I do?"
"Because I'm best buds with Dad's secretary. And she still remembers that charming young man who would follow his father around the office, sorting files and stapling things when Mr. Luthor was in a meeting."
"Spying on my behalf. I'm touched."
"In the head. Hey, I looked up 'phrenology.'"
"And?"
"I kept thinking it was spelled with an 'f', so it took me a while."
"Maybe public school isn't such a good idea, Lilly."
"It's *not* a public school, and I'm doing just fine. P-H-I-N-E fine."
"Heh. So Dominic and the gang are coming down? I'll cancel the meeting tomorrow. It's a waste of time."
"Do you know something I don't?"
"Any number of things. They're going to talk about the projections for the plant; it's gotten more productive, but the market is falling right now and they probably want me to cut my budget until the market comes back."
"Huh. Will you?"
"Of course not."
"I'm not even going to ask. Thank God Dad doesn't want me to go into business, is all I can say."
"You have the brains for it."
"Not the patience. And besides, I already have my trust fund. And you. I'm quite happy living off of your success for the rest of my life, hosting stupid cocktail parties and buying boats."
"You hate boats."
"I never said I was going to board them. Just buy them Lots. Maybe a cruise ship. Those probably don't rock as much as the little yacht things."
"Probably not."
"So, wait a minute. Lana the niece. Her boyfriend tied Clark to a pole because Clark likes his girlfriend?"
"That seems to be about it."
"Does Lana like Clark?"
"I don't think she 'like likes' him. But I can always pass her a note during Social Studies."
"Oh, ha, I get it. Funny. I meant, is he jealous or was Clark just convenient?"
"Not sure. I think it was part of some… tradition that they have here."
"Some tradition."
"No. That night was the high school homecoming game. I'm guessing that it was some sort of ritual they go through. Smallville Crows. 'S' for 'Scarecrow,' maybe. Do you remember, when I told you about the meteor storm?"
"Yeah. Oh, my God—"
"Right. The guy in the cornfield. Who I thought I saw, which is why I went into that cornfield and found Clark."
"Weird. I completely forgot about that kid. You think—God, you think they do that every *year*?"
"I certainly hope it's not every game."
"Get out of there now, Lex."
"I don't think they'll come after me."
"They came after Clark."
"He's resilient. By the way. I gave him back the necklace."
"It was his?"
"Lana's. The boyfriend must have put it on him as a joke. Do you know, Clark rescued him the other day?"
"What?"
"Day after the boyfriend strung him up. There was another car accident. Clark pulled him out."
"So, besides the general store guy, the mechanic, and the banjo player, there's also the town out-of-cars-puller."
"Your grammar is appalling."
"Well, instead of studying, I'm talking to you. Which is an education in and of itself. So if it was Lana's necklace, why did you give it to Clark?"
"Because apparently it has sentimental value. She gave it to her boyfriend for good luck."
"How do you know all this?"
"Went to visit her the other day. She rides better than you do."
"Quadriplegics ride better than I do. So she gave it to the boyfriend. You want Clark to tell her what happened?"
"She'll dump the boyfriend like a bad habit, Clark will sweep her into his arms—"
"And you'll sit forlornly on the sidelines. Get a hobby. Raise fish, or bonsai trees. This 'getting Clark his heart's desire' thing isn't healthy."
"I've taken up fencing."
"And you suck at it."
"A little more support wouldn't be entirely out of order."
"So you're really going to try to set Clark up by making him tell Lana what happened? He's going to sound like a wuss."
"He's going to sound honest."
"I swear, you never went to high school. Honesty doesn't matter. You have to be as stoic as possible. Meaning no admittance of anything bad happening to you. Clark isn't going to tell her. And he's not going to just hand her the necklace."
"You don't even know him."
"But I know you, and the way you think isn't the way most people think. Besides, the guy who rescues somebody who crucified him isn't going to go behind that somebody's back to steal that somebody's girlfriend."
"Don't be so sure."
"You can't change people's natures, Lex. He'll leave it in her locker or in her mailbox. Maybe he'll put a little note that says 'Not from your boyfriend,' or something, but that's about it."
"Humph. Okay, I'm at the plant now, so I've got to go."
"Wait, you've been talking to me while you've been *driving?*"
"Yes. Why?"
"Oh, my God. I will kill you and then beat you to death. Bye."
"Bye."
*
"Hey."
"Hey. What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything."
"Because Dad's going back to Smallville right now."
"Ah. Well, I might have done something."
"You just really enjoy pissing him off. Anyway. He's on his way."
"Thanks."
"So, how's Clark doing?"
"Fine. I saw him yesterday."
"Really? Anything unusual about him?"
"All right. What did you find out?"
"Yay! Hee, hee. I hired a private detective to follow him around and take pictures. He's on the *football team*?"
"It's a recent thing."
"He looks good in a jersey. No wonder you're remaining manfully silent about his looks. Don't cut yourself on those cheekbones."
"Manfully silent, over here."
"I'll bet you are. Anyway, I approve of any and all relationships you may engage with Mr. Underage Adonis. He's worth whatever jail time you get."
"Now you're just mocking me."
"Yep."
"The limo just pulled up. I'd better go. Thanks for the warning."
"No problem. Love you."
"You, too."
"Hello?"
"Did you figure out who did it?"
"Now who's starting conversations halfway through?"
"This is your cell. You've got Caller ID."
"It's the principle of the thing that offends me. You take me to task for certain behavior, then you subject me to that same—"
"Augh! Did you figure out who strung up Clark or not?"
"Nell's niece's boyfriend."
"Potters. They're nothing but trouble. Nell's got a niece? And her boyfriend doesn't like Clark?"
"Clark's in love with her."
"The niece."
"Lana. He has a habit of gazing longingly at her from afar, heaving heavy sighs."
"God help me from a high school boy in love."
"That was going to be my line."
"I'm always one step ahead of you."
"Right."
"Are you jealous?"
"Lena Lillian Luthor, the minute I come to Metropolis for that conference, you're in trouble."
"Oh, God. I forgot to warn you. The Three Stooges are heading down in a few days. Something about projections and budgets and crap."
"How is it that you hear about these things before I do?"
"Because I'm best buds with Dad's secretary. And she still remembers that charming young man who would follow his father around the office, sorting files and stapling things when Mr. Luthor was in a meeting."
"Spying on my behalf. I'm touched."
"In the head. Hey, I looked up 'phrenology.'"
"And?"
"I kept thinking it was spelled with an 'f', so it took me a while."
"Maybe public school isn't such a good idea, Lilly."
"It's *not* a public school, and I'm doing just fine. P-H-I-N-E fine."
"Heh. So Dominic and the gang are coming down? I'll cancel the meeting tomorrow. It's a waste of time."
"Do you know something I don't?"
"Any number of things. They're going to talk about the projections for the plant; it's gotten more productive, but the market is falling right now and they probably want me to cut my budget until the market comes back."
"Huh. Will you?"
"Of course not."
"I'm not even going to ask. Thank God Dad doesn't want me to go into business, is all I can say."
"You have the brains for it."
"Not the patience. And besides, I already have my trust fund. And you. I'm quite happy living off of your success for the rest of my life, hosting stupid cocktail parties and buying boats."
"You hate boats."
"I never said I was going to board them. Just buy them Lots. Maybe a cruise ship. Those probably don't rock as much as the little yacht things."
"Probably not."
"So, wait a minute. Lana the niece. Her boyfriend tied Clark to a pole because Clark likes his girlfriend?"
"That seems to be about it."
"Does Lana like Clark?"
"I don't think she 'like likes' him. But I can always pass her a note during Social Studies."
"Oh, ha, I get it. Funny. I meant, is he jealous or was Clark just convenient?"
"Not sure. I think it was part of some… tradition that they have here."
"Some tradition."
"No. That night was the high school homecoming game. I'm guessing that it was some sort of ritual they go through. Smallville Crows. 'S' for 'Scarecrow,' maybe. Do you remember, when I told you about the meteor storm?"
"Yeah. Oh, my God—"
"Right. The guy in the cornfield. Who I thought I saw, which is why I went into that cornfield and found Clark."
"Weird. I completely forgot about that kid. You think—God, you think they do that every *year*?"
"I certainly hope it's not every game."
"Get out of there now, Lex."
"I don't think they'll come after me."
"They came after Clark."
"He's resilient. By the way. I gave him back the necklace."
"It was his?"
"Lana's. The boyfriend must have put it on him as a joke. Do you know, Clark rescued him the other day?"
"What?"
"Day after the boyfriend strung him up. There was another car accident. Clark pulled him out."
"So, besides the general store guy, the mechanic, and the banjo player, there's also the town out-of-cars-puller."
"Your grammar is appalling."
"Well, instead of studying, I'm talking to you. Which is an education in and of itself. So if it was Lana's necklace, why did you give it to Clark?"
"Because apparently it has sentimental value. She gave it to her boyfriend for good luck."
"How do you know all this?"
"Went to visit her the other day. She rides better than you do."
"Quadriplegics ride better than I do. So she gave it to the boyfriend. You want Clark to tell her what happened?"
"She'll dump the boyfriend like a bad habit, Clark will sweep her into his arms—"
"And you'll sit forlornly on the sidelines. Get a hobby. Raise fish, or bonsai trees. This 'getting Clark his heart's desire' thing isn't healthy."
"I've taken up fencing."
"And you suck at it."
"A little more support wouldn't be entirely out of order."
"So you're really going to try to set Clark up by making him tell Lana what happened? He's going to sound like a wuss."
"He's going to sound honest."
"I swear, you never went to high school. Honesty doesn't matter. You have to be as stoic as possible. Meaning no admittance of anything bad happening to you. Clark isn't going to tell her. And he's not going to just hand her the necklace."
"You don't even know him."
"But I know you, and the way you think isn't the way most people think. Besides, the guy who rescues somebody who crucified him isn't going to go behind that somebody's back to steal that somebody's girlfriend."
"Don't be so sure."
"You can't change people's natures, Lex. He'll leave it in her locker or in her mailbox. Maybe he'll put a little note that says 'Not from your boyfriend,' or something, but that's about it."
"Humph. Okay, I'm at the plant now, so I've got to go."
"Wait, you've been talking to me while you've been *driving?*"
"Yes. Why?"
"Oh, my God. I will kill you and then beat you to death. Bye."
"Bye."
*
"Hey."
"Hey. What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything."
"Because Dad's going back to Smallville right now."
"Ah. Well, I might have done something."
"You just really enjoy pissing him off. Anyway. He's on his way."
"Thanks."
"So, how's Clark doing?"
"Fine. I saw him yesterday."
"Really? Anything unusual about him?"
"All right. What did you find out?"
"Yay! Hee, hee. I hired a private detective to follow him around and take pictures. He's on the *football team*?"
"It's a recent thing."
"He looks good in a jersey. No wonder you're remaining manfully silent about his looks. Don't cut yourself on those cheekbones."
"Manfully silent, over here."
"I'll bet you are. Anyway, I approve of any and all relationships you may engage with Mr. Underage Adonis. He's worth whatever jail time you get."
"Now you're just mocking me."
"Yep."
"The limo just pulled up. I'd better go. Thanks for the warning."
"No problem. Love you."
"You, too."