1 X-Ray
"Hello?"
"Lilly. Don't panic."
"I'm not panicking. Do you want to see me panicking? I've been calling you for hours—you were going to take me to see a play, and then you can't come and instead there's a policeman over here, asking us questions about your whereabouts, and—"
"Breathe."
"You keep telling me to do that. I don't want to breathe, I want to know what's going on."
"I didn't do it."
"Who the hell did?"
"That's a mystery."
"But they looked just like you."
"Except for being right-handed and completely insane, yes."
"I remain unconvinced."
"Why am I going to rob a bank?"
"Because you don't have TiVo."
"You and this TiVo thing. I can't believe my own sister—"
"I never—"
"Doubting my word—"
"I hate you. Why didn't you call me?"
"Because you're only allowed one phone call."
"And you didn't call me?"
"You don't have a law degree. Look, it's late. I'll know more tomorrow. Your Adonis was a witness; I'm going to go find out what he knows. If his father doesn't shoot me before I set foot on the property."
"Okay. Call me the minute you find out something."
"Promise. Good night."
"'Night."
*
"So far, all we've established is that it wasn't me."
"It looks just like you in the picture."
"I hate that paper. Who wrote the story, anyway?"
"Roger Nixon."
"Humph. I talked to Clark. He said the guy was a dead ringer."
"Poor guy."
"Clark?"
"The bank robber. I wouldn't want to have to look like you."
"I'm never taking you to see that play, if you're not nice to me."
"Just goes to show that even the family evil genius needs someone to love him."
"You believe me, don't you? I really didn't rob that bank."
"Don't be stupid. Of course I do. Guns aren't your style, even if I did think you were capable of robbing someone."
"Thank… you."
"How's the new car doing?"
"The Vantage? It's great. You put that engine in yourself?"
"Yep. Greg supervised. We tested the acceleration at the track, but we couldn't find any dirt roads, so don't get too enthusiastic about those back roads you're so fond of."
"I'll be careful. Thanks."
"You're welcome. It's not Speed Racer."
"No car will be Speed Racer."
"Nothing will ever be the same."
"You've been watching 'Dawson's Creek' reruns again, haven't you?"
"Bryan came over and hooked up my computer so I can download all the episodes I missed."
"Who's Bryan?"
"A guy from school. He's a computer geek."
"Sounds like fun."
"Shut up. When are they going to catch the guy?"
"I'll call them and see if they can give me an ETA."
"Thanks. Gotta go."
"Bye."
*
"They found out who did it."
"Who was he?"
"She. Some girl who disguised herself to look like me."
"Wow. Years of potential ridicule, right there."
"Lilly—"
"Small-town girl dresses up like bald mega-billionare to rob bank. She's going to get major shit in prison."
"Juvenile detention."
"How old is she?"
"Fifteen or sixteen."
"Weird-ass teenagers you've got out there. Which reminds me—how's Adonis?"
"Doing well. He's still pining after the cheerleader."
"Lana?"
"Yes. Really, an ex-cheerleader. She's a waitress now. Or she was. It's difficult to keep up with her."
"Even more so when you don't care. So Clark keeps pining?"
"It's a little sickening."
"Especially when he could be pining after you."
"I need to fix them up."
"Because you owe him still."
"He saved my life! And he won't take the truck. It's just sitting in the garage, getting dusty."
"Sell it off."
"I can't. I might need a four-wheel drive someday."
"When?"
"During a blizzard?"
"If there's a blizzard, stay inside. So, you're going to get Clark the girl of his dreams, since that's less morally suspect than giving him a truck. You're like the Make A Wish Foundation gone terribly, terribly wrong."
"I'm not going to dignify that."
"What are you going to do?"
"Not sure. I need to get her quarterback boyfriend out of the way first."
"He's the quarterback? And she was a cheerleader? It's like a John Cusack movie."
"Any ideas?"
"Concert tickets."
"Concert tickets."
"Yeah. Find out her favorite band, get your Adonis some tickets, and let 'em loose."
"Let 'em loose."
"You could give them the limo, too."
"The limo?"
"It's only a conversation if you come up with your very own words every once in a while."
"I'm just not sure how to casually slip someone concert tickets."
"You don't have to be casual about it. Just give them to Clark, suggest that he invite Lana, and let him do the rest."
"Remember what happened the last time I gave him a suggestion."
"Then dare him. Poke him in the ribs and hope he'll do it on his own."
"I thought you were against this."
"I am. But it's fun."
"We're a little too alike, sometimes."
"Thank God we can blame it on Dad. Go do your stuff. I've got to get ready."
"What's happening?"
"Bryan's taking me to see Radiohead. They're in Metropolis for this whole week, and we're going tonight. Very exciting. What are you doing, this fine Thursday night?"
"Working. I've got to figure out some finances."
"Don't you have an army of accountants for that?"
"Not mine. The Kents'."
"Lex. Let it go. Clark might be your friend, but his parents hate you and you're not going to be able to change that, no matter how nice you are. Some people just don't like us. Okay?"
"I can help them. All they need is a little boost—it's the debt that's killing them."
"You never used to need to be liked this much. What's with you?"
"You have a concert to go to."
"Fine. Have a good time."
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Bumpy."
"Hello?"
"Lilly. Don't panic."
"I'm not panicking. Do you want to see me panicking? I've been calling you for hours—you were going to take me to see a play, and then you can't come and instead there's a policeman over here, asking us questions about your whereabouts, and—"
"Breathe."
"You keep telling me to do that. I don't want to breathe, I want to know what's going on."
"I didn't do it."
"Who the hell did?"
"That's a mystery."
"But they looked just like you."
"Except for being right-handed and completely insane, yes."
"I remain unconvinced."
"Why am I going to rob a bank?"
"Because you don't have TiVo."
"You and this TiVo thing. I can't believe my own sister—"
"I never—"
"Doubting my word—"
"I hate you. Why didn't you call me?"
"Because you're only allowed one phone call."
"And you didn't call me?"
"You don't have a law degree. Look, it's late. I'll know more tomorrow. Your Adonis was a witness; I'm going to go find out what he knows. If his father doesn't shoot me before I set foot on the property."
"Okay. Call me the minute you find out something."
"Promise. Good night."
"'Night."
*
"So far, all we've established is that it wasn't me."
"It looks just like you in the picture."
"I hate that paper. Who wrote the story, anyway?"
"Roger Nixon."
"Humph. I talked to Clark. He said the guy was a dead ringer."
"Poor guy."
"Clark?"
"The bank robber. I wouldn't want to have to look like you."
"I'm never taking you to see that play, if you're not nice to me."
"Just goes to show that even the family evil genius needs someone to love him."
"You believe me, don't you? I really didn't rob that bank."
"Don't be stupid. Of course I do. Guns aren't your style, even if I did think you were capable of robbing someone."
"Thank… you."
"How's the new car doing?"
"The Vantage? It's great. You put that engine in yourself?"
"Yep. Greg supervised. We tested the acceleration at the track, but we couldn't find any dirt roads, so don't get too enthusiastic about those back roads you're so fond of."
"I'll be careful. Thanks."
"You're welcome. It's not Speed Racer."
"No car will be Speed Racer."
"Nothing will ever be the same."
"You've been watching 'Dawson's Creek' reruns again, haven't you?"
"Bryan came over and hooked up my computer so I can download all the episodes I missed."
"Who's Bryan?"
"A guy from school. He's a computer geek."
"Sounds like fun."
"Shut up. When are they going to catch the guy?"
"I'll call them and see if they can give me an ETA."
"Thanks. Gotta go."
"Bye."
*
"They found out who did it."
"Who was he?"
"She. Some girl who disguised herself to look like me."
"Wow. Years of potential ridicule, right there."
"Lilly—"
"Small-town girl dresses up like bald mega-billionare to rob bank. She's going to get major shit in prison."
"Juvenile detention."
"How old is she?"
"Fifteen or sixteen."
"Weird-ass teenagers you've got out there. Which reminds me—how's Adonis?"
"Doing well. He's still pining after the cheerleader."
"Lana?"
"Yes. Really, an ex-cheerleader. She's a waitress now. Or she was. It's difficult to keep up with her."
"Even more so when you don't care. So Clark keeps pining?"
"It's a little sickening."
"Especially when he could be pining after you."
"I need to fix them up."
"Because you owe him still."
"He saved my life! And he won't take the truck. It's just sitting in the garage, getting dusty."
"Sell it off."
"I can't. I might need a four-wheel drive someday."
"When?"
"During a blizzard?"
"If there's a blizzard, stay inside. So, you're going to get Clark the girl of his dreams, since that's less morally suspect than giving him a truck. You're like the Make A Wish Foundation gone terribly, terribly wrong."
"I'm not going to dignify that."
"What are you going to do?"
"Not sure. I need to get her quarterback boyfriend out of the way first."
"He's the quarterback? And she was a cheerleader? It's like a John Cusack movie."
"Any ideas?"
"Concert tickets."
"Concert tickets."
"Yeah. Find out her favorite band, get your Adonis some tickets, and let 'em loose."
"Let 'em loose."
"You could give them the limo, too."
"The limo?"
"It's only a conversation if you come up with your very own words every once in a while."
"I'm just not sure how to casually slip someone concert tickets."
"You don't have to be casual about it. Just give them to Clark, suggest that he invite Lana, and let him do the rest."
"Remember what happened the last time I gave him a suggestion."
"Then dare him. Poke him in the ribs and hope he'll do it on his own."
"I thought you were against this."
"I am. But it's fun."
"We're a little too alike, sometimes."
"Thank God we can blame it on Dad. Go do your stuff. I've got to get ready."
"What's happening?"
"Bryan's taking me to see Radiohead. They're in Metropolis for this whole week, and we're going tonight. Very exciting. What are you doing, this fine Thursday night?"
"Working. I've got to figure out some finances."
"Don't you have an army of accountants for that?"
"Not mine. The Kents'."
"Lex. Let it go. Clark might be your friend, but his parents hate you and you're not going to be able to change that, no matter how nice you are. Some people just don't like us. Okay?"
"I can help them. All they need is a little boost—it's the debt that's killing them."
"You never used to need to be liked this much. What's with you?"
"You have a concert to go to."
"Fine. Have a good time."
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Bumpy."