A/N: This chapter is a 'map'-ish layout of Bastila's emotions and thingies. I should have one of these once in a while... If you don't like this, tell me. I just had to think of a way to use up at least an hour of 'en route' time to Telos.
Chapter 3
Bastila's POV
I waltzed out of the room towards the crew quarters. I had been neglecting my meditations. It was even worse for me, considering my fall. It was slightly irritating that Carth insisted on stopping on Telos first, but after all that has happened...I must admit it is a welcome break.
Sitting down on top of a small blanket I had spread out this morning, I focused on the presences of the Ebon Hawk crew, expanding gradually to the presence of the Force itself.
I felt billions of lives, all varied, yet the same. Auras of different colors, temperament...some dark, some light. And I sensed new lives coming, and some joining the Force.
I could not help but feel myself drawn to the poisonous yet intoxicating feeling of death in the Force. I focus on the code, but I feel that it has wrongs in it...After my fall; I know that neither side is truly correct.
There is no Emotion...There is peace.
Love can save you from the darkness, yet...it is an emotion. I hate to question the Jedi council so soon after my attempt at redemption. But I have indisputable proof. I have felt love...sometimes it is an overwhelming feeling, enough to draw strength from in times of need...in times of darkness.
There is no ignorance...There is knowledge.
Surely, without ignorance there would be no such thing as knowledge. If every being were all-knowing, what would intelligence be? What would ignorance be? I cannot see the reason why the Code implies we must have no ignorance. It is like light without darkness, woman without man.
There is no Passion...There is Serenity.
Passion is not only hate, anger, fear...it is also a stronger form of love. Serenity is key to focus, but you need passion when you feel weak, where you can draw from it to become strong again. It is like a reservoir kept in your soul to take from, but never empties.
There is no Chaos...There is Harmony.
You cannot prevent chaos from coming to pass. When Taris was destroyed, there was chaos. It was caused by the darkside, yes. But could it have been stopped by parading in front of Malak and talking about harmony?
There is no Death...There is the Force.
We die and join the Force. What of a non-Force sensitive? Do they join the Force, adding a miniscule whisper of energy into the being of the Force? Or does Fate just strike them with its invisible hand and take them to death, with no return?
Like Revan, I stand alone.
I open my eyes. Twenty minutes. It was not that long of a time. I remember the days when I could sit patiently for hours on end, simply meditating, hearing the voices of my masters reciting the code, and I piously believed every word of it. You cannot say the same now. I have changed. I sink back into my trance.
Peace is a lie...There is only Passion.
Peace and Passion can come at the same time, strangely. Peace from the wave of serenity and compassion from Revan, and at the same time, burning desire and passion from his old identity.
Through Passion, I gain strength.
This is true. Many times, I have gained strength from passion. Passion can fuel you, make you feel stronger. But sometimes, Passion is far too overwhelming and I am caught in the intense memories of my past. Anger. Hate. Fear.
Through Strength, I gain Power.
Strength does not always lead to power. Malak may have been a large, strong brute, but Revan still came out the most powerful of the pair, in the end. Power comes from knowing that you earned it, that people respect you and that you have a right to oversee whatever you wield power over.
Through Power, I gain victory.
Revan was the sly, sneaky one. He did not need power to rule. He knew how to manipulate, to twist people's minds to his will. He knew how to instill fear into the hearts of his enemies, to squeeze the life out of their bodies with a simple closing of his fist. He did not need power. He had prowess.
Through Victory, My chains are broken.
Victory can set many more restrictions on you than it cuts off. Revan now is saddled with the wary and cautious eyes of the masters, constantly watching. He is also under the pressure of serving as a good example for every Jedi. The only freedom he has now is...knowing that the Sith threat is over. For now.
The Force shall set me free...
It is not the Force that sets you free; it is understanding the wisdom you must have to comprehend what freedom truly is. One may think that their masters place too many restrictions on them, that the darkside is the only way to be set free. But when you are with the Sith inside the womb of evil, you cannot trust anyone. No companionship or warm greeting when you walk by.
Emptiness.
Guilt.
Sorrow.
Pain.
Loss.
Surely these feelings are enough to drive someone down the path of darkness, like they dragged me...led the way for me to taste the taint I wished for. And now I know that the light is where I belong...every time I look into Revan's eyes.