1.1 "Auld Lang Syne"
"'Lo?"
"Happy New Year, Lilly."
"Wha'?"
"Happy—were you *asleep?* It's 2002."
"Lec?"
"Yes. Wake up."
"Hold… Hold on. What time is it?"
"12:01 am. You obviously missed the 'Happy New Year' portion of this conversation."
"Well, if it happened at the beginning, then yeah, I probably did. What do you want?"
"Just to wish you joy and success for the new year."
"At this time of night?"
"Most people are awake right now."
"Most people are also singing Auld Lang Sing or whatever right now, too."
"Yes…"
"My point being that I don't do what most people do. So what are you doing calling me? Shouldn't you be partying with the Smallvillans?"
"I decided to spend a quiet night in."
"So Clark had to get up early tomorrow and couldn't make a night of it."
"Can we just leave it at 'Clark and I are just friends?'"
"There's no fun in that, so no."
"I don't want to get into yet another round of 'Am Not Are Too' with you tonight."
"Fine. I won't say anything. Although I am surprised that you're not in town, partying at the clubs."
"I just—didn't feel like it. And don't start with me coming back home—"
"I wasn't going to!"
"You did it for a month before Christmas."
"Yeah, and then you actually *did* come home. And *I* had to clean up the mess you made at that party last week."
"'Mess' is a little harsh."
"You called Dad a blood-sucking bastard."
"He is."
"In front of Grandmother and Aunt Leslie."
"They already know he is."
"And about a hundred guests."
"Well. There's that."
"Yeah. So, I'm not inviting you home for a little while. At least not until you tone down the drama."
"The drama?"
"It's like a greek play every time. Without togas. The Son Returns. The Father And Son Have A Fight. The Son Leaves. The Father Sulks. The Daughter Needs An Aspirin, But No One Is Around Because The Son Gave Everybody Christmas Off And Didn't Stick Around To Take Care Of His Crippled Sister."
"You needed an aspirin?"
"The Son Has Dawning Revelation That He's An Idiot."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. I've resolved to be more forgiving."
"Really. What else?"
"Well—wait. 'What else?' Do you have some suggestions?"
"So, so many."
"Are you implying that I could be, in some way, improved?"
"I think I'm telling you, rather than implying. So?"
"I hate you. Um, I resolved to be more careful with my body. Not break it so often."
"Very wise."
"And write to people, not just promise that I'll write."
"Good."
"Are you approving of my resolutions, or what?"
"Honestly, I'm fishing for ideas."
"It's a little late to be resolving things now."
"New Year's snuck up on me."
"Snuck, or sneaked?"
"I don't know. Crept."
"And since when has anything ever crept up on you, in the whole course of history?"
"I've been very involved with the plant—"
"Last year you had that huge list that you started in November."
"I didn't have the time this year for—"
"Seven pages long."
"There were a lot of projects needing—"
"I had to physically restrain you from cross-referencing it on Lotus Notes."
"I couldn't really—"
"One of the resolutions was 'Be Less Dweeby."
"I don't remember that."
"That's because I added it for you."
"How thoughtful."
"I think you should resolve to get together with Clark."
"Lilly, I'm about to make a resolution to be more fratricidal if you keep this up."
"I'm serious. You could really have something special with him."
Silence. "All right. Disregarding, for just a moment, the fact that I have absolutely no romantic interest in Clark, why are you encouraging me all of a sudden? You've been the one telling me what a bad idea any relationship would be. Not that I'm interested."
"That was before my New Year's Resolutions."
"So one of them is, 'Persuade brother to break Kansas laws pertaining to sodomy and child molesting?'"
"Yep."
"We're a very strange family, sometimes."
"Think about it this way. We put the 'funky' in 'dysfunctional.'"
Silence.
"What?"
"There's no 'k' in 'dysfunctional.'"
"There's a 'c.'"
"Which would spell 'funcy.'"
"I think that's a sponge."
"Goodnight, Lilly."
"Goodnight, Bumpy."
"You didn't, by any chance, make a resolution to stop calling me that, did you?"
"No."
Sigh. "'Night. Don't forget about the museum opening. It's in two weeks."
"Oh, I'm all a-tingle. You know, Alexander the Great was gay."
"Yes."
"I'm just throwing it out there."
"Good*night*."
"Happy New Year."
"'Lo?"
"Happy New Year, Lilly."
"Wha'?"
"Happy—were you *asleep?* It's 2002."
"Lec?"
"Yes. Wake up."
"Hold… Hold on. What time is it?"
"12:01 am. You obviously missed the 'Happy New Year' portion of this conversation."
"Well, if it happened at the beginning, then yeah, I probably did. What do you want?"
"Just to wish you joy and success for the new year."
"At this time of night?"
"Most people are awake right now."
"Most people are also singing Auld Lang Sing or whatever right now, too."
"Yes…"
"My point being that I don't do what most people do. So what are you doing calling me? Shouldn't you be partying with the Smallvillans?"
"I decided to spend a quiet night in."
"So Clark had to get up early tomorrow and couldn't make a night of it."
"Can we just leave it at 'Clark and I are just friends?'"
"There's no fun in that, so no."
"I don't want to get into yet another round of 'Am Not Are Too' with you tonight."
"Fine. I won't say anything. Although I am surprised that you're not in town, partying at the clubs."
"I just—didn't feel like it. And don't start with me coming back home—"
"I wasn't going to!"
"You did it for a month before Christmas."
"Yeah, and then you actually *did* come home. And *I* had to clean up the mess you made at that party last week."
"'Mess' is a little harsh."
"You called Dad a blood-sucking bastard."
"He is."
"In front of Grandmother and Aunt Leslie."
"They already know he is."
"And about a hundred guests."
"Well. There's that."
"Yeah. So, I'm not inviting you home for a little while. At least not until you tone down the drama."
"The drama?"
"It's like a greek play every time. Without togas. The Son Returns. The Father And Son Have A Fight. The Son Leaves. The Father Sulks. The Daughter Needs An Aspirin, But No One Is Around Because The Son Gave Everybody Christmas Off And Didn't Stick Around To Take Care Of His Crippled Sister."
"You needed an aspirin?"
"The Son Has Dawning Revelation That He's An Idiot."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. I've resolved to be more forgiving."
"Really. What else?"
"Well—wait. 'What else?' Do you have some suggestions?"
"So, so many."
"Are you implying that I could be, in some way, improved?"
"I think I'm telling you, rather than implying. So?"
"I hate you. Um, I resolved to be more careful with my body. Not break it so often."
"Very wise."
"And write to people, not just promise that I'll write."
"Good."
"Are you approving of my resolutions, or what?"
"Honestly, I'm fishing for ideas."
"It's a little late to be resolving things now."
"New Year's snuck up on me."
"Snuck, or sneaked?"
"I don't know. Crept."
"And since when has anything ever crept up on you, in the whole course of history?"
"I've been very involved with the plant—"
"Last year you had that huge list that you started in November."
"I didn't have the time this year for—"
"Seven pages long."
"There were a lot of projects needing—"
"I had to physically restrain you from cross-referencing it on Lotus Notes."
"I couldn't really—"
"One of the resolutions was 'Be Less Dweeby."
"I don't remember that."
"That's because I added it for you."
"How thoughtful."
"I think you should resolve to get together with Clark."
"Lilly, I'm about to make a resolution to be more fratricidal if you keep this up."
"I'm serious. You could really have something special with him."
Silence. "All right. Disregarding, for just a moment, the fact that I have absolutely no romantic interest in Clark, why are you encouraging me all of a sudden? You've been the one telling me what a bad idea any relationship would be. Not that I'm interested."
"That was before my New Year's Resolutions."
"So one of them is, 'Persuade brother to break Kansas laws pertaining to sodomy and child molesting?'"
"Yep."
"We're a very strange family, sometimes."
"Think about it this way. We put the 'funky' in 'dysfunctional.'"
Silence.
"What?"
"There's no 'k' in 'dysfunctional.'"
"There's a 'c.'"
"Which would spell 'funcy.'"
"I think that's a sponge."
"Goodnight, Lilly."
"Goodnight, Bumpy."
"You didn't, by any chance, make a resolution to stop calling me that, did you?"
"No."
Sigh. "'Night. Don't forget about the museum opening. It's in two weeks."
"Oh, I'm all a-tingle. You know, Alexander the Great was gay."
"Yes."
"I'm just throwing it out there."
"Good*night*."
"Happy New Year."