Rogue
"Where have you been? I wanted to introduce you to Clark."
"What was *that*?"
"What was what?"
"You didn't think I'd see him, did you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Victor is here."
"Her name's Victoria."
"He's a drag queen."
"*She* is a woman."
"Oh, like those are real. And what the hell are you two doing, making out in the middle of a party? This party especially."
"How do--"
"Surveillance camera."
"You were spying on me?"
"Okay, a) feel fortunate that I'm not Bruce, and b) I wasn't just spying on you, I was spying on your Adonis and this other completely adorable blonde guy who must've gotten lost. And c)...I forgot what c) was. Where did that blonde guy get to?"
"How did you get into the camera room?"
Sigh. "I got bored, went upstairs to talk with Joe the Shmo, he let me sit with him and check out all the surveillance stuff. Incidentally, I got a few really cute pictures of you and Clark. I think he likes you."
"Pictures?"
"I just used the freeze-frame. Joe's going to drop them off tomorrow."
"You're going to use them as blackmail, or as next year's Christmas card cover?"
"Those are both excellent ideas."
"I don't even know who Joe is."
"The rent-a-cop guy who's running the Luthor wing security until Dad hires somebody else. Nice guy. He was the one sorting out the logistics of 400 people in one wing of the museum, while you were busy trying on the breastplate."
"It fit perfectly, you know.'"
"So why *is* Victor... ia here?"
"She wanted to talk."
"That's hard to do when you're licking her diphthong."
Silence. "Her what?"
"The... dangly thing at the back of the throat."
"That's the uvula."
"Then what's a diphthong?"
"How much did the camera catch?"
"Way too much. Lex, she's evil. She's more evil than you. She's going to use you just like the last time."
"I know."
"But you're taking her back to Smallville with you tonight."
Silence.
"Okay, fine. None of my business. I'm just the sister. Whatever."
"Should you be standing so much?"
"Lex, it's been a month. More than. I'm fine--the leg's almost healed, anyway. Another few weeks and the cast'll be off."
"I'll miss it."
"Because you won't be able to walk away from me when I annoy you?"
"Does it count as an insult, if you're the one insulting yourself, and I'm just nodding my head in agreement?"
"That wasn't an insult, it was an observation into your behavior whenever I say something that disturbs your equilibrium. Hey, Lana's here."
"With her quarterback."
"The blonde guy's her boyfriend? Way to go, Lana. I take it you didn't invite him."
"I had my qualms about inviting her, to be honest. I don't think Clark knows what to do around women."
"Maybe he knows what to do around men."
"Walking away now."
*
"Hello?"
"Hey, your friend the rent-a-cop--"
"Joe the Shmo?"
"Yeah. Did he ever deliver those photos to you?"
"I... no, he didn't. Says he can't find them. Why?"
"Because Phelan's got them."
"Phelan. God. What's he want now?"
"I'm not sure, but he's looking for Clark; claims Clark saw the bus accident last night."
"Why couldn't he just look Clark--oh. He doesn't know Clark's name, he just has the pictures."
"He showed me a photo of Clark and me, asked if I knew him."
"What did you say?"
"I didn't say anything. You think Joe could've given him the pictures?"
"Maybe. I don't know that much about him. What's on his resume, which isn't a whole lot. You want me to find out why he gave Phelan the pictures?"
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble."
"Not at all. Only too happy to help. Anything for family."
"Lilly--"
"You didn't even bother to stick around and see if I'd get home all right."
"You have a limousine at your service, you don't need me--"
"Is she still there?"
Sigh. "Yes, she is."
"And she's got a scheme."
"Yes, she does."
"And you want me to just forget about what happened the last time."
"I'd settle for you shutting up about it." Silence. "Lilly. Lilly? Hello? Damn."
*
"Hello."
"Joe had a DUI on his record before; Phelan threatened to tell the museum about it if he didn't deliver some pictures of you and various party guests--specifically, people who hadn't been seen at your parties before. I'm assuming Phelan was already on a first-name basis with most of your city friends."
"Thank--"
"I also talked with Daddy's new boy in the force, and he made a point of telling me that the bus accident from last night was just an accident. There wasn't anything unusual. Even though I didn't *ask* about it, I just asked for information about Phelan's activities. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I can get the file on the investigation, if you want."
"No, I don't think that's necessary. Probably just using it as an excuse to get to Clark. Thank you."
"Why would he want to get to Clark?"
"I don't know."
"Whatever. Bye."
"Lil--damn."
*
"What?"
"You know I hate it when you hang up on me."
"That's why I did it."
"Don't be mad. She's not--we're not--"
"Yeah, you are. And every time she comes into your life, something bad happens. You get expelled, or you blow up a building, or you get arrested. Can't you just learn from your mistakes like a normal human being?"
"I have learned from my mistakes. I don't trust her, and I'm not about to get involved with her."
"Yes, you are. This is going to end messy, I know it."
"What, you have precognition now?"
"She's going to cheat you again."
"Lilly, I know that. This isn't serious--this is a game to her."
"It's a dangerous game. Dad won't be happy."
"Dad won't find out." Silence. "Lilly."
"That's true. He won't."
"Because he already knows."
Silence. "Oops. Sorry."
"You don't sound like it."
"That's because I'm lying."
"Lilly, what I do is my own business."
"When you're doing Victoria Hardwick, it becomes other peoples' business in a hurry. I was just trying to beat the rush."
"Why are you so worried?"
"Because I'm scared, okay? I'm scared that you're going to do something stupid, and then Dad's going to do something stupid, and I'm going to have to testify in court that I really had no choice, judge, in killing off both my father and brother because they were DRIVING ME NUTS."
"Short trip."
"Lex--"
"It's all right, it's all right. Look... I know what I'm doing. You trust me, right?"
"When you're not behind a wheel, yes."
"Then please, just trust me on this. It'll be fine. Give me some time, and everything will be back to normal."
"Okay. I've... I've got to go. School night."
"It's eight o'clock."
"G'night, Lex."
*
"...So was Clark there?"
"No. I don't... I don't think so. I called him right after I got home. Apparently he'd been working on some project in the barn the whole night. Of course, his parents are going to back that up, even if he wasn't."
"Lex, you never actually saw him get in the car. Phelan just went to the farm and came back, you said."
"I know. But that camera tape--"
"Why are you gunning so hard for Clark to be evil?"
"I suppose... it would make him easier to understand."
"Well, you'll have to settle for him being a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a twinkie."
"What about those bars? That was re-enforced steel, Lilly. Somebody bent them like... like they weren't."
"Something, Lex. The forensic guys say no way did anyone touch these bars. There was some sort of... let's see, where--ah. `Combination of heat and pressure applied.' Meaning Phelan had a contraption that could do that. A machine. Not a person."
"Did they find anything like that at the scene?"
"No, but they're still looking. And just because it wasn't Clark, doesn't mean there wasn't any accomplice. The cute guy at the lab thinks it might have been an inside job. Detectives put Joe through the wringer this morning, asking about his DUI and everything."
"Is Dad letting him keep his job?"
"Oddly enough, yes."
"Very odd."
"I pulled the emotionally distraught daughter thing. He fell for it like a little baby."
"You're worse than I am, sometimes."
"Much, much worse."
"So... are we all right again?"
"As soon as I forgive you for being a moron. Which might take a while."
"You've been forgiving me for that for years, if I remember."
"Does it count as an insult, if you're the one insulting yourself, and I'm just nodding my head in agreement?"
"I don't think it's fair, you stealing my lines like that."
"Deal. And anyway, I have to get to school. Thank God you got that breastplate back; I'm taking it in for show and tell today."
"You're kidding."
"But wouldn't that be a great show and tell item? `This is the breastplate of Alexander the Great, known to his friends as Alexander the Fabulous. It is directly responsible for Liberace's entire career, making Alexander one of the greatest cultural criminals of all time.'"
"I'll talk to you later. Love you."
"You, too. Even if you have godawful taste in women."
"But not in men?"
"Hey! No fair. I have to go to school and you say something like that?"
"'Bye."
"But that's so easy to tease you about! I want to ridicule you now! Dammit."
"Where have you been? I wanted to introduce you to Clark."
"What was *that*?"
"What was what?"
"You didn't think I'd see him, did you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Victor is here."
"Her name's Victoria."
"He's a drag queen."
"*She* is a woman."
"Oh, like those are real. And what the hell are you two doing, making out in the middle of a party? This party especially."
"How do--"
"Surveillance camera."
"You were spying on me?"
"Okay, a) feel fortunate that I'm not Bruce, and b) I wasn't just spying on you, I was spying on your Adonis and this other completely adorable blonde guy who must've gotten lost. And c)...I forgot what c) was. Where did that blonde guy get to?"
"How did you get into the camera room?"
Sigh. "I got bored, went upstairs to talk with Joe the Shmo, he let me sit with him and check out all the surveillance stuff. Incidentally, I got a few really cute pictures of you and Clark. I think he likes you."
"Pictures?"
"I just used the freeze-frame. Joe's going to drop them off tomorrow."
"You're going to use them as blackmail, or as next year's Christmas card cover?"
"Those are both excellent ideas."
"I don't even know who Joe is."
"The rent-a-cop guy who's running the Luthor wing security until Dad hires somebody else. Nice guy. He was the one sorting out the logistics of 400 people in one wing of the museum, while you were busy trying on the breastplate."
"It fit perfectly, you know.'"
"So why *is* Victor... ia here?"
"She wanted to talk."
"That's hard to do when you're licking her diphthong."
Silence. "Her what?"
"The... dangly thing at the back of the throat."
"That's the uvula."
"Then what's a diphthong?"
"How much did the camera catch?"
"Way too much. Lex, she's evil. She's more evil than you. She's going to use you just like the last time."
"I know."
"But you're taking her back to Smallville with you tonight."
Silence.
"Okay, fine. None of my business. I'm just the sister. Whatever."
"Should you be standing so much?"
"Lex, it's been a month. More than. I'm fine--the leg's almost healed, anyway. Another few weeks and the cast'll be off."
"I'll miss it."
"Because you won't be able to walk away from me when I annoy you?"
"Does it count as an insult, if you're the one insulting yourself, and I'm just nodding my head in agreement?"
"That wasn't an insult, it was an observation into your behavior whenever I say something that disturbs your equilibrium. Hey, Lana's here."
"With her quarterback."
"The blonde guy's her boyfriend? Way to go, Lana. I take it you didn't invite him."
"I had my qualms about inviting her, to be honest. I don't think Clark knows what to do around women."
"Maybe he knows what to do around men."
"Walking away now."
*
"Hello?"
"Hey, your friend the rent-a-cop--"
"Joe the Shmo?"
"Yeah. Did he ever deliver those photos to you?"
"I... no, he didn't. Says he can't find them. Why?"
"Because Phelan's got them."
"Phelan. God. What's he want now?"
"I'm not sure, but he's looking for Clark; claims Clark saw the bus accident last night."
"Why couldn't he just look Clark--oh. He doesn't know Clark's name, he just has the pictures."
"He showed me a photo of Clark and me, asked if I knew him."
"What did you say?"
"I didn't say anything. You think Joe could've given him the pictures?"
"Maybe. I don't know that much about him. What's on his resume, which isn't a whole lot. You want me to find out why he gave Phelan the pictures?"
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble."
"Not at all. Only too happy to help. Anything for family."
"Lilly--"
"You didn't even bother to stick around and see if I'd get home all right."
"You have a limousine at your service, you don't need me--"
"Is she still there?"
Sigh. "Yes, she is."
"And she's got a scheme."
"Yes, she does."
"And you want me to just forget about what happened the last time."
"I'd settle for you shutting up about it." Silence. "Lilly. Lilly? Hello? Damn."
*
"Hello."
"Joe had a DUI on his record before; Phelan threatened to tell the museum about it if he didn't deliver some pictures of you and various party guests--specifically, people who hadn't been seen at your parties before. I'm assuming Phelan was already on a first-name basis with most of your city friends."
"Thank--"
"I also talked with Daddy's new boy in the force, and he made a point of telling me that the bus accident from last night was just an accident. There wasn't anything unusual. Even though I didn't *ask* about it, I just asked for information about Phelan's activities. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I can get the file on the investigation, if you want."
"No, I don't think that's necessary. Probably just using it as an excuse to get to Clark. Thank you."
"Why would he want to get to Clark?"
"I don't know."
"Whatever. Bye."
"Lil--damn."
*
"What?"
"You know I hate it when you hang up on me."
"That's why I did it."
"Don't be mad. She's not--we're not--"
"Yeah, you are. And every time she comes into your life, something bad happens. You get expelled, or you blow up a building, or you get arrested. Can't you just learn from your mistakes like a normal human being?"
"I have learned from my mistakes. I don't trust her, and I'm not about to get involved with her."
"Yes, you are. This is going to end messy, I know it."
"What, you have precognition now?"
"She's going to cheat you again."
"Lilly, I know that. This isn't serious--this is a game to her."
"It's a dangerous game. Dad won't be happy."
"Dad won't find out." Silence. "Lilly."
"That's true. He won't."
"Because he already knows."
Silence. "Oops. Sorry."
"You don't sound like it."
"That's because I'm lying."
"Lilly, what I do is my own business."
"When you're doing Victoria Hardwick, it becomes other peoples' business in a hurry. I was just trying to beat the rush."
"Why are you so worried?"
"Because I'm scared, okay? I'm scared that you're going to do something stupid, and then Dad's going to do something stupid, and I'm going to have to testify in court that I really had no choice, judge, in killing off both my father and brother because they were DRIVING ME NUTS."
"Short trip."
"Lex--"
"It's all right, it's all right. Look... I know what I'm doing. You trust me, right?"
"When you're not behind a wheel, yes."
"Then please, just trust me on this. It'll be fine. Give me some time, and everything will be back to normal."
"Okay. I've... I've got to go. School night."
"It's eight o'clock."
"G'night, Lex."
*
"...So was Clark there?"
"No. I don't... I don't think so. I called him right after I got home. Apparently he'd been working on some project in the barn the whole night. Of course, his parents are going to back that up, even if he wasn't."
"Lex, you never actually saw him get in the car. Phelan just went to the farm and came back, you said."
"I know. But that camera tape--"
"Why are you gunning so hard for Clark to be evil?"
"I suppose... it would make him easier to understand."
"Well, you'll have to settle for him being a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a twinkie."
"What about those bars? That was re-enforced steel, Lilly. Somebody bent them like... like they weren't."
"Something, Lex. The forensic guys say no way did anyone touch these bars. There was some sort of... let's see, where--ah. `Combination of heat and pressure applied.' Meaning Phelan had a contraption that could do that. A machine. Not a person."
"Did they find anything like that at the scene?"
"No, but they're still looking. And just because it wasn't Clark, doesn't mean there wasn't any accomplice. The cute guy at the lab thinks it might have been an inside job. Detectives put Joe through the wringer this morning, asking about his DUI and everything."
"Is Dad letting him keep his job?"
"Oddly enough, yes."
"Very odd."
"I pulled the emotionally distraught daughter thing. He fell for it like a little baby."
"You're worse than I am, sometimes."
"Much, much worse."
"So... are we all right again?"
"As soon as I forgive you for being a moron. Which might take a while."
"You've been forgiving me for that for years, if I remember."
"Does it count as an insult, if you're the one insulting yourself, and I'm just nodding my head in agreement?"
"I don't think it's fair, you stealing my lines like that."
"Deal. And anyway, I have to get to school. Thank God you got that breastplate back; I'm taking it in for show and tell today."
"You're kidding."
"But wouldn't that be a great show and tell item? `This is the breastplate of Alexander the Great, known to his friends as Alexander the Fabulous. It is directly responsible for Liberace's entire career, making Alexander one of the greatest cultural criminals of all time.'"
"I'll talk to you later. Love you."
"You, too. Even if you have godawful taste in women."
"But not in men?"
"Hey! No fair. I have to go to school and you say something like that?"
"'Bye."
"But that's so easy to tease you about! I want to ridicule you now! Dammit."