Shimmer
"Hey, Lex! How are ya? Doing good? Doing fine? That's great to know."
"What did you do now?"
"Dad's on his way down."
"Ah."
"'Ah'?"
"'Ah.' You'd prefer that I start running around like the girl in the Mentos commercial?"
"Oh, would you? And then, with the guacamole and the towels and the--"
"I'm not doing anything wrong, Lilly. He can't punish me."
"He can get sarcastic and mean. He might even start on the Roman Empire again, and nobody wants that on a Tuesday afternoon."
"Relax. I've got it. Thanks for the warning."
"Any time. I'm like the robot in that `Lost In Space' TV show. `Danger, Will Robinson! Danger, Danger!'"
"Are you on something?"
"...Yeah."
"Crack?"
"Shut up. I... kind of rebroke my leg, so they gave me pretty pills."
"How did--are you all right? You--"
"Lex, I'm fine, I just tried to do too much too soon. They should warn you that the walking cast should not be mistaken for a jogging or a skipping cast. Because those little distinguishing features can really, really make a difference."
"You tried to skip?"
"It was more a hopscotching kind of thing. You know what? Never mind. I'm embarrassing myself."
"Yes, you are. I'll talk to you later."
"Sure thing. Try not to get blood on the carpets."
*
"Hey."
"Hey. You sent Victoria to Metropolis."
"Yes, there've been some accidents. Or attacks. We're not sure, and I thought she'd be safer there."
"That's very noble. You sent her here."
"Yes."
"'Here' meaning not just Metropolis."
"Yes."
"'Here' meaning `the apartment I call "home"'."
"How many quotation marks would that phrase use?"
"Lex!"
"It's not really an apartment. And besides, you've said any number of times that it's my home, too."
"Are you punishing me for something?"
"Is she around? I'll say hi."
"She's out shopping. With my maid. You're letting her stay here?"
"Where else would you suggest?"
"One of the seedier hotels in the Suicide Slums would've been great."
"It's just for a few days. Besides, she can't get up to much; Dad's off in Japan, and you're hardly a mine of information when it comes to LuthorCorp."
"You are punishing me for something."
"Yes."
"What did I do?"
"Two guesses."
"The mural? You said it was okay!"
"I said okay to a mural, not to a full-scale war on my sanity."
"I gave him specific instructions only to work when you were out of the house."
"Yes. And he manages to not work when I'm in the house admirably. But his presence lingers. As does the scaffolding. And the paints. And the drop cloths."
"He's been there for, like, a day."
"It seems longer."
"And he's the best painter in Italy. The best one who's alive, anyway. He's very expensive. So you're going to say `Thank you very much' to your Christmas present, and take Victoria away from here immediately."
"You should take her out tonight. Show her some of the sights."
"God, you're mean. What's the matter with you?"
"You caught me at kind of a bad moment."
"Meaning what? Since Victoria's here, and I doubt Clark could've succumbed to your charms that fast--"
"I resent all those implications." Silence. "I just came back from the cottage."
"What happened? Are Frank and Sarah all right?"
"They're fine. Amy--you remember Amy?"
"The... daughter. Right. The one with the crush on you?"
"She went overboard on the crush. Seems she's been keeping a shrine of some sort. Of me."
"Phft. A shrine devoted to you?"
"What? It's not out of the realms of possibility. I'm a charismatic guy."
"Uh-huh. Okay. So... what?"
"So they're going back to Metropolis. Getting her some psychiatric care."
"Yes, having a crush on Lex Luthor is a definite indication of lost marbles."
"Just because--"
"Relax, I didn't mean it like that. She's really that far gone?"
"She tried to drown Victoria, vandalized her room, and stole Mom's watch."
"Well, I was with her right up to the last thing, but whatever. Are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah. I'll feel better once they go, though. You'll take Frank and Sarah back, right?"
"Since I'm apparently in charge of the household these days, yes I will. I miss Sarah's hot chocolate."
"Trust you to make a decision gastronomically."
"It's a better thinking organ than some organs that I could mention."
"But you won't."
"But I won't. Anyway, the guy'll be done in a few days."
"You haven't even told me what the picture's going to be."
"It's going to cover up that awful cheapo reproduction Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse thing."
"Yes."
"So just think of whatever's going to be there as an improvement."
"Well, then thank you very much. Hey, I've got to go. They're going to leave in a minute."
"Okay. Tell them not to worry about their jobs."
"I'll be sure to do that. Bye."
"Bye."
*
"Hello?"
"So Jeff is on his way up, too."
"Jeff? Who's--oh, right. The big brother. Why wouldn't he come up with everybody else?"
"Turns out he wanted to kill me, first."
"Another homicidal teenager? What the hell do they put in the water down there?"
"I'm running tests. Trust me."
"If I can tell you what happened next, will you give me a thousand dollars?"
"No, because it's obvious that Clark saved my life."
"DAMMIT. I really wanted the thousand dollars, too."
"You want a thousand dollars? What has your allowance gotten up to, anyway? About ten thousand a month?"
"Don't exaggerate. Seven thousand. And most of it goes to charity, anyway, so don't get all cond...escending on me."
"You almost said `condensating' again, didn't you."
"Shut up. God. Why do I even call you?"
"I actually called you, this time."
"Oh. So what happened? Why the hell did Jeff try to kill you? And how did Clark figure in this time?"
"I think he... he just snapped. He was ranting about how we always treated him and his sister like they were invisible--which, incidentally, he was--and that everything had been fine until I'd sent Amy away."
"Ooh. Sounds like Jeff was a little too close to Amy. So is he going to the same psych ward, or are you going to throw him in jail?"
"No--therapy's probably a worse punishment, in the end. Besides, it's not like it was personal."
"Attempted murder isn't personal?"
"I meant... I meant that he didn't care if I lived or died. He just wanted his family back."
"Huh. Strange way of going about it. So, back up there for a minute. He was *invisible*?"
"I thought I might be able to sneak that one by you?"
"Not a chance."
"Yeah. I couldn't see him."
"And we'll overlook the fact that it was nighttime, and maybe the room was dark."
"No--he was... okay, maybe it was dark, but there was no way I'd miss him. It's been clear for a few days here, and the moon's half-full. Bright enough to see, but I couldn't see him."
"Uh-huh. And so how did Clark get him?"
"I'm not sure. I was knocked out."
"Wow. You got beaten up by *Jeff*? He's the girliest guy I've ever met."
"Apparently lunacy lends a certain strength."
"As does invisibility. So did Clark mention anything about this invisibility thing?"
"Not really."
"Huh. So you're the only one who's convinced that Jeff was invisible."
"I saw it!"
"Or rather, didn't see it."
"He ran into the scaffolding and now the paint is leaking into the carpet."
"Have Enrique clean it up."
"I gave him the night off. He was looking a little unnerved when Amy and her parents left."
"Probably wondering if you'll ship him off next."
"As far as I know, he doesn't have a shrine devoted to me."
"He might have one devoted to me."
"Enrique strikes you as that type?"
"The shrine type?"
"The straight type."
"Oh. Good point. Maybe he has a shrine to Dad."
Silence.
Laughter.
"Hey, Lex! How are ya? Doing good? Doing fine? That's great to know."
"What did you do now?"
"Dad's on his way down."
"Ah."
"'Ah'?"
"'Ah.' You'd prefer that I start running around like the girl in the Mentos commercial?"
"Oh, would you? And then, with the guacamole and the towels and the--"
"I'm not doing anything wrong, Lilly. He can't punish me."
"He can get sarcastic and mean. He might even start on the Roman Empire again, and nobody wants that on a Tuesday afternoon."
"Relax. I've got it. Thanks for the warning."
"Any time. I'm like the robot in that `Lost In Space' TV show. `Danger, Will Robinson! Danger, Danger!'"
"Are you on something?"
"...Yeah."
"Crack?"
"Shut up. I... kind of rebroke my leg, so they gave me pretty pills."
"How did--are you all right? You--"
"Lex, I'm fine, I just tried to do too much too soon. They should warn you that the walking cast should not be mistaken for a jogging or a skipping cast. Because those little distinguishing features can really, really make a difference."
"You tried to skip?"
"It was more a hopscotching kind of thing. You know what? Never mind. I'm embarrassing myself."
"Yes, you are. I'll talk to you later."
"Sure thing. Try not to get blood on the carpets."
*
"Hey."
"Hey. You sent Victoria to Metropolis."
"Yes, there've been some accidents. Or attacks. We're not sure, and I thought she'd be safer there."
"That's very noble. You sent her here."
"Yes."
"'Here' meaning not just Metropolis."
"Yes."
"'Here' meaning `the apartment I call "home"'."
"How many quotation marks would that phrase use?"
"Lex!"
"It's not really an apartment. And besides, you've said any number of times that it's my home, too."
"Are you punishing me for something?"
"Is she around? I'll say hi."
"She's out shopping. With my maid. You're letting her stay here?"
"Where else would you suggest?"
"One of the seedier hotels in the Suicide Slums would've been great."
"It's just for a few days. Besides, she can't get up to much; Dad's off in Japan, and you're hardly a mine of information when it comes to LuthorCorp."
"You are punishing me for something."
"Yes."
"What did I do?"
"Two guesses."
"The mural? You said it was okay!"
"I said okay to a mural, not to a full-scale war on my sanity."
"I gave him specific instructions only to work when you were out of the house."
"Yes. And he manages to not work when I'm in the house admirably. But his presence lingers. As does the scaffolding. And the paints. And the drop cloths."
"He's been there for, like, a day."
"It seems longer."
"And he's the best painter in Italy. The best one who's alive, anyway. He's very expensive. So you're going to say `Thank you very much' to your Christmas present, and take Victoria away from here immediately."
"You should take her out tonight. Show her some of the sights."
"God, you're mean. What's the matter with you?"
"You caught me at kind of a bad moment."
"Meaning what? Since Victoria's here, and I doubt Clark could've succumbed to your charms that fast--"
"I resent all those implications." Silence. "I just came back from the cottage."
"What happened? Are Frank and Sarah all right?"
"They're fine. Amy--you remember Amy?"
"The... daughter. Right. The one with the crush on you?"
"She went overboard on the crush. Seems she's been keeping a shrine of some sort. Of me."
"Phft. A shrine devoted to you?"
"What? It's not out of the realms of possibility. I'm a charismatic guy."
"Uh-huh. Okay. So... what?"
"So they're going back to Metropolis. Getting her some psychiatric care."
"Yes, having a crush on Lex Luthor is a definite indication of lost marbles."
"Just because--"
"Relax, I didn't mean it like that. She's really that far gone?"
"She tried to drown Victoria, vandalized her room, and stole Mom's watch."
"Well, I was with her right up to the last thing, but whatever. Are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah. I'll feel better once they go, though. You'll take Frank and Sarah back, right?"
"Since I'm apparently in charge of the household these days, yes I will. I miss Sarah's hot chocolate."
"Trust you to make a decision gastronomically."
"It's a better thinking organ than some organs that I could mention."
"But you won't."
"But I won't. Anyway, the guy'll be done in a few days."
"You haven't even told me what the picture's going to be."
"It's going to cover up that awful cheapo reproduction Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse thing."
"Yes."
"So just think of whatever's going to be there as an improvement."
"Well, then thank you very much. Hey, I've got to go. They're going to leave in a minute."
"Okay. Tell them not to worry about their jobs."
"I'll be sure to do that. Bye."
"Bye."
*
"Hello?"
"So Jeff is on his way up, too."
"Jeff? Who's--oh, right. The big brother. Why wouldn't he come up with everybody else?"
"Turns out he wanted to kill me, first."
"Another homicidal teenager? What the hell do they put in the water down there?"
"I'm running tests. Trust me."
"If I can tell you what happened next, will you give me a thousand dollars?"
"No, because it's obvious that Clark saved my life."
"DAMMIT. I really wanted the thousand dollars, too."
"You want a thousand dollars? What has your allowance gotten up to, anyway? About ten thousand a month?"
"Don't exaggerate. Seven thousand. And most of it goes to charity, anyway, so don't get all cond...escending on me."
"You almost said `condensating' again, didn't you."
"Shut up. God. Why do I even call you?"
"I actually called you, this time."
"Oh. So what happened? Why the hell did Jeff try to kill you? And how did Clark figure in this time?"
"I think he... he just snapped. He was ranting about how we always treated him and his sister like they were invisible--which, incidentally, he was--and that everything had been fine until I'd sent Amy away."
"Ooh. Sounds like Jeff was a little too close to Amy. So is he going to the same psych ward, or are you going to throw him in jail?"
"No--therapy's probably a worse punishment, in the end. Besides, it's not like it was personal."
"Attempted murder isn't personal?"
"I meant... I meant that he didn't care if I lived or died. He just wanted his family back."
"Huh. Strange way of going about it. So, back up there for a minute. He was *invisible*?"
"I thought I might be able to sneak that one by you?"
"Not a chance."
"Yeah. I couldn't see him."
"And we'll overlook the fact that it was nighttime, and maybe the room was dark."
"No--he was... okay, maybe it was dark, but there was no way I'd miss him. It's been clear for a few days here, and the moon's half-full. Bright enough to see, but I couldn't see him."
"Uh-huh. And so how did Clark get him?"
"I'm not sure. I was knocked out."
"Wow. You got beaten up by *Jeff*? He's the girliest guy I've ever met."
"Apparently lunacy lends a certain strength."
"As does invisibility. So did Clark mention anything about this invisibility thing?"
"Not really."
"Huh. So you're the only one who's convinced that Jeff was invisible."
"I saw it!"
"Or rather, didn't see it."
"He ran into the scaffolding and now the paint is leaking into the carpet."
"Have Enrique clean it up."
"I gave him the night off. He was looking a little unnerved when Amy and her parents left."
"Probably wondering if you'll ship him off next."
"As far as I know, he doesn't have a shrine devoted to me."
"He might have one devoted to me."
"Enrique strikes you as that type?"
"The shrine type?"
"The straight type."
"Oh. Good point. Maybe he has a shrine to Dad."
Silence.
Laughter.