Frozen Heart
A H/L vignette – from Leia's POV.
Time Period: Just after ESB.
Genre: Drama.
Summary: Leia's reflections about her loss.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. Those characters aren't mine and I did write this fic for fun only and was not an attempt to make money or infringe on any copyrights or trademarks. The original ideas contained within this work are the property of its author, and please do not copy or link this story to any other website or use all original ideas without permission of the author.
Rating: PG-13
NOTE: I'd like to thank Julie for her wonderful beta work. Thanks a lot.
Han. Han is gone and I feel dead.
He's not dead, just gone. At least that is what Calrissian said. A friend, indeed!! I think bitterly.
A man that called himself Han's friend, and who has finally betrayed him – betrayed all of us. He has handed us over to Vader and this bounty hunter, Boba Fett. Of course, he helped us to escape from Bespin, and to save Luke from this weather vane, but still, Han isn't with us right now.
I understand he couldn't disobey this monster's orders. Nevertheless, I can't help thinking that he is entirely responsible for what happened. Even if he didn't have a choice.
Han is gone. My love, my soul, all I had and cherished once, is gone.
I have lost everything.
First Alderaan, then my father and my friends, and now Han - my life.
I have lost them all. I failed them all! I repeat to myself.
After Alderaan, I had never thought I would be able to love again. Then along came Han – Han, my beloved scoundrel, my knight in shining armour. Han is the only man who has ever been able to make me smile or laugh even in the worst situations. He has never put me on a pedestal nor worshiped me, unlike most of the young Rebel soldiers. I've come to love him for it, because he has always refused to see me as a princess or a lady, but simply as a woman. At first I was angry with him for showing such a disrespect for my title and rank. Yet, the more he persisted, the more I enjoyed it. But I would have been damned then if I had told him this very thought. It was out of the question for me to feed his ego – which was so big, I often wondered how he could pass through a door.
In spite of his being infuriating, Han has had – and always will have – a golden heart. When I needed someone to speak to, he was there. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, again, he was there. He has always found the right words to comfort me or to force me to go on and face whatever Fate had in store for me. It was as if he knew when I needed his reassuring presence. Sometimes I even wondered if he didn't read my mind. He was always comforting me the way I needed, telling me the right words, or just holding me quietly.
I should have thanked him for it, before it was too late, before Bespin and the meeting with his treacherous so-called friend.
Thanks to him, I have learned how to be a woman, how to be myself. I felt alive with him, he made me feel beautiful. I had been able to bear suitors or senators who were interested in something other than myself. Contrary to what I had thought, I have been unable to resist Han Solo's devilish charm. He certainly knew how attractive he was and how to use this power on women. During the past few years, I have desperately tried not to take the bait, but I have been unsuccessful. I took the bait and I fell into his trap. He has led me to his bed and then to nirvana, awakening parts of my body I never knew existed before, making me feel wonderfully alive.
He has taught me how to be selfish, how to be myself and to stop acting like the Ice Princess. Han has always been there for me, during difficult times or when I had weaknesses, especially the nightmares I have.
When I look back to each moment we were together, even all those arguments, I can't see anything but love. We argued with each other continually, but there were looks that betrayed our feelings, hidden feelings of a passionate love. Because of our stupid pride, we wasted such a long time before admitting our feelings out loud.
Only now do I realize what he did for me. Only now, he is gone.
He has taught me that I have to live and that I have to take a risk again – even if I could lose all that I have.
And now, in the Millenium Falcon , in his seat, enroute to the rendezvous point with the fleet, I'm fully aware of what I did: I took a risk, and I lost – again. Yet, in spite of my loss, I realize that I've won something, something precious that I'll cherish until the end of my life, or at least until I manage to get Han back. I have won love. And during that short time – the trip to Bespin – I, Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, was wealthier than the Emperor himself.
My cheeks are wet. During my meditations, I was unconsciously crying. But I won't cry, I can't cry. I have to be strong. Suddenly, I'm glad of being alone in the cockpit. Chewie would have understood, but it was out of the question for Lando to see me this way. Moreover, I'm not sure I would have been able to bear their sympathetic looks.
I failed them all. This dreadful thought comes back as strong as before. They're all dead because of me, because of my stubbornness. If only I had been able to –
Stop it Organa. Stop it immediately, I admonish myself.
Ohh, Han, why did you leave me? While I need you and your strength. Your ability to make me smile or even laugh. You've been the only one to ever be able to do such a thing to me. No one had ever been able to make me feel happy or to make me strong enough. Not the way you did at least, I mourn. This time, my tears flow freely.
I, the normally flippant leader, have been transformed in a pool of hormones and emotions because of a Corellian scoundrel, who has stolen my heart. And to think I had been so reluctant to fall under his charm. How couldn't I? His cocky, lopsided, sexy grin, his strong arms, his caring golden heart beneath his mercenary demeanour...
I love you, Han!!
I know, sweetheart. Please, don't cry my loss. You have to go on, Princess. Just go on.
I swear I heard him. Or maybe it was me. I'm becoming insane. And sitting in his seat isn't helping at all.
You have to go on.
I won't be able to love again, because I know, deep inside of me, that without Han around, no one will be there to force me to go on and to face the events whatever they are.
I belong to the kind of people who give their hearts once, wholly, and who can't give them again. No one could ever take his place.
I can't manage without you, my love. I can't fall in love again. No one would be able to make me feel alive the way you did. Just a look of your intense hazel eyes and I felt butterflies flying away in my belly.
I have lost my heart to you, Han, and I can't live without it. For now, I can't do anything without a heart but try to survive and hope that one day I'll see you again my love, my soul, my life.
I feel dead without my heart. I feel myself slowly dying since I lost you.
My heart is frozen alongside Han in that block of carbonite. And I know I shall never have it back until I have freed him.
FIN.
Please Review. This is my second story and I'd like to know what you think.
Coming next : Han's thoughts about his relationship with a beautiful Alderaani Princess.