Title – Feeling Safe

Author name - Carol

Rating - PG

Spoilers – nothing

Disclaimer – I don't own JAG or the people who own the song. However, if I could own one of them....I want Joe Don.

Summery – Scared to death, but dancing with hope.

Author's Notes – I'm giving you two and two at the end.

1. You might need a Kleenex Warning here.

2. Told from first person POV of Harm and Mac's 16-year-old daughter.

I'm scared. Never in a million years would I have thought I would say those words. But I am. I'm scared that something is wrong with me. Something that my parents can't fix. They've tried. They have, but nothing has worked. Last week Mom finally took me to the doctor. It's just a bruise. I don't know why she's so scared. I got the bruise three weeks ago when Matt and I were playing ball in the backyard. He threw the ball too far and it went over my head. I ran to catch it, but didn't see the rake. I tripped over the rake and got the bruise on my arm. It didn't swell up, it just bleed for a while....longer then usual.

For the past few months I've been bruising pretty easy. I don't know why. I take my vitamins and eat my veggies like Dad tells me to. I'm healthy, right? I don't have a cold, but Mom just wants to be safe.

Last week Dr. Thompson took some blood and ran some test. He called Mom yesterday and here we are.

"What time is it, Mom?" I ask.

"3:45, Honey." Mom answers. I love the fact she can tell time without looking at her watch.

"I thought the appointment was at 3:15."

"It was. He's running behind schedule," Dad tells me. He's trying to be calm, but I can sense the fear in his voice. The last time I heard it was when AJ Roberts told his parents he was being shipped off to Russia to help patrol. We send him and his buddies packages every month from school.

"Okay," I sigh, before I re-flip through the People magazine in my hands. Why is it that doctor appointment run late and they have really old magazines? Guess it's one of life's unanswered questions.

The door that leads to the examination rooms opens up. Nurse Pierce walks out and smiles at me. "Danielle, we're ready for you."

Mom, Dad, and I stand up and walk through the door and into the exam room.

Sarah Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruise, it just won't go away
So she sits and see waits with her mother and dad
and flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile
Stands at the door
And says will you please come with me

I hate this. Dr. Thompson told me I'm sick. But I don't feel sick. Mom's trying to hold back her tears and Dad is holding my hand too tight. I'm scared. More than I was before. What's wrong with me? What does this mean? Red cells and white cells, an abnormal count. More test were ran and they showed a significant difference. I wish he would stop speaking 'doctor' and start speaking English.

Sarah Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

I'm only 16. I'm too young to have cancer. People die from cancer. Am I going to die?

He said there's a new drug they can give me. It's the best on the market, but he still wants me to take the normal-regular therapy. I've heard of chemo and radiation treatments. You lose your hair and you're tired all the time.

He says they caught it in time. Caught it in time? What does that mean? Does it mean if Mom took me to see him next month, it would have been too late? I don't get it. What did I do?

He's looking at me now. Why? What am I to say? That this is alright. Well, it's not! I don't want to die and I don't want to lose my hair.

Six chances in ten it won't come back again
With the therapy were gonna try
It's just been approved
It's the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time

I've been in my room for the past few hours since we got home. Mom and Dad asked me if I was okay. I lied and said 'sure.' I'm sitting here now in my room thinking about everything. Dr. Thompson explained things more to me and gave me some material to read. He said that since I'm a smart kid, I should know what's going on.

I throw the pamphlets across the room and throw myself onto my bed and let the tears flow. It's not fair. It's just not fair

I don't know how long I cried and I don't know why. My pillow is soaked and my eyes are all cried out. Dr. Thompson said they could fix me. And they will. I'm half Marine and Navy. I'm unbeatable. Right?

I look at the picture of me and Dad and close my eyes. When I was about five he would get home from work and we would dance. He would pick me up in his arms and hold me against his chest. He would sing softly to me and move in the kitchen when Mom cooked dinner. Or even better was when I was eight and I would dance on his feet. He never complained. He kept me safe in his arms.

My long dark hair would more around me. I would twirl in the kitchen and Mom would laugh that Dad never dances with her. Dad would just grin.

I miss those days. I miss feeling safe.

I'm scared.

Sarah Beth closes her eyes
She dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair

2 months later

"It's not fair, Mom." I cry into her arms.

"I know, Honey," Mom holds me tighter and I can feel her tears on my head. On my big bald head.

For the past few weeks every morning when I woke up there have been more hairs on my pillow. I'm ugly. It's not fair. Mom, Dad, and Dr. Thompson told me to expect it. But I didn't want to. I don't want to be bald.

Today was just the kicker. I can't take it anymore. Jimmy Roberts sent me an e-mail three weeks ago. He said he would be in town for my prom. He always has been there for me. The day he left he promised to come home to take me. All of my friends would be jealous because my date would be in uniform. Prom is tonight and I don't want to go.

"I don't want to go, Mom."

"Sweetie, don't let this hold you back."

I lift up my head and look at my Mom's tear stained face. "Jimmy doesn't want to go with me."

"Yes, he does. His e-mail told you that three weeks ago." Mom soothes her hand across my back. "He wants to come. He's already called twice this morning to know if you would like roses or a nice orchid to wear with your dress."

"Why does he still want to go with me?"

Mom gives me her smile that always make me know everything will be alright. "Because he cares about you. Just like we all do."

Sarah Beth is scared to death
She sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

Mom left my room about ten minutes ago. I'm holding my hair in my hands. Right after I started my treatments I cut off my hair. I figured if it was shorter there would be less hair to fall out. It was down to the middle of my back. Mom read in one of her magazines about this organization that collects cut hair and makes wigs out of it for cancer patients. Wigs for people like me.

When Mom and I came home from the hair salon, Dad said I looked gorgeous. His exact words were, 'you look just like your mother when we first meet.'

I stare at my reflection. The skin on the top of my head is kind-of smooth. I guess I could put lotion on it and make it shinny, like Uncle AJ's. I laugh. Uncle AJ's been my bald companion. He's helped me see that it is okay. He also got me this really pretty scarf to wear when I go to school.

Mom bought me one to go with my prom dress, but I don't know if I'm going to wear it.

For, just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny

I look over my shoulder and can see my dress hanging in my closet. It's a light pink chiffon and silk. It cost way too much, but Dad said I could get it. I've been a trooper in the past few months and deserve something nice. Mom and Dad have been spoiling me and Matt, but we're not complaining.

I stand up and walk to the dress. I pull it off the hanger and hold it to my body. It fits me pretty nice. Mom said I looked like an angel when she made me model it for her after Dad and I bought it.

Jimmy's only two years older then me. When we were kids he once saw Dad dancing with me and asked me to dance. He was the first boy to ever dance with me. He's the first boy to ever see me as a girl and not as a ball player. Or as the girl with cancer, like I am now.

Sarah Beth closes her eyes
She dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love was holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair

I look out my window and I can see Jimmy pull up in his Mustang. He's wearing his cap, like any good Marine. I have to laugh, he and his bother are 100 Navy and they both joined the Marines. Mom's always loved that about her godsons. Of course there is still hope Kelly and Cassie will join the Navy, but it's not looking that way.

"Danielle, Jimmy's here," Mom calls up the stairs.

I look at myself one more time in the mirror. My dress, jewelry, and shoes are on and in place. "Coming." I take a deep breath and make it down the stairs. One at a time. Please don't fall Danielle Elizabeth Rabb. You can do this.

As I reach the bottom step as Jimmy walks into the house. His uniform looks great on him. He smiles to Dad and gives Mom a kiss on the cheek. Then he looks at me.

"You look....you look breathtaking, Danielle," Jimmy sincerely says.

I can feel the emotion in his voice. He's just not saying it. He takes a step closer to me and hands me a small white box.

"I hope you like it," he shyly says.

I smile and open the box. Three pink and white roses look back at me. "They're perfect."

"I got you something else," Jimmy says.

"Jimmy," I state.

Jimmy doesn't say anything. He just takes off his cap and smiles down at me.

I didn't know what to do. I just started to cry, just like my Mom and Dad. There are times I can't believe Jimmy is my best friend. He shows it in e-mails. He shows it in gifts. He showed it when I was nine and he lied to my parents about how I broke my arm.

But this. But this is just Jimmy. I reach my hand to his face. I feel the soft skin of his cheek and then run it across the top of his head. I've never feel anything I like this before. Just skin. Just his skin, yesterday it was covered with his trim blond locks. But today his head is just like mine.

"Hope you don't mind," his voice says, but I'm still in shock.

I lean forward and wrap him into a hug. "You're the best, Jimmy Roberts. The best." I kiss his cheek and close my eyes.

I feel Jimmy chuckle as he whispers, "No, you're the best Danielle."

It's quarter to seven
That boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly, she touches just skin

"Tired?" Jimmy whispers in my ear.

"Not at all," I say as we sway in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by my classmates.

Jimmy holds me tighter. I can feel him. I can feel the love I have for him. I can feel the hope he gives me. I can feel. I feel safe for the first time in a long time. I feel safe.

They go dancing around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
For a moment she wasn't scared...

THE END

1. The song is Skin by Rascal Flatts. It's a hidden track on their new CD.

2. I heard this song and just listened to it and this hit me. I was going to wait, but I got an e-mail from a friend who is going through some tough times. I don't know if this is going to take away some of her pain, but at least she knows I'm thinking about her. "You said my writing puts a smile on your face and so you know yours does the same to me. I'm thinking of your family and hoping for you. - Smiles and Hugs - Carol."