Harry sat in his room watching his snitch go around in circles. He had been very tempted to take Cho up on her offer to have a few quidditch races but Harry just couldn't get the energy to get up and leave the room. He hadn't had anymore dreams from Voldemort or any dream dates from Jenny. Harry reckoned he had thoroughly pissed her off. Part of Harry felt a dull pain from that but the other part didn't care. No one seemed to care about him so why should he care about them? Harry picked up his wand and summoned over a his photo album. He had been looking at it a lot recently. Not because he wanted to see his friends but because recently he had been really missing his parents. The hole in his heart where his parents were meant to fill had started to open a fresh and all Harry wanted to do was to crawl up in the arms of his mum, like he was a young boy again. He wanted to be like a young child, have the childhood he had never had but obviously he wasn't going to do that. He was seventeen and he was wishing he was seven. He opened up the front page and looked at a picture of his parents. He just stared at it, studying his parent's faces, the colours of their hair the lines of their bodies. He wanted to know how they had smelled, what their thoughts had been, he wanted to know if they would have been good parents.
Harry felt a tear roll down his cheek and drop onto the page he was looking at, narrowly missing the photo. He snapped the book shut and threw it on the floor. Why was he crying? Harry wiped his eyes with his sleeve as the tears began to flow freely. STOP CRYING! Harry screamed inside his head.
"STOP IT!" He shouted angrily. He pulled up his knees and crossed his arms over them. He pressed his face against his arms. "Stop it!" He said slightly weaker. Harry cried for a few more moments when there was a knock at the door.
"Go away." Harry shouted.
"Are you ok?" April asked from outside. Harry looked up at the door and saw his Godmother opening it. She looked at Harry and closed the door again behind her as she walked in.
"I said go away." Harry said as he wiped his tears away angrily. He got to his feet and paced the room. April stood and watched him patiently.
"I won't go away Harry, no matter how much you want me to. Nothing will go away, none of this." April said.
"Why can't it? Why can't I be a normal teenager with parents and friends who don't think I'm an idiot or a girlfriend who will just accept that I don't want to talk about my feelings? Why do I have to be missed up in all this!" Harry shouted angrily as he sat down roughly at the edge of his bed. April sighed and put a silencing charm on the room so that no one outside the room could hear them.
"I know it's not easy." April said to Harry, "And I know you didn't chose this path but you have to follow it." April said sitting down next to Harry. Harry wiped away a few more tears and chuckled slightly.
"You sound a bit like Dumbledore." Harry said. April smiled sadly.
"He did ask me to take his place if he died." April said.
"As Headmaster?" Harry asked.
"As your mentor." April told Harry. Harry nodded and stared at his messy floor. "Harry, you know that I am here to talk to, even if I am the minister of Magic and head auror, I am primarily your godmother." Harry nodded and let out a sob as he felt the pain of not having a family, of having to be the one to do everything, the pressure that he was under from everyone he knew. Harry broke down into sobs and April hugged him tightly like a mother should. Harry let her hold him, he needed the hug and he needed a mother. Who cared if he was seventeen?
"I don't know what to do." Harry cried, "Jenny, Hermione and Ron are angry with me, you're upset with me. Sirius is disappointed, the world wants me to become a murderer and Voldemort wants me to turn to his side." April took this in and frowned at the last one.
"Just let it out." April said, "There's no point keeping it bottled in. I learnt that the hard way." April said. Harry held onto April, one of his only links to his mother. Harry's body shook with grief and anger and hurt as all the feelings he had kept bottled up for at least the last four years came pouring out in his tears. He told April everything without meaning to. How he felt about Dumbledore's death, about having to face one of the most powerful dark wizards of all time, about Jenny and his friends. April just sat and listened and held Harry like he was a young vulnerable boy.
"And, now they're angry with me and everyone is pulling me in so many different directions, people just expect me to be happy or to be active when I have all this weight on my shoulders?" Harry asked as his sobs finally subsided. April let go of Harry and he looked at his godmother. April sighed
"Did you say that Voldemort asked you to join his side?" April asked. Harry nodded.
"A few nights ago he came to me in my dream and told me that if I didn't hand myself over or join him he'd kill my friends. He also told me what you've been telling me for a while, to distance myself from them. I suppose I should do that at least if the good and evil sides are suggesting it." Harry muttered.
"Harry, don't push your friends away, you need them with you." April said. "A life without friends or family isn't fun, I know that but when you have them don't push them away. Again I learn that the hard way as well." April said.
"How?" Harry asked. April looked at him sadly.
"I think I've told you this before but when your parents died and Sirius got sent to prison, Remus was missing and Peter was thought to be dead. I didn't have anyone either, my parents were dead, my sister couldn't contact me. When Remus came back I didn't want to speak to him because he represented all the things I loved and all the things I had lost. Then came Lily Jenny Marsden. She had my friends names and Sirius' eyes. I know I did name her myself and it probably wasn't the best of things to do because I wasn't quite right in the head at the time. After her birth I was put into St. Mungos for a while because the healers thought I was going slightly mad. Fortunately that only lasted a few months and I was let out again but I still tried to push Remus and Lee away. Then as Jenny grew up as much as I loved her she still reminded me of the people I loved and lost. That's one of my biggest regrets, not spending as much time with my daughter as I should have. Harry, don't push people away because you don't think they'll understand you. Have you tried just talking?" April asked.
"Most of my friends don't seem to want to listen."
"That's a lie, I know that Katie, Cho and Pavarti are more then willing to help you. You are their friends, Jenny loves you and so does Ginny, Hermione and Ron." April said. Harry smirked.
"Have you ever noticed how many female friends I have?" He asked lightly. April smiled.
"You do have a thing for attracting the girls like your father did." April said, "It's a good job you don't act like him though or you'd be breaking hearts all over the place." April smiled. Harry smiled as well and looked at April.
"Thanks." Harry said. April gave her godson another hug.
"It's what I'm here for Harry. If your real mother can't be here I'm here in her place. Oh, and if you want to continue Auror training you can. I haven't officially filed your resignation." April said, "Do you want to continue?" April asked hopefully. Harry shook his head.
"Not now. I need time to clear my head and think things through, maybe another time though." April nodded understandably and stood up.
"Do you want to come downstairs for a while?" April asked. "We've missed your company." Harry shook his head.
"I'll stay up here." Harry told April. She nodded, "April." April turned to look at Harry, "Could I start Occlumency again? I don't like Voldemort and Jenny getting into my head when they feel like it."
"Jenny?" April asked enquiringly. Harry felt a slight sense of panic rise in him
"You know, because she's a legillimen." Harry said quickly. April nodded sceptically.
"I'll see you tomorrow about the Occlumency, I'm very busy and I might have to get someone else to teach you-"
"I don't want someone else." Harry said, "I want you to teach me." He sounded so sincere April couldn't say no to his request. She looked at Harry for a moment and nodded.
"Ok, I'll teach you but only if you start brushing up on defensive magic. You'll never know if you need it." April said. Harry nodded. April left the room and closed the door behind her. Harry felt so much better like a weight had been lifted from his chest and he could breath a lot easier. Of course he still held all the weight of the world on his shoulders but now that he'd told someone he just felt like he had a lot more freedom. Harry summoned his photo album again and flipped through the pages until his gaze settled on a photo of him, Ron, Ginny, Hermione and Jenny. He smiled and looked around his room. He was going to take April's advice though not too seriously. He still felt like sulking but he had issues to resolve with his friends and he should get them out of the way quickly. Letters could only do so much so Harry reckoned he should do it in person. The first person he had to win over was Jenny, she could be a bit difficult, then there was Ron but he would be easy once Hermione was talking to Harry again. Harry frowned again and sat back on his bed. How was he going to resolve things with Hermione? What had the argument been about in the first place? Harry flopped back down onto his bed and pressed his hands against his forehead.
"This is so stupid!" Harry said to himself. He needed to think of a way to win back all the support he had lost and to stop the world from being taken over by Voldemort. The weight that had just been lifted crashed back down on Harry again, this time without the emotional baggage of not having family. He had that, April was his family, Sirius was his family and as much as he had probably tried to forget it in his denial of the world, he had a blood sister, who had grown to love him and who he himself had grown to love. Harry rolled over and pulled the duvet over his head. It was him against the world again. Harry punched the pillow his head was lying on and he let out a muffled scream. There was too much to do and Harry could feel the clocks ticking away the time between now and the moment he had to choose. Harry sat up in his bed, he needed to see Jenny. He didn't know why but he had the sudden urge, want and desire to see his girlfriend again. He had been neglecting her a bit recently. He got up and picked up his cloak and his map off the floor, where the rest of Harry's things seemed to be. Harry hadn't let Kreacher, Castra or Shoner into his room, maybe he should, there was a strange smell coming from somewhere, Harry had a feeling that the supply of dungbombs the Weasley twins had sent him had accidentally set themselves off. Harry apparated out of the room and reached the tunnel that led to Hogwarts. He ran down it and animated his map as he got nearer the castle.