"Good morning."

"Murplg."

"You look somewhat the worse for wear."

"Mphuf. Ahem. That's because this bald freak dressed like Captain Picard chased me around the house with a fake phaser, wrestled me to the ground, and sat on me last night while singing the theme song to 'Star Trek' and tickling me until I nearly threw up."

"Golly."

"Then he threw me in the pool."

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, you're gonna be sorrier when I wake up and figure out a way to punish you."

"What do you want to do today besides that?"

"I have to go to the library."

"Ow! What?"

"Hee hee!"

"Pass me a damn napkin, would you?"

"Heh. God seems to be punishing you, maybe I don't need to get involved."

"Napkin, please?"

"Here. I'll bet that hurt."

"Well, it's not McDonalds's coffee temperature, but… What did you say?"

"I said, I have to go to the library. Stop laughing like that, God! I have to get a book for my class report. It's due tomorrow."

"And you can't just have it flown in by courier?"

"I don't need to have it flown in by courier, it's available at the Smallville Library, and it won't kill me to not pay an outrageous amount for something."

"It might."

"Shut up. Do you have a library card I can borrow?"

"Do I look like I have a library card?"

"You look like you have a stain on your pants."

"I don't have a library card."

"But you do have a stain on your pants. Get yourself cleaned up."

"How did I get roped into this?"

"What's the big deal? You go to the Beanery, you go to the movie theater, it won't kill you to go the library."

"I patronize the small businesses in order—"

"To be patronizing?"

"It's good for my image."

"And this'll be faboo for your image. Come on, I can't get a library card without you. I don't live here."

Silence. "Fine. Give me a few minutes."

*

"You are so shameless."

"What?"

"You were flirting with the desk girl."

"I wasn't flirting with the desk girl."

"Okay, then you were flirting with the desk."

"'Flirting with the desk'?"

"You have a thing with inanimate objects."

"A 'thing'?"

"You're doing that shtick where you just repeat what I say in a snide tone of voice."

"Well, I'm trying to figure out how to get this computer terminal in bed, so I'm a little distracted from your witty repartee. Seriously, what 'thing' are you talking about?"

"So you're saying you don't do it on purpose."

"Do what?"

"You're, like, the poster-boy for Tynant bottles and you don't think you have a thing?"

"What—this conversation has gone from strange to incomprehensible in under twenty seconds. Which may be a new record for you."

"Okay, whenever you're talking to somebody you're interested in, or you want to intimidate, or… actually, pretty much everyone you talk to, you do this weird thing, where you, like, fondle everything in the room."

"It's weird?"

"Weird for me. I'm sure Clark loves it."

"I'll have to remember that."

"That Clark loves it?"

"That it's weird. So…"

"What?"

"You think the desk was interested?"

"Shut up."

"You're a little harsh for someone who depends on me to check out a library book."

"Yeah, and that sucks, by the way."

"You don't live here, so you don't get a card. It's a cruel, cruel world."

"Tell me about it. Okay. Here we go."

"What's this report on, anyway?"

"Nicodemus. It was one of the first African-American colonies in Kansas. There's one book here that I want to get, I can't remember the name—Coming Home to Nicodemus, Seeing Nicodemus, something like that. It's about a guy who—"

"Comes home?"

"Yeah, pretty much. So, word search, 'Nicodemus,' and… voila. Going Home to Nicodemus, by Daniel Chu. Call number F689.N5 C48, 1994. Available. Let's go."

"Hold on. There's another one, The Nicodemus Diaries. You want to get that one, too?"

"Oh. Uh, sure. What's the call number?"

"PZ7.R2777 Op, 1903."

"PZ?"

"Yeah, why?"

"It's not anywhere near the other book."

"Damn Dewy and his decimal system."

"Come on, let's go find it." Silence. "What are you smiling at?"

"I just rarely see you so studious."

"I'm the poster girl for studiousness and good study habits."

*

"Hello?"

"How goes the studiousness?"

"Mph. I hate school."

"That's reasonable. Everyone hates school. Especially when it's keeping them up until two in the morning."

"It's two in the morning? Augh! I want to die."

"Don't joke about that. There's probably someone out there willing to do the job."

"Well, I'll stay away from shady nightclubs and homicidal preppies, and I should be fine."

"Is Bruce still there?"

"Yeah, he's around, I think. Haven't seen him since I got back."

"You think? You're a terrible hostess."

"I'm the hostess with the mostest. But I've got this project, and it's due… uh. Today. Besides, he's probably practicing his rock-climbing skills on the outside of the building again."

"'Again'?"

"According to Alfred, that's what Master Bruce did all last night. He's either a mental case, or a superhero in training."

"Or both."

"Hey, that's a possibility. Anyway."

"So what have you found out?"

"About Nicodemus? Some stuff. They had a few gospel songs named after them."

"Interesting."

"Yep… huh."

"What?"

"Nothing. Well, I was just… I spent the whole afternoon reading the memoir by Daniel Chu, and now I'm… reading… the other book we got…"

"Lilly." Silence. "Lilly?"

"What? Oh. Yeah, it's kind of weird. I don't think this is about Nicodemus. The town, anyway. There's a lot of… um. Bloodshed."

"Well, pioneer town, a lot of times that happens—"

"No, no, they're talking about a different place, I think. Wait a minute, I'll read the introduction… here. 'The names and specific locations have been changed, to prevent a sensationalist pilgimmage to the sight of this very real event.' Whatever. I guess whatever happened, they decided Nicodemus would be a—what the hell?"

"Don't keep me in suspense, here."

"This is really freakish. It's all about… I think it's about a killer flower."

Silence. "A killer flower?"

"I don't know, they're talking about how people fell under the terrible influence of this flower and went all crazy-like, and then died. Okay, this isn't helpful."

"Not for your report, anyway. Send it back here, I'll check it back in for you."

"I'll bring it back next time I visit."

"I want an excuse to flirt with the drop box."

"Okay, I'll give it to Sarah tommorow. Today. Whatever. Hey, what does Nicodemus mean?"

"Why do you think I know?"

Silence.

"What?"

Silence.

Sigh. "Nicodemus is Greek, from the work nike, meaning victory, and demos, meaning the people. There was also a biblical Nicodemus, who helped entomb Jesus before his resurrection."

Silence.

"I still don't know what makes you think I would have known that."

"Because you're the biggest, brainiest dork in the history of big and brainy dorkdom, and you know everything."

"I do?"

"Yeah. You're UberDork, didn't you know that? The arch-villian to Bruce's alter ego BroodMan."

"The liscensing possibilities are staggering."

"Yeah. I'm pooped. I'm gonna go to bed, get up early and finish this stupid thing later."

"Goodnight, Lilly."

"'Night."

*

"How did the project go?"

"Pretty well. Okay. Not that great. Somebody else did a project on another pioneer town, and she had slides, so…"

"Beaten by superior technology."

"Yeah. Hate it when that happens."

"You want me to bribe the teacher?"

"You never did give me a real birthday present, so sure."

"Anything for my beloved sister."

"It's good to be a princess. Hold on." Silence, muffled sounds. "Hey, Bumps? I've gotta go."

"Family emergency?"

"Don't you wish. No, Bruce and I are going out."

"He's still there?"

"Um. Yes?"

"Is there something going on between the two of you that I should know about?"

"Nope."

"Is there something going on between the two of you that I shouldn't know about?"

"See you later, Bumps."

"You're impossible."

"And you love me for it. See you soon."

"Don't forget to send the books back."

"I already sent them, you should get them in about an hour. Although I'm kind of sad that I'll miss your first encounter with the drop box."

"All these learning experiences, I'm not sure I can handle it."

"It's been a big couple of days for you, even without the torture and hanging upside down and whatnot. Bye."

"Bye."

*Note: All that stuff I said about the town Nicodemus is true; the Internet is a crazy, wonderful place. The book really does exist, and it's not half bad. Check it out of your local library. This concludes your PSA for the week.