Chapter 2 – Grand Theft Cart

"Okay, Dingo. See that horse and cart over there? Go steal it," ordered Gandalf to his small companion.

Dingo looked up at the tall wizard and scowled, "You're going to give us short-, I mean, 'hobbits' a reputation as thieves and burglars if you keep getting me to steal things for you. And besides, why can't you do it? You are the almighty wizard, afterall. Surely you can conjure something out of a hat?"

"Yes, I'm the wizard and you are my trusty side-kick. My job is to manipulate the peoples of Middle Earth by surreptitious means, and your job is to steal that horse and cart and whatever takes my fancy. Now move!" And with that, the wizard shoved the little creature out from the bushes in which they both hid towards the currently unattended horse and small cart.

So Dingo stealthily tripped his way over the intervening tufts of weeds and small rocks. Amazingly, he managed to reach the cart without detection and climbed up its tall (to him) side and slid into the front seat. Looking about at the cart and the attached horse, he said to himself, "How do I start this thing?"

From his hiding place, Gandalf watched on in frustration. Amateur, he thought to himself. "Grab the reins and go 'tchk tchk'!" he shouted quietly - if that's possible.

"Oh, its a manual!" said the hobbit. Dingo grabbed the reins and made the sounds Gandalf suggested. "Tchk tchk," he went. Must be horse-talk for 'engage first gear' or something, he thought. The horse immediately pricked up its ears, brayed like a donkey and shot off into the distance.

Watching from behind, Gandalf laughed evilly to himself. "Good one!" he congratulated himself.

Diminishing into the distance, Dingo could be heard saying, "Stop! Halt! Desist! Disengage forward momentum! Mummy!"

Gandalf stepped out onto the road, smiling. But the smile was quickly wiped from his lips as his stomach churned. "Oh no, not again!" And the wizard ran back into the bushes once more.

Some time later, Gandalf met up with Dingo again. The little hobbit was sitting on the side of the road, rubbing a sore spot on his butt cheek. Gandalf, too, was rubbing his own buttocks. The hobbit said, "Curry got you again?" The wizard nodded. ""Yeah, well I fell off that damn cart! And look! It stopped ten yards after I fell off. Every time I go to get on it again, the horse walks forward. Eventually I gave up."

"I know," said the wizard, "I told him to."

"What?"

But Gandalf didn't answer and just went up to the horse and cart, stepped up onto it and sat himself gingerly onto the seat, lifting the reins.

"You mean the cart is yours?" asked the hobbit incredulously.

"Yep. Good joke, don't you think? I parked the horse here when I went to Mordor. It's a bad area over there and I didn't want any scratches in the paintwork or have some orc bend the aerial. When we came back to it, I thought I'd play a little game on you!"

"Why you little &$#$!"

Gandalf looked shocked at the hobbit. "I didn't know you knew the Mordor Black Speech!"

"You're a (&(&$$!" insisted the hobbit.

"A what?" asked the wizard.

"A damn (&$! with a &$$# in your &!" he said for good measure.

"Yeah? Yo momma..." retorted Gandalf in street fashion.

"I'll 'yo momma' you right up the &##$#!" threatened Dingo.

"Promises, promises," laughed Gandalf. "You getting in or what?"

Muttering under his breath, Dingo scrambled onto the cart again and sat sullenly beside the wizard. Gandalf clucked his tongue and the horse walked forward down the narrow path. The hobbit didn't utter another word for a long time. Only when the cart was jostled as it ran over a small fallen branch did he and Gandalf both say in unison:

"Ouch!"