Stray

"Hewwo?"

"Lilly?"

"Hi." Sneeze.

"Hi, yourself."

"I'be sig."

"You certainly are."

"I don' unnerstand! I was fine yedderday, and now, I'be a big ball of snod."

"Snot?"

"Yeah." Honk. "Wassub?"

"Um. Nothing. I wondered how you were."

"I'be dyig. You don' habe a sister, you habe a hollow shell of illness an… an… an sickocidy."

"I thought you said you were a big ball of snod."

"Shuddub. Whuddy you wan'?"

"Nothing much, just to say 'hi'."

Sneeze. "Hi."

"Dad just offered me…"

"Duh ding?"

"The thing?"

"Yeah. Dat you wanned. Duh Speshuw Advider Poddidion?"

"Emeritus. Yes. He did."

"Ad you musd be dumping ub ad dowd wid eddidmen'."

"I think I am. What?"

"Go away. I'be dyig. Caw be whed I'be nod dead."

"I'll talk to you this weekend. I have to go, anyway."

"Meedig wid duh beeble?"

"I think so."

"Biddy biddy biddy."

"…Yes."

"Dat's spelled B-U-ef-Y."

"Oh."

"You thod I was callig you an owd wady?"

"I didn't take it personally. You should probably get some rest. I'll talk to you later."

"Otay. 'Night."

"Goodnight." Silence. "Lilly?"

Silence.

"Lilly."

Silence.

"Lilly!"

Sneeze. "Whu?"

"Hang up the phone."

"Otay."

Sneeze.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Hi. How are you?"

"Better. Drugs are good. At least my nose isn't clogged anymore, even though I'm sneezing like a banshee."

"I didn't know banshees sneezed."

"Well, wailing outside the house of one who was about to die, you're bound to get wicked bad chest colds." Sneeze. "So, you called last night? Made any decisions?"

"About the position Dad's offering?"

"Yeah. About that. Or about declaring your love for Clark."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"Really, I insist."

"Shut up. Did you make a decision?"

"I… I'm still thinking about it."

"Okay, well, think a little faster. Dad's getting all antsy in the pantsy. I think he wants to announce everything at the dinner, be all 'ooh, I've got a scion and you don't' to his rivals. We were at breakfast this morning, and he kept talking about some Macedonian king, and it was really weird on top of all this medication." Sneeze. "Lex? You still there?"

"Sorry. I'm still back on the phrase 'antsy in the pantsy.'"

"Oh, shut up."

"I'll keep thinking."

"Uh-oh. You're all broody today. What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Something's up."

Silence.

"Come on, enough with the significant pauses."

"Could you allow me to set my own narrative pace? Please?"

"Okay."

"I was talking to Clark last night."

Silence.

"That was remarkably restrained of you."

"I was biting my tongue so hard I think I need stitches." Sneeze. "Okay. So you were talking with Clark last night. Where?"

"At his place. The barn area he staked out, above all the… farming… things. I don't know. Tractors and combines and roto-rooters."

"So. You were talking with Clark, last night, in a barn. What time last night?"

"Shut up."

"I am trying to get a mental picture! God, so censorious."

"Around ten."

"Okay. Resuming the biting of the tongue now."

"Thank you. He wanted to know how I felt, being an only child."

"And you told him about me?"

"I told him about Julian."

"Oh. What did you say about me?"

"I didn't say anything about you."

"Hey!"

"Sorry."

"Sorry? You're telling me you're sorry after renouncing my existence?"

"Well—"

"You little buttmunch."

"Listen, we were talking about this kid—"

"What kid?"

"I'm getting to that. The Kents have been taking care of a kid for the past few days. Apparently Mrs. Kent nearly ran over him on the road, and they're taking care of him for… some reason."

"Okay."

"You sound pissed."

"Duh." Sneeze. "But don't mind me. Okay, So Clark got attatched to the almost-roadkill kid?"

"Who's leaving tomorrow."

"And Clark wigged."

"Succinctly put."

"So you didn't tell him about me, because he was talking about having a little brother, and you just decided not to deal with the whole annoying sister when you could expound on the tragically lost brother."

"I sound a lot better when you're not around."

"I'll bet. Well… huh."

"What?"

"Well, it's just that I never heard of you telling anybody about Julian before."

"I haven't told anyone about Julian before."

"So you and Clark—"

"Shut up."

"No, no! Seriously. I wasn't going to say anything bad. I was just going to say, you know, it seems like he's a friend. Which you haven't had for… ever, and so maybe I should stop messing with you."

"You think?"

"So maybe the next step is to talk about me. Since it's obviously much harder for you to tell people about me than it is about Julian."

"Well, you're the pain that keeps on giving, so—"

"Shut up. Eventually he's gonna find out that you have a little sister hiding out in Metropolis, appearing only at glamorous coffee-shop openings."

"Hmph. Speaking of which, those radioactive cockroaches…"

"What?"

"That you said you were going to put in the Talon."

"Oh. Yeah?"

"You didn't, did you?"

"No. Why? Is it failing?"

"Well, it's not the most successful place I've ever seen."

"Two coffee shops in a farmer town called 'Smallville' is something we call a bad idea."

"Who's 'we'?"

"'We' is everyone who isn't you. Besides, what does Smallville need with one coffee-shop?"

"Oh, but they needed a five-tiered parking lot?"

"You have anger management issues."

"I'm not coming to your family therapy sessions, and you can't make me."

"Hey, if you move here, I could! Wouldn't that be fabulous? We could hold hands, and sing songs, and talk about our empowerment issues."

"Dad has empowerment issues?"

"Not really. I think he's worked them all out by controlling everything in his domain."

"Mmm."

"Except you."

"Mmm."

"So what are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know. I'm coming for the dinner, I'll tell him then."

"Jesus. Can't you just—why does it always have to be a big brouhaha when you come into town? Why can't you just come by, have some coffee, talk about your day, and go away again without all the moody soundtrack music and meaningful gestures?"

"Because we're Luthors."

"Right. Forgot about that. Melodrama is in our blood. Gah." Sneeze. "Fine. I'll tell Dad to write two copies of his dinner speech, one where you're a scion, the other where you're an asshole."

"And maybe one with both."

"No, I'll write that one."

"I'm sure you will."

"In fact, I'm writing it right now."

"See you then."

"Mmph." Sneeze. "Bye."

"Bye."

"Knock knock."

"I never thought anyone actually said that."

"How're you doing?"

"I'm fine. Just a few bruises."

"And a concussion, Tobey said."

"He talks too much."

"'Hi, Lilly. It's great to see you, Lilly. Thank you so much for coming down here, Lilly. I hope you didn't miss a fun dinner, Lilly.' All of these things would be nice for you to say right about now."

"What, all at once? I'd have to say your name quite a bit, wouldn't I?"

"I just booked my ass down here to make sure you were okay, and this is the treatment I get?" Sneeze. "Scoot over."

"You're contagious!"

"And you're annoying!"

"Yeah, and I caught that from you, so God knows what else I might catch."

"Shut up and move over. This place is freezing."

"I have some sweats in the dresser. Besides, that thing doesn't look like it's very crinkle-proof."

"Yeah, no kidding. I left in a hurry. But it's pretty, so… which drawer?"

"Second from the bottom, I think."

"Okay. Hey, who bought you this?"

"What, the sweats?"

"No, the changing screen."

"I have no idea. Me?"

"It's kind of cool. Although I can't imagine how useful it could really be in this room."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm just saying, Big Bro's changin' clothes, probably whoever else is in here will want to watch."

"Lilly. That was disgusting."

"Thank you. I aim to please." Sneeze. "Do you have somewhere to hang this?"

"Sure, just anywhere in the closet."

"Wow. I've never been in here. I feel like I need a piece of string, or some cheese or pebbles or whatever Hansel used."

"Hansel and Gretel. Hey, they were like us."

"Yeah? In what way? How do you turn out the light switch in here?"

"Left. No, other left. Up. There. Older brother, younger sister, dopey father."

"No wicked stepmother, though."

"Not yet."

"You're awfully morose when you've got a concussion, have you noticed that?"

"As a matter of fact, I have."

"So what was your answer going to be?"

"What?"

"For Dad. Tonight."

"Oh. I… I was going to think about it on the drive, but then I got dumped out of my limo and had to think about a few other things."

"Yeah, pavement can really rearrange your priorities that way. They found the guy, by the way. Up by the bowling alley. He shot the owner, shot his wife, and… he's dead."

"There seems to be more to that story."

"Well, in typical Smallville fashion, he got a bowling ball through his stomach."

"What about the kid?"

"Kid?"

"Luka. Is he all right?"

"He's fine. Clark found him hiding out in the bowling alley."

"Congratulations."

"On what?"

"You just said Clark's name without referring to the fact that I should jump him."

"Consider it an unspoken sentiment. Anyway, he's staying at the Kents' place for tonight, and we finally found that aunt in Edge City, so she's coming in on the red-eye to pick him up tomorrow."

"And a happy ending is had by all. Except the abused millionaire."

"Such a sad lot is your life. You look okay, though."

"Better than I feel. Here, take—well, don't take all the pillows."

"I'm taking two! God, it's two pillows and you get all huffy. Besides, I need one to hit you in case you start falling asleep."

"Right."

"Can't sleep with a concussion. I don't know why, but you can't."

"I don't know why, either."

Silence. "This reminds me of when you were freaking out in Metropolis."

"Me, too."

"I think about once a month you'd come home either injured or OD'ing or had alcohol poisoning or something, and I'd always come into your room and watch in case you stopped breathing."

"I never did."

"You never did. That's true. But I always made sure."

"So you came down here so I wouldn't die?"

"Pretty much. Yeah. You got a problem with that?"

"No. I do, however, have a problem with the fact that your feet are near my feet. You put ice cubes in your socks, or what? Get thee to the other side of the mattress."

"Uh-oh. 'Thee' and 'thou' coming into the vocabulary. Your Shakespeare only surfaces when you're really delirious."

"Thou speakest true words, mine sister."

Sneeze.

"God bless you. Have a tissue."

"Thanks. Between my cold medication and your concussion, we're like one normal person and one junkie."

"Concussed junkie."

"The best kind of junkie, I think."

"Me, too."

"Hey! Wake up, come on, Lex. Stay awake."

"Make me."

"Okay."

"Mphlg! Ptui! That was—"

"A used tissue that you just mostly swallowed, yes."

"Out of the bed. You are banished to the armchair."

"Fine." Sneeze. "But I had to make sure you were awake."

"Yeah, awake and now dying of the Ebola virus, or whatever it is that you have."

"I think it's a little less virulent than Ebola."

"Whatever. It's now in my esophagus."

"Sorry. But now you're awake and free to berate me as much as you like."

"I need water. And about a gallon of Listerine."

"I'll have Enrique get some."

"Don't leave. I don't need it that bad."

"Okay. I'm right here, in the chair. Ooh, is this one of those Sharper Image chairs I saw? They're groovy. Hey, it's even got a massager thing! I'm never moving again."

"What if you have to pee?"

"Okay, I'll move to pee, but other than that. Never again. Wooga wooga wooga. This is the greatest thing since sliced bread."

"Better than Gabby?"

"Not such a fan of Gabby. I don't approve of the whole family masseuse thing."

"Really."

"Really. I go to one of those spa thingies. It's fun. You get free cucumber slices and mud."

"Good value for your money."

"Yup." Sneeze. "Hand me a tissue."

"You're going to put it in my ear, or something."

"I'm gonna put it up your butt if you don't give me a tissue right now."

"You're bossy tonight."

"You're concussed tonight. You probably won't even remember I was here tomorrow morning."

"So… this reminds you of before?"

"What? Oh, yeah. A little. I mean—I don't want you to get all guilt-stricken. It's been a long time since you pulled any stuff like that. But… this place is good for you. Except when you're getting attacked by mutant teenagers."

"Or pre-teenagers."

"He didn't actually attack you."

"He was just related to the man who did."

"You're so judgmental."

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"Shut up. And no sleeping."