Chapter 3 – At The Sign Of The Dancing Fairy

A dishevelled piece of string walked into the bar. The bartender asked, "Are you a piece of string?"

The string shook his head and said, "Frayed knot."

(pause for hysteric laughter to die down... perhaps)

(Hang on, let me start again.)

A wizard and a hobbit walked into the bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve their kind in here!"

"Who?" asked the wizard.

"Your droids, they'll have to wait outside," demanded the burly unshaven barkeep.

The hobbit Dingo looked up at Gandalf the wizard, "What's a droid?"

"I have no idea... I think the author is running out of ideas." But Gandalf turned around and yes, indeed, two metallic creatures had followed them into the bar. The tall golden humanoid one said:

"Oh my, he's not a very friendly fellow, is he Artoo?"

His squat companion, half his height and looking more like a garbage can on wheels, whistled and beeped in agreement. "Whistle, beep," he said.

"I couldn't have said it better myself," said Threepio (of course!).

With that, the two droids turned about and left the bar.

The barkeeper asked Gandalf and Dingo, "What can I get your guys?"

Dingo said, "Can I have Typhoid Mary?"

The barkeep looked at him a moment and said, "What's a Typhoid Mary?"

"That's a Bloody Mary in a dirty glass," explained the hobbit.

"We don't serve drinks in dirty glasses," said the barkeeper.

"Why not? You did last week!" came the witty reply of Dingo.

Gandalf smacked the hobbit across the head. "Enough with the stupid jokes. We'll have a pint each," and he threw some coins onto the bar.

Thirty minutes later, the inn keeper returned with their drinks: two warm ales. Yuck! They took them and went to a table at the rear of the bar. Each tasted the beer and managed to keep it down without gagging too much. As they settled in, a young serving girl in a tight white t-shirt and even tighter orange shorts giggled her way to the table. "Welcome to Hooters!" she greeted them.

"Hooters?!" the wizard and hobbit shouted in surprise and obvious delight.

"No, not really," said the girl, who suddenly transformed into a large, ugly woman of about seventy years age. "That'd be the beer talking. I really should get my husband to filter the bigger chunks out of it. A lot of people start 'seeing things' after they drink it."

"Oh..." said the two in equally obvious disappointment.

"Can I get you guys something to eat? We have a nice curry-" she started to offer, but Gandalf visibly blanched, held his mouth and ran for the bathroom. "What's wrong with him?" she asked Dingo.

"No idea," lied Dingo. "He'll have a large serving of curry. Extra spicy." And Dingo laughed to himself as the serving woman walked away. That'll teach him, he thought evilly.

As Dingo sat their alone, sipping his warm ale, the door to the bar opened again and in walked Elrond Half-elven. He approached the hobbit and stood over him imposingly. "Mr Anderson," he said, "We meet at last."

"No, no, I'm Dingo Braggins. You're Elrond, aren't you? I'm a big fan! Can I have your autograph?"

Elrond took off his sunglasses, pulled the earphone from his ear and sighed. "Sure kid, why not." He sat down, dutifully signed Dingo's autograph book and slumped in his chair.

"Thanks, Mr Elrond!"

"No worries, kid." Spying the second beer on the table, Elrond asked, "Where's your friend?"

"He's indisposed, but he should be back shortly." With that, Gandalf re-entered the room and approached the table.

Elrond stood up, put his sunglasses back on and plugged in the earphone. "Mr Anderson. We meet at last!" he said.

"Elrond?" asked Gandalf.

"Gandalf?" replied the half-elf in return. "Long time no see." Elrond took off his glasses again. "I heard you were in town. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Me and Dingo here are en route to get hold of a Ring of Power. Sauron - you remember him, don't you? - told me he gave one to Cirdan the shipwright. I'm going to see if I can't persuade him to give it to me."

Elrond's long pointy ears poinged upwards. Poing!

"A Ring of Power! I wouldn't mind getting one of those!" exclaimed the half-elf. "Any chance I could tag along?"

Gandalf looked at Elrond a moment and said, "Okay, but Cirdan's Ring is mine. You'll have to get your own. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know where you could get another one."

"Yes?" asked Elrond hopefully.

"Sauron had a party recently and invited three elves, some men and dwarves along. You remember his thing for Galadriel?" Elrond nodded his head; everyone knew Sauron had had a crush on Galadriel for decades. "Well, she was invited, of course, but she brought her husband with her!" Elrond and Gandalf laughed together. "I know, I know. I wish I'd been there to see his face!" And Gandalf wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. "Anyway, they all got Rings as presents..."

"So Celeborn's got a Ring?" deduced Elrond.

"Exactly," confirmed the wizard. And the half-elf and wizard laughed again.

Dingo spoke up, "What's so funny?"

Gandalf looked at his small travelling companion. "Celeborn is the biggest loser of all time. He can barely tie his own shoelaces. The best thing he ever did was marry Galadriel. But we know who wears the pants in that family, don't we Elrond!" And the two laughed again, giving each other a high-five.

Looking at the laughing pair, he checked out their clothing. Both were wrapped in robes and wearing sandals. "I think I'm the only one who wears pants in this story," he said.

Just as Gandalf was about to rebuff the hobbit, the serving woman returned with a plate of hot, stinky curry - extra spicy. She placed it on the table in front of Gandalf and it slopped noisily before him. In return, the wizard's stomach churned and he retched involuntarily. Without a word, he put a hand over his mouth and ran to the bathroom once more.

Dingo laughed uproariously

In the confusion, Elrond stood up and approached the serving woman, "Mr Anderson. We meet at last..."

"Nope, wrong person, bud," she said, walking off.

"Oh bugger," cursed Elrond, sitting down again and taking off the sunglasses he'd quickly donned.

Dingo looked at Elrond and asked, "What's up with you and this Anderson guy?"

"Don't ask," he replied.