Hunting High and Low

Part Five – The Masochism Tango

Charles Corday wore a concerned expression as he regarded his daughter over the breakfast table. She looked tired, and her brow was furrowed. To look at her, one would be excused for thinking she bore the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"Are you okay, Elizabeth?" he asked.

She looked up from the bowl of cornflakes she'd been playing with. "I'm fine," she mumbled.

"Are you sure? You don't look it, and you've been very quiet of late." He reached out a hand. Gently tucking her chin up, he made her look at him, and spoke again. "Elizabeth, I'm worried about you."

"Well, there's really no need. I'm fine," she said returning his gaze with as much confidence as she could muster. She offered him a smile she did not feel.

Charles looked into her eyes for a second, before smiling sadly at her. He dropped his hand and nodded, then rose from the table.

"So, how was your friend yesterday?" he asked with forced cheerfulness.

Elizabeth felt colour flood her cheeks, and returned her gaze to the bowl of cereal.

"Good," she mumbled.

"Who was it again?" Charles said. He whipped his jacket from the back of the chair, and donned it.

"No-one you'd remember."

"Oh, I beg to differ there, Elizabeth. I remember all of your female friends; well the pretty ones, anyhow." He chuckled.

Elizabeth attempted to look at her father reproachfully, but gave up instead and smiled. "Well trust me, this one isn't your type." She giggled.

He thought about pursuing the matter, but the genuine smile that came off her caused him to simply beam back at her.

The sound of the doorbell rang out, making them both start.

"That will be the nanny. Are you riding in with me?" Charles said.

Elizabeth nodded and hurriedly spooned the rest of her breakfast into her mouth.

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Six hours into her shift, Elizabeth regretted ever having climbed out of bed. Sleep had evaded her most of last night, and she was now beginning to feel the effects. Her head was pounding something fierce, and her body just wanted to lie down.

"Seven pound sixty, love," said the cashier loudly.

Elizabeth snapped out of her reverie and paid for her sandwich and tea. She turned around and scanned the cafeteria. Finding an empty table by the window she wandered over and claimed it as her own.

Once seated, she sighed heavily. The day had started badly, with that wanker, Mr Innes, singling her out during morning rounds, yet again. For reasons that eluded her, his sole purpose in life seemed to be to crush her spirit and belittle her in front of colleagues. Normally she was prepared, and deflected his sarcastic put downs by parrying with the correct answer - Lord knows she'd had enough practice over the years, thanks to her verbal sparring with Robert. But therein lay the problem - Robert.

He was dominating her thoughts to the point of distraction, and it showed. So it was, she'd been caught daydreaming and hadn't even heard Innes ask his question. It was all the ammunition he'd needed to tear a strip off her, in front of everybody.

With that unfortunate memory fixed firmly in her mind's eye, Elizabeth ripped back the plastic seal on the packet of sandwiches. She lifted out the limp, lacklustre snack and stared at it disapprovingly. Sighing, she placed it on top of the packet, closed her eyes and rested her head in her hands.

How had her life got so complicated, so conflicted? She felt guilt at having been unfaithful to Mark and she felt guilt because she had enjoyed every moment of it. Then she felt bad, because while she missed Mark and his death had left her saddened, it had not left her distraught. Was that because his illness had already prepared her mentally for life without him? Or, was it because he died as her husband, but not her lover? Her lover. That, brought Robert back to the fore, and made her sit up straight. When had she begun thinking of him in those terms, anyway? She leaned back into the chair and took a sip of tea.

Robert. It all came back to him. The passion she had felt with Robert, the chemistry that she had tried to deny ever existed, drew her to him now, like a moth to the light. Yet she was constantly pushing him away, frightened by the intensity of her own feelings. Even though every part of her wanted to run to him, that fear was holding her back. She'd made such a mess of her life, made bad choices, and was terrified of rushing into something and making another mistake.

But would it be a mistake? In just one night, Robert had taught her there were varying degrees of love. As a result, she'd learned the love she'd had for Mark had not been enough; that even if he'd lived, they would not have stayed together. Maybe Robert was right, and she was punishing herself for that. So how long should she let herself suffer? Did she want to feel like this for the rest of her life? Yesterday, she'd had fun for the first time in – well, she couldn't remember. She'd felt – happy.

She missed that feeling and desperately wanted it back. He'd be gone soon, and she would be left here, in this place that she was beginning to hate. Whatever this was, they had to sort it out quickly. He was expecting her to call, and she should; she should be honest with him, and tell him of her fears. He'd know what to say, and he'd be able to help her come to the right decision.

She smiled, feeling better about things, and reached for her sandwich....

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Elizabeth signed off on her last patient, with a nervous smile. She'd arranged for Ella to stay with the nanny, and fobbed her father off, with another lie about seeing a girlfriend. He seemed only too happy, that she was getting out and about. And of course she'd called Robert; they'd arranged to meet at his hotel for dinner. For the first time in her life, she was going to lay herself open, and admit her true feelings.

A voice at her shoulder made her turn around.

"Excuse me. You're Doctor Corday, right?" said a blonde nurse.

"Yes, can I help you?" she asked.

"I hope so. This is a little embarrassing actually. My names Lilly, and I, er, met a colleague of yours the other day. Robert?"

Elizabeth stared at her, not sure what to say to that, so she didn't say anything and nodded her head.

"The thing is, we kinda hit it off, and anyhow, he said he'd give me a call, but he hasn't. So I thought maybe he'd lost my number, and I was wondering - if you had his?" She squirmed.

Elizabeth continued to stare, and tried to stop her mouth from hitting the floor. She couldn't believe it. The fucking little shit. Was he on a mission to shag anything that moved in England? She couldn't believe she'd been about to tell him that she loved him.

"Sooo, do you have a number?" Lilly asked, beginning to wilt under Elizabeth's stare.

Elizabeth attempted to regain her composure. She felt like slapping the woman's face, but reasoned to herself it was hardly Lilly's fault that Robert was a bastard.

Elizabeth glanced around, and then said in a low voice, "Look, I hate to have to tell you this, but -Robert's gay."

Lilly's face fell with disappointment. "Oh, he didn't come across as gay," she said.

Elizabeth smiled apologetically. "Well, he doesn't like to broadcast it. Look, I'm on my way out right now, but trust me Lilly; he's as bent as a nine-bob note. Sorry." She scooped up her belongings, and marched off towards the exit. Once clear of the doors, she flagged down a cab.

"Where to love?" asked the driver

"Milestone Hotel, Kensington please," Elizabeth said and sank back into the seat. She closed her eyes, and replayed that last conversation in her head. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so blind? She felt tears start to sting her eyes, but she'd be damned if she was going to cry over him. Did he think he could make a fool out of her? Well he could bloody well stand-by! This would be one visit, the little turd would not forget in a hurry!

TBC

R&R