Disclaimer : (insert rap music) Guess who's back. Back again. Semdai's back. Tell a friend. Yes, she's back. But she still. Don't own smack. So just just read. And enjoy. Da de da!
The Lord of the Crystal Shard : Take Two
By Semdai Bloodquill
Chapter One:
One Shard To Rule Them All
AlustrialGaladrial - (narrating) The world is changing...
CadderlyElrond - (also narrating) I can feel it in the Earth.
MontolioGandalf - Wait a second! Do we really call this place 'Earth?'
Cadderly - (scratches his invisible head with an invisible hand) That's a good question.
Alustrial - Well, we're not in the Realms anymore, so I guess this IS Earth.
Montolio - Just wondering. Resume. (He fades out, granted that an invisible body CAN fade out)
Alustrial - (continues) I can feel it in the water.
Cadderly - (brags) Well I can SMELL it on the AIR.
JarlaxleSaruman - (pops in) Did you fart?
SemdaiSauron - (drags Jarlaxle backstage)
Alustrial - When did this become a contest?
Cadderly - When you claimed you could feel it in the water.
Jarlaxle - (pops his invisible head in) Feel WHAT in the water? (grins like mad)
(Cadderly and Alustrial throw invisible shoes at Jarlaxle's invisible head)
Cadderly - Go away! It's not your time to appear yet!
Alustrial - Yes, go away, you pervert!
Jarlaxle - (reluctantly retreats backstage) I'll be back!
Alustrial - (resumes) It began with the casting process.
Cadderly - Four parts were given to the light elves, almost immortal, very wise and ultimately the kickass race of the Realms.
Alustrial - Six, to the dwarves, short, bearded people most obsessed with metallic objects.
Cadderly - And seventeen, (grumbles) seventeen parts were given to the drow, evil, Lloth worshipping people who should have been counted as elves but Semdai said no.
Alustrial - In addition, there was also cast two halflings-
Cadderly - Twelve humans-
Alustrial - One Balor-
Cadderly - And various weapons and animals.
Alustrial - For within the privilege of being cast was given the power to influence the flow of time, plot, and setting.
Cadderly - (in awe) Ooh... Very mystical...
Alustrial - Thanks.
Cadderly - (mystical voice) But they had all been deceived.
Jarlaxle - (intrudes again) Not me! (very proud) I knew the whole time!
Cadderly - (very angry) Damnit Jarlaxle! You ruined my big moment! (throws his other invisible shoe at Jarlaxle's still invisible head) Go the hell away!
Jarlaxle - (retreats while laughing triumphantly)
Cadderly - (continues but he has lost his mystic atmosphere) They were all duped, for another person was also cast.
Alustrial - (takes over) In the smoky land of Mordor, in the stuffy Mt. Doom, Semdai BloodquillSauron re-assembled a crystal, and buried it within the flesh of her left hand.
Cadderly - (reclaims his mojo) And into this re-assembled stone she poured her insanity, her trickery, and her lust for Jarlaxle Baenre.
Alustrial - Obviously pleased with her work, the Dark Lady fashioned a poem for herself.
Cadderly - A poem meant to strike fear into the hearts of her enemies.
Alustrial - Four of the fearies, so light of skin.
Cadderly - Six of the dwarves at their forges of stone.
Alustrial - Seventeen of the drow, who relish their sin.
Cadderly - All power to Semdai on her gothic throne.
Alustrial - The one shard to rule them all.
Cadderly - The one shard to find them.
Alustrial - This one shard to bring them all.
Jarlaxle - (yet again) And under Semdai bind them!
(Cadderly becomes fed up with Jarlaxle's interruptions and tries to chase him away. Unfortunately the drow is still invisible, and Cadderly ends up hitting a wall)
Cadderly - (now furious) Daenir Damn You, Jarlaxle Baenre!
Jarlaxle - (retreats again, laughing his rump off)
Alustrial - (becoming annoyed) Anyway. One by one, Semdai conquered the lands of Middle-Earth, rewarding with pudding those that came willingly and pelting with mud those that didn't.
Cadderly - (back in the mojo) But, despite the mess it made to do so, there were some who resisted. The great thief Morik the RogueIsildur allied himself with the few elves that didn't like pudding and would risk soiling their fine clothes (waves his invisible arms around) and together they challenged the big army that Semdai had gathered with her promises of chocolate and tapioca pudding.
Alustrial - Cadderly, you should stop waving your arms, you're invisible.
Cadderly - (stops waving his arms) oh. right. (clears throat) Anywhose, they had almost won the battle when Semdai herself came out of her really tall and pointy tower.
Alustrial - With the power of the newly assembled crystal shard, Semdai buried the army Morik had built under a storm of gloopy mud.
Cadderly - Beaten, very dirty, and now being charged with the cleaning bills of many disgruntled elves, Morik raised his mighty sword in a final, feeble attempt to drive Semdai back.
Alustrial - With a thought to her shard Semdai reduced the sword Charon's Claw to little more than a broken dagger. Nevertheless, Morik continued his attack.
Cadderly - Through sheer dumb luck, Morik somehow cut off Semdai's left hand, severing her bond with the crystal shard.
Alustrial - Without the shard into which she had poured so much of herself, Semdai fell at the hands of Morik the Rogue.
Cadderly - Morik should have hurled the evil shard into stuffy Mt. Doom then and there but the malevolent and cunning crystal corrupted him and tricked him into keeping it.
Alustrial - To make a really long story short-
Jarlaxle - (snobbishly) It's too late for that.
Alustrial - (ignores Jarlaxle) the shard got Morik killed and after a couple thousand years it made its way into the hands of a drow named DininSmeagol. Dinin ran away with the shard into the Misty Mountains. But one day another drow took it from him.
Cadderly - That drow was Zaknafein Do'UrdenBilbo of the Shire. He took the shard back with him to his home at Bag End and there he lived peacefully for 60 years.
Concerning Hobbits (or in our case Drow)
MontolioGandalf - (driving his horse and cart down a well beaten but little traveled path singing a song of the road) The road goes ever on and on...
(DrizztFrodo is lazily reading a book while reclining under a tree. He hears Montolio's singing and runs down to meet him at the corner)
Drizzt - (crosses his arms over his chest) You're late.
Montolio - (stops singing and looks at Drizzt from under his big, gray, pointy hat) I am not late Drizzt Do'Urden, nor am I early, I have arrived precisely when I meant to.
(The two stare at each other for a moment then they start laughing)
Drizzt - (jumps toward Montolio like he's going to hug him) It's wonderful to see you again Montolio!
Montolio - (scoots over so that Drizzt lands on the cart instead of him) Yes, it's good to be back in the Shire again. (pauses and scratches his head) Even though I don't know when I was here last. But anyway, how's your uncle?
Drizzt - He's got the whole place in an uproar.
Montolio - (sarcastically) That should please him.
Drizzt - He's invited half the damn Shire. And the other half is planning to show up anyway.
Montlio - (chuckles) That should iritate him.
Drizzt - (overjoyed) Still it's so great that you made it into the story. There's so much I have to tell you, so many events that happened in the series after you died.
(They drive on with Drizzt monopolizing the dialogue by telling Montolio of every event from The Crystal Shard to Siege of Darkness. Eventually they reach Bag End and Drizzt remembers that he has chores to do elsewhere. He leaves so that Montolio can have some quality time to talk with ZaknafeinBilbo)
Montolio - (picks up a stick and smacks Zak's door with it) Yo, Zak-person! Open the door!
Zaknafein - (from inside the burrow) No! Go away! We don't need any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant and/or obscure relations!
Montolio - And what about someone who's supposed to be a very old friend?
Zaknafein - (peeks out the door) Who's there?
Montolio - Montolio.
Zaknafein - Montolio who?
Montolio - Montolio DeBroochie as Gandalf the Gray.
Zaknafein - Oh! (opens the door all the way) You're the old blind ranger I'm supposed to be really good friends with!
Montolio - Yes, dear Zaknafein.
Zaknafein - Please, just call me Zak. It sounds a little wrong when you say "Dear Zaknafein." But do come in. (beckons him inside)
Montolio - (follows, having to stoop since Zak has been shrunk to Hobbit size to fit the hole but he is still tall)
Zak - Want some tea, or perhaps some wine? I don't like the tea stuff but the director said to offer you some.
Montolio - Tea will be fine.
Zak - (takes Montolio's pointy hat and puts it in the closet, before rushing off) Having company is so exciting. I've never had enjoyable company before. What should I do? (rushing around the house because he just arrived and doesn't know his way around yet) I know I'll make some food! Here's some cheese! (raiding the fridge) Some bread... apples...
Montolio - (inspecting the little house and not really listening to Zak's rambling)
Zak - (now quite hyper) More cheese. Leftover chicken. Magic mushrooms. Lambas bread. Wait a sec! Why is there lambas bread in my fridge?
Montolio - (calmly) Just tea is fine, Zak.
Zak - (calms down) Right. (pops a piece of lambas bread in his mouth) Oh. (mouth full of food) you don' mine iffa eaddo you? Translation You don't mind if I eat, do you?
Montolio - (smiles) Not at all.
(A pounding on the door makes Zak choke on his bread momentarily.)
Zak - (looks at Montolio) I'm not at home. (flattens himself against the wall and peeks out the window ) Ack. (gasps) It's those damn DeVirs.
Montolio - (quirks an eyebrow)
Zak - (fearfully) They want my house, they've never forgiven me for killing their priestesses in Homeland. Not to mention the writer gave them a really shitty hole in the mud for a house.
Montolio - (slowly) I see.
Zak - (slinks back into the kitchen with Montolio) I have to get away from here. (slightly frantic) Away from all these damn people who aren't supposed to be related to me but somehow are. (quickly) Oh yes, tea! (pours tea for Montolio and wine for himself)
Montolio - So you mean to go through with your plan?
Zak - (stares at him) How do you know about my plan?
Montolio - I don't, it just says in the script to say so.
Zak - Oh. (waves his hand) Yes, yes, everything is in order.
Montolio - So when does this long expected party begin?
The Long Expected Party
(MontolioGandalf and ZakBilbo sit outside smoking dreamweed in long pipes.)
Zak - (blows a smoke ring) Finest weed this side of the Underdark.
Montolio - (blows a smoke ship through Zak's smoke ring)
Zak - Montolio DeBroochie, this will be a night to remember.
(Skip to the party where Montolio is lighting off firework after firework while Zak puts up with Hobbit-sized drow wanting to bend his ear.)
Drizzt - (spots the DeVirs coming) DeVirs! (pulls Zak behind a tent)
Zak - (sighs with relief) That was close. (looks Drizzt in the eyes) There's something I have to tell you.
Drizzt - What?
Zak - (fearful) I see... (shifty eyes) tall people.
Drizzt - (scrutinizes his 'uncle') Zak, have you been in Dondon'sGaffer old brews again?
Zak - (defensively) No. (pauses guiltily) Well...yes. (quickly) But that's not the point!
Drizzt - (smiles) C'mon Zak, let's go rejoin the party.
(They do so. Zak puts up with more hobbit-sized drow bending his ears while Drizzt joins the dancing.)
RegisSam - (nervously glances at DwahvelRosey while she dances)
Drizzt - (plops down beside Regis) Go on, Regis, ask Dwahvel for a dance.
Regis - (gulps) I think I'll just have another drink.
Drizzt - I don't think so. (picks Regis up and pushes him into Dwavel's path.) Go on.
Regis - (knocks Dwahvel and himself down, which has a domino effect on the other dancers)
Drizzt - (flinches) That's gonna be felt in the morning.
(Skip to Zak's speech)
Zak - (up on a raised dais giving a speech... stated earlier) My fellow Do'Urdens and dear Hun'etts! (the few Do'Urdens who weren't cast as Nazgul cheer while the Hun'etts give Zak the finger) Bouldershoulders and Baenres! (IvanMerry and PikelPippin cheer, the Baenres present remain silent) Oblodras! (jeering) Barrison'Del'Armgos! (insults) Horlbars! (silence) And DeVirs (more fingers) Today I am leaving this Lloth-forsaken shit hole for good! (everybody except Drizzt and Montolio cheers) But the not-so-dear DeVirs don't get my house, Drizzt does. (curses from the DeVirs)
Random DeVir - At least one of us is a Nazgul!
Zak - (calmly) Hello? Did you not read the casting sheet that went around this morning? 5 of the 9 Nazgul are Do'Urdens.
DeVirs - (growl curses at Zak)
Zak - (slips his hands into his coat pockets) Well, I suppose that sums everything up. Drizzt, you better take care of Bag End and squish all the spiders who dare to show their ugly faces on that property. See ya! (vanishes)
(Lots of commotion in which Montolio sneaks back to Bag End, catching Zak in the living room.)
Montolio - I suppose you think that was very clever?
Zak - (giggles) Did you see their faces when I just vanished? POOF!
Montolio - (sternly) There is only one Crystal Shard in the world, Zaknafein, and it should not be used lightly.
Zak - (slightly whining) It was just a little fun. (sighs) Oh, but you're Gandalf in this story so you're probably right as Gandalf usually is. (picks up his pack) You'll keep an eye on Drizzt, won't you?
Montolio - Yep. As long as this Crystal Shard of yours stays with him.
Zak - (whines) But it's mine!
Montolio - You don't need to whine, Zak. It's Drizzt turn to play with the Shard.
Zak - (more whinny) But I don't wanna give it up! It's mine... My own... My precious...
Montolio - (sharply) Zaknafein Do'Urden!
Zak - (cowers)
Montolio - (deeply) You are becoming like the wretch from whom you obtained the Shard in the first place!
Zak - (throws the shard down and runs out the door) I didn't do it! (runs away like his rump is on fire)
Montolio - (calls after him) See you later in the story!
Zak - (scared to the point of wetting his pants) Not if I can help it!
To be continued...
The Award...
(In a really big, high-tech auditorium. The entire cast of LOTR and FR plus all of Semdai's friends and cousins sit in the audience)
Semdai - (walks on stage) So Cast, how are we all enjoying our parts?
Cast - (a few groans and cheers)
Semdai - That's great! (reads off a sheet of paper) Today's agenda... Mirror Me Dark was updated by 2 chapters on 3-13-04... We have succeeded in ensnaring nearly half a dozen people with FR books... (the FR half of the cast approves) There will be a camping trip to Willow Lake this summer, gonna be tons of fun guys. My surrogate family will be there, we're gonna water-ski, do some tanning, and run underdressed through the woods at night, gonna be great.
Cast - (mixed responses.)
Catti-brie - (stands and yells) Skank!
Semdai - (glares at Catti-brie) Also this chapter's award for Most Adorable Eyes goes out to... drum-roll please.
(Drum-roll)
Semdai - Thank you. (pulls a crumpled envelope out of her pocket and opens it) Between Legolas Greenleaf, Drizzt Do'Urden, Besnell no last name, and Smeagol/Gollum...
Catti-brie - (angry) Stop trailing off and tell us who won!
Semdai - (gives Catti-brie the finger)
Catti-brie - (preppy tone) Ah! How rude! (Pulls out her bow and fires at Semdai)
Semdai - (dodges but the paper gets blown out of her hands and burns to ashes)
Entreri - (sarcastically) Great job, woman, now we'll never know who wins the award.
Semdai - (points at the ceiling) Wait! There may yet be a way! (points at the door) Come Cast! To my house!
(Every body rushes out the door, down the road, and into Semdai's basement. They stop at a sliding wood doorparents' room.)
Semdai - (knocks on the door) Dad? Are you in there?
Semdai's Dad - (inside, somewhat annoyed sounding) Whatda you want, Jess?
Semdai - (exasperated) Dad, please on my name is SEMDAI.
Semdai's Dad - Well what do you want?
Semdai - (asking through the closed door) We need to use the computer.
Semdai's Dad - Who's 'we?'
Semdai - (looks behind at the dozens of people, elves, and halflings gathered behind her) Me and my friends.
Semdai's Dad - (sighs) All right.
Semdai - (sticks her foot under the door and lifts, unlocking the door, then slides it back) Thanks Dad. (to the Cast) You guys wait here. There's not a whole lot of room there. (enters the room)
Semdai's Dad - (who is the parent Semdai most resemblessame eyes, same hair, same habits, same disorders, and same oily skin, walks out and sees all the people his daughter has brought home) Well, hello there (looking around) did she bring ALL of you here?
Cast - (settling onto the floor and couches that make up the basement's furniture) yep.
Semdai's Dad - (takes a sip of his coffeemy dad likes coffee and shrugs) Well, I'm Ed.
Cast - (together) Hello, Ed.
(After several minutes of the Cast socializes with Semdai's father, Semdai herself returns.)
Ed - (sitting in Semdai's favorite chair telling embarrassing things about Semdai) And so I come home late one day and Jess is in her room blaring her stereo singing Black Sabbath at the top of her voice, ringing the eardrums of everyone within twenty foot radius with that voice of hers.
The Cast - (laughs)
Semdai - (mortified) DAD!
Ed - Oh hi, Jess.
Semdai - (whines) I told you before, please call me Semdai!
Ed - (rolls his eyes) Whatever.
Jarlaxle - (anxiously) So who won?
Drizzt - Who's got the cutest eyes?
Semdai - Between Legolas, Drizzt, Besnell, and Smeagol/Gollum it was... resume drum-roll please.
(drum-roll resumes)
Semdai - The winner is-
(Drum-roll stops)
Semdai - Your Mom!
Cast - ???
Semdai - (laughs) Sorry guys, I couldn't resist. Drizzt is the real winner.
Drizzt - (grins and stretches) Ha! I beat Legolas.
Legolas - (shrugs, pulls out his knife, and starts fiddling with it) Oh well.
Semdai - Lastly we shall take nominations for the next award: Saddest Death Scene! I need two LOTR people and two FR people!
Drizzt - I nominate Zak!
Entreri - He didn't have that big of a death scene.
Jarlaxle - No, but the one Semdai wrote for him in The Not So Great Death Scenes wrenched a few heartstrings.
Entreri - That shouldn't count!
Semdai - Motion carries. Any other nominees?
Legolas - Haldir of Lothlorien!
Semdai - Carried.
Tarathiel - Kellindil of Sojourn!
Kellindil - (looks at Tarathiel quizzically)
Tarathiel - Hey, C'mon. (puts an arm over Kellindil's shoulders) We elves have gotta stick together.
Semdai - (giggles) Carried. One more LOTR nominee?
LOTR Cast - SMEAGOL!!!
Semdai - (rubs a finger in her ear) Motion carries by unanimous vote. So the contestants for the award of Saddest Death Scene are Zaknafein Do'Urden, Haldir of Lorien, Kellindil of Sojourn, and Smeagol. Tune in next time and feel free to flame!
Jarlaxle - (stoner voice) QUIZNO SUBS!
To be continued...