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SemdaiSauron - Where did we leave off last time?
MontolioGandalf - When ZakBilbo ran screaming out the door.
Semdai - Oh yes, Farewell Dear Zak.
Montolio - Yeah...
Semdai - Are you having fun with this LOTR spin-off, Montolio?
Montolio - (thinks) Yeah... it's ok.
Semdai - Even though it's just the fantasy of a deranged, doesn't own diddly squat, teenager's
mind?
Montolio - (quietly) Yeah.
Semdai - (slowly) Cool.
Lord of the Crystal Shard
By Semdai Bloodquill
Chapter Two : Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe
(In the local tavern, The Green Dragon, several cycles of Narbondel after ZakBilbo ran away screaming. DrizztFrodo, RegisSam, and DondonGaffer are having a nice drink of ale, served to them by the lovely DwavelRosey, and watching IvanMerry and PikelPip dancing on the table in the middle of the tavern.)
Ivan/Pikel - (dancing drunkenly) Hey ho, to the bottle I go to heal my heart and drown my woe, rain may fall and wind may blow, but there still may be-- many miles to go.
(Here I have magically altered Pikel's speech so that he could sing the song with Ivan, otherwise it would have been a little dull.)
Ivan/Pikel - Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain and the stream that flows from hill to plain, better than rain or the rippling brook-
Ivan - (Pikel stops at this point) There's a mug o' beer inside this dwarf!
(Cheering from the also drunken audience.)
(Sudden screeching pause.)
CadderlyElrond - (observing from backstage with Semdai) Hey that doesn't rhyme!
SemdaiSauron - So? Why does it have to?
Cadderly - It doesn't sound right.
Semdai - Well let's look in the actual book. (grabs a spare copy of Fellowship of the Ring and flips through it) I'm not finding it, Cadderly.
Cadderly - (grabs the book and flips through it frantically) Ah damn. (disgruntled, hands Semdai the book back) Fine you win.
Semdai - Now on with the story! (presses the play button on the spare remote.)
(Back in the story, Regis, DondonGaffer, and some nameless Hobbit/Drow sit around a table talking)
Dondon - There've been elves passing through the Shire and never coming back.
Nameless hobbit/drow #1 - (drunkenly) Damn fearies invading our territory!
Nameless hobbit/drow #7 - (smoking pipe-weed) It'sh no bishnish of oursh what goesh on beyond dish shide of de Underdark.
Nameless hobbit/drow #3 - (sober) You're sounding like old Mr. Mad-Zak. Cracked he was.
Drizzt - (walks over with lots of foaming mugs) What about Zak?
Nameless hobbit/drow #3 - Zak was cracked. And Mr. Drizzt here is cracking too.
Drizzt - (proudly) And proud of it! (passes mugs to Dondon and Regis) Cheers Dondon!
Nameless hobbit/drow #5 - (falls over drunk)
Nameless hobbit/drow #2 - (pushes #5 off the chair)
(Lots of laughter and drinking of ale and hobbit/drow pushing eachother off their chairs. Miss Dwahvel not happy about this.)
Later that night...
(Regis and Drizzt walking drunkenly back to Bag End)
Drizzt - (singing drunkenly) Chim-chiminey chim-chiminey chim-chim-cheree!
Regis - See ya tomorrow, Mr. Drizzt.
Drizzt - (stumbles into Bag End still singing "Chim-chim chree")
(Lots of quiet)
MontolioGandalf - (grabs Drizzt from behind) IS IT SECRET! IS IT SAFE!
Drizzt - (screams and falls over)
Semdai - (from sidelines) I think you over did it, Montolio.
Montolio - (sheepishly) Oops.
Later...
Montolio - (roasting the crystal shard on a stick over the fire while singing) Chim-chiminey chim-chiminey chim-chim-
cheree!
Drizzt - (wakes up on the floor) What happened?
Montolio - Hold out your hand.
Drizzt - (shocked) What are you doing to my precious!
Montolio - I said hold out your hand.
Drizzt - (does so)
Montolio - (drops shard in Drizzt's hand)
Drizzt - (screams in pain) Ah! It burns! It burns! Ah!
Montolio - (simply) It is quite cool, Drizzt.
Drizzt - (stops and realizes stand-in-Gandalf is right) Oh. I see.
Montolio - Do you see any markings?
Drizzt - Well there's some flaming letters in the Black Speech but other than that nothing important.
Montolio - (sticking to the script a little too well, not noticing that Drizzt has botched his part) Oh.
Drizzt - Let's see here... (begins reading Black Speech) Az Naz Gimbatuul.
Montolio - Ah! You must not read from the shard!
Drizzt - Why not?
Montolio - (dramatically) It is evil. This is the shard of the wicked Semdai Bloodquill, Scion of Darkness, Lady of Doom, Mistress to the Devil, and Co-ruler of Drow.
Drizzt - (simply) I know a Semdai Bloodquill. She was kind of eccentric but she was always nice to me.
Montolio - (seriously) The Semdai you knew in the Halloweenies was destroyed by Morik the Rogue. The Semdai of this time is evil, sinister, and deranged from thousands of years without her shard. Drizzt, (very seriously) she must never get it back.
Drizzt - (softly) Then what should we do with it?
Montolio - You must take it to Bree and meet at the Prancing Pony.
(knock on the door)
Drizzt - Who is it?
Regis - (enters) Just me Mr. Drizzt. You left your boots at The Green Dragon. (holds up Drizzt's boots)
Drizzt - Regis, as hobbits we're not supposed to wear boots.
Montolio - (angrily) You were eavesdropping on us weren't you?
Regis - No, I wasn't!
Montolio - Maybe you were and maybe you weren't. You're coming along now. (grabs Regis under one arm and Drizzt under the other and marches out the door)
Regis - (scared) But where are we going?!
To Be continued...
The Award.
(Since the Cutest Eyes escapade, the Cast has returned to the big auditorium.)
Semdai - (up on the stage) Wasn't that great?
Cast - (mixed response)
Semdai - (cheerfully) Great, the agenda for today (begins reading off a sheet of paper) Van Helsing comes out on video and DVD Sept. 15th which is a Wednesday, Die Hard 2 : Die Harder staring Bruce Willis will be showing in my basement around 5 PM this evening, I invite everyone to come and watch, I have to go back to school Sept. 9th so I won't be able to write as much. (fumbles through the pages) Let's see... Out of Ranch dressing, buy more on Sunday... And with all of that out of the way we can look at who was the winner for the award of The Saddest Death Scene. Jarlaxle, the envelope please.
Jarlaxle - (runs over to Semdai and hands her an envelope, kisses her hand, and runs backstage)
Semdai - Arigato. Japanese Thank you (opens the envelope and reads) 'To my dear Semdai, I had a wondrous time last night, thank you very much for the lovely-' (stops and blushes) Jarlaxle! Wrong envelope!
Cast - (laughs)
Catti-brie - (yells) You dirty bitch!
Jarlaxle - (runs back on with another envelope) My mistake, sincerest apologies, Semdai.
Semdai - (haughtily) That's it, no sex for you tonight.
Jarlaxle - (sulks away)
Semdai - (mood 180s) I'm sorry, Jarlaxle, I didn't mean it! (runs and glomps him, knocking him over on his back) I DO still wanna have sex with you tonight! (starts making out with Jarlaxle right on the stage in front of everyone)
Cast - (shocked gaspsfrom the girls and cat callsfrom the boys)
Drizzt - (climbs on stage and retrieves the second envelope) While Semdai and Jarlaxle... do their thing the rest of us would like to know who won the award for the Saddest Death Scene. (opens the envelope) Between Kellindil, Zak, Haldir, and Smeagol the winner is... (drum roll) Haldir of Lorien!
LOTR people - Yeah!
Drizzt - Next chapter's award is for the Best Couples. Nominations please.
Catti-brie - (romantically) You and me, Drizzt! You and me!
Drizzt - (nervously) Ok. (writes that down)
Legolas - (yells) Aragorn and Arwen!
Drizzt - 'kay. (marks it)
Theoden - My niece and the crazy Steward's younger son! Eowyn and Faramir
Drizzt - Sounds good... (notes that)
Dantrag - (just to piss of Zak) Zaknafein and Malice!
Drizzt - Do I have to count that?
Semdai - (looks up) Count it! (resumes)
Drizzt - Sorry father. (marks)
Entreri - I nominate Jarlaxle and Semdai!
Jarlaxle/Semdai - (pause in their activities) Carried! (resume activities)
Drizzt - Ok. the couples are : Jarlaxle Semdai, Drizzt Catti-brie, Zak Malice, Eowyn Faramir, and Aragorn Arwen. Good night audience we are now off to watch Die Hard 2.
Entreri - (joyfully) Yipee-kai-yay motherfucker!
Cast - (rushing out, chanting) Die Hard 2! Die Hard 2! Die Hard 2!
The End...for now...