DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within the Harry Potter series – they are the sole property and creation of Joanne Kathleen Rowling of Number 6 Privet Drive and Bloomsbury books.. or so I'm told. Other names dropped are also not my property!

A/N: So I decided to update seeing as I got some rather nice reviews. Thank you to EDS, redragon6662 and King Kazul for thine reviews.

A/N2: APOLOGIES TO ALL AMERICAN READERS! All the Anti-American abuse in this chapter is for comedy value.

Alexei Noire xXx

Chapter 2: Yankee Doodle Harry

"Since when have you had blond hair, Harry?" asked Harry 'Da Man' Potter's friend, Hermione 'Brains' Granger in a tone of mock concern.

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat, handing the corned beef sandwiches that Bellatrix had made him to Ron who was eyeing them hungrily – a look of longing on his face.

"Well you see JK made me a brunette," he murmured, teasing Hermione 'Brains' Granger's bushy brown hair, "but I realised that I never have much fun and on Grease that pink-haired bitch.. . Frenchy or something said that 'Blondes have more fun'. So I decided to go out to Superdrug and buy some Schwarzkopf hair dye. Took me all of half an hour to do."

He grabbed Ron's face and drew a fake moustache on with a permanent marker from Hermione 'Brains' Granger's pencil case.

"OI!" he shouted with a mouth full of Bellatrix's sandwiches.

Harry 'Da Man' Potter laughed wickedly and sat back appreciatively in his seat just as a tall, skinny girl dressed entirely in emo attire with long sleek black hair and a fringe walked in.

"Hey!" she said in an American accent to Harry 'Da Man' Potter, "You're Haaaarry Podder arrren't yoo?"

Hermione looked at the American bitch warily with utmost hate in her face.

"And who the bleedin' hell do you think you are?" she said, looking the newcomer angrily who had just seated herself next to Ron.

The girl grinned a toothy, dazzling smile which was obviously the product of great American toothpastes and dentists and well....braces. Hermione choked on her own saliva and stared down at her feet, apparently jealous.

"I," she said in that annoying American accent which made you think of really shit shows like 'The O.C.' or 'Beverly Hills 90210', "am Cassie Halliday. I am a transfer student from Schenectady back in Noo Yawk!"

"Bleedin' Yank!" Ron said in a muffled voice, "Go back to where you came from!"

"Now, now," said Ginevra Weasley walking into the carriage with Crookshanks in her arms, "don't be racist to the bitch. Just because she's a real fucker who's been overcome by the multinational companies of their cursed land!"

"Hey!!!" Cassie, the American bitch screamed, "Stop it! All I did was transfer here from some crap American school and I wanted a nice, new life in England!!"

"Well," said Hermione, with her mouth slightly pursed to perhaps hide her large front teeth, "you won't be very popular at Hogwarts being an emo girl – most of the students are into Wizard Metal and New Wave of Witchblaze Heavy Metal as well as some Magick Punk."

"God," Cassie said, which was immediately followed by everyone in the carriage except Hermione 'Brains' Granger covering their ears.

"DO NOT SAY THE NAME!!" yelled Ron.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Ginevra.

"VOLDEMOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!" Harry bellowed.

PAUSE

Readers: Alexei 'Da Freak' Noire, why are you suddenly adding an American exchange student who is an emo kid to Hogwarts?

Alexei: Well you see, you can tell when an American writes a fanfic because they always add an American Exchange Student. Either that or use American grammar and spelling which just will not do!

PLAY

"Firs' Years!" Hagrid yelled, "This way!"

Harry 'Da Man' Potter hurried over to Hagrid, wringing his hand enthusiastically with a broad grin across his James and Lily Potter face.

"Heya Harry!" he roared, "Seen that American bitch?"

"Yeah!" Harry shouted over the din of the students running hither and thither, "She's well fit!"

Hagrid's smile vanished and, grumbling, stormed off toward the lake.

"Neeeeeeeeeeeeighhhhhh!" the nearest Thestral neighed at Harry 'Da Man' Potter.

Harry wheeled round and faced, not a Thestral but Loopy, Loony, Luna Lovegood.

"Hello Harry 'Da Man' Potter," she sang dreamily, not looking at Harry but over his shoulder, "I hope you are well!"

With that she stalked off, a skip with every alternate step.

"Come on Harry!" Ron 'Da Weasel' Weasley called from a knot of Seventh Years to Harry's right.

In the Entrance Hall, there was a boom of hundreds of mingled voices all talking excitedly at once. As Harry clambered his way through toward the Marble Staircase, teeny weeny tiny Professor Flitwick bumbled toward Harry.

"Come with me Potter!" he squeaked, "I need to talk you, not in my office – we'll go to Snape's, it'll be closer!"

Wondering what on earth the Charms teacher, Professor Flitwick would want to talk to Harry about, minutes before the Welcoming Feast. With a questioning look back at Hermione, he followed the tiny professor away from the gabble of voices and down to the dungeons and through to Snape's dank office with its many jars full of formidable suspensions.

"Sit down Potter!" Professor Flitwick said, while sitting himself down on a large pile of books he made with a flick of his wand.

Harry seated himself in a rather uncomfortable leathery seat which he was sure had never been in here before. Staring intently at Professor Flitwick, he waited.

"I don't suppose you know why I called you in here today!" he squeaked.

Da Man shook his head and leaned back on his seat, somewhat annoyed at the prospect of missing the feast .... And the pretty American girl.

"I won't keep you for long, don't worry!" he said, and he immediately opened the door behind Harry 'Da Man' Weasley.

Harry's jaw dropped.

It was Prince Henry Charles Albert David Mountbatten-Windsor of Wales, better known as red-haired pot-smoking Prince Harry.

"Y-You're here!" Harry 'Da Man' Potter gasped, running up to bow low in front of the Prince.

"No need to do that, Potter!" he said, laughing and urging Da Man to get up, "It's not the middle-ages anymore in which you bow to princes."

"So good to meet you, Your Highness!" Harry whispered, almost stumbling to the ground in admiration.

Prince Harry smirked with the same smirk as Draco 'Da Snake' Malfoy.

Harry 'Da Man' Potter turned round to face Professor Flitwick.

"What is the Prince of Wales doing here?" he asked, apparently now unconcerned about the Sorting Ceremony going on upstairs.

"Well," squeaked Prof Flitty-wick, "the Prince obviously couldn't be sorted with all the First Years – now that'd just be damn embarrassing. So what we did was, we sorted him beforehand and he ended up in Ravenclaw."

"Surely you got my Post-It Note during the summer?" the Prince asked Harry.

Harry nodded sheepishly, unaware of how much he was beginning to drool.

"Right-o!" Professor Flitwick said, coming up to the two Harrys, "According to Headmistress Sidebottom's orders we need to come through the back room to introduce the Prince."

At that moment, Professor Severus 'Crusher' Snape strode into the office and his eyes widened at the sight that met him.

"What," he breathed, "in the unholy name of the Dark Lord are you three doing in my office. Explain yourselves please!"

Professor Flitwick giggled and ran out of the room, yelling "So long suckers!" after them.

"Uhh" Harry began, but the Prince interrupted him.

"Why Potter here was just introducing me to Hogwarts," he said in a calm, strangely common Southern England accent, "He will be my guide and colleague you see. For I am," he coughed slightly to affirm an ellipsis, "the Prince of Wales."

Snape evidently neither knew nor cared about the Prince of Wales and a wry smirk appeared on his pallid face.

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw, Windsor," he breathed, "No go to the Great Hall immediately."

STOP

Stupid? Yes I know. Carry on.

Alexei Noire xXx