Disclaimer: Hear ye, hear ye! It shall hereby be proclaimeth that I do not owneth the X-Men! …eth.
A/N: Howdy y'all. I would've posted this sooner, but since my Dad is out of the country, we're redecorating. If any of this is too insane, let's just blame the paint fumes, shall we?
Star-of-Chaos, Misa1124,Calliann, PomegranateQueen, ThatsJustPeachy, PsychoRomyChica,crazy-me, BasiaM, Anamaniax, TheRealMai, flowerperson,texasgrrl, The Rogue Cajun, Pandora's Sorrow, sleepy26,epona04, darkstorm5000, LoneWolf422, cool-chick-rae, and enchantedlight – Aww, your kind words make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! Gold stars for you all.
SweetRevenge151 – Rome? I'm jealous. And ooh, a murder mystery? I love those! Okay, I've moved from jealous to intrigued. Bring that on!
heartsyhawk – Ahh, glad you've seen the error of the non-Romy way. ;-)
ladychopsticks – Sorry it took longer than 5 minutes. But ooh, I do have a bunny and a swivel chair, I think I'm all set for my role as evil mad scientist! Except I'm not very sciencey – would that pose a problem? Need help searching for another fic? Well, as Queen, I suppose I must fulfill my royal duties! Bring it on.
melancholic – Don't like surprises, eh? Isn't that interesti- BOO! Hah, take that. But you trust correctly, all will be explained – it'll just take a while. Until then, shall you continue with the feet-kissing? Don't worry, they don't smell too bad. ;-)
fallen-angel999 – Sure, I can tell you it's a good sign - it might not necessarily be true however. Nahh, it most likely is. Or is it? Dun dun duhh! Are you adequately confused and twitchy now?
demiducky25 – Gee, instead of predicting winning lottery numbers or something equally useful, I predict your need to go to the bathroom? Sigh! Oh well that cracked me up. I'd suggest going before you read this chapter too – just in case!
Peace215 – Oh, such flattery! As for why I chose Pietro… Well, he's just sleazy enough to do what I have planned. Ohh, are you curious enough yet?
Aro – Didn't bonfires go out of style after, what, the Salem Witch Trials? But don't you worry, I think I can promise you a good pummelling – would that suffice?
Alyxandria – Sad to say, I didn't actually come up with this concept – what, you think I could actually be this creative? Hah! It's a movie, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', I suggest going to see it. If you don't mind spoiling the fic's plot, that is. ;-)
Krac – Did you hit the right page this time? And yes, 'doomed but meant for each other' really sums it up quite nicely!
XxFleurdelySxX – You lost interest? Tsk tsk. I'd give you a firm scolding, but I'm looking forward to that new stuff you're writing – hint hint!
Anyhoo, I got the funnest exclamations last chapter! There was a 'yowza', there was a 'gak!'… Amusing stuff. Prepare some more for this chapter, eh? Which, as luck would have it, is right here! Nice how things work out like that.
Loved and Lost, or Never At All?
Chapter 3 – Forget
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." – Michel de Montaigne
Remy didn't fully understand Kitty's words at first. "Pardon?" he questioned hoarsely. Surely, she just didn't say what he thought he had heard...
"Rogue had you erased from her memories," Kitty repeated gently. Well, as gently as she could, considering the awful news she was giving him.
If he hadn't already been sitting down, Remy certainly would have collapsed. He was in a daze from what the young girl had just told him – it couldn't be true… Could it? The lack of recognition he had received from Rogue earlier seemed to confirm it… But he just couldn't believe that. 'Ma chère wouldn' do dat… Non, she couldn'…' he thought desperately, yet failing to fully convince himself.
Kitty felt her heart break as Remy stared blankly ahead, a distant look on his face. But then again, her sorrow would be nothing compared to his, she supposed.
"Tell m' exactly what happened," he whispered, but it would have been just as powerful a demand had he screamed it out. It was clear Remy would not leave without the answers he needed, and Kitty couldn't, and wouldn't, deny them to him.
She sat down across from him and sighed. It was such a bizarre story, she could hardly believe it was real… And she knew that they both wished it wasn't. Taking a deep breath, she began.
"Well, after you left, Rogue was, like…" Kitty paused to find the words. "It was like she was broken inside. She had made so much progress, all thanks to you, but then she went back to like she was before – only worse. She hardly left her room, she didn't eat, she couldn't sleep – when she did, she would wake up crying. She pushed us all away again, we were so worried about her - we tried to cheer her up, but nothing worked."
"Sound jus' like m' when I left," Remy mumbled.
Kitty nodded at that, her suspicions verified. "I like, tried to tell her that. I tried to tell her that you didn't want to leave, that you'd be back, but it didn't help. She said that it hurt too much."
Now it was Remy's turn to nod. He knew that feeling – leaving his chère had been one of the hardest things he had ever done. "Keep goin', chat," he prodded. "What happened after dat?"
"After a few weeks, Rogue went to the Professor. I don't know the exact details, but he erased you from her memories."
Remy held his breath as he asked, "Completely?"
He felt like all the wind was knocked out of him when she corroborated it. "Yeah. It's like you never existed to her."
Remy's mind was reeling. This was impossible… Maybe it was all a dream? It seemed like it couldn't be real. He closed his eyes, silently willing himself to wake up from this nightmare - that's what this was, it had to be!
"After… After it was finished, he told us what he'd done," she continued. "He told everybody, even the Brotherhood, that we should never mention you around Rogue again."
"Dat's it? Jus' like dat? 'Poof, Remy's gone?'" he bitterly asked.
"Yeah," murmured Kitty. "She seemed better after that… Not happy, like she was with you, but it was better. And then a week or so later, Pietro ran into her – and, um, I guess you can like, figure out the rest."
"Right," Remy sneered. He had driven non-stop from New Orleans the second he was able to leave, only to find his amour with someone else. To have it be that silver-haired brat only added insult to injury – it was like some cruel joke, like the entire universe was laughing at him.
"I know it probably won't make you feel any better," Kitty began meekly. "But she isn't the same now, even with Pietro."
She was right, it didn't make him feel any better – at this point, he doubted anything could. Remy clenched his hands into fists, his nails digging into his palms and drawing blood – he didn't care. The pain was pleasing - anything was preferable to the pain he was feeling right now in his heart. It was slowly breaking apart, piece by piece, with every new detail he learned.
"She doesn't love him," she continued to divulge, hoping that might ease his sorrow, but it only stirred his rage.
"She doesn' love me anymo' eit'er!" Remy screamed, leaping up to his feet.
"Shh!" hushed Kitty, looking nervously towards the door. "We don't want anybody coming in here and finding you! Logan, Kurt and Scott would want to, like, kill you for hurting Rogue!"
"She ain't hurt anymo', is she? She don' remember bein' hurt," he spat out. "Je ne comprends pas (I don't understand), how could dis happen? Did she jus' wake up un jour (one day) an' decide dis? How can y' choose t' do somet'in' like dat?"
At his words, Kitty looked away guilty. "It-it's my fault," she stuttered. "Oh God, I'm so sorry…"
"How?" he demanded.
"I was trying to like, knock some sense into her, telling her to be positive and stuff," she wailed. "And I got mad! I told her, 'You have to get over this! What else are you gonna do, erase him from your memory?', but she like, took it literally! And I tried to stop her, I swear, but she got so dead-set on the idea, nothing I said would help! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault…"
Remy looked at the crying girl. He walked over, knelt down in front of her and said, "I don' blame y', petite."
She looked up sharply. "You don't?" she sniffled.
"Non," he said, and then his tone turned cold. "I blame Rogue."
Kitty's eyes widened - she had never heard him refer to Rogue so frigidly before. "What?" she weakly asked.
"I blame her," he repeated, resuming his earlier pacing. "She did dis! It's her fault, all o' dis! I told her I'd be back, she knew I didn' wan' t' leave, an' she still did dis! Did she even t'ink 'bout Remy at all?Non! I loved her, an' she tol' me dat she loved m' too, an' den she jus' goes an' erases m'!"
"She did love you!" protested Kitty, attempting to defend her best friend's actions. She may not have agreed with Rogue's choice, but it had to be done – things might have been worse otherwise, and she didn't want to think about that. "You know that, and I know that! Hell, everybody knows that! That's why it hurt her so much, and that why she felt she had to do it. It wasn't easy for her, you have to realize that, Remy."
"C'est des conneries! (That's bullshit!)," Remy yelled, making fists in his hair and pulling them in frustration. "She took de easy way out, tryin' t' run from her problems, like always! We worked so hard on our relationship, an' she jus' t'rows it all away! How can y' claim t' care 'bout someone an' get rid o' dem like dat?"
"Remy, calm down-"
"Don' tell m' t' calm down, dat ain't gonna happen! I can't believe she did dis… What 'bout all de good times we had, henh? What 'bout dem? She jus' writes it all off like it was not'in!" he continued to shout, a few carefully guarded tears slipping down his face.
Kitty sat there in silence, watching the Cajun release his rage, feeling helpless – just like she had with Rogue. Suddenly Gambit stopped in his tracks, abruptly turned around, and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" she yelped, jumping up to follow him.
"T' find Xavier!" he bellowed, wrenching the door open and striding down the hall. "I need t' get t' de bottom o' dis!"
- X -
Across the mansion, Charles Xavier was working in his office when he suddenly grimaced. His powers were picking up a great deal of emotional pain… Reaching out with his telepathy, he attempted to determine the origin – he sighed when the source was found.
It did not come as a surprise to him. He knew Remy LeBeau would return one day - the only question had been when. As cruel as it was, he had been hoping it would be at a much later date – it would leave more time to find a way to explain why he had done what he had. Even the few months that had passed since the incident hadn't adequately prepared Xavier for what to tell the young man, and he was dreading having to justify his actions.
The Professor placed his papers down and wheeled himself around in front of his desk. A few moments later, Gambit burst in the door.
"We need t' talk, M'sieu (Sir)," he growled.
A few seconds after his entrance, Kitty ran into the room.
"I'm sorry, Professor!" she panted. "I, like, couldn't stop him!"
"That's quite alright, Kitty," he told her. "He is correct, we do have a great deal to talk about. Please close the door on your way out."
"Oh, um… Okay," she squeaked, and did as he asked.
When she had left the room, the Professor turned to the angry Cajun glaring at him – his demon eyes made the action all the more intimidating, and Xavier found himself hard-pressed not to flinch under the glower.
"Would you like to sit down?" he offered, gesturing to a chair.
"Non, I'll stand," came the forced reply, clearly impatient and angry. "I want some answers, Professeur, an' I wan' dem now."
"Fair enough," he nodded. "I take it you already know the gist of what occurred. What else would you like to know?"
"How 'bout why de hell y' did dis t' her!" he roared – respect be damned, this was the man that took away his amour, and Remy certainly didn't feel that he deserved his politeness.
"Calm down, Mr. LeBeau, please-"
"Calm down? Why do y' people keep tellin' me dat? Would y' be calm if y' found out dat de love o' yo' life had y' erased?"
Charles winced. "Point taken. But please, at least let me speak – I will explain it all to you, I promise."
"How can y' possibly explain it? How could y' have done it in de first place?"
"Believe me, I didn't want to," protested Xavier. "But eventually it became clear to me that I didn't have much of a choice."
"No choice?" exclaimed Remy incredulously. "Of course y' had a choice!"
"Mr. LeBeau, please!" stated the Professor harshly. "I am trying to clarify things for you, but first you must let me!"
Remy nodded resentfully, and remained silent. However, he began pacing in front of the Professor, reminding him very much of a dangerous cat ready to pounce.
"Good. Now, you must understand – I never would have agreed to this normally. In any other scenario, I would have just classified it as the stresses of a teenage break-up, but this was different – it went much deeper in this case. There were extenuating circumstances I had to take into account."
"An' dey were?"
Charles paused before answering, and evaluated the young man in front of him – hopefully he would be able to take the news without blowing up. "That would be the condition of Rogue's mental state. She was very… unstable, after you left. She was despondent, fragile. I attempted to talk to her about it, to try to help her through her pain, but I could not help her – the memories of her happiness were simply preventing her from experiencing more. I was forced to acquiesce to her wishes, for her own good."
"What d' y' mean? I was good f' her!" Remy objected.
"I know you were. But after you left… She was suicidal, Remy," Xavier revealed honestly.
Those words stopped Remy in his tracks, his sharp intake of breath almost sounding like a hiss. "She… She didn' hurt herself, did she?" he stammered, fear gripping him.
"No. But she would have – she began to cut herself, not too deeply, but it would have only progressed from there, I'm afraid," he told Remy, clasping his hands together and bowing his head. "That's why I did what I did, Mr. LeBeau. I certainly did not agree with Rogue's decision, but I could not get through to her any other way, and believe me, I tried. It was the last resort - I did what was necessary for her safety."
"Pardon m' if dat don' make m' feel any better," Remy mumbled, dropping into a chair with his head in his hands. After a brief silence, he spoke again.
"It… It be permanent, oui? Dere's no way y' can bring back de memories?" he asked warily, already knowing the answer deep down, yet needing verification.
"I'm afraid not. They weren't buried, they were completely wiped out – there is nothing to bring back."
He closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling, and remained that way for a few minutes. "It's not fair," he mumbled quietly.
"I know," the Professor tried to console him, only in vain.
"Y' know? How de hell can y' possibly know!" Remy burst out.
Xavier didn't reply – he couldn't, he didn't have an answer.. He just let Gambit continue.
"I can't believe dis," he ranted. "How de hell am I supposed t' live like dis, wit'out her? Knowin' dat she gave up on m'? It's unfair, now I be de one stuck wit' de memories, it's unfair dat I have t' remember, when she don'…"
Charles remained silent, leaving Remy to deal with his feelings. When it seemed he had finished his angry rambling, Charles spoke again. "I really am sorry, Mr. LeBeau. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you," he offered, knowing that in reality, nothing would alleviate his guilt for the role he played in all of this.
"What could y' possibly do t' help m'?" Remy sneered. "Y' can't change de past, y' can't bring Rogue back t' m', dere's not'in' else I wan'."
He rose from his seat, and stalked towards the door. He couldn't stand to look at Xavier anymore – deep down, he knew it wasn't the man's fault, but he still wanted somebody to blame. However, as Remy's hand touched the doorknob, he was hit with a sudden flash of inspiration. He paused and turned back around.
"Professeur? Dere is somet'in' y' can do f'r m'," he announced.
"And what would that be?" inquired Xavier curiously.
"Do it t' m' too."
"Excuse me?" He hoped Gambit wasn't asking what he thought…
"I wan' it done too. Erase her from m' mind."
My stars! Their relationship keeps getting more and more depressing, don't it?
Next chapter – Gasp! Will Remy erase Rogue too? Oh, whatever will happen to our favourite couple!
Well, tune in to find out. In the meantime, how about you channel all that twitchy energy and leave me a review? Thanks!
Toodles,
- ish -