Disclaimer: Does anybody read these things?
A/N: Seriously – do you people read these! Give me a sign! Preferably a neon one.
Anyhoo, sorry about the wait. I would've updated sooner, but the site wouldn't let me… Grumble. Oh well, here we are!
Calliann, Orage, Peace215, Alyxandria,ASGT and Kat Maximoff, darkstorm5000,The Rogue Cajun, Rogue4787, cool-chick-rae, flowerperson,Ms. Rogue LeBeau, Pandora's Sorrow, texasgrrl, Rogue14,Purple-NightSky, Awikie-Wakie-Wokie, BasiaM, Ms. Rogue LeBeau, Anamaniax, Anna, LoneWolf422, Untouchable Hexing Witch, enchantedlight and TheRealMai – As a sign of my appreciation, have a pineapple – the best fruit ever!
UniversalAnimeGirl – Writing an angsty, conflicted Remy is so easy! It practically writes itself - you ready for more? As for your plot guesses… Well, I can't tell, but I don't think the fact that she's "taken" would stop Remy at all… hint hint. ;-)
PsychoRomyChica – A pet drug monkey sounds fun. All I've got is an annoying crack bunny… Ya wanna trade?
Lightspeed Suzuka – Aww, I'll definitely cherish that plushie set. Not that it'll change the plot, but cute try! ;-)
Krac – Tsk tsk, you should never take your eyes off your prized angst wand! Unless it was for a shiny, alcoholic, cute guy. I actually prefer using angst fairy dust – it gets in peoples' eyes, which good since it makes crying a lot easier.
melancholic – Oh, of course it hurts me to do this to them! I'll salvage the situation… eventually. Until then, don't ruin the surprises! Party pooper. But I provoked your tear glands? Aww, I amhonoured! I'm giving myself gold stars for that.
Star-of-Chaos – Gee, all that violence might impede my writing abilities… Don't fret, I think you'll forgive me, it'll just take a while. But there'll be a whole lot of angsty fun before then!
vespie – Quippish things? Thanks! The name of the café will have some symbolism later on, what with the repetition and all. But I didn't just tell you that. Don't worry, all will be explained in time – no uber long prequel.
PomegranateQueen – Most of their relationship would have been private stuff between Rogue and Remy themselves, so if she did absorb somebody, all they'd know would be tiny, insignificant bits that she probably wouldn't relive, ya know? At least, that's my excuse. Shh, let's not mention this again! ;-)
Aro – It is like a soap opera, isn't it? Except with super powers, which would naturallymake it all the more dramatic. Thanks, your review reminded me to go watch Passions.
Neurotic Temptress – Thanks, I thought the voluntary amnesia would be rather unique – aggravating, but unique. I'm rather terrified though, what with your usage of capital letters, threats of torture and crack gerbils! If I weren't so scared, I would've definitely withheld this chapter from you for even hintingat that evil, sacrilegious name that must NEVER be uttered…
Alwaysright1 – Too bad I don't have an all-star cast, a large budget, and amazing special effects. I have to work with cheap things like "words" and "imagination". What has this world come to? ;-) But thanks. I've obviously tweaked the movie's plot a wee bit to satisfy some stuff, so we'll see what happens, won't we?
SweetRevenge151 – Stop with your self-deprecation and post something! That's an order! …Pretty please?
ladychopsticks – Did you get my email? I hope I fulfilled my royal duties to your satisfaction. And a scarf would be lovely, I hear those secret lairs can get pretty chilly. ;-)
XxFleurdelysSxX – Oh believe me, I was laughing at you… I mean, with you! Yeah. I don't think your muse is very productive, maybe you should whip it into shape. Or give it a trip to Disneyworld too! Can I come this time?
Krys Xanthina – You're forgiven for calling me a cow and a stalker (well, that one's pretty apt), cuz you're reviewer #100! Huzzah! Have some confetti.
Well, here we go. Next stop, Angstland! Population: Remy.
Loved and Lost, or Never At All?
Chapter 4 – Solitude
"Ah! you can die, the world can collapse, I have lost the one I love. I must now live in this terrible solitude where memory is torture." - Albert Camus
"Erase her? Absolutely not!" exclaimed the Professor, shaking his head vehemently. "I can't do that."
"Why not? Y' did it f'r her, now do it f'r m'."
He breathed out in aggravation. "Please consider what you are asking, Mr. LeBeau. I am not a couple's counsellor – this is something you must work out on your own. It isn't right to make such a decision simply to spite Rogue for her actions."
Remy's eyes narrowed dangerously. Walking up behind a chair, he clasped his hands together and leaned on it, doing his best to remain looking calm and collected - all the while, his gaze never broke away from the Professor's. "I want dis done, M'sieu. I won' be spitin' Rogue, cause she won' know 'bout it, will she? I can't live like dis, haunted by de memory o' someone dat doesn' remember m'. Y' freed Rogue o' her burden, so do de same f'r m'."
"I really don't believe you realize what you are asking me to do."
"If you don' do it, I'll find someone else who will."
A silence followed those words. The two men eyed each other warily, having come to an impasse and neither willing to budge. Unfortunately, Charles Xavier would be forced to concede - the information in Remy's memories could be dangerous in the hands of the wrong people, and both men knew it.
"Very well," said Xavier reluctantly, dipping his head in agreement. "But on one condition."
"What's dat?"
"I want you to leave, and seriously judge what you are about to do. There are consequences, and I want you to consider them."
"Like Rogue considered dem?" Remy scoffed derisively.
"I don't believe Rogue fully understood what she was getting into," admitted the Professor. "That's why I am warning you against this course of action."
"Oui, oui, je comprends, (Yes, yes, I understand)," muttered the impatient Cajun. "Do we have a deal, den?"
Charles heaved a regretful sigh, and inclined his head. "Yes."
Remy would have smiled at his small victory, but it was really no cheerful matter. Instead, he walked over to the man in the wheelchair and shook his hand – their deal was sealed.
- X -
Remy stealthily snuck out of the mansion, and made his way to his apartment. The beautiful day had turned into a dismal one, with fog dancing in the air and rain drizzling down. Fitting that the weather mirrored exactly what he was feeling inside…
The moisture gathered on his face. Unbidden, his tears fell. They mixed with the rain, hiding their true appearance.
He walked along in a daze, not fully paying attention to where he was going, and not fully caring. His thoughts were focused on the same subject they were always stuck on – Rogue. Except now was different from previous times… Now he wished they weren't.
Remy felt lost, he felt betrayed, he felt hurt – everything that Rogue had caused him to forget, whenever he was with her. Only now… Now she herself caused it all, because she had forgotten him. How bitterly ironic.
Every instinct inside of Remy still told him to run to Rogue, that she would make him feel better and lift his spirits – it was only then that his brain would kick in, and break his heart with the truth once again. She wouldn't be there to make it better, because she didn't even know who he was.
That killed him inside - it took every last ounce of hope he had left and crushed it, shattered it, smashed it, and left it to there to die. He never thought he would think such a thing, but it would have been better if he had returned to just find her with another man – Remy was sure he could have won her back. After all, they had something between them, something special and deep and unique that nobody else could imitate… Up until today, he had thought that bond could never be broken.
But now that she had no memories of him, that was gone, wasn't it? He couldn't win her back, because there was nothing to win back. That was it. That one single little fact that ripped him up inside. She wasn't his anymore, he wasn't hers, it was like they never were. That was too much for him to take.
Remy's tears grew stronger until they turned into sobs that wracked his body, and he feel to his knees.
"Why? Why, chère? Why'd y' do it? Didn' y' love m' enough!" he screamed out, releasing all his anger, hurt, and frustration as he yelled up to the clouded sky. Then he buried his face in his hands as the rain poured down on him, wishing the water could just wash everything away.
All he could think of were the 'what if?'s. What if he hadn't left? What if he had come back sooner? What if he had said something differently, what if he had changed something?
…No. No, he couldn't live like that, questioning everything, constantly looking back to the past in a futile attempt to change the future.
Forcing himself to stand, he took in his surroundings and almost fell back down in shock. He was in the park… The park where he and Rogue shared so many memories. Remy grimaced – they were only his memories now, only he knew about them. Did that make him insane, having such clear recollections that only existed in his mind, and his alone?
He shook his head violently, as if trying to remove the thoughts by force. Then he ran out of the park – he couldn't stay there a second longer.
- X -
Remy's apartment was nice, but not very large. It made him marvel at how long it took to go through all his possessions, weeding out the ones that had any connections to Rogue.
The Professor had told him to gather any belongings he had that could be associated with her – gifts, photos, anything he could think of – and bring them back with him later. That way, if Remy went through with the procedure, he wouldn't find any strange items having to do with her that would be unexplainable.
The first things he had found were photos of him and his chère – he had stopped and stared at them for ages, amazed at how happy they both looked. That seemed so far away now. Remy let himself get lost in his thoughts of what had happened on those days – the pair cramming into a photo booth, or Kitty sneaking up on them with her digital camera… But then he frowned and quickly shoved them aside. He didn't want to remember.
Throwing the pictures in a large green garbage bag, he tried to move through the rest rapidly – some of Rogue's sketches, a pair of boxers she bought for him as a joke, and various other small gifts joined the photos in the bag. Then his hand wrapped around the chain Rogue had given him for their anniversary – it had hung around his neck ever since he had gotten it, he had never removed it. Slowly running his fingers over it, he contemplated that fact, and then ripped it off. The clasp went flying across the room, and he threw the chain in his pile of discarded goods.
Remy almost forgot the last item – he was so used to having it with him wherever he went. Reaching into his trench coat pocket, he pulled out the special deck of cards Rogue had bought him for his birthday. Playing with them whenever he missed her had become a habit of his – and that only made him toss them in the bag all the quicker. He had missed her so much, the thought of coming back to her was what had kept him going over the past few months – but now that was shattered. Now he was alone.
Looking around his apartment, he scanned for anything else he would have to get rid of. It was hard, everything reminded him of Rogue – the bed, where they made love so many times… the couch, where they made love so many times… the shower, where they made love so many times… He very well couldn't take those with him. What about things like silk, that always made him think of Rogue's soft skin? Or emeralds, that always made him envision her eyes? What would he think of every time he saw those things?
Then it hit him. He wouldn't think of anything, because he wouldn't have any memories connecting them to Rogue. In fact, he wouldn't even know who Rogue was. He contemplated that for a few seconds – could he really wipe out such a huge part of his life?
He wanted to hate her. He wanted to blame her for everything – for erasing him, for dating Pietro, for causing him all this pain… But at the same time, his heart couldn't bare that kind of loathing against her – it still wanted her to come back to him, for her to hold him in her arms and smother him with her gentle kisses. Those warring feelings were tearing Remy apart inside, and he wanted them to stop.
Remy tried to ignore those loving, yearning emotions. It only took one look back at the lack of recognition in Rogue's eyes, or her walking away holding Pietro's hand, and he found his mind already made up. He couldn't live like that, haunted by knowledge only he had, always taunted by the sight of his love in the arms of another.
If she could erase him so callously… Well, so could he.
- X -
It was late, and the Professor's mood was beginning to look up. Gambit still hadn't returned - hopefully he had truly realized what the outcome of his actions would be. However, his mood plummeted once more when a garbage bag was suddenly thrown onto the chair in front of him. Looking up, he saw Gambit silently climb in through the window.
"You've made your decision, then?" sighed Charles, hoping to have one more attempt to convince the young man otherwise.
"'M here, ain't I?" countered Remy, walking over to sit on the couch.
"Mr. LeBeau, I know you think this is the right choice to make, but I beg to you reconsider," Xavier pleaded, wishing for a way to reach the Cajun. "Consider what you wish to do – you will be completely obliterating Rogue, the woman you claim to love, from your mind. Can you live with that?"
"I won' have t'," came the rebuttal.
The Professor opened his mouth to continue his argument, but Remy cut him off. "Non, not'in' y' can say will change m' mind. It hurts, it hurts a hell o' a lot, an' I can't live wit' it. Maybe dat makes m' a hypocrite f'r wantin' de easy way out too, but at least I can admit it, an' I don' care. I jus' wan' dis done, so let's get goin'."
"Very well," the Professor consented disappointedly, and wheeled himself over to the head of the couch. "Lie down."
Remy stretched himself out on the sofa as instructed, and asked, "So how dis gonna work?"
"The mind is an interesting place, Mr. LeBeau. It is like a web, with memories and feelings connected to each other. I will start with your memories of this event here – that will connect back to your most recent memory of Rogue, and then on to others from there. It will work backwards, each memory having built on the one previous, until we will be back at your very first recollection of her. She will be erased from everything, but the core of the memories will remain, so you will not have suddenly lost a year of your life. Do you understand?"
"Oui," came the tense reply.
"If you are ready, we can begin. All I need you to do is concentrate on your thoughts of our conversations today."
"All righ'."
"I have to ask one more time, Remy… Are you absolutely positive about this?"
As he replayed his arguments with the Professor, the hurt resurfaced again. He once again pictured Rogue smiling at Pietro instead of him, and his resolve was made even more ironclad. "Oui. Do it."
Silently wishing that he would be forgiven for what he was about to do, Charles Xavier entered the mind of Remy LeBeau.
Hate to do this to you guys (wait… no I don't!), but looks like their relationship is really going down the drain! Sigh…
Next chapter – Inside the mind of Mr. LeBeau!
In the meantime… More reviews, pretty please? Counting some email reviews I got, we beat 100, which is just ducky! But not enough… It's never enough… bwa ha ha! Oh yeah, I'm obsessed. But I love you guys! ;-)
Toodles,
- ish -