Disclaimer: If I owned the X-Men, Rogue and Remy would be married, Scott would be dead, and I'd be living in a mansion with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom right now. Since I'm not (sigh!), I think you can all guess what that means.
A/N: I just saw the Cure last night! Squeal! I'm still in the best of moods… They were so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully pretty! My stars, I want Robert Smith to have my babies!
Orage, Star-of-Chaos, SweetRevenge151, Alyxandria, Peace215, demiducky25, coolchick, flowerperson, TheRealMai, pyros-gal, Raven2687, Dreamcatcher89, enchantedlight, RoguesTale, heartsyhawk, darkstorm5000, Rogue Pryde, Pyro Lady, crazyspaceystracey, and Rogue4787 – As always, thanks for the lovely reviews! All I can offer is my sincere and never-ending gratitude… But that's lame. So give yourself something nice!
Neurotic Temptress – I knew you'd remember the boxers! Then again, who wouldn't?
PomegranateQueen – The heart-wrenching story of your poor fish got to me, so of course I'll beta for you! Well, I'd do it anyway, regardless of you regaling me with tales of fish or not. Email me whenever, I'd be glad to do it.
UniversalAnimeGirl – Once again I'll compliment you on your review, and continue the cycle. Hah, loved the 'awe inspiring' pun, it made me laugh out loud. I can't see another couple being as sappy either, but I suppose I'm a bit biased, huh? As for Rogue's seductive behaviour, I definitely think Remy would break her out of her shell – lucky girl…
Calliann – Ah, as a fellow contact-wearer, I understand the need for tears – but that doesn't mean I like the sadness that causes them! And yet I can't count the number of times I've spent all day reading fics, only to have my eyes dry out, making it impossible to even blink… Maybe fanfics are hazardous to my health.
PsychoRomyChica – I believe Remy got blinded by his own card… As for which issue, I have no clue, sorry. I don't often read the comics, isn't that crazy? I get angry when things I think should happen don't, or things that shouldn't happen do, hence the fanfics! That way I can make my own fun. ;-)
SickmindedSucker – I am wearing sleeves now, but I'll have to delay the trick a bit. But you're right, it is there!
angyxoxo – Since I'm still smarting from your horrendously depressing update, here it is: One day, angyxoxo wrote a terribly sad fic, where bad things happened. It made ish sad… But thanks to the karmic forces of the universe, angy died a horribly miserable death, Rogue and Remy lived happily ever after, Belladonna was tormented in the fiery depths of hell for all eternity, and ish was happy once again! Huzzah. Oh yeah, that was cathartic. Moving on, I shall join you in your Bitter Single Hag Club – I guess I'm living vicariously through my fic. Hey, were you aware that in both reviews you left me, you called Remy a bozo and wanted to punch him? I just thought that was droll… I didn't really have a point in mentioning that.
Just to let you know, there are some sexual situations in this chapter, but nothing explicit – sorry all those who would've liked a lemon (I sure wouldn't mind!), but I really didn't feel like changing the rating. Now that that's said and done, I bet you'll all itching to read it, so don't let me stop you! ;-)
Loved and Lost, or Never At All?
Chapter 12 – Hard
"No memory of having starred atones for later disregard, or keeps the end from being hard." - Robert Frost
His apartment was dark, save for the glow from the candles around the room – they illuminated the couple, and their shadows flickered eerily on the walls. Rose petals were scattered all over, on the bed and on the floor, and Rogue and Remy danced on them. There was no music, only Remy humming softly while they swayed to the made-up tune.
"I wanted t' make dis romantic f'r y, chère," he said to Rogue as he held her. "I wanted t' make it special…"
"It is, Rem," she replied, lifting her head off his chest to place a kiss on his lips. "Cause Ah'm with yah."
His arm around her waist drew her closer to him, as the pair continued to dance – it didn't matter that Remy had stopped his song, it only mattered that they were in each other's grasp, moving together. They weren't truly dancing, just gently rocking back and forth while emotions flitted between them, but that was irrelevant.
"We'll take dis slow… If y' wanna stop, jus' tell me, d'accord? (okay?)" he whispered in her ear, and she nodded. It would be her first time, and he didn't want to rush her, to scare her… Remy wanted it to be wonderful, not awkward like his first time had been.
Stepping back slightly to look into her emerald eyes, Remy found love and desire within their depths, as well as traces of nervousness. He was nervous as well – in the few weeks that had passed since Rogue gained control, he had been getting her used to the idea of skin on skin contact. He held her bare hand everywhere they went, he constantly leaned in for kisses, he found every excuse possible to touch her… And she had finally stopped flinching away like she had been so accustomed to doing. Now he could finally physically show her how much he loved her, not just through words and gestures.
Giving her a reassuring smile, he leaned in to softly caress her lips. As they kissed, his hands trailed down her body, to rest at her waist. His fingers played with the hem of her shirt before pulling it off over her head, parting their mouths.
Remy kept his eyes locked with Rogue's, and his knees wobbled with all the trust that shone in them. She was placing herself completely in his hands, and he wouldn't disappoint her.
Kissing her again, he diligently worked to remove the rest of her clothes, dropping them to the floor. When Remy pulled back, he was nearly speechless at the lily-white goddess standing in front of him – she was the most belle thing he had ever had the privilege of seeing… He felt like he should bow down and worship her, in every way possible.
"Mon Dieu, chère… Y're… Dieu, y're perfect," he breathed, running his eyes up and down her body, causing Rogue to blush in response.
Reaching for her hands, Remy brought them to his chest, prompting her to unbutton his shirt. She seemed to grow bolder as she went on, taking his shirt off his broad shoulders and running a hand across his torso. As Rogue slowly stripped him of this remaining apparel, he found himself hard-pressed not to tremble under the intense gaze she was giving him.
Stepping towards her, he kissed her, their bare bodies pressing together. Never breaking apart, they moved towards the bed, where Remy lay Rogue down before sitting beside her.
A shy smile played on her face as she ran a gentle hand over him, exploring his skin, the newfound world recently opened to her. He moaned quietly, enjoying the torture Rogue was bringing upon him as her soft, light strokes began to tickle him… Until she frowned, and sat up.
"What's de matter, chère?" asked Remy, confused.
He followed her vision – it was locked onto a scar on his chest, that she was tracing with her fingers.
"How'd yah get that, sugah?"
He closed his eyes to the bad memories that began to flow as he recalled the answer. "Dat was from a Guild fight, years ago… An Assassin stabbed me."
His eyes opened again when Remy felt warmth against the old wound. Rogue had leaned in and kissed it, tenderly caressing it with her smooth lips. Then her hands continued along, moving up to his shoulder where they ran over another scar. "And this one?"
"Got dat durin' a trainin' exercise wit' de Acolytes…"
She kissed it as well, and continued her inspection. Rogue trailed her fingers over every inch of him, reading every twist and turn of his body like a blind man would read Braille, managing to find every scar, mark, and blemish. Every time, she asked him how he received it, and every time, he answered her truthfully – from his contract with Magneto, to his jobs with the Guild, to his life on the streets as a child, to some tiny shaving nicks. He replied without hesitation, because she kissed each one without hesitation – there was no judgement, only acceptance, and Remy couldn't recall ever having that before. He felt redeemed – Rogue had redeemed him, emancipating him from his past, delivering him from his previous sins… She had found every hurt, every ache, and made it better, and he wanted to do the same.
Starting at her feet, his hands began to rove up her body. She was so much softer than he ever could have imagined – he knew that she thought her layers of clothing had shut her off from the world, but he liked to think that they also protected her skin from harm, that they saved it for him, as selfish as that was. She was pale all over, with a few moles and a birthmark on her hip that he stopped to kiss… She was flawless, for which Remy was glad - he didn't want any mementos of his chère hurting.
He trailed up her chest, around her collarbone, and down her arms… But then he froze. His gaze was stuck on some faint lines on the underside of her wrist. Reaching for her other hand, Remy could see matching blemishes there too. They were old, pale pink, and fading away, but they scared him like nothing else had.
"Rogue?" he questioned quietly, looking up at her.
She sighed and stared at the sheets, unable to meet his gaze. "Ah started cuttin' after Ah found out about Mystique betrayin' meh, when Ah moved in with th' X-Men… Ah was hurt, an' Ah thought Ah was alone, that Ah had nobody…" Rogue started to explain, ashamed.
"But y' stopped, right?" Remy asked with baited breath.
"Yeah. Things got better."
Bringing her wrists up to his face, he showered the scars with kisses. "'M so sorry I couldn't be dere f'r y', Rogue," he murmured between kisses. "I wish I could've met y' sooner, I could've been dere f'r y'…"
Logically Remy knew that he couldn't change or control the past, but that didn't stop him from wanting to, or from feeling guilty that he wasn't able to help her. He knew that she had been through so much - it must have been so hard for her, but he couldn't believe what she had resorted to… It tore him up inside.
"Remy, please don't feel bad," she consoled him, cupping his face with her hands. "Yah're here fo' meh now."
"I always will be," he swore, drawing her closer to him.
He proceeded to show her exactly how much he loved her, showing her exactly how good skin on skin contact could be… Remy focused solely on her, on making her gasp and shiver and moan in ecstasy. They made love so sweetly, so tenderly… When they lay entwined in the afterglow, he knew that they had been branded on each other's hearts forever.
He pulled Rogue closer, her resting her head on his chest, able to hear his heartbeat return to its normal pace. With his arms around her body and their legs tangled together, Remy could feel her warmth permeating him. He could feel every breath she took, and he knew he could never let her go.
Then the candles around the room simultaneously flickered – the light began to recede.
Reaching for the silk sheets, he pulled them up and over their hands, cocooning them both, hiding them from the dimming room. Clutching Rogue, holding on to her for all he was worth, Remy silently wished, 'Please don' take her from me…'
She curled up to him even tighter, murmuring contentedly, blissfully unaware in her slumber. All he could do was stay steadfast in his embrace, thinking of her, concentrating on her not fading away. He dropped little kisses on her hairline, pleased as she smiled happily in her sleep, hoping it would last...
Nothing happened.
She was still there… Rogue was still there with him.
Remy gave a sigh of relief. He relaxed slightly, closing his eyes and burying his hands in her hair, when suddenly they dropped. Jerking in fright, he opened his eyes and saw she was gone. Scrounging around under the blanket, he frantically tried to reach for her.
"Rogue?" he cried out, voice sounding muffled. "Chère?"
Attempting to throw the sheet off him, Remy found that he couldn't - it tangled around him, he couldn't get out… Turning over, he crawled around under the blanket, trying to search for Rogue in the darkness, trying to reach the edge of the bed so he could get out… He couldn't, it was like there was no end to his bed, to the sheets, or to the torture he had foolishly brought upon himself.
Screaming in frustration, Remy threw himself face down onto his bed and waited.
- X -
He was walking along a trail in the woods on the edge of Xavier's property. It didn't look particularly well-worn – it seemed that not many people made this trek. Remy wasn't quite sure why he was taking it either, but he was looking for Rogue, and he decided this was as good a place to look as any.
He followed the path until it led to a grassy clearing, on a small cliff over the lake. It was a beautiful view, even further enhanced by Rogue sitting under a tree.
She hadn't noticed him yet – she was writing, in what Remy guessed was her diary. He smiled at how she bit her lip as she scribbled. It was one of the many mannerisms about her he found adorable – he always noticed the little things about her, such as how she grasped her coffee mugs with both hands, or how she would tap her fingers against her leg to the beat of a song she liked.
He walked over to her, the blades of grass muffling his footsteps – he tried to move loudly, so as not to scare her and have her snap at him, but his training as a thief had engrained stealth into him so deeply that he found it impossible.
Only when Remy sat down beside her did Rogue notice him. Looking up at him, she scooted over almost imperceptibly, allowing more space to fall between them. Remy noticed this and began to frown, but caught himself merrily – with Rogue, you had to know when to push and when to back off, and his gut told him that now was a time to simply let her be.
"Bonjour, chère," he greeted her.
"Hey, Remy," she smiled back, closing her book. "What are yah doin' here?"
"Lookin' f'r y'." He was always looking for her – he had finally realized that whenever he went out, his eyes instinctively searched through crowds for auburn hair with white stripes, hoping for a chance meeting – it had just taken Remy a long time to admit it to himself.
"Well, how'd yah find meh?"
He blinked. "Not really sure… Just felt I should go dis way, an' here y' are!"
"What, are yah psychic now?" Rogue joked.
"Just wit' y', Roguey. Dere's a connection b'tween us…" That would certainly clarify some things, like how he could always locate her… Although it created some more questions as well, ones that he had less certain answers too.
"Oh, really?" she drawled with a raised eyebrow.
"Mais, oui (But, yes)," he replied. "How else would y' explain us always runnin' int' each ot'er, always findin' de ot'er?"
Rogue didn't answer. She only shook her head with a small smile, one that gave Remy hope, as she looked down at the book in her lap.
"Y' writin' 'bout Remy in dat diary, chère?" he questioned, following her gaze.
"It's not a diary, it's a journal," she sniffed. "An' if yah must know, Ah am. But Ah write about everythin', so don't feel too special."
"Oh, really?" Remy smirked, raising a brow. That tidbit of information greatly cheered him up, knowing that he warranted being written about.
"Really."
"What about m' do y' have in dere, exactly?"
"Lots of stuff."
"Like?" he prodded. He wondered what Rogue's innermost thoughts about him were… Her journal was her most trusted confidant, keeping her secrets safe without fear of judgement or consequence – he ached to know her feelings about him, those that she would never fully disclose due to the barriers she constructed around herself, keeping people away… It worked with others, but not with him. If anything, it made Remy all the more determined to break past them.
"Well, pretty much everythin' since yah started harassin' meh is in here," Rogue admitted with an embarrassed grin, an uncharacteristic confession that made Remy wonder if that barrier was not as insurmountable as previously thought. "All our dates an' stuff, th' sweet things yah say to meh… In fact, Ah think Ah'm gonna stick in what yah said about th' connection, that was nice."
Reaching for her pen, she began to write. Remy didn't try to read her words, knowing she would probably smack him with the book – but also, he respected her too much to invade her privacy like that. Instead, he focused on her again, watching as her hand ran over the page, as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear… His spirit soared knowing that Rogue cared so much about him, immortalizing him in her writings so often.
"Lemme guess… Most o' it's descriptions of m' sexy, chiselled body, henh?" he teased as she finished her latest transcription.
"Yeah, right," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"I t'ink dat's a 'yes'," he laughed. "Any mentions o' what y'd like t' do t' m' sexy, chiselled body?"
As soon as he spoke those words, Remy realized his mistake. The joyful light in her eyes dimmed, and Rogue looked down to the grass with a frown. He felt like kicking himself for reminding her of the things she wasn't able to do.
"'M sorry, chère," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her. She tensed, but then relaxed into his embrace. "Dat was stupid o' me."
"It's okay," she muttered.
"Non, it's not okay. I hate t' see y' like dis, Rogue."
"Ah hate bein' like this, so Ah guess we're even."
"Den don' be like dis, 'kay? Let's keep workin' at it." He scooted over to be in front of Rogue, and sat down facing her. "Come on, Roguey, y' can do it, I know y' can."
She grimaced, exasperated. "We don't even know if it'll work!"
"We won't know 'til we try," he firmly said. "So let's try again. Y're close, we can bot' feel it, admit it!"
"Fine," she sighed, crossing her legs and closing her eyes. She took deep, slow, calming breaths as she started to meditate.
Remy watched her sitting there serenely. She would go inside her mind, into her subconscious, during these sessions and try to soothe the psyches – they weren't sure if it would have the desired effect, but it was worth a try. If nothing, it would at least grant her tranquility in her own mind. After her few previous attempts, Rogue had told him that they were much calmer – now her goal was to quiet them completely.
Remy prayed it would work – it wasn't for his sake, so he could finally touch her… No, it was only for her. He hated when she flinched away from his touch, or looked away from other couples kissing or holding hands… It pained him to see her hurt.
"Y' can do it, chère," he whispered, clasping her hands with his. He wasn't sure if she could hear him – she didn't like to go into details about what exactly went on during these sessions, they took a lot out of her. Still, he liked to think that his words of encouragement helped, and that he helped. "Just t'ink about what we have t'get'er, dat we trust each ot'er… We're meant t' be, don' let yo' mutation get in de way, y're too stubborn f'r dat."
He sat there, watching her, waiting. Remy wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her, to finally feel her skin on his, but he restrained himself. Rogue was adamant about not touching him until they were sure about her control – she had never absorbed him, and she was determined to keep it that way. He had volunteered to be the test subject when her psyches had first quieted, but she stopped him. She refused to hurt him, and he didn't want to put her through an accident like that. He knew the guilt would eat her alive, even though he had told her repeatedly that being knocked out was worth her touch – and he meant it, too.
He kept watching, not sure of how much time had passed – that didn't really matter. Both of them were still, until finally, Rogue's lips twitched. A small smile had formed… Remy knew then, from that little sign, that she had done it – she had pacified her mind. Now, the only question was, would it allow her to touch?
He removed his gloves – he had begun wearing them around Rogue, to make her more comfortable. Now he began to reach for her face – a feeling inside of him told him it would be all right, that same feeling that had told him where to look for her. Remy trusted his instincts – if you couldn't trust yourself, then who could you trust? So he touched her, cupping her face gently with his bare hands without a second thought.
Nothing happened.
There was no absorption, no feeling of his soul being pulled out, no pain – just her soft skin under his.
He was amazed. Remy traced his fingers along her jaw line in awe, astounded that she had finally done it, incredulous of the fact that the skin of any mortal creature could feel so smooth… He grinned, happy and wide, just taking in all the feelings and sensations, only then noticing that Rogue's eyes had opened.
She stared at him in shock, green eyes wide. They followed his arm, to where his hand was touching her. When she saw what was happening – or more specifically, what wasn't – she gasped, a hand flying to her mouth in surprise.
Remy just smiled at her, taking her hands in his. "Look at dat, mon amour," he said, voice thick – he hadn't even noticed that he had called her his love, when he had been agonizing over admitting the true extent of his feelings for her. "Y' did it, Rogue, I knew y' could…"
Tears began to well in her eyes, and Rogue began to laugh. Her laughter quickly turned into sobs, and she threw herself at Remy, wrapping her arms around his neck – for once, they didn't have to be cautious.
He held her, bringing her onto his lap, murmuring soothing words in her ear, until she stopped crying. Then he pulled back, placing his face just inches away from hers. No words were spoken, they just looked deep in each other's eyes – Remy saw all of her emotions swirling within them, and he couldn't wait a second longer.
He moved in slowly and touched his lips to hers, caressing them gently. He marvelled at how soft and warm they were, and he felt deprived when he forced himself to stop – he didn't want to rush her, or scare her off.
Rogue looked dazed. Remy had to grin, and then moved back in. It seemed that her surprise had worn off, and she responded this time – she pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. His tongue ran over her lips, asking for entrance, and Rogue granted it – he lightly massaged her tongue at first, and then she grew more confident, making the kiss grow more and more passionate.
When they broke away for air, they were both panting. "Wow," Rogue whispered.
"Wow," agreed Remy, before planting quick kisses all over her face.
"Remy!" she shrieked, playfully swatting him. "What are yah doin'?"
"We've got lots o' time t' make up f'r, chère," he informed her between kisses. "'M goin' t' kiss y' f'r all de times I wanted t' but couldn't. Dat's a hell o' a lot, so y're goin' t' be here a while, 'kay?"
Rogue chuckled and relented. As they were locked together, Remy knew that he was already addicted to the feel of her skin next to his, and her lips touching his.
Dozens of kisses later, he pulled away and grinned. "Dis goin' in yo' journal, chère?"
"Every second of it," she declared.
"Good… An' I got somet'in' else y' can add, too," Remy told her, his voice cracking with nervousness.
"What's that?"
Gathering up his courage, Remy blurted out, "I love y' Rogue."
Her eyes widened, and she stared at him for a few seconds – a few seconds that scared Remy, making him think that she wouldn't reciprocate. Now that she could touch, what was to stop her from touching somebody else, somebody who had a respectable past, somebody who could assure her a decent future?
When after what seemed like ages Rogue replied, "Ah love yah too, Remy", relief flooded through his system, and his fear was quelled – he hauled her closer to him, and crushed her in an enveloping hug.
He couldn't believe it… He had finally managed to tell her – he had never uttered those three little words before, and he knew that he would never speak them again, unless they were directed to her. Remy's heart was soaring with happiness… But then the feeling promptly plummeted.
This just made what was happening all the harder. Knowing that he had felt such love, and reliving it, made his memories all the more difficult to get rid of.
"Chère," Remy began, a question popping into his head. "Do y' t'ink dat erasin' yo' memories would also erase yo' control?"
Rogue frowned, pondering the answer. "Probably," she shrugged. "Ah must've really been in pain to give that up, huh?"
"Oui," he croaked, dropping his head onto her shoulder.
She gave up control over her powers, the one thing she had wanted most in her life… That made him feel even worse. He had been selfish, focusing on his own pain, but he had caused her so much as well… Remy gave a long, hefty sigh and just sat there with Rogue, not doing anything to stop her or the scenery from fading around him.
He didn't want this memory. He didn't want a reminder of Rogue's hurt… He didn't want a reminder of how much he had hurt her.
I bet you all are really annoyed with me – I give you fluff, and then finish it off with an angsty ending each time… Sigh. Well, at least know that I'm right there with you, feeling all sad and such!
Next chapter – Remy versus a stuffed bear!
A call to arms! Well, more specifically, a call to review! Come on everybody, drop me a line – especially those of you who are sneaking around reading but haven't reviewed yet! Let me know how I'm doing.
Toodles,
- ish -