Disclaimer: Everybody repeat after me: I do not own the X-Men!
A/N: Well, I've been quite motivated lately, wanting to churn out the chapters before my workload really starts to pile up. So here we go, a new update, and hopefully another will be up by the end of the week! Of course, now that I said that, I've probably jinxed myself…
Star-of-Chaos, demiducky25, Orage, xpoisonedxangelx, TheDreamerLady, perturbedpercy, mad-eye, Ms. Rogue LeBeau, Silver Ink, enchantedlight, heartsyhawk, Gothic-Rogue Lebeau, EviltwinAlix, Rogue4787, untouchablegoth, Sweety8587, Boots, flowerperson, Rogue14, darkstorm5000, Blackroguefillie, and Dreamcatcher89 – Oh, my lovely reviewers, where would I be without you? Well, probably sitting in front of my computer wondering where all my reviewers had gone… So thanks, all! You always make my day.
giggleboxsam – Gosh, I'm flattered! But hah, if I'm not busy, oh, that's rich… I wish there were 50 hours in a day, I really do. If you're thinking of a full-fledged collaboration then there's probably no way I'd have time, but if you want a sounding board for ideas, or a beta, I might be able to swing that. ;-)
angyxoxo – You're so very angry at my characters, they're frightened! Hmm, you love Pietro, eh? Well, we'll just have to see how you feel about him after what I'm gonna have him do… (ish laughs maniacally)
Eileen Blazer – When you mentioned that they were getting to know each other, I actually burst out into song before you wrote that you did – wow, we're on the same train! And when you're looking for stuff, it's always in the last place you look because after that, you stop looking. ;-)
Adri – Hah, you can't stop being my best friend, cuz I'll stop being your's first! Nya nya…
Raven2687 – I hate typing with wet nails! It always ends in tears.
Lightspeed Suzuka – Haven't read it, but it sure gives me hope that their relationship finally works out, eh? Huzzah!
SweetRevenge151 – Okay, looks like you kept to the pact since you've already posted the epilogue, but don't think that gets you out of our agreement! I'll be expecting more stuff from you, missy. ;-) And yes, with a loved-up Remy – sleaziness isn't as fun, it's not as conducive to squealing and awwing and other fun stuff like that.
Goddess Evie – I just couldn't resist a dig at Jean, I had to do it! And alternating sounds good – we'll just make sure we'll have to have lots of naked Remy opportunities, okay? That way we both win. (grin!)
ASGT and Kat Maximoff – Banned?! You're so right, I won't surive! Damn, what will I do now? But you know, that little teaser you sent only makes it worse, cuz now I'm so intensely twitchy, wanting to know what happens… Curses! And hey… 'special' – just how do you mean that?
Calliann – Just a suggestion, but you may want swimming lessons before reading this chapter…
EE's Skysong – I didn't answer cuz it's so much more fun to leave you all in suspense! Bwa ha ha.
Okay, here it is, what most of you have been dreading, what others have been waiting for, and who knows, maybe some of you fit into both categories! The point is, it's finally here, Remy's last memory of Rogue. Dun dun duhh! Cue the dramatic music!
Loved and Lost, or Never At All?
Chapter 18 – Darkness
"Love and memory last and will so endure 'till the game is called because of darkness." – Gene Fowler
As soon as Gambit glanced around and found himself in the warehouse again, he somehow knew. He just knew that this was it, this was the beginning… Only a short time ago he had looked upon this with such fond recollection – it had been their first meeting, the start of something wonderful. Sparks had flown between them, chemistry had bubbled, attraction had brewed, even though it had taken Remy so long to fully realize the extent of it. Now he couldn't let it go, not when it had grown into something so perfect, so amazing!
He panicked. 'Non, dis can't just be de end!' he thought desperately. He didn't know what else to do – whatever he had tried had been in vain. Things were bleak, but that wouldn't prevent him from trying one last time.
He took off running through the high piles of boxes, for once not making an effort to stay silent – he didn't need stealth, he needed speed. Left. Right. Straight. Left. Remy wove his way through the maze, with only one thing, one objective, one person in mind – Rogue.
He saw her shadow fall on the ground ahead of him, revealing her position on the other side of the crate as she attempted to sneak up on whom she had once considered her enemy. Relief coursed through him – she was still here, she wasn't gone yet! There was still an opportunity to save this, and if that was impossible… Then there would be time left to say goodbye.
As he moved towards her, Remy couldn't help but think back to how this had really happened. He could barely believe that such a meeting, its purpose being hostility and aggression, would lead to love – it was the very last thing the thief had been expecting when he took the contract with Magneto, and it had blindsided him. Literally.
That day, when he looked Rogue in the face, when he got lost in her eyes… It came out of nowhere. He didn't see it coming. But, Remy supposed, that was the nature of love. It was bitterly ironic then, that he could see that very love slipping away right in front of him.
Fighting back the instinctive urge to replay the memory as it had originally occurred, Remy sped around the corner and swooped Rogue up into a tight embrace. He wouldn't let this play out like the first time – if this was it, he was going to do it his way, the way that he knew he should have done it. Now he had the chance – he wasn't going to let himself follow along and relive that situation, no, not this time.
He just had to hold her, because if this was it (and he prayed it wasn't), then he couldn't have it end without feeling her in his arms once more. It didn't matter if it was real or not – Remy could feel her warmth against him, her heart beating against his, and it was his own reality, one better than facing the actual one outside of his mind where Rogue no longer knew who he was.
Bending his head, Remy caught Rogue's lips with his. Her kisses always managed to make him forget his problems, they always managed to wipe away pain and hurt – but this time, even her soft caresses couldn't push away the guilt, the regret, and the dread that consumed him. But oh, how he wished that were possible…
He kissed her passionately, pulling her close, forcing himself to focus wholly on her scent, her texture, her taste, because deep down, a part of him knew it would soon be lost to him forever.
Silent tears streamed down Remy's face as their mouths broke apart, and he leaned his forehead against Rogue's. "I can't let y' go… I won't let y' go, chère," he wept. "Dis was a mistake, Dieu, dis was such a horrible mistake…"
That was an understatement, and he knew it. He was so foolish, so stupid, for doing this, he knew that now! He had wanted the easy way out, he had wanted to spite Rogue and not have to deal with the pain of living every day knowing that she had erased him, that he meant so little to her…
But this wasn't the answer. The hurt of knowing she had purposely forgotten him seemed insignificant compared to the excruciating agony of having her ripped from him like this – now he was truly losing her, losing his love, and all the memories they had built together. There would be no falling back on happy times in moments of sadness… There would just be nothing. A void.
Emptiness.
Dammit, why couldn't he have understood all this before? It would have been agonizing to see Rogue with Pietro, to see that unfamiliarity in her eyes when she looked at him, but at least he would have had their memories! It had seemed difficult then, knowing he would have to remember her and be reminded of her hurtful actions, but when he compared it to this – this impossible, incomprehensible pain – it would have been effortless, it would have even been welcome!
"Looks like we've both made mistakes, Rem," Rogue mumbled from his grasp, in a weak attempt to comfort him. "Ah know it sounds lame, but th' only thing we can do is learn from 'em."
"Oh, believe me, chère, I've learned," he scoffed dolefully. "I've learned what an idiot I was, I've learned how much y' really mean t' me… I've learned dat what y' did shouldn' have mattered! I shouldn' have done dis t' get back at y' - merde, I was jus' so angry, so hurt… I was too upset t' t'ink it t'rough, I jus' blamed y', I didn' want t' have dose t'oughts o' y' just wipin' me away like I was not'in'… I didn' t'ink how y' must've felt, or what dis would be like. I know now, an' I wish I could go back an' change it, I'd do it all differently!"
In retrospect, there were countless things Remy would alter – he should have been more stubborn, he should have tried to win Rogue back! Surely if it was manageable once, it was possible again… He shouldn't have been so infuriated with her, he knew now that it was his fault. He should have told her about Belladonna from the start. He should have been nicer to her from the start! They could have had more time together, who knows how things would have worked out then? Certainly not like this… He should have kissed her the first second he ever saw her, like he just had now, instead of stupidly handing her a charged card! To hell with whatever consequences it would have entailed, a coma would have been well worth it – anything would have been worth changing this ending… But nothing could be done about it now.
"Maybe yah can do it differently," Rogue whispered with a mysterious smile, contradicting his deduction, as she cupped the side of his face with a small hand.
Before he could ask her what she meant, before he could procure any hope from her words, Remy noticed the warehouse darkening. There was no fog this time, only pitch-black shadows slowly creeping towards them, and he knew what was coming. A frantic fear seized him like never before, and he pulled Rogue even closer to him.
There was nowhere to run to now, the building and the scenery around them had begun to fade away while the blackness surrounded them, coming ever closer. In one last desperate attempt, Remy focused on another memory, but nothing happened – they couldn't leave, they couldn't get away!
It was too late.
"'M so sorry, Rogue," he told her, looking directly into those emerald eyes, the very same that had captivated him from the start. He tried not to let his voice crack, but failed – just like he had failed to keep her. "I told y' dat I'd love y' forever, but looks like I lied…"
She gave him a sad smile. "That's okay, sugah. Ah forgive yah."
Remy gave a wry smirk, which then quickly faded into a frown. He had heard that smiling took less exertion than frowning, but it didn't seem that way now – for him it would have taken a monumental effort. Besides, this was no smiling matter. "I fo'give y' too, chère. I know now dat it was hard f'r y', an' I know dat y' must've gone t'rough dis same hell too…"
Rogue laughed cheerlessly, while beginning to cry silently. "Quite th' pair, ain't we?" she murmured, as the dark moved closer.
"Oui, we were," Remy agreed with a sigh. "It just… Just seemed so right, henh? We fit. Like we were made f'r each ot'er… I t'ought it was perfect, but dat sure was wrong."
"No, yah're wrong now, Rem," she told him bravely, valiantly trying to stay strong for him. "It was perfect, it was right. We were made fo' each other, an' if that's true, then maybe we can have it again."
"I never knew y' t' be dis optimistic, chère." He wanted to believe her so badly…
"Ah'm just tellin' yah what yah need to hear," she replied with a sniffle. "But who knows? Just try an' remember, 'kay? That's all yah can do now, just try yer best."
He saw the look in her eyes, on he had seen so often – it was all the faith she had in him, and it shone so brightly. It motivated him, it made him strive to be better, to succeed at whatever it was that she believed he could do – but now it just made his heart break even more, because he knew he wouldn't be able to. He would be letting her, and himself, down.
He didn't tell her that he wouldn't be able to. He wouldn't have his last seconds with her be wrought with disappointment. Instead, Remy kissed her one final time, trying to let all the love that he felt for her shine through. Their lips stroked each other's, their breath and tears intermingled. They didn't break contact, remaining steadfast in their embrace – he refused to move away from her at all, not even a fraction of an inch, not even to say goodbye. He wouldn't say it… He couldn't. That would be making it real, making it final.
The blackness enclosed them, swallowing the warehouse around them. This was it.
They stayed together, they continued touching until the end, when finally Remy could no longer feel any kisses. His support gone, he fell to his knees – he beat the cement floor with his fists, not registering that pain, while he screamed and shouted and cursed in anguish.
He cried, cried like he never had before, the tears drenching his face, the gasps making it hard to breathe. He cried, not caring about his pride or his ego or his image, only for everything he had lost – his love, his happiness, his soul mate…
His weeps and wails reverberated eerily around him, and then he heard her. She sounded so far away, like an echo about to die out.
"Hmm, maybe Ah shouldn't ever leave yah alone then, if yah keep attractin' annoyin' girls…"
"Ah just found out that mah boyfriend is engaged to another woman! People don't exactly take that kind of news well!"
"Yah're blockin' th' view, swamp rat!"
"Ah don't know why Ah put up with yah!"
"Aww, don't worry sugah, Ah'll kiss 'em better later."
"Ah write about everythin', so don't feel too special."
"Yah know, yah ain't that bad when yah're not bein' obnoxious."
"Rogue?" Remy called out weakly yet hopefully, searching around – there was nothing to be seen. She didn't reply.
"Ah want yah to leave meh alone!"
"Ah think we could give it a try… Ah'll be yer girlfriend."
"Ah've got better things to do than spend time with one o' Bucket-Head's lackeys!"
"Ah love yah, Remy."
Her voice became progressively quieter, until it finally faded all together. She was gone… It was over. Through his wet eyes, Remy could see nothing. With one final sob, he let the shadows wash over him, and then there was only darkness.
"Meet meh at th' café..."
- X -
Professor Xavier removed himself from Gambit's mind, and sighed deeply. If only it had been different… He sorely wished it hadn't turned out this way, and he knew that a large part of the blame belonged to him.
"It's done then?" came a familiar gruff voice from the other end of the room, interrupting his guilt-filled reflections.
He looked over, finding Logan leaning next to the window, watching them. "Yes, the procedure is finished," Charles answered with a heavy heart. "Rogue is completely erased from Mr. LeBeau's mind."
Wolverine grunted in discontented acknowledgement of his words. He still didn't like the way this had played out. Running away from your problems never solved anything, he knew that well from experience. 'Just hope this doesn't come back and bite 'em in the ass,' he thought.
A sombre silence stretched over the room, as both men contemplated the situation. The Professor spoke first, knowing that they were not finished with this all just yet. "Did you get rid of Mr. LeBeau's personal effects?"
"Yup. Threw 'em in the incinerator downstairs." Logan supposed he should feel guilty, destroying a part of the kid's life like that, but he knew better. As far as he was concerned, he had burned it away himself. Technically, that part of his life didn't exist anymore.
When Rogue had wiped Remy, the Canadian had simply thrown her things in the garbage – he felt reluctant to destroy them, thinking that maybe somehow she would want them again, that she would remember… She never did, and her mementos were gone now. He wouldn't make that same mistake this time, so into the fire Gumbo's things went. It was better that way. It was safer.
"Good," nodded Xavier, thinking much the same thing.
"Now what?"
"He is currently in a deep, psychically-induced sleep," came the explanation. "Could you please take him back to his apartment? We cannot have him awaken here."
"Sure," the other man replied curtly, committing the address he was then supplied with to memory and making his way over to the couch.
"Thank you. It's late, but when everyone awakens, I will inform them of what happened. We do not want anybody accidentally mentioning Rogue to Remy," the Professor continued.
"What happens if they do?" Wolverine asked, raising a bushy eyebrow in curiosity. "Everyone's been careful around Rogue so far, but what if someone slips and one of 'em hears something?"
"Nothing would actually occur," Charles replied. "But it would greatly confuse them. Can you imagine if they learn that they possessed a great love and remember nothing of it? We must try and prevent Rogue and Remy from discovering what happened – it would inevitably cause a great deal of stress and questions to arise, and it would be best if that were avoided."
"What if they see each other?" he pressed on.
"I sincerely doubt that will happen."
"Why?"
"Because I do not think Mr. LeBeau will be staying in Bayville much longer. He returned for Rogue, but since that memory was erased, he now believes that he returned to Magneto's service. With Erik gone and the Acolytes' contracts completed, Gambit will most likely return to his family in New Orleans."
"Well, that's all fine an' dandy, Chuck, but what if they see each other?" Logan demanded. He couldn't stand to have a confused, tearful, and heartbroken Rogue on his hands once more – it had nearly killed him to see her like that, after the Cajun had left her. It had taken all of his willpower not to go after him, track him down, and turn his intestines into wind chimes.
"Again, nothing," Xavier answered, steepling his hands together and attempting to ignore the rather violent imagery that Wolverine was projecting. "They have absolutely no memories of each other, there is no reason for them to even notice one another."
"No memories at all? What about them being on opposin' teams?"
He shook his head, indicating a negative response. "No, it was necessary to erase that as well. I could not leave even those memories in, because they were so connected to a myriad of other recollections and feelings."
Logan scowled. This was just insane… Sticking an arm under the Cajun's torso, he flipped him over onto his shoulder and began to carry him out of the room – none too gently, however. In his opinion, he didn't deserve any tender care.
The telepath couldn't help but pick up the feelings of animosity, and stopped his friend from leaving the room. "Logan? May I ask why you are feeling so murderous towards the young man?"
The feral mutant growled, but reluctantly answered the question. "Much as the kid pissed me off, Rogue was happier with him, even a blind man could see that. I hate him for hurtin' her so much."
"That's understandable," commented the Professor. "But what you don't know, Logan, is that Remy was just as hurt by Rogue."
"I hope so," grumbled the Canadian, flexing his hand, wanting to bring out his claws. "He deserved to go through all the pain he put her through first."
"Believe me, he did. It is unfortunate, but as much as they hurt each other, they hurt themselves more."
Wolverine just shook his head, and left the room. The rest of the Institute was sound asleep, and he was grateful for that – it would've raised some awkward questions, seeing him carry LeBeau through the mansion.
He threw the kid in the backseat of one of the vans, and then drove to his apartment. Barging in, he dumped him unceremoniously onto the bed. Logan was about to turn and leave, but something stopped him.
Unsheathing his claws, he aimed them directly over Remy's heart and snarled. "I don't like to be proven wrong, Gumbo," he spat out, pressing the tips of the adamantium onto his chest. "It took me a while, but I got used to you, and I got used to you making Rogue happy. I told myself that you were good for her, but looks like I was wrong. All I can say, bub, is that you're damn lucky you don't remember her, or else I'd be havin' fun slicin' off yer body parts one by one."
Forcing himself to retract the blades, he stepped back and snorted. So what if he had been hurt too? All Logan cared about was Rogue. This punk deserved it, for what he put her through – but it looks like it was all forgotten now.
Sighing, Wolverine stalked out of Remy LeBeau's apartment. The pair might have been able to forget their pain, but he would not. Rogue's hurt was still fresh in his mind, and he wanted an outlet – driving further away from the Institute, he headed for the nearest bar. The kid was lucky he was getting off so easy - for his sake, he hoped Gumbo hightailed it back to the swamp as fast as he could.
Sigh… Well, there you have it, the memories are over and done with. What oh what will happen now?
Next chapter – Remy wakes up feeling strange, and gets ready to head back to the bayou!
So... Gosh, you know what I just love? Reviews! Hint hint. ;-)
Toodles,
- ish -