I was mentioned – briefly – in Kassi of Pirate's Swoop's new fic (if only to poke me ::glares::) AND on her profile…if briefly. YAY!! By the way, her new fic, Duty to the Realm (::cough read-it-or-die cough::), is awesome. Very good. It's K/J too…Yum…tee hee LOTS OF HUGS FOR KASSI!! BECAUSE…WELL, BECAUSE!!!

Because I love Kassi so much and because she wanted this chapter so much, this whole frickin story is dedicated to her!! WHOOT!! GO KASSI!

Er…yeah, I'm a freak. Ahem.

Nolee – I love Joren!!

Joren – Nolee…you don't have to tell everyone…

Nolee - ::glares::

Joren – Err…::gulps:: Never mind…ignore that comment…

Nolee – You know what this means don't you?

Joren – No…not…that…

Nolee – It's the whip and handcuffs, honey.

Joren – NOOOO!! NOT THE…wait a minute. Does this involve oil and a nice bouncy bed?

Nolee – Umm…I think so. Yeah. Oil, a springy bed, handcuffs, a whip, and my riding crop is in my room. ::raises eyebrow suggestively::

Joren – You know what? I COULD use a nap right now…a nice long one…the kind where you don't really sleep…you know… ::disappears::

Nolee – Wellup, I have to go, er, play cowboys and Injuns with my sex beast – I mean, with Joren. Y'all have fun and, er…ignore any strange sounds you may hear.

Kassi, you're gonna hate me for this chapter. Tee.

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Joren groaned. His eyes fluttered open and his hand automatically went to caress his forehead. His palm instantly met with a soft spongy material that was wrapped all the way around his head. He bolted up, eyes wide, and glanced frantically around the room.

Great, he thought. Exactly where I didn't want to be.

A hearth burned cheerfully on the other side of the room. He himself was sitting in a comfortable bed. Other than those and a bedside table, the room was bare.

The door swung open and his heart leapt up to his eyes. He almost had a fucking seizure right then.

Some woman entered. She was fat and old – Bah, he hated old people – with curly gray hair cropped close to her rosy face and a broad grin that immediately grated his nerves. She carried a tray heaped with piles of delicious smelling food. Her grin broadened – if possible – and she spoke. He hated her voice.

"Well I do declare," she exclaimed, plunking the tray of food on the table. "Lawds, look who wakened!" She chuckled and, to his utmost distaste and horror, pinched his cheek. "You've been a-sleepin' for Lawds know how long. Ma daughta found ya on the sho', knocked out like a beaten trout. What's your name, sonny?"

Without waiting for an answer the old woman continued, "Ma name is Kassi Lilykara. Hurry up, darlin', what's your name?"

(A/N: ::rolls on the floor dying of hysterical laughter::)

"Joren of Stone Mountain," he grumbled shortly. He drew himself up and snapped importantly, "Captain Joren of Stone Mountain."

Kassi squealed. "Oh ma Lawds! You're that pirate lad!"

Pirate…lad?! WHAT THE FUCK??

Calm down, Joren. She's probably senile.

I have never, in the last three years, because of my notorious status, been called "lad". And now, this old, old…HAG is calling me a pirate LAD???

Joren, I said calm down. Be thankful she's even heard of you.

What's that supposed to mean, you nonexistent mind-creep?

Oh, nothing. The voice turned smug. Just that maybe you have a head that's the size of –

Just shut up.

"Ma Lawds, ma daughta will be so happy to know that she rescued a pirate cap'n!"

Her southern accent was too drawling. Joren had trouble translating them properly. He winced as she pinched his cheek again.

"And you're such a cutie, too!" she squealed.

"Mama?" a young woman's voice echoed somewhere outside the door. "Mama, is he awake?"

Enter a woman, not as young as he thought. Her short, fluffy hair was red and frizzy, like an electrocuted carrot. Her nose was flat and broad, her lips thin and long, her freckled cheeks bloated. The only thing attractive about her was her eyes – they were slanted and dark brown. Because of them Joren was sure Yamani descent streaked through her blood. Her eyes fell on him, and she suddenly became an alluring maiden.

"Hello," she said coyly, twirling a bright lock of hair around a short finger. "Ma name's Rosa."

And suddenly this house was suffocating. The walls shrunk until Rosa and Kassi were closing in on him. The air was thick and heavy, barely fitting into his throat. Joren shook his head to clear it, but the feeling of dread remained in the pit of his stomach.

Rosa giggled and clutched his forearm. He did not hide the grimace of disgust. "We'll get to know each other real well!" she crowed, petting back his pale blond locks. "You'll feel so much more at home soon, I promise. Just ya wait and –"

"Hold up, carrot-head," Joren interrupted, holding up a slender hand. "I have to go. I need to get to Carthak –"

"You are in Carthak, silly," she bubbled, giggling shrilly again.

"Then I have to leave, pronto," he snapped, irritated.

"Ya can't leave," Kassi said, her grin turned into the first frown he had seen. "Rosa rescued ya; you're in her debt. The debt must be repaid."

"Fine. I'll give you money –"

"I don't want money," Rosa said, exasperated. "I want to marry ya."

After a moment's pause Joren fell off the bed, passed out cold.

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Tee. Poor Joren. He's really been knocked around in this story.

Um…Kassi…I'm sorry you're so OLD, but, you know, I couldn't resist…heh…And it WAS funny…tee hee…