A/N: This is an episode set somehwere between series 4 and the end of series 6. I know there are some errors in it. I'm sure you'll point them out to me :D Just a few little things i'd like to point out: 1. I have never played Battleships which is fairly obvious. 2. Rimmer should've been hard light in this episode but he wasn't, for some reason. 3. I know nothing about space/time/dimensional travel so please forgive me if it becomes rather confusing. This is my first RD fic so please review, if you like it I might be persuaded to do another one :D

Dave Lister: Craig Charles
Arnold Rimmer/Ace Rimmer: Chris Barrie
Cat: Danny John-Jules
Kryten: Robert Llewellyn
Holly: Hattie Hayridge

Rimmer is sitting in Starbug's cockpit, in Lister's seat. Cat is in his usual seat next to Lister's. He is bent over one of the control panels looking at something and concentrating hard.

RIMMER: God, I wish there was something out there. We haven't encountered another vessel for months. I need something to relieve the boredom. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy pin-the-pointy-stick-on-the-weathergirl as much as the next man, but a bit of variety would be nice.

Cat appears to be ignoring him. He is still focused on the glowing control panel.

RIMMER: What is it? Can you smell something? Anything on the radar? Aliens?

He leans over the Cat's shoulder.

CAT: Do you mind? I'm trying to admire my reflection! You're in my light!
RIMMER: You've been doing that for the last hour and a half, you stupid goit! Now would you stop staring at yourself and pay attention to the sensors!

Cat gives him a dirty look.

CAT: Yeah right, like that's more important...
RIMMER: Hopeless! Absoutely smegging hopeless! What a waste of time. I give up.

He gets up and leaves.

CAT: (shouting after him) Finally, some peace!

He turns back to the panel again.

CAT: (grinning for the benefit of no-one in particular) Look out ladies, I am looking good today!

Rimmer enters the sleeping quarters, where Lister is sitting on his bed, trimming his toenails. By eating them.

RIMMER: Lister that's disgusting!
LISTER: Hey, you wouldn't let me use your electric meat carver. What am I supposed to do?
RIMMER: Use nail clippers?
LISTER: What? Oh those... you mean those things I've been using to trim me verrucas?
RIMMER: (pulling a face) Forget it. Just don't get it all over my bed.
LISTER: I won't.

Rimmer walks over to his bed and bends over, brushing at his pillow.

RIMMER: There are toenail clippings on my pillow!
LISTER: What? (leaning over the bunk) No, I didn't do that.
RIMMER: Then who did? Santa Claus?

LISTER: There's no way I did that!

RIMMER: It's disgusting! Everything falls on MY bed. Every time you eat a snack you leave crumbs scattered all over my sheets. You leave your toenail clippings on my pillow!
LISTER: (looking worried) I wonder where my verrucas went! (he lifts up his sheet)
RIMMER: (trying to maintain self-control) Alright. I' not going to get mad. I'm just going to leave.

A few seconds after he's walked out, Holly's face appears on the monitor above the sink.

HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still an emergency. Hasn't stopped yet. Still going on.

Rimmer runs back into the room.

LISTER: What is it Hol? (jumps down from his bunk)
HOLLY: Can't say yet, really. It's still too far away to see. But it appears to be some kind of swirly, orangey reddy whirly sort of thing and we're heading towards it.
LISTER: Better go check it out.

Rimmer and Lister run into the cockpit. Lister slides into his seat. Cat is still sitting where Rimmer left him.

RIMMER: Thanks for the heads up, Cat! Thank god Holly was on his toes, otherwise we would've been sucked right into that thing! You're supposed to be keeping a look out!
CAT: Hey, here's a little tip, bud. If you expect me to concentrate, don't put a lot of shiny reflective surfaces in front of me. I'm like a kid in a candy shop!
RIMMER: Fine. Perhaps I can arrange a soft, padded surface which you can admire from the comfort of a straightjacket. Can anyone tell me what the smeg that thing is?
CAT: Are you dumb or something? It's exactly what it looks like! A giant orange whirly thing!
RIMMER: Thank you Albert Einstein. Kryten, can you enlighten us please?
KRYTEN: Well sirs, it appears to be a rip in the fabric of space, a trans-dimensional portal which allows matter from one universe to be transported into our own.
LISTER: Is that good or bad?
KRYTEN: Well it can't harm us sir, but we should try and steer a course around it. We don't know what could be on the other side or even if our ship could survive being sucked through it.
CAT: (pointing) What about that ship that just came out of it? Is that good or bad?
KRYTEN: Bad.
CAT: Why?
KRYTEN: Because we're going to hit it!

A small, battered looking red craft is barrelling out of the swirling orange vortex thinggie and heading straight for Starbug.

RIMMER: Suggest we step up to Red Alert.
KRYTEN: Sir, we'll be dead by the time it takes to change the bulb!
RIMMER: (panicky) I don't care, just do it! If I'm going to die I want to follow the proper emergency protocols!

Just as the two ships are about to collide, the smaller red one veers off to the side at the absolute penultimate second, scraping along the side of Starbug, but doing no major damage.

The crew of Starbug relax, breathing hard and looking shocked.

LISTER: Damage report?
RIMMER: Minimal.
CAT: Minimal?! What about the damage to my pants!
KRYTEN: I'll send you the dry cleaning bill, sir.
LISTER: Who the smeg was that? And why do I feel like this has all happened before?
RIMMER: Before? What do you mean?
LISTER: That ship! I know I've seen that ship before somewhere.

He clicks his fingers. Suddenly a look of understanding dawns.

LISTER: Smeggin' hell! It's...

A monitor flicks on overhead and Ace Rimmer's face appears on it.

ACE: (winks) Told you I'd be back for breakfast!
RIMMER: (scowling) Oh god.
LISTER: Ace! It's you!
ACE: Sure is, Skipper. How are you old chums?
RIMMER: I was fine, until you came along.
ACE: Arnie. I never thought I'd see your handsome face again. (He might be being sarcastic, but he hides it well.)
RIMMER: This is the second time you've almost killed us in that stupid damn ship of yours!
ACE: I know, Arn. Apologies for that. And I'm glad to see you're all still in one piece. But this time I'm in a bit of a pickle. My ship's been damaged and I'm in need of a few parts. Think you could spare a few?
LISTER: Sure, Ace. We can help you out, right guys? Come on down to the docking bay. We'll get you fixed up.
ACE: Thanks Spanners... uh, sorry Skipper. You sounded just like him. Makes a feller homesick. I'll be down there in two. See you soon.

The monitor goes black. Lister grins at the others.

LISTER: It's Ace! He's back!
CAT: Right! Finally someone with sensible clothes!

They exit the cockpit, leaving Rimmer with a nasty look on his face.