Lister, Ace, Cat and Kryten are walking up a corridor away from the docking bay.
LISTER: So what've you been doing all this time?
ACE: Exploring other worlds. Other realities. I've met countless other Cats, Krytens, Hollys, Listers, and Rimmers.
LISTER: (looking disturbed) Countless other Rimmers?
ACE: 'Fraid so, matey. And seems you got stuck with the weasliest, most cowardly excuse for a Rimmer in the known universe.
LISTER: Yeah, I figured that.
They enter the mid-section. Rimmer is standing by the door, arms crossed, looking sullen. Ace stops and smiles warily. Lister follows him into the room, looking worried.
RIMMER: How long is he staying?
ACE: Steady on old chum. Aren't you even gonna say hello?
RIMMER: How long is he staying?
LISTER: (looking from Ace to Rimmer) Well Ace reckons if we can get the parts he needs he can have it fixed by the end of the week.
RIMMER: (shocked) End of the week?!
ACE: Come on Arn. I know it's a frightful bore, but I'll be out of your hair in no time. You won't even know I'm here.
RIMMER: Please! I could smell your stupid cologne miles away. What'dyou do, bathe in it?
LISTER: Hey! You could learn a few things from him, you know.
RIMMER: Ah yes. This coming from a guy who spends less time on his own appearance than he does picking his nose.
ACE, sadly shaking his head, exits the room followed by Cat (who is presumably after him to ask for fashion tips.)
LISTER: Rimmer what is wrong with you! Why can't you at least try to be nice? He's only here for four days!
RIMMER: Four days! Four whole days! You call that 'not long'? Four whole days with that smug, stupid self-satisfied macho idiot?
LISTER: Yeah.
RIMMER: I see. So that's the way it's going to be, is it?
LISTER: Yeah.
RIMMER: So that's it, then?
LISTER: Yeah!
RIMMER: That's it?
LISTER YES!
RIMMER: I don't get a say?
LISTER: No!
RIMMER: Fine! But don't expect me to exchange pleasantries with him.
Lister walks out, eyeing Rimmer stonily.
Rimmer is in his quarters, sitting at his desk flicking idly through a book. Lister enters.
LISTER: Hey, man. Me and the rest of the guys are playing Battleships. Thought you might like to... join in.
RIMMER: (without looking up) No thanks.
LISTER: So what, you'd rather sit up here by yourself and sulk?
RIMMER: I am not sulking.
LISTER: (walking across the room, he sits on his bunk) Yes you are. I know you, Rimmer. I know when you're sulking.
RIMMER: I am NOT sulking!
LISTER: Rimmer, what's your problem? Why can't you get over the fact that Ace has maybe had somewhat better luck than you? I mean, who cares. You're your own person. Just deal with it.
RIMMER: Are you finished? I'm trying to read here if you don't mind.
LISTER: (desperate) Look. You're not proving anything by acting this way. Why don't you come downstairs and join in? Have a bit of fun? Show Ace that you're just as good as he is. That you can be the better man.
RIMMER: (gaining interest) Well... I could... couldn't I?
LISTER: Yeah! Come on, it'll be loads of fun. Just a friendly game, between mates, sitting around and having a few laughs.
Cut to mid-section of Starbug. Ace and Rimmer are sitting at the table, the only ones left in the game. Cat, Kryten and Lister are sitting by looking worried. The Cat looks extremely bored. Ace is sitting casually in his chair smoking a cigar. Arnie is sitting stiffly with his arms crossed, glaring down at the table and chewing his lip. We get the feeling this has been going on for some time.
LISTER: Rimmer, it's your go!
RIMMER: Don't rush me!
LISTER: Ace has won, there's only one place left you can move!
RIMMER: Ok, maybe he does have a slight tactical advantage over me, I admit.
Close-up of the game board. Lister is correct. There is one piece surrounded by hoards of opposing pieces, and it is clear there is only one possible space left to move.
CAT: Just get on with it!
LISTER: Come on, man!
RIMMER: I'm thinking!
CAT: You've been thinking for thirty minutes! My buttcheeks are going numb!
RIMMER: Shut up and let me think about it!
He stares intensely, desperately at the board. It's clear he doesn't want to make the last move and let Ace win.
ACE: How 'bout we just call it a draw, Arn?
RIMMER: (fiercely) No! I'll have my turn when I'm ready!
LISTER: You're just drawing it out hoping that some kind of emergency will happen, we'll all get distracted and the game will be cancelled.
RIMMER: Lister, people don't win in situations like this by rushing in willy nilly! D'you think General Patton would've been one of the greatest tacticians in history if he'd just tooled up his men and sent them charging over the hills?
LISTER: Rimmer it's ONLY A GAME!
RIMMER: That's what losers say. Weaklings, Lister. People with no fighting spirit! (He looks at the clock.)
LISTER: Rimmer...just...move.
CAT: (groaning) Auuh. I can't feel my legs!
ACE: (standing up) Alright, Arn. I'm pulling out. The game's yours by default.
RIMMER: What?! You can't do that!
Ace is walking towards the door.
ACE: Why not?
RIMMER: (waggling his finger) I know what you're doing. You're just trying to make me look like a petty, small-minded goit!
ACE: 'Fraid you didn't need any help there, Arn.
Rimmer grits his teeth and looks furious.
RIMMER: (shouting after him) You always do that! You always come out looking like the big, macho hero! Well I see straight through it, don't think I don't! (To himself) Stupid git.
Lister is the only left in the room. He looks at Rimmer wearily.
LISTER: Nice one, Rimmer. Nice one. It was supposed to be a bit of fun. Why do you have to take everything so smegging seriously!
RIMMER: It's not just a game, don't you see? Every time he beats me at something, every time he comes out on top, it reminds me how worthless I am. I wanted to be better at something. Anything!
LISTER: You are better at something. Acting like a complete smeghead, for one thing!
RIMMER: (morosely) You don't understand.
LISTER: No Rimmer, I don't. (He gets up and walks sadly out.) Enjoy your victory.
Later Rimmer walks into the Officer's Quarters. Lister is lying on the top bunk, thinking about something, and grinning up at the ceiling. Rimmer shoots him a glance and then slumps down on his bunk.
Lister starts to chuckle to himself. He seems to be unaware that Rimmer is there. He tries to get himself under control, fails, and snorts out another burst of laughter. Rimmer is shifting angrily on his bunk, staring up at the bottom of Lister's bunk as if he can drill a hole through it with his eyes. The chuckling goes on for some time, Rimmer gets into an increased state of annoyance, until finally he can take it no more.
RIMMER: Would you please shut up?? What are you smirking about anyway?
LISTER: Sorry, man. (he continues to grin) Just remembering something Ace said earlier. (he chuckles again.) What a guy! He really cracks me up!
RIMMER: (sarcastic) Oh of course! Ace! Who else could it have been? Every time I see him I have to hold my sides together to keep them from splitting.
Lister sobers up. The grin fades from his face.
LISTER: Rimmer, why do you hate him so much? Why can't you just give the guy a break?
RIMMER: Lister, the only break I want to give him involves both his legs and a sledgehammer.
Lister jumps down from his bunk.
LISTER: You know, I should've known you'd react like this. You just can't stand being in the company of someone who has more charisma in his little toe than you have in your entire body.
RIMMER: You can say what you like, Lister. Where is he now, anyway? Shouldn't you be helping him fix that stupid ship of his?
LISTER: He's got it under control. Besides, I'm not the mechanic I am in his reality.
RIMMER: You see, Lister? There's someone out there better than you, someone who had all the lucky breaks you never had. I guarantee if he walked through that door right now you'd hate him just as much I hate Ace.
LISTER: You're wrong, Rimmer. I wouldn't hate him. That's what makes us different.
Rimmer turns away and stares at the wall.
LISTER: Three days. That's all I'm asking. Just try to be civil.
RIMMER: I want him out of here.
LISTER: Three days and he's gone. (He looks rather morose at this prospect) Outta here.
RIMMER: Good.
Cockpit of Starbug. Lister, Kryten, Cat and Rimmer are present in their usual places. Rimmer's face is illuminated by the green glow of the short-range sensors. Lister is looking out the windscreen, Cat is holding the controls and Kryten is making minor adjustments on a panel in front of him. Ace is absent.
KRYTEN: Getting something on the long range scanner, sirs.
LISTER: Any idea what it is?
KRYTEN: It's coming closer. It appears to be a vessel of some kind, similar to our own but much larger.
LISTER: Hostile?
He starts flicking switches on the control panel in front of him.
RIMMER: Suggest we try and make contact. (into microphone) This is the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel Starbug. Do you read?
He listens. Kryten glances up at the monitor but it remains dark. There is no answering response.
RIMMER: They're not answering.
KRYTEN: Suggest I try communicating with them, sir.
RIMMER: It's alright Kryten, I have it under control.
KRYTEN: But sir, perhaps I may offer some assistance...
RIMMER: Kryten, I'm well aware of how to do this thank you. It's a simple matter of moving your lips and making sounds in your throat. Even someone as simple-minded as Lister could grasp it. So please, if you wouldn't mind...
KRYTEN: Sir, I was just going to suggest that perhaps this is, in fact, an alien race who don't understand human speech. As you know I am well versed in alien speech and could be more suited to this particular task.
RIMMER: Kryten this is one of the few duties I have aboard this ship and I intend to do it!
LISTER: Maybe Ace would know what to do.
RIMMER: Why is it that when anything goes wrong you all expect that dim-witted ponce to come running in and save the day? What can he do that I can't?
KRYTEN: (meekly) Do you really want me to answer that, sir?
RIMMER: Anyway, he's down in the docking bay fixing his ship.
CAT: Uh, guys! That ship's getting closer.
RIMMER: (into the mic) This is Arnold J. Rimmer, of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, Starbug. Please respond.
Nothing happens. The two ships drift silently towards one another. Then suddenly the monitor comes to life and a mean-looking simulant appears. His face is half-human, half mechanoid. The skin seems to have peeled off down one side of his head, revealing a metal skull. His mechanical eye glows fiercely red.
CAT: (grinning nervously) Uh... I don't suppose there's any chance this guy wants to be friends.
LISTER: It's a rogue simulant! They're ruthless, scum-sucking killing machines! Everytime we've encountered one they've tried to blast us into oblivion!
CAT: So I guess that's a no?
RIMMER: (Panicked, into the mic) We surrender, totally and unconditionally. Oh, additionally, I'd like to add that I myself being a hologram wouldn't be of much interest to you. I'm made entirely of light and would be no sport at all. On the other hand there's a very tasty bunch of humanoids on the ship who might be more to your liking, should you wish to board our vessel and go on a rampant killing spree.
LISTER: (disbelievingly) Thanks, Rimmer! You really know how to stick by your mates!
SIMULANT: (on screen) Hahahaha. It's been a long time since I've blown up anything. Congratulations. You just made my day.
The simulant grins sickeningly.
SIMULAMT: (on screen) NOW DIE!
RIMMER: Wait! I'm sure we can work this out!
On the viewscreen they see the simulant fiddling with his controls.
LISTER: Smeg! We're dog food!
RIMMER: Cat, get us out of here!
CAT: There's no time!!
Suddenly, a volley of missiles are fired from the approaching ship and sail towards Starbug. In slo-mo, Lister, Cat, Kryten and Rimmer all dive for the door, or somewhere approximating safety. As they reach the door the missiles hit, and the cockpit erupts into flames. Sparks shoots from the control panels in a dazzling display of fireworks. The cockpit is enveloped in flames.
From outside, we see Starbug spinning out of control, explosions racking the ship and sending it tumbling end over end through space. The simulant ship cruises off placidly and vanishes out of frame.
Starbug's spinning past a large green planet. The spinning slows and then finally it drifts slowly along, canted over at an odd angle. The outer hull is blackened and still emitting flames.
Interior of Starbug. It's the mid-section, but it's almost impossible to recognize. Everything is black and smoke fills the room. Dangerous sparks are shooting out all over the place and wires are hanging from the ceiling. From within the rubble, Rimmer emerges. His image flickers for a moment, and he sways, then his image solidifies. He staggers down from the ruined cockpit and across the mid-section, looking stunned. He goes over to a body lying under some rubble in the corner.
RIMMER: (shouting) Lister!
The body doesn't move. Rimmer looks around and finds the bodies of the Cat and Kryten. Kryten's head is hanging off his neck at a weird angle. Wires are poking out of the gap and there is a fizzing sound coming from him.
RIMMER: Kryten?
He stands up, stunned.
RIMMER: They're all dead.
His image grows faint again, flickering like bad tv reception, but it soon settles. He grasps his chest as if feeling weak. Then Ace, looking breathless but not badly hurt, runs into the room. He surveys the damage, horror dawning on his face.
RIMMER: (slowly) They're all dead. I'm alone... in the universe... with you.
His eyes roll into his head and he collapses gracelessly to the floor.