Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Princess_alex24@hotmail.com



Christy sat in her room listening to quiet music after Jessi left.  That was the first time she had to scold someone about the use of power, and she still didn't feel comfortable with it.  If her students went wild she didn't have the power to do anything about it.  At least finding out Erik couldn't read her made her relax a little, but an Empath wouldn't be easy to train.  To train him her other students would need to trust him, and more than just as a friend.  With all that was sitting in her mind Christy couldn't have overseen his training even if she'd been without that shield. 

He could have stopped the nightmares, couldn't he?  Christy thought to herself and grimaced.  She still woke up every night with her heart pounding in fear and had to struggle for a long time to fall asleep again.  Her words to Jessi haunted her, because she'd been the woman that she warned Jessi about.  She'd done anything no matter how wrong she knew it was, to ensure she and the others survived as long as possible.  She'd done all of that and for what?  They'd all died anyhow.  She'd done things that would haunt her forever, and they all died anyhow.  She'd known at the time it was hopeless and that she was only delaying the inevitable, but she'd figured she'd die as well and wouldn't be stuck with the guilt.  How wrong was she.  Christy sighed and set her glass on the coffee table so that she could lean back on the couch and throw her arm over her eyes.  She couldn't be the moral rock this group leaned on, because in spite of the hard lessons she learned, she knew that she'd still do anything, absolutely anything, to protect those she cared about.

The soft knock on her door made her get up and she took a deep breath to try and get the depression off of her face.  These kids relied on her to be strong, and truthfully that was the only reason she was able to do it.  She opened the door and Annie was standing there waiting for her with a serious expression on her face. 

Once Annie sat down on the couch she started to talk.  "I don't know about moving to New York.  I like it here, and maybe if we just try harder, if I just try harder, I'll figure it out."  Christy watched with a bit of concern as Annie slumped a bit in her seat, "There is also the possibility that I don't have a power.  I've been thinking about that a lot lately."

Christy had been thinking about that as well, and if that were true it would crush Annie.  The girl lived with a boy that could jump through trees like a monkey and lift the car up to change a tire without a jack, as well as a girl that could use her mini force fields to deflect blows and could push them out to hit other things, and now an Empath with minor telekinetic powers.  Hell, even Christy felt a bit inferior at times, but she could at least pass as human.  She didn't have the added burden of looking like a mutant.  None of them did but the one that didn't seem to have a power.  "You could very well have a power, but we just don't have what we need to find it.  They have technology and a doctor that specializes in this stuff.  They have telepaths and people with all sorts of powers." 

Christy wanted Annie to stay but that was pure selfishness and she wasn't going to do that to the girl.  Annie easily worked just as hard as Christy did to try and make things work around here, and losing her would make it so hard to keep things afloat.  The others weren't as responsible and mature.  She'd overheard Annie telling the others that they had to keep up on their research, because if they didn't do it Christy would kill herself trying to do it all.  She'd also overheard Annie telling the others to leave Christy alone some times when she came home from a visit with her mother and just wanted to crawl into a ball on her bed and cry because it wasn't the same.  Christy would have suspected Annie was Empathic, but they'd tried testing for that, and now that Christy knew about the natural shield she had it couldn't have been that.  Annie was just observant and compassionate, and she didn't realize that she was Christy's rock.  The one that kept her afloat when she sometimes just wanted to drown.  God it wasn't healthy to rely so much on a kid for ones mental health.

"I'm needed here."  Annie said with a firm voice that told Christy that it would be hard to talk Annie into leaving, and part of her was disgusted at the relief she felt at that.  "And I already picked classes for Spring quarter.  I'm looking forward to my Shakespeare class."  Annie gave her a slight grin.

"Okay."  Christy's eyes became serious, "But if Summer comes and we still don't have a clue, we should at least contact them."

"Do you think they could help with Erik's shields?"  Annie effectively drew attention away from herself and Christy almost rolled her eyes.  The girl did that often.  She put all her energy into leading the others so that she didn't have to focus on her own problems, and if Christy wasn't doing the same thing she'd feel more comfortable calling Annie on it.

"Yeah, they could."  Christy sighed, "They'd be better at training all of you." 

Annie moved to rest a hand on Christy's knee and the look of sympathetic understanding and affection was a little startling.  "We like it here.  You do a lot for us, and I… we all… appreciate it." 

"I… I wish I could do more."  Christy stammered over the words as she realized something she hadn't seen before and had no idea how to deal with it.  Quickly she decided that for now, the best course of action was to ignore and pretend she didn't see it.  She sighed.  "I'll see if I can find more information about shields.  He can't live like this."  Her voice got softer as she focused on Erik's problems.  "You all are going to have to try and not get too emotional for a while so that he isn't bombarded.  If he has no shields just being around others has to be hard on him."

"How do you know so much?"  Annie's awe in her was easy to hear now that Christy knew to listen for it.  It made her even more uncomfortable.

"I've heard stories."  She said a little flatly to discourage questions.  The front door opened and they could hear Jon leading Erik down to where his room was going to be.  He was the only student to live downstairs, where Christy did.  Christy glanced at her first student and wondered if Professor Xavier ever had problems like this.  How did he deal with a young student with a crush, or did he just telepathically remove it for them?  Emma probably used it as a way to keep them motivated.  It would explain her exhibitionism.  A small smile started to turn Christy's lips up.  This was awkward but she'd deal with it.  "Once you all are done showing Erik around, have him drop by.  I need to talk to him."

Erik came in later and closed the door behind him.  He was glancing around Christy's living room in a bit of interest.  The kids didn't come into these rooms unless they were invited, so it was his first time seeing it.  Christy spent that time studying him and she could see bags under his eyes and a slump in his shoulders that seemed like defeat.  She'd seen that look before and didn't like seeing it now.  He needed hope and a feeling of safety.  Didn't they all?  Today wasn't the time to talk to him about the favor he did for Jessi, not on the first night.

"Once we get that wall in you should have some privacy.  It'll actually be one of the bigger bedrooms in the house."  She smiled trying to put him at ease.  "I'll make sure we put something in the wall to act as a sort of sound proofing so you don't have to listen to my music while I work."

"Thank you for doing this."  His voice was softer and less self assured than normal.

"It's not a problem.  You've always been a part of the team, and you were getting out of all the work."  She grinned at him.  "You won't be able to be so lazy around here.  You've heard about our classes?"

"Yeah."  He finally moved to sit on the loveseat next to the couch Christy was sitting on.

"I'll give you two weeks to see how they work and then you'll get a night of your own.  I can help you learn how to plan and what sort of things might be appropriate."  He just nodded.  He still looked nervous, but moving away from home like this had to be hard.  At least his parents didn't kick him out, they just couldn't keep him.  He still had their love.  Her voice got softer and more compassionate.  "If you need to talk you can come to me, but I won't force you."  She took a deep breath.  She was going to have to let go of some of her secret to get him to understand she could relate.  "I've felt someone die before.  It was… something I still can't put into words.  It really makes you wonder if there is a point to any of it, living, but there is."  She watched his widening eyes and shocked expression.  "You're awfully young to have to deal with these questions now, but we all play the hand were dealt.  I just want you to know that you don't have to do it alone."

"How?"  He asked while leaning towards her a little.  She'd known this question was going to come up.  She'd told them repeatedly she wasn't a mutant, so her saying something like that would come with questions. 

She gave him a weak fake smile.  "I'm keeping some of my secrets, but I can talk about how that felt with you at some point when you don't look like you are going to pass out from exhaustion."  He looked a bit put out that she wasn't going to answer his question and sat back in the seat.  He sighed heavily. 

Christy continued.  "I'm going to work on getting more information about shielding for you.  I'll do my best to help, but I can't promise anything and you have to realize that."  She stared at his clenched fists for a moment before looking into his eyes.  "If I can't help, I do know of people that can.  We aren't your only hope, there is always another way."

"I don't want an inhibitor."  He's eyes seemed to sparkle and the voices upstairs got louder and a bit angry.  Christy just glanced at the ceiling once and then at him.  Oh, yeah… living with an Empath was going to be a challenge.

"I never suggested that.  I just know of other teachers more qualified than me."  Christy was suddenly not as reluctant to contact that school.  She was way out of her league here and she could tell.

He went quiet and his eyes calmed down to normal.  "Thank you."  He sounded a bit embarrassed about his outburst.

"You need some sleep.  It might help you not push your emotions on the others."  Christy barely managed to not scold him for that.  Truth was she was scared, and very grateful that he couldn't feel that.  He needed shields and he needed them now.  She'd never seen him use his powers like this.  "The others are taking a day off work tomorrow to help you move.  I'll bring the van and walk to work.  Your apartment is close enough.  I promised my mother that I'd be the one to drive it, so at lunch I'll take one trip with it and after work if we need more trips." 

"Okay.  Thank you."  He got up and left.  Christy just stared at the closed door and sighed.  What time was it in New York?  She glanced at the clock and decided it was too late.

Christy woke up and wasn't sure what had done it.  Normally she'd be startled awake by her nightmares, but she'd already had one tonight and wasn't having another when she'd suddenly found herself awake.  She still had a little over an hour left for sleep, but knowing her she would spend that entire hour trying to sleep.  She sat up and rolled over to grab the binder she had in her own room.  The one with that phone number she found the other day.  She flipped it open and just stared at the page she'd printed out from the internet.  She'd searched for a website for that school before, but it wasn't there.  This site was new and she stared at the picture of the mansion as well as the words above it. 

Maybe they got calls for information all the time.  Maybe they wouldn't be suspicious of her call or the fact that she knew they were a mutant school.  Christy sighed.  She didn't believe any of that.  If she used this number she'd have to pay for it. 

The noise drew her attention.  She listened harder and could hear Annie, she sounded like she was in pain, which was probably what woke her up.  The girl had the bedroom right above Christy's.  Christy got out of bed and headed upstairs in the shorts and t-shirt she now wore to bed.  It was just better to be dressed enough to leave her rooms at a moments notice.  When she heard the other students in similar nightmares she just stood there stunned for a moment.  She always had nightmares, so that wasn't unusual, and the girls sometimes would have a bad night but nothing like this. 

Christy turned around and went back downstairs to go into the computer room.  Erik was in a sleeping bag on the floor and he was tossing around restlessly.  Christy kneeled down beside him and started to shake him just enough to try and wake him up.  This was where the nightmares were coming from.  It also explained his parents willingness to let him move away if he was starting to do that to the entire apartment building.  "Erik, wake up."  Christy noticed him open his eyes.  "You were having a nightmare."  She gave as way of explanation, leaving out that he'd spread his fear around the house.  Once he calmed down he looked embarrassed.  Christy just gave him a weak smile. 

"I'm fine now.  Thanks."  He mumbled, obviously wanting her to go away.  She did.

Later that day she closed the door to her office and pulled out a sheet of paper with that schools number.  She sat down with a heavy sigh and called it on her cell phone. 

"Xavier's, how can I help you?"  A young sounding female voice answered.  Christy's heart was pounding.  She'd seen news coverage of them, and read articles, but somehow this was making it more real.  It was real.  "Hello?"  The voice got a little irritated.

"Hello, can I speak with one of the instructors?"  She felt it was a safe bet this wasn't a teacher.  Her body was tense and her eyes were wide as she stared at the wall of her office while listening very carefully to her phone.  There was a time shortly after it happened that she thought she should seek them out, but she dismissed that idea after a little thought.  It wasn't like there was anything that anyone could do.  She just decided to play the cards she was dealt, and now she had a new card, Erik.  Now it was time to seek help.

********

Bobby was walking past the student on the phone when he heard her conversation.  "Any teacher in particular or you just want any teacher I can find?"  He stopped his trek towards the kitchen and some lunch to listen in.  They didn't get a lot of calls like this.  Jubilee turned to glance at him, "Well, I've got Mr. Drake."  After a moment of silence the girl chuckled, "The others are busy, it's the best I can do."  Bobby grimaced when Jubilee held the phone out towards him.  Oh well.

"Robert Drake speaking, how can I help you?"  He stuck his tongue out at Jubilee who was still chuckling at his obviously being last choice as someone to talk to.  "Hello?"  If this was some sort of trick of Jubilee's, she was visiting for the weekend and he expected to be the brunt of a few jokes.

Finally a hesitant female voice spoke.  "I have a student that I need a little help with, I was hoping you could refer me to some book or something."  His eyebrow rose a bit at this.  They'd gotten some unusual phone calls before but this was still odd. 

"Well, what kinda help do you need?"  He wanted to hurry this up, his stomach was rumbling and he didn't have a lot of time before he had to do his Danger room session.

"He's an Empath, and his shields are not working."  Bobby was stunned.  The fact that they'd know about mutants wasn't public knowledge, but this was the public line.  Normally anyone in the know also knew the other phone numbers.  "I was hoping to talk to Jean cause it's kinda her area, but maybe you know of something we can do?"

"Why didn't you use her number?"  The woman must know Jean if she knew to call her for help.

"I… I lost it.  I had to look you guys up on the Internet."  Bobby grinned at that.  Kitty had just gotten that site up lately.  Looks like it was worth it.

"Well, I don't know anything off hand, but I can look it up and call you back."  He pulled out a pen, "So what's your number?"  And this time he'd actually get the woman's number.  She sounded nice enough.  A grin started to grow on his boyish face.  He jotted it down carefully.  "And you want info on mental shields.  I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks Bobby."  She sighed.  "I need it as soon as possible.  He's… well, I guess you can imagine."

"No problem Fair Lady, your Knight in Shiny Armor is on the job."  That gave him pause.  "Umm, what is your name anyhow?"

After Bobby got off the phone he made a copy of her number and put that in his pocket.  He then took the notes he'd written down and headed towards the kitchen.  He'd deal with it after lunch.

"Really Robert, you eat like a two year old."  The cold voice of the blonde woman entered the room before she did and Bobby put his sandwich down.  Jean had left with Scott on a long weekend getaway, but Emma would know the answers for Christy.

"Hey, a friend of Jean's called earlier and she needs some information on mental shields."  He took a drink to try and clear his throat a bit more while she opened the fridge.

"Well, I'm sure when Jean gets back she'll be happy to call her."

"No, it's kinda an emergency.  I promised I'd call her today with something.  One of her students needs to learn fast."  He neglected to mention he was an Empath.  Emma would get too interested and he wanted to be the one to call Christy back.

Emma sighed heavily, "Very well.  I'll assemble some things you can send her."  She grabbed an apple and headed off.  Bobby smiled and took another huge bite of his sandwich, mission accomplished.  He'd have to remember to tell Christy that if she needed anything else, he was the guy to call.