Following by Example
There are times when a flight goes well, and you're just damned glad it's over. That was how I felt after six hours of circling the fleet at a thirty-mile radius. Rather than our usual quadrant based pattern, an out and in cycle that covers every direction around the fleet for several hundred miles, we've gone to a circular approach. Two Vipers at a time, one far and one near, opposite directions. It's not as comprehensive, and it puts a lot of pressure on our long-range sensors to be sure that nothing's out there that shouldn't be, but it's all we can manage. We have one Raptor and one Raptor pilot left healthy, so she sits in control and monitors tracks to be sure we stay our course and check in adequately. Hell, I don't know how she's managed to stay well, but Valerii has a constitution that's a lot tougher than she looks. I think she gets it by osmosis from Tyrol; no illness would dare touch that man. Anyway, it's not much of a system, but it's all we can manage. The Galactica was designed to have one-hundred, twenty Vipers in her defense; normally we manage with one-fifth of that, and at the moment we're managing with one-tenth. We can only do so much.
By the time I land, I'm coated in sweat, my hair is plastered down by my helmet, and I'm nauseous from lack of food. I know, it wasn't bright to head out on an empty stomach, but at the time I knew it would just come up if I ate anyway, and I'd rather be queasy than vomiting in a Viper. So while Cally takes my helmet – I try not to be disappointed that it isn't Lee – I rub hands over my face and try to get my mind to work. It isn't easy.
Thinking that most of the problem is lack of food, I head for the dining hall. There's no point in looking for Lee. His flight would have gone out ten minutes before I came in. That's the rotation. I'm about half-way through a really disgusting meal when I see Doctor Salik – Kylen – coming in. She joins me, and the discussion goes off on a track I didn't expect. Several days ago, Lee had brought up that his father was pretty miserable. Apparently the good doctor had been playing hard-to-get for the Commander, and it was wreaking havoc on already strained nerves. At the time I thought it was pretty trivial – after all, the world was ending around us. But as I looked at Kylen, I realized that if his dad had looked anything like this, then Lee had reason to worry.
Kylen and I talked for a while, and she told me what I'd already pretty much figured out – that she was in love with the Old Man. I can't say it surprised me. He's a pretty great guy, and she's a decent woman. They should be happy together. Only the Old Man doesn't open up very easily, and she was sick of guessing. I have to wonder if Lee sometimes felt the same way about me. After all, I'm good at screwing around and joking, but I avoid serious discussions like the plague. I'm sure that's one reason Lee had to pin me down to deal with what was happening between us, and I know it was the reason I was feeling so off after waking up in his bed. But where I know Lee and how he can be, and he knows me, Kylen and the commander don't have years of history to give them confidence in a relationship. They need to talk, and I tell her that. I'm not sure if she hears me or not. When she leaves the Dining Hall just this side of tears, I realize that I can't just let this go. The Old Man has done far too much for me over the years; I can't let him be miserable, and Lee says that's just what he is. From what Kylen tells me, the situation isn't likely to change without some help.
I really hate the CIC. There are several reasons, not the least of which is that nothing good has ever been said to me there. When I'm called up there for discipline, it's because I've screwed up so badly that it can't wait until the commander is off duty. Also, I guess I still hold the beginning of the war against the place as well, because that's where I found out about it. Whatever the reasons, I tend to avoid the area like the plague. For me to go there, especially without being ordered to do so, should say a lot about my feelings for the Old Man. But after hearing Lee's side of it in the days before, and then talking to Kylen myself, it was something I couldn't just let slide.
Following standard procedure, I saluted the marines and requested to enter. It took a while for me to get clearance, even in the position of the deputy CAG, however circumstantial and unofficial. While I waited I paced, and for some reason the fatigue that had hit me before didn't seem so bad. Amazing what a little food can do, even if it does taste like slop. When they finally let me in, I approached the commander, formally reported – including the salute – and requested to speak to him in private. If a shiny Cylon Raider had walked right into the CIC, I don't think he could have looked more shocked.
I wanted to say more than that as he made quick arrangements to have his duties covered, because I knew his first worry would be for Lee. There was also the look on his face, which bordered on panic, and I hated to have put it there. But I didn't want to go into it with everyone staring; at least everyone who was left. Until then, as I looked around to see more than half the stations empty, I hadn't realized just how far-reaching the epidemic was. Sure, I'd seen it in the dining hall, but it was easy to ignore when I was covering such odd shifts. And yes, I knew how many were in the Life Station, but seeing the very heart of the Galactica hollowed out to only bare-essential personnel was a sobering thing. It was no wonder that he'd looked almost sick when I'd come in, and I'm not quite sure how much of that had to do with his missing Doctor Salik and how much was just plain overwork. I'm sure there was more than a little of both, along with worry for his crew – which may as well be his family.
The Old Man was quick in getting his duties relieved, and he led me into an isolated room that I'd never been in. Designed for the purpose of determining wartime actions without subordinates peeking over his shoulder, it was enclosed and soundproofed. "Is it Lee?" The question was quick and to the point; the commander wasn't in any mood for beating around the bush.
"Lee's fine, Sir," I told him, surprised he was calling his son by his first name when everything else seemed so formal. "He's on patrol; I just got off."
I watched his body relax slightly as his worst fears were relieved. I was very grateful then that I hadn't come in to tell him that Lee had fallen ill with the virus. I'm not sure he could have handled it. "Then what can I do for you, Starbuck?"
That was a tough one, and I wasn't quite sure how to bring this up. "I know it's none of my business, Sir, but I wanted you to know…" And where was I supposed to go from there?
"What is it?"
"Doctor Salik told me that she was writing a letter of resignation," I finally tell him. The look on his face when I do proves that I was right; he does care. "She said that… well, that she loves you, and she can't be around you when you don't feel the same way." Well, in for one cubit, and you're in for a thousand. If I'm going to betray Kylen's trust, I decide I may as well go all the way. "She told me that she can't just be friends, and that's all you want. She's leaving the Galactica, Sir. She's moving to the Dell."
He looked like he'd been punched, and I guess in a way he had, but he didn't say a word. I knew he could be a clam when things got personal – and I'd told Kylen as much – but most of the time he talked to me with little difficulty. I'm not sure if it's the connection of being a pilot, or if it's something more personal, but he doesn't seem to hold back around me. When other people are tip-toeing, I tend to ask for a straight answer and get one. I hadn't realized just how significant that was until now. If watching him shut down now was a taste of what the doc had been dealing with, then I couldn't blame her for not being able to handle it on an indefinite basis. If Lee had ever been this closed to me…
"Excuse me for saying so, Sir." I tell him, knowing it's not my place and hoping I don't get bucked back down to ensign. From the look on his face, it's a distinct possibility. "But, make this right between you. She makes you happy."
He gave me a nod, and just that quickly I was dismissed. But oddly, I didn't have anything I wanted to do, or anywhere besides the bed that I needed to be. I was back in the air in eight hours, so I should definitely be sleeping, but my mind was running on fast forward. So I hung out in the corridor for a while, leaning against the wall with one foot flat against it and the other holding my weight. Less than five minutes later, I saw the commander head out of CIC and walk a little more than briskly towards the section where medical quarters are. I didn't have to wonder where he was going; I just hoped that they worked it out.
I'm too tired to run, and don't want to work out, so I finally make it back to quarters for a shower. I almost prefer the days of waiting in line to walking into a nearly empty quarters and getting right down to business. Too many people are sick. I think the reason that it hit us so hard is that we tend to live tired. Being a pilot is high-stress to start with, and our schedules make it worse. Lee does the best he can, but there are only so many bodies to work with, and we all have to do our share. It keeps us weakened for illness, and it's one of the reasons Doctor Salik is so damned persistent about her physicals and routine medical care. Hell, I've never had a fleet physician run blood tests to be sure I'm taking my vitamins, but she did it. And when I wasn't, I got to report every morning for a month to the Life Station so they could watch me take it. Well, I take the stupid things now; they may be all that has kept me going.
The shower is over too quickly, and I'm left with a mind in overdrive and a body too tired to think. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's how it feels. There's something about tonight – about the Old Man and Kylen – that is eating at me. Both of them are reasonably intelligent people. In fact, I'd say that they're smarter than average. Both are sweet, and considerate, and just plain good people. I've known a lot of jerks over the years – physicians who are only in it for the cubits, and commanders who get high on the power – and neither of them are like that. So they're smart, they're good… and they still screwed up. That scares the living hell out of me. I mean, if they can't get it straight, with years of experience and high-powered degrees, then what chance do I have?
Lee and I are already making a mess of things, and mostly for the same reasons that they were. It isn't lack of love on either side, because I've loved Lee for years. No, I haven't always been in love with him – and I may not be now – but there was definitely love there even back before Zak and I were a couple. I mean, face it, you don't sit up all day with someone and clean up puke unless you're a little more than friends. Even then there was something special between us. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. Hell, why else would he put up with the crap I dish out. He's bailed me out of the brig, nursed me through morning hangovers that I thought would kill me, and held my hand through physics finals when I was sure I was going to flunk out and lose any possibility of getting my wings. I wasn't an easy friend to have, and I'm still not, and yet he's willing to wait. I felt that kiss, it's intensity and restraint both, and I know he doesn't have all he needs from me, and yet he doesn't push. That has to be love, doesn't it?
But I'm just about ready to make the same mistake the commander has, which is to take someone who cares for granted. Lee may not always be there, and when he gets fed up with the waiting, he just may not bother to tell me. What would I do if I were to walk onto the flight deck one day and find that he'd transferred to another ship because I was dragging my feet? Yeah, he says he's willing to give me time, but Kylen was giving the Old Man time too. She said that there comes a point when the relationship is just without hope and you have to cut your losses. When will Lee and I reach that point? Will I even know when we're close?
And the bottom line… could I survive without him? Ironically, I know the answer to that one. Not a chance in hell. Not one frakking chance in hell. He's kept me sane since the beginning of this war, and not just with his friendship either. He's been a leader, and an example, and someone who I really wanted to impress with my talent as a pilot and my ability to do my job. I think he has been, but my personal conduct hasn't been so exemplary. Still, it's been better, and I know part of that is that I don't want my behavior reflecting badly on him. How's that for a change? I not only care what he thinks, but I care what others think about him. Wonders will never cease.
But still, as much as I care and admitting I love him, I'm still screwing this up. Why can't I just tell him that I… well… I guess that's the problem. I really don't know how I feel. I'm not the "happily ever after" type, and I don't really want marriage and kids. Oddly, it wasn't until Zak and I were engaged and he started talking about family that I started getting nervous about the situation. It wasn't that I was unprepared to be his life; the whole life-partner thing has a certain appeal, and yeah the sex was great. But kids… I don't even know how to keep myself out of trouble most days. I don't want to be responsible for little Karas, I want to fly. And I've seen Lee with kids. He's absolutely great, and I know family is important to him. He'll want a family, just like Zak does. I'm just not ready for that, and I'm sensible enough to know it and realize that it's a situation which won't go away on its own.
On top of that, there's the fact that he's my CAG. I've spent a lot of years convincing folks that I don't sleep around – whatever else I've been accused of – and if I start up with Lee and things don't work out, then I'm back at square one only worse. I'd have set a president that I would sleep with other pilots, and that would make for a really uncomfortable living environment. All this assuming I don't get pulled up on charges for fraternization. All this assuming that Lee doesn't get in trouble for sexual harassment because I'm beneath him in the direct chain of command. And rolled up in all of that is the fear that the Old Man won't approve of it, and yes that does matter to me. I respect him far too much for him to think that I'm only after his sons. And yes, I know that decision should be Lee's and not his father's, but it's such a huge chance to take.
I look over at the clock and see that I've been running this nonsense though my mind for almost two hours. I'm on duty in less than four, and I haven't slept at all. Not good. Finally, I do what I knew I was going to have to, and yet refused to allow myself. With a sigh, I grab my alarm and make the short walk to Lee's office. I don't have the excuse of quarters being crowded. In fact, only two people are there, and both are sound asleep. No, I'm not here for privacy or quiet, and there's no use telling myself that I am. I'm here because I want to be, and the pillow smells like Lee, and in here I think I can finally relax enough to get some rest. I check my alarm, pry the blankets from beneath the mattress, and slide between his covers. Before I know what's happening, I slide into a deep and dreamless sleep. Amazing what a little comfort can do.