Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Princess_alex24@hotmail.com
Annie sat in her room alone, with her pillow clutched in her arms as she leaned against the wall beside her bed. She'd screwed up so badly. Kissing Christy had been a mistake. It was like she was outside of her body watching the train wreck, but she didn't have the will to stop it. Christy was being so nice, like she always was and Annie just had to, needed to, kiss her.
A tear slid out from her closed eyes and she sighed shakily. For one brief moment it had been perfect, but the shock in Christy's eyes when she pulled away made that fantasy crumble. Things were never going to be the same between them. Annie was going to lose her completely. Christy must be so freaked out.
The knock on the door was a bit of a surprise. The others had gone with Myeisha to watch another movie in the T.V. room. There was another knock, so Annie rolled off her bed and wiped at her eyes before cracking it opened.
"Annie, I finished my Danger room session." Christy was standing there, not really looking at her and looking so nervous. Annie's heart sank. This was it. Christy was going to tell her that she didn't want to be around her, that it would be best if they didn't see each other anymore. Christy finally looked at her and Annie couldn't pull her eyes away from the woman. "It's almost dinner time and I… I need to get out of here. Come with me?"
"What?"
"I don't feel up to talking with the teachers tonight. I was hoping you and I could go have dinner and talk." Christy's voice was soft, as if she thought she could hurt Annie with it if she weren't careful. "I borrowed a car."
"I'll…" Annie glanced down at her wrinkled clothes, and knew that her face needed to be washed to get the tear tracks off of it. "I'll get ready." Her voice was rough from crying and she didn't feel up to being out, but she couldn't say no to Christy.
"Okay. Ummm. Meet me at my room. You know where it is right?"
"Yeah, I can find you."
********
Christy left the girls dorm, noticing that it was relatively empty on a Sunday night. She had to talk with Annie today. Every day that she didn't would make it that much more awkward.
Once she finished with her meeting with Hank she'd sat in her room for an hour, alone. She thought about her powers and what they would mean.
Focusing on this latest problem with Annie needed to be done and it gave her a break from her disturbingly deep thoughts. If she'd gone to dinner with the faculty everyone would want to talk about her session and her powers, and she didn't really think she could eat and think about either of those.
That setting was too close to home and it still rattled her that she'd been in there. She'd come so close to just spending that time seeking food and supplies. The X-men had no idea how close she came to losing herself in that simulation. That was one small conciliation, they didn't know.
Christy shook herself out of those thoughts and walked up the stairs to her room. She needed to finish drying her hair and get ready to go out. She slowed down as a thought hit her. Hopefully Annie didn't think this was a date. She hadn't even considered that when she came up with this plan. Christy rolled her eyes at her own stupidity and stepped into her room.
********
Annie stared at Christy's door for a moment, a nervous flutter in her chest. Finally she knocked before someone walked by and wondered what she was doing there.
Christy just opened the door for her to come in and moved back to her bed with her cell phone to her ear. The apologetic look she sent Annie's way made her smile just a little. "Well Mom, I have to go. It's dinner time here." Christy's mom had more to say and Christy grabbed her jacket with one hand while listening. "Okay, I'll see you later." Christy seemed to exhale in relief when she was finally able to hang up. "I'm sorry about that. I really thought I could just call and say hi."
Annie felt a bit awkward. Christy was acting like normal with her and somehow Annie had expected… she didn't know, something to be different. She gave Christy a weak smile. "So…" She didn't know what to say.
"I printed out the local restaurants and directions." Christy pointed to a pile of papers on the bed. Annie picked up the pile to check them out.
As she was looking, she could feel Christy's eyes on her and it made her nervous. "So how did your Danger room thing go?" She asked while trying to concentrate on their dinner choices.
"I… not that great." Annie looked up at that. She thought Christy would have kicked some serious butt. "I didn't come anywhere near completing the mission and Scott had a lot of things to say in the debriefing."
"Really? What?" Annie found herself relaxing a little, but the expression on Christy's face kept her from being too comfortable. Christy was debating about saying something, like she usually did when the conversation turned to her.
"I don't feel like thinking about that just yet." Christy glanced at the papers in her hand. "You picked a place yet?"
Annie shook her head. "You never want to talk about you." She snapped and then instantly felt bad when Christy's face fell.
"I haven't had a very good day Annie." Christy spoke quietly. "I just want… a break from it. The danger room session was a mess, my appointment with Hank was… not good. I just want to get out of here before anyone comes to talk to me about it. Can we just get out of here?" Annie was stunned at the hint of coldness in Christy's voice.
"Sure… let's go." Annie picked a sheet with directions almost at random so that they had a place to go.
********
Christy noticed the silence. It was hard to miss. Annie had followed her silently to the garage, got in the car without saying much and the radio wasn't on. This was just about as hard as she imagined it would be. "You're co-pilot. You need to give me directions as we go." She handed the map to Annie.
Annie was right, she never talked about herself much. She was afraid of contradicting what had happened in this world and leaving room for people to doubt. Did she need to worry about that anymore? Annie and the kids were across the country from the family that might be able to notice the differences in the stories if there were some. And she now had some history of her own on this world.
Christy started to talk while they drove on the highway. She made sure to keep an eye out for the exit Annie said they needed. "My body is… not real." This was harder to talk about than she'd prefer. "Hank's not really sure what's going on and he's trying to figure it out, but… it's hard to do because I don't have blood to test. I don't show up on x-rays very well either because my body isn't real."
She took the exit they needed and sat stiffly while she waited for the light so she could turn left onto the street. She could see the restaurant from here.
"That's why you're upset?" Annie finally spoke. The touch on Christy's arm made her flinch, she hadn't been expecting it. When Christy turned to look at Annie the girl was staring at where her hand touched Christy's arm. "You feel real to me." The touch was just short of a caress and Christy felt extremely uncomfortable with that. It must have showed on her face, because Annie pulled back her hand and sat back in her seat. "You look human, you feel human… you even register on mutant detectors as human. There are worse powers to have."
That struck Christy silent. There were worse powers, she knew that… it's just that she… she was the only survivor of her world and this made it feel like… Christy's eyebrows drew together as she pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. She sat still making no move to get out of the car after she mechanically turned it off and pulled out the keys. "I guess we're here." She muttered when she realized that Annie was just sitting in her seat staring at her.
They got a booth and the booths had tall backs. The illusion of privacy was nice, but it was just an illusion. Christy couldn't talk about mutations here and talking about the kiss before dinner would ruin Annie's appetite. She'd planned this poorly, and the privacy of the booth was starting to give her date like vibes.
"The Professor called me when you were… busy earlier." Annie spoke a bit more slowly than normal. She wasn't used to disguising a conversation. "We switched my classes around to add a medical class."
"Just because you may have an… aptitude… for medicine doesn't mean you have to go into it if you don't want to." Christy didn't want any of her students pigeon holed into careers because of their mutations. "You were interested in English and teaching."
Annie gave her a small smile, but that underlying tension between them was still very present. Until they dealt with that kiss and Annie's feelings it would probably always be there. "I'm just taking it as an elective. I should know something about medicine."
"Well, okay." Christy glanced at their waiter walking past without their food yet again. She really wouldn't mind eating to distract them a bit. "But don't let them talk you into something you don't want." Once they finished eating they could leave.
"What did you want to major in when you were in High School?" Annie asked.
Christy started to try and remember what her counterpart had written she wanted in one of her endless journals, but then just stopped. She always tried to do that. Answer like she was that other woman, but she wasn't. "I would have liked to major in Art, but I wasn't any good at it. Still I took as many art classes as I could while I was there." It was hard to get over the part of her that screamed that she hadn't checked the other Christy's transcripts to see if she could say these things. "I'd stay after school and work on my projects."
"Art?" Annie smiled at her. "I never would have guessed that one. You don't have any supplies around the house."
Christy gave a tense smile. "I gave them away." Actually she'd still had them, but it was a different world. Maybe that other Christy hadn't been interested in Art. Just like she wasn't interested in keeping journals.
"What were you like in high school?"
"You're asking a lot of questions." Christy glanced around for that waiter again.
"You're finally answering them."
Christy stared at Annie for a moment. "I was a decent student, quiet… had a small group of misfit friends." Christy could see some of who she had been in Annie, but she didn't know if saying that would be good. She was very dedicated to school, the type of student that teachers trusted, and one that didn't do socializing that well. "I didn't come out until I graduated." Christy added a new layer to the conversation, knowing that this was something else Annie might need to talk about.
"So did you date guys then?" Annie wasn't smiling now.
"No, well… not on purpose." Christy shook her head. "I went out with a friend once only to find out it was distinctly date like. That was uncomfortable. I just never even considered that he was asking me out."
"You went on a date and didn't realize it?" Annie smirked at her.
"Twice." Christy felt a blush on her face as she grinned guiltily. "I fell for it in college too." That made Annie laugh, just as the waiter finally brought their dinner.
********
As they left the restaurant Annie thought that if this had been a date it would have been perfect. Annie glanced over at Christy across from across the car roof and sighed. She'd tried asking Christy about her past before but she'd always been shut down. Tonight was different. Tonight Christy wasn't closed off, and she'd actually admitted to being truly bothered by her mutation. Sure, Christy had told Annie and the others about problems before, like a lack of money or a time problem, but never anything this personal.
The problem was it made Annie love Christy even more. This rarely shown vulnerability was so beautiful.
Christy looked up at her and blushed. She'd caught Annie staring at her. "Annie, you know this isn't a date right?" Christy spoke quietly and the verification was a little painful to hear.
"I know."
Christy stared at her and Annie felt exposed, naked. "If I were still that girl in high school…" Christy shook her head. "That girl could have loved you, but I'm not her anymore. I haven't been for a long time." Annie felt like Christy was ripping her skin off, it was that painful, but she just swallowed hard and stood still, staring at the car rather than let Christy see the pain in her eyes. "I hate that I'm hurting you, because… you're my family. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be." The sound of pain in Christy's voice was a surprise. "But I hope that I won't lose what we do have in all of this, because you have no idea how important you are to me."
Annie's eyes reluctantly moved up to see Christy looked really worried. She moved around the car and pulled Christy into a hug before even thinking about it, before worrying that Christy would think she was trying something. "You have no idea how much I needed to meet you last summer… no idea." Christy whispered to her and Annie could feel the woman's tension calming.
She pulled back, not wanting to push it. "So it was lucky for both of us." She smiled.
********
Christy drove back towards the school feeling a bit more drained. Today hadn't been easy, but she thought that perhaps she'd done the right thing taking Annie out. They got back a over an hour after the others had finished eating, and in time for Annie to go catch another movie with the others. Christy walked her there and stared at the easy way her kids were getting along with a group of other kids. They were making friends. That was a relief, but a part of her felt a bit replaced. She didn't stay when they asked her to. They needed to branch out with new friends and she wasn't going to make the other kids feel strange about hanging out with her.
Once she was back in the main building she checked Emma's office but she wasn't there. The keys to the car jangled in her hand as she tried to figure out where to find the blonde. It wasn't really that late yet.
Christy didn't find Emma when she checked the kitchen, but she did find someone. Bishop seemed a bit bigger when they were alone together, and his suspicious eyes more intimidating. "Ah…" Christy gave him a weak smile, "I'm looking for Emma."
He was quiet a little too long as he studied her. "She decided to take a nap after dinner. You might try her room."
"Oh, no… that's okay." Christy pushed the keys into her pants pocket. It wasn't worth waking Emma up. She could give them to her later. She also didn't know where Emma's room was and wasn't feeling like asking Bishop.
********
Emma had set her alarm for when most people should be going to sleep. Her lack of sleep along with the drain of reading Christy the night before meant she'd need the rest before trying to do that again.
Jean was in the lower levels and Emma barely glanced at her as she took her place in Cerebra. If she asked the redhead to leave she would probably argue that she should stay. Jean was nervous about the strange nature of the entrance Emma used to scan Christy, and worried that just because she hadn't been able to find it, that it wasn't stable. It was inconceivable to Jean that Emma had found what she couldn't, Emma was sure that Jean's failure to find the crack in Christy's armor was due more to lack of paying attention.
Emma hadn't been pleased to hear that Jean had tried to find the breach in the shield during the day. Emma had to defend her belief that she was the one that should scan Christy and also had to listen to the Professor comment on how she should have mentioned her plans to try that before doing it. If she'd mentioned it they would have debated about whether it was morally right to do it until it was almost time for Christy to leave. Emma also hadn't been sure she'd be able to do it and didn't want to advertise a failure. She still believed her way was best, and since she was the only one to get in past Christy's shields, the Professor and Jean had backed down. Emma grabbed the helmet and gave Jean a small smirk before putting it on.
Emma's astral form glided up to the shield, which looked like an impenetrable dome and she moved her hand to caress it as she walked. The breach was around here somewhere. She'd made sure to try and remember the way. She found it easily this time and noticed that it hadn't changed in shape. It was just as Emma had left it.
She slipped in carefully, so that Christy didn't notice the intrusion and followed the small markers she'd left in Christy's mind to find where she'd left off. It was a trick telepaths learned early on to map a persons mind. The emotionally charged memories became denser towards the last marker, showing Emma without her even having to look that she was in for a long night and may still not get to it all. Not at the rate her connection was.
********
Christy stopped walking and the other people in her team stopped with her. They only had a little longer and the camp would be able to see them coming. She looked at her people, studied their haunted expressions and just nodded that they could start moving. They were short one man today. Not that unusual, people died on the hunts often. Not her team, but the other teams did.
The sound of excited voices told Christy they'd been spotted, and the take had been spotted as well. She took a shaky breath and tried to shake off the uneasy feeling she had as they returned the conquering heroes.
The leaders were standing outside waiting for them when they finally stopped near the storage area with a very rare and large haul of meat. "Go ahead and unload." She spoke quietly to her team and moved towards the leaders to report. They were obviously very curious and pleased.
"I see you actually found something today." Zack still managed to make that sound like an insult. Christy ignored him and addressed Richard.
"We lost a man." She spoke quietly. It was the first that she'd ever lost and she felt like she'd failed. Like she shouldn't have let them leave to be together, but with such little time left to live Christy hadn't wanted her people to know nothing but work. The others had quietly reassured her that they'd rather be able to live for themselves a little and take those risks than just become drones that seek food and supplies every moment of their lives.
The leaders acknowledged her report and then glanced at Christy's surviving team members. "You found meat."
"We took it from the raiders that killed our team member." Christy managed to say it without cringing. She looked at her team, their solemn expressions and knew that she could try and pass off their lack of enthusiasm about the take as grief over their own dead. They'd buried him nearby where he died. "My people could use a few days off."
"With a take like this, you earned it." Richard barely glanced at Zack's irritated expression. Zack rode Christy and her team harder than any other. "The other hunters should be back soon. We should celebrate."
"We should try and make this take last." Christy was not in a celebrating mood. "There won't be any other lucky takes like this."
"We can't know that, and meat will spoil if not used quickly enough." Zack interrupted. "Perhaps you've finally made a good move, stealing from the robbers."
Christy didn't blink as she stared at him. She didn't hate many people, but she hated him. She hated his constantly telling her about her damned soul and her disgusting perversions, as if being gay wiped out any good she'd done in her life. She wasn't the only gay person in the tribe, but she was bothered about it more often, because she was a woman… and he had no lover. Of course even if he'd not stopped the plans to rescue those women that were taken by raiders he wouldn't have one. He was hardly a catch.
Once the leaders were done talking with her Christy went to her room to avoid the thankful looks of the other people and her team, which only made her feel worse about what she was doing. Did she really have the right to do this? Was it too late to be asking these questions? The meat was in the store room, the camp all knew about it.
The knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts. The woman at the door was one that Christy didn't talk to often. Of course she didn't talk to many of the adults that weren't on her team. "Christy." She stared at her and Christy had no idea why. "The leaders said that since you were the leader of your team, you will get a larger share of the take." Christy had seen that done when large takes were found. Food only lasted so long after all, so perishables were divided up in a way that hopefully none of the rare food spoilt. The woman looked nervous as she looked at her, and then her eyes fell to the floor in a most submissive way. "I have two children. I used to have three… and my babies are so thin…" She looked up with tears in her eyes. "I don't have a relative on the hunt teams. We never get more than the basic…"
Christy took a deep breath. She'd seen this woman's kids, buried one of them. "I'll share." She gave a minimal answer, unable to look the woman in the eye when she did that.
"You're saving their lives." The woman started to sob with relief. "Oh God thank you. You really are an Angel." The way she spoke was almost worshipful and Christy didn't like that. She didn't feel like much of an Angel at all. If there was a Hell, she was going there.
********
Christy sat at a table, surrounded by candle light. Sleep wasn't a possibility. The cards she'd found were on the table, laid out so that she could see them all. "What you doing up?" The voice behind her surprised her. It was one of her team, Mark.
"Can't sleep." She turned back to the cards, rearranging them, staring at them. The faces of X-men stared back at her from one side of the table, and the other mutants like Mystique and Magneto sat on the other side.
"Yeah. That's going around." He sighed and moved to sit at the table with her. Christy could feel the eyes on her but she stayed focused on her game of finding all the X-men in the deck. "X-men eh?" He looked at the cards. "I used to collect the comics."
"Me too." Christy glanced up at him. "Had to stop when I realized I was spending so much on them." He gave her a small smile and reached out to pick up a card. He treated it gently so Christy relaxed and didn't complain. This was really her only possession that she gave a damned about.
"Do you have a favorite?" Christy stared at the cards around. This was the first time in a while she remembered talking about anything pre-apocalypse and not feeling a pang of pain.
"Emma." Christy found the card and pulled it out of it's place. He put the card in his hand down gently and took the one she was offering.
"You just like that she barely wears clothes." He smirked at her while looking at that outfit Emma wore.
"No, Emma would still be my favorite if she were dressed." Christy smiled. "She's strong, smart, powerful…" Christy studied the card in his hand, her voice getting quieter. "She's been through hell and came out better for it. Not everyone does that."
"Yeah, the Hellions." He answered and Christy realized that he did know Emma. "She was a bad guy." He said that as if Christy should re-evaluate her favorite because of that.
"Those are the most interesting characters." She took the card back from him and put it in its place. "The ones that drag themselves out of darkness."
"Jean's more powerful."
"But she isn't as smart. She married Cyclops."
"Well Emma's having an affair with him." Christy turned to stare at him.
"No!" Christy was horrified at the idea. "Emma could do so much better, she deserves so much better." Mark glanced at the cards and then back at her.
"No, it was probably just a fan fiction." He spoke softly. "I can't see her with him either." Christy felt a little better, but was embarrassed by Mark's stare. She'd been a bit too emphatic in her denial.
"These are nice cards." Mark spoke as if he wanted that conversation to be over for now. Christy sat up a little taller, realizing that he'd come out here to talk with his leader and she'd just been Christy for a little while. It's just she didn't get to just be herself very often anymore.
"So, what did you need?"
"Are we doing the right thing?" He looked at her, his eyes pleading with her to say yes. The meat was being distributed tomorrow, after the last hunting team got home.
Christy swallowed all her doubts and looked at him as if she had no doubts of her own. "If we don't people will die. The Leaders would never let anyone chose to eat. Even those willing wouldn't get the choice."
"Yeah." He sighed and glanced towards the apartments. "We already lost so many people. If it weren't for the other small tribes joining ours…" He wanted to believe they were right.
Christy didn't say anything else and just watched him wander off, before turning back to her cards. She opened the pack she'd taken from the game and flipped through them quickly, looking for the cards she'd seen on the back of the box. The Death card had the grim reaper staring back from a black background, the War card had a barbarian warrior staring back from a red background, the Pestilence card had a rat surrounded by swarming locusts on a green background, and the famine card… Christy stared at it for a moment longer than the others, it had a starving skeleton of a man standing on a golden background. These were the cards of an apocalypse. She just sighed. Amazing what people can predict. All four of these had been a problem . "You just have to be willing to play the cards against each other." She whispered to herself as she set the Pestilence and War cards over famine. "Too bad nothing beats Death."
********
Christy watched the other tribe walk into their camp, trailing after Zack and another hunter team. They couldn't seriously be considering taking on that many new mouths to feed. Her heart started to drop as she watched the procession of about twenty weak looking people. They wouldn't be able to contribute. She hated that part of her wanted to send them away. They threatened the safety of the others. Having high numbers of people that did nothing wasn't helpful.
Later that night Zack found her walking the perimeter. "You need to take your people out again. We need more food."
They'd just gotten back two days before and their leaders had promised them some rest. "We wouldn't need more if you didn't take in beggars." She snapped at him. He never went on a hunt, claiming that someone needed to always be at the camp.
"Don't question me. Just be prepared to leave tomorrow. You need to get another large take or you can be on death detail again. It seemed to properly motivate you last time." He glared at her. He hadn't cared for the others acting like she was a hero, and that was abundantly clear in his cold eyes. "A single good take won't keep anyone alive for long. You need to do better."
"If you even once went out on a hunt you'd know you're asking for the impossible." Christy glared at him. "But you stay here and play God instead. Wouldn't want the tribe to miss a day of walking around your lazy ass." Normally she wouldn't let him get to her, but she just couldn't keep doing this. She couldn't go out and stare at empty shelves.
"Take it from the raiders if you need to." He glared at her and hissed. "And you had better treat me with respect or you will find yourself banished."
Christy leaned just a little closer to him. "You can't banish anyone alone." He turned and left angrily. She was done playing his game.
********
They'd been out for days and didn't find anything. It had been expected. What hadn't been expected was the close call with the raiders. Christy's people just barely managed to get into hiding when they noticed the raiders coming their way with a large take of their own.
Christy spoke to her team once they came out of hiding. She'd spent the time the raiders took walking past their hiding spots thinking. "They had a big take." Christy spoke slowly while looking at each of her people. "Not a lot of man power either."
"You can't mean to fight them for it." Peter sounded shocked. "Those men were huge."
"But there weren't a lot of them." Christy looked the way they'd gone.
"I have to agree with Peter on this one." Mark's words pulled her attention back to her team. "We can't fight those men."
"Not in the open. I have a gun." The tribe didn't have enough guns to give everyone a gun, just the team leaders had one. Phil had to show her how to use it. "Some of them were armed… we could use those weapons too."
"You're planning to start a war." Peter wasn't sounding like he was planning to pay attention to the fact that Christy was the leader here. "First you turn us into cannibals and now you want to start a war with the Raiders? It's suicide."
Christy felt like she'd been kicked, but she didn't let it show. She glared at him. "If none of them survive there can't be a war. We aren't taking on all the raiders, just this small team."
"And are you planning to have us turn them into steaks again?" His voice was rising and the others just watched this. Christy felt the threat to her position as leader acutely. If she didn't deal with this they would never function well as a team, and that was what got the other hunting teams killed.
"What do you think we should do?" Christy asked Peter without any venom. "We don't have long to make up our minds. Once the raiders are too far away we won't be able to catch up."
"Well, we shouldn't attack the raiders." He spat out quickly.
"What about food. Should we go home without any?" Christy stared at him and he was clearly unhappy being in this position. "Maybe we can tell the leaders that we can't feed everyone. Who shouldn't get food? The old? The kids?"
"This is bullshit!"
"Yes it is, and this is the shit I have to think about every day." She growled at him. "I have to make decisions knowing that people will die if I make a mistake. So tell me great leader, what should we do? You have just a couple minutes to make up your mind. Do we kill those raiders or do we bury our own?" He was silent for a little too long. Christy's voice softened. "I know. I know it's hard to make these decisions. If you want to believe I ordered you to kill people you can, but keep in mind that these people are killing people too. The raiders kill tribes, rape anyone they want and hoard food. For every raider we kill how many people do they not kill?"
Peter finally just nodded. He looked pale and sick. Christy decided to give him the only mercy she could. She didn't make him say it. "So regardless of what you think, we are going to take those men down." She moved her eyes over her entire team. "They aren't used to people fighting back. Everyone runs from Raiders. We have to be careful and none of them can live or we might see them again. Do you understand?"
Her people nodded and they hid their cart with their meager take to go after the raiders. They followed the raiders for a little while, until Christy thought she had an idea what direction the raiders were going. It was a gamble to move ahead of the men, but they could set up an ambush and that was the safest way to try and take these men down.
The raiders walked like they owned the road they stood on as they lead their own cart towards what must be their camp. Christy had no desire to find their camp, because there were many raiders. The five men were occupied with the cart and their conversations, which Christy tried not to pay attention to. She didn't want to think of these raiders as people. It would just make what she was about to do that much harder.
She took careful aim at what looked like the leader and waited for Mark to tell her the rest of her people were in place. Mark stood in the window with her watching to see when the others got to the areas that these men could run. Christy hated that her people were only armed with knives, but she could see guns in the back of the raiders cart. She had to make sure none of those men got close to those rifles.
"Ready." Was all Mark said.
Christy checked her aim and took a deep breath. This wasn't self defense. This wasn't anything but murder. She fired and watched as the raider's body jerked when the bullet hit him. She moved to shoot at the men that were looking around trying to figure out where it was coming from, and made sure that those trying to get to their weapons didn't make it. Finally there were just two. Two men she kept from the cart with weapons by shooting at them whenever they left their cover.
"Send in our people." Christy spoke as she kept her gun trained on the pair. Unarmed they'd be easier for her people to take on. They also had a larger force right now. Mark moved into the other window and let those across the way know it was time. They in turn forwarded the message. All of this happened out of sight of the targets.
Christy didn't blink and did her best to ignore the tingle of excitement or terror. She wasn't sure which she felt. Shooting those men had been so easy and it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be so easy to kill. She knew they were dead, knew the second they died. It was like their ghosts brushed past her on the way out, the tingle of their passing was disturbing. Her people would think she was insane if she said that.
The fight lasted longer than the shooting did and Christy wasn't a good enough shot to risk firing into that fight. Finally it was Peter that killed one man and the other tried to run. Christy got him in the back.
Christy didn't talk to Mark when she got up. She just made her way to the stairs and went down to see what she'd done.
She barely glanced at her people, which were standing around just staring at the dead. At least this time none of the dead were theirs. She moved to the last man she shot. She hadn't felt that tingle. She moved up to him cautiously. She was very good at knowing when someone died and she didn't think he had, even though he was motionless.
"Oh Mommy…" She barely heard his whisper. "help me." It clenched at her heart. He was young, maybe twenty. Weak with blood loss, dying, but not dead yet. The rest of her team was near the cart now, looking at what these men had with them.
"We need the dead." She swallowed the disgust this gave her and glanced at the men she'd killed. "Take those and get to work." She waved to the ones further away. Her people reluctantly and slowly started to do it. Christy turned to Mark, who she could tell was the only other person to notice the man near Christy's feet wsan't dead yet. She glanced down at the boy dying and then back at him. Her voice was quiet. "Go help them. I have this."
"Christy?" Mark's eyes seemed to be trying to bore their way into Christy's mind.
"I can't let him suffer." Her voice cracked. "Just go. I have this." If they still lived in a world with hospitals that boy might have been able to live.
Once the others were out of sight she fell to her knees beside the boy. "You raiders were supposed to protect us. Instead you stole all the food and terrorize the people." She spoke quietly, but it didn't look like he heard her. She was trying to make him understand why she was killing him, but realized that telling him wouldn't do any good. She was trying to tell herself and no matter what she said she'd regret this for as long as she lived. She just told him one more thing. "I'm sorry." With tears in her eyes she pulled the knife she'd taken from the last raiders across his throat, ending his mumbling.
********
Emma flinched when someone touched her. "It's getting late again." Jean's voice helped to ground her to her own body and Emma opened her eyes. The tears in her eyes registered to her as she took off the helmet. Of course Jean would be right there to witness this. Normally she could go into someone's mind and see the horrors of their life without feeling it so intensely. "Emma?"
Emma brushed off Jean's concern. "I'm fine." She was a little less than polite, but then she was still shaking off Christy's memories. She didn't feel like she could stand just yet. This was exhausting. The amount of power she had to use to read Christy was unbelievable.