Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Princess_alex24@hotmail.com
Christy was surprised how hard it was to stop crying. During the time on her own world she'd managed to keep control, she had no choice but to do that, but now she was barely able to.
It was still hard to wrap her mind around the fact that Emma knew. Emma knew and was still holding her. She wasn't avoiding her eyes or any of the things that the others had done. Christy pulled Emma tighter to her and didn't want to let go. The rest of the X-men might want to abandon her, but this one… she had this one. Emma was the most important one anyhow.
Finally with a shaky sigh she pulled back and reluctantly let go. It had been a while since she'd been hugged. She rarely let her students that close, and really there was no one else, and no one that she didn't have to be brave and play the leader for. Her students needed to believe she was strong, just like her tribe had needed that… and it made her so very lonely to pretend all the time.
Emma stepped back so that Christy could get off of her desk. "Let's go to your room while the children are in classes, it will be better if we don't run into too many people." Christy just nodded. She was so very willing to let someone else be in charge right now.
She took a few deep breaths and found herself envisioning her old tribe when they were about to cast judgment. She'd had to put on a brave face for that. She hadn't wanted them to realize how much it had hurt. When everything else was gone, she still had her dignity. She wasn't going to lose that here. She could feel Emma's eyes on her as she stood taller and waited for Emma to unlock the door. It was best to not look at the woman. Christy was just barely holding on and even a little kindness or sympathy would start the tears up again.
********
Christy was pulling herself together faster than Emma thought she would, but it wasn't very comforting that she could do that. Emma watched the tense back and was aware that Christy was hiding behind her leader mask yet again. She looked like she was about to lead troops into battle rather than just go back to her room to rest and talk.
"Relax." She spoke quietly and watched Christy's body go through the task of relaxing, it wasn't real, it just looked less stiff. Christy wasn't looking at her and it was a bit obvious. Emma unlocked the door and they started down the hallway. Emma noticed the clenched fists and could imagine Christy's fingernails cutting into her skin. She started to focus on masking them to the few people still wandering around and didn't bother to reprimand some students she knew should be in a class.
"I noticed Annie didn't wear her image inducer to class this morning." Emma started to talk about something completely unrelated and notice a more natural paced walk start. Christy wasn't racing anymore. This was how Christy dealt with her own painful emotions, by worrying about others.
"That's good." Christy smiled weakly, but didn't turn to face her as they stepped outside. "I was worried it would take weeks."
"She did look a little nervous, but that could also just be the first day of school." Emma remembered the shocked look on all of Christy's children's faces when they realized Emma used her telepathy in the classroom.
Rogue and Sage were leaving the residence when they were getting closer and Emma made sure to encourage the women to keep moving when it looked like Rogue wanted to say hi.
Christy's room was significantly smaller than Emma's, but then it was a guest room. Christy assumed she was coming in, which was good, but the tension seemed to increase when they were alone.
"I'm sorry for crying all over you." Christy was looking down and still wouldn't look at her. Was she embarrassed about crying? After what she'd been through she shouldn't be. It would drive anyone to tears.
"Do you still have a headache?" Emma asked, ignoring the unneeded apology.
"Yeah." Christy looked a bit surprised that she'd bring that up.
"Can I try and help you?" Emma watched the indecision in Christy's eyes before the woman sat on her bed and finally looked at her. Christy had to know there was no reason to keep her out. Emma wasn't planning to hold her past against her, and didn't really see that it should ever be held against her. Unfortunately she was concerned that some people wouldn't understand this from a simple report.
"I don't know how to let you in." Those soft words were all the permission Emma needed. She hoped that with Christy's help she could do this without Cerebra. The tension Christy had needed to go first though. Emma moved to sit in the chair across from her and didn't move to establish a physical connection yet. She'd need the extra concentration to help her with what shouldn't be a difficult task but was with Christy. If Christy wasn't helping there was no way she'd get in.
"Your shield is like a giant dome. It's thick, impenetrable… but you can create a doorway. You usually do it subconsciously when I touch your shield. You barely open it, but you do. Just enough for me to get in." She watched Christy trying to absorb everything she had to say about this. She would have been a good student to have. She really wanted to understand. Of course if Christy had been from this world and had powers younger, she wouldn't have been Emma's student. They didn't have enough of an age difference.
"Well then why does it hurt when someone pushes too hard?"
"That which can't be broken is sometimes… dented." Emma smirked at her own analogy. "You heal these dents, but until it is healed you have a headache. Normally if I were fighting someone with a strong mental shield I'd slam my powers against it until it cracked, unless I had time to map it out and look for weaknesses."
Emma watched as Christy went quiet and appeared to be deep in thought. Times like this really made Emma wish her telepathy wasn't blocked with her. She wanted to know what she was thinking.
"How do I let you in?" Christy spoke quietly while looking up. Emma had no idea what she'd done to earn such trust from this woman. People with next to no exposure to telepathy rarely agree to open up like this.
********
Emma stood outside the long sought after opening. It was harder for Christy to do this when she was aware of it. Part of her was fighting it, but she finally had the door opened. Instead of going in Emma stood by the door and waited. With Christy's awareness of what was going on in here came one more thing. Emma smirked to see the amazed look on the astral projection Christy made of herself as that Christy hesitantly stepped out of the dome.
Emma glanced at her paying attention to all the details Christy had subconsciously equipped her astral form with. Army boots seemed to crunch on the ground. She wore black pants. In fact Black seemed to be her signature color as much as white was Emma's. She noticed the color of the X-men logo on Christy's t-shirt and the large jacket over it. This was how Christy looked when she hunted, and that was how she defined herself now. The school teacher she'd been wasn't here anymore. Christy adjusted the rifle slung over her shoulder without even thinking about it. Eventually Christy might learn how to change her appearance in here, but until then she'd just appear as she saw herself.
"I can show you what happened when the girls hit you too hard." Emma motioned for them to walk. She'd seen the damage on the way in and hadn't liked it. She would definitely have to say something to them about their disrespect of a guest.
"This is my shield?" Christy was staring up. From here it did look huge and probably a bit intimidating.
"Yes, and where some people create walls you created a full dome fortress of reinforced steel." Emma smirked at the complete overkill, but she wondered what happened to make a non-telepath do such a thing instinctively. It can't have been pleasant. The smirk died down as she thought about that. If what she'd already seen hadn't been the cause of this, then what was?
"How do I fix that?" Christy sounded a bit shocked, so Emma knew they were at the spot. She looked up at the large angry looking dent. All five of her girls had banded together to do this and Emma remembered their shock and disappointment that it hadn't worked just a moment before she stopped them from pushing again.
"You need to focus on what it should look like and slowly it will reform."
********
Christy felt exhausted after she finally managed to fix the problem. It had taken several tries before anything had even happened and apparently a shield like hers took a lot to repair if she didn't want to leave a weakness someone else could take advantage of.
"Good. That looks good." Emma spoke and finally Christy could stop.
"When you and Jean hit me it hurt more." Christy didn't look forward to finding another dent to fix.
"I've already checked for that one. It healed on its own." Christy turned to stare at Emma. She did this and it would have just healed on its own? Emma grinned at her. "You need to know how to fix it yourself if you don't want to suffer a headache every time a telepath tries to test this shield."
They walked back towards the opening and Christy had the strange after date feeling of wondering if she should invite Emma in. She knew Emma had been inside before and Christy didn't really understand how she could be separate from her thoughts like this. Emma would actually end up showing her around. She stood and shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she tried to think about this. Emma just waited patiently. "I know it isn't very nice inside, but do you want…"
"Christy." Emma cut her off quickly. "You don't need to apologize to me for what you've been through." Christy was surprised that Emma sounded irritated. She didn't know how to respond to that. She couldn't imagine anyone actually wanting to see what she had.
Christy stepped into her dome and turned to see Emma following her. "I don't really know." Christy looked out at the strange sight in front of her. It looked like nothing more than colored lights and strings connecting them to her. "Can we hurt anything from in here?"
"I could… but I wouldn't." Emma told her as she moved to stand beside her. After a second Emma spoke a bit more harshly. "Christy! Keep the door opened. I won't hurt you." Christy turned to see the opening was shrinking. She moved to the wall and put both hands on it while trying to concentrate on opening it, like she had to in order to open it in the first place. She let out a long breath when she finally got it back the way it was supposed to be. She could hurt Emma, she had to be careful. God, she didn't want to hurt her. Maybe having her visit wasn't such a great idea.
Emma's hand was suddenly on her arm. "It's okay Christy. If it closed it would be a problem, not a death sentence. I've been out of my body before."
"So if it closes you'll just possess me like you did Bobby?"
Emma just stared at her a moment. "And that is a prime example why Scott and the Professor are so concerned about you. Exactly how much do you know about us?"
Christy wasn't sure how to answer that question. "It's been a while since I kept track of what was going on." She figured that sounded better than saying she hadn't bought comics for a while. It seemed insulting to refer to their lives as comic books. "But I'd hear things on the internet. Bits and pieces that gave me some idea of what was going on." She sighed. "It's hard to answer a question like that."
Emma glanced around and then back at her. "Alright. I have a different question. Are you going to continue to let me see your past?"
Christy's mouth opened but nothing came out. She knew she had intended to just let her, but now it felt wrong. Emma moved closer and rested her hands on Christy's shoulders. "You know so much about me I never chose to tell you, but I think I can trust you with it. Can you trust me? There is so much pain in here and you need to deal with it… but there really aren't a lot of people you can talk to."
"What you haven't seen isn't any prettier than what you have." Christy felt a tear travel down her cheek, but she was determined to have this conversation without breaking down. "I shouldn't burden you with this. I would be making you…"
"You aren't making me do anything. I'm asking. I need to do this, and I need to see how you came to my world." Emma's voice softened just a little. "And I think you need me to see it, don't you? You need someone to witness what you've been through. Someone else to remember your world."
She was the only person to remember her world and the people that died there. Those people deserved more. If something happened to her it would be like her world never was. No legacy, nothing. It was what had bothered so many people more than the death. The fact that one asteroid could render their lives, all their lives from the beginning of man, useless and forgotten. Like they had never been. "Okay." Christy spoke quietly. She'd suffer it again, for them. They'd get the connection that had been broken. Their lives would touch someone else again.
********
"Yeah, she's an Angel of Death." Christy could hear one of her people almost proudly telling Greg across a campfire. She cringed just a little at the description but stayed quiet at the other campfire. "It's amazing. She knows when we've hit them hard enough to kill them or if their still hanging on. Saved my life once that way. I thought the guy was dead and was paying attention to something else when Christy warned me. I turned and the bastard had a gun in his hand. She couldn't even see him from where she was but she just knew he was playing possum. She just knew."
"So, you're an Angel of Death?" Phil asked her quietly. They had a fire to themselves at that moment. Some of her men were checking the perimeter of the makeshift camp.
"I'm no Angel." Christy gave him a weak grin.
He didn't look amused. He just sighed and stared into the flames for a moment. "Where is the meat coming from Christy?" His voice low and Christy debated about telling him. He was the one to give her this team, and he was the one to push her into taking leadership of the tribe.
Her own voice deeper with resignation she answered to the fire as well. "Does it really matter? Without it we are all dead. People are still alive today to hold their lovers, their children, because we have it."
"So it is human." Phil saw through her lack of denial quickly. He was a smart man, and Christy had to gamble on this man being smart enough to realize they had no choices, because she doubted that Greg was.
Whoever they captured to interrogate wouldn't know about the meat. Christy wasn't even going to waste much time asking about that. If she had to torture someone she'd get useful information, like the raiders supply routes or plans.
"My men don't call me the Angel of Death for nothing." She glanced over her camp, her team, and then back at Phil. "I ordered a lot of deaths. We kill raiders, steal their take and everything else we can. You were a hunter Phil. You know as well as I do that the cupboards are bare. There is no other food out there except for what I take. The other hunter teams are coming up with next to nothing, even after a few decided to go after raiders takes. The raiders don't transport as much anymore. Only my team is keeping us all alive." Phil didn't have anything to say to that and it made Christy nervous, fidgety. This was probably a mistake to admit to this, but there wasn't a way for her to hide it without his help.
"Christy, this is…" His words trailed off and Christy noticed he wasn't looking at her or the fire. He was horrified. She remembered that feeling, before it became so routine.
"We grant those raping and murdering bastards a swift merciful death." Christy felt like pleading for understanding, but wasn't going to stoop to it. She was doing what had to be done. "They can't hurt anyone again and we… we live to see another day, free from their attacks and free from starvation."
"I thought maybe it was horse… or the zoo animals. I never really thought that it was…" Phil whispered tensely. "When Richard told me that it could be human, that you could be killing and bringing us human flesh, I told him you weren't like that. You were a good woman, you cared about your people, you told children stories to fill the time."
Christy's eyes grew cold at the accusations. "I'm protecting my people, and I'll do anything I have to in order to give them life, even if it is so very short. I did this, became this, for the tribe. Don't judge me, I know I sold my soul, sold the souls of all my men, but I did it for the tribe."
"I need a walk." He stood up abruptly and left. Christy stared after him a moment, and then noticed the others eyes on them. One of her men was keeping Greg talking so he didn't see this.
Dammit. Christy gritted her teeth and felt tears well up, but she refused to let them fall. She just nodded and two of her people moved to trail after the older man. Greg would notice if she left the area. He had been acting like he was told to never let Christy out of his sight. "I'm sorry Phil." She whispered to the fire. She'd just ordered his death.
It didn't take an hour before the team was sent out to look for him. Christy made a good show of worrying about her friend in front of Greg and he actually moved to try and comfort her when they found his body, because she was crying. She'd crossed yet another line and killed a friend. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that if she hadn't done that the tribe would have died, she couldn't shake the guilt.
It was a very somber team that returned to the camp after his body was buried. Christy made sure to comfort the two people she'd forced to do that and whispered her apologies while Greg helped bury him.
"Okay, this is going to be very tricky." Christy whispered to her second in command while Greg started to sleep. "We actually need to get meat on the raiders cart before Greg sees it, and the raiders bodies have to be untouched. He's going to want to help with the attack, so this has to run like clockwork."
********
Annie knocked on Christy's door. It was almost dinner time and none of them had seen her since she'd been in Erik's class. That was a surprise. Annie didn't even know Christy was going to do that. When no one answered she tried knocking again.
~Christy isn't available.~ A telepathic voice interrupted her third knock. Annie didn't know who was saying that and it made her tense that she didn't see anyone. ~You will need to go to dinner without her.~
"Uh… What?" Annie felt ridiculous talking to herself.
~Christy is busy. You will need to proceed to the cafeteria without her.~ The cold snap in the telepathic voice let Annie know who it was, Emma.
~It's Ms. Frost to the students.~
Annie stood outside the door for a moment more before it felt like her body was turned around and started down the hall without her. The compelling force stopped before the stairs and Annie just turned to stare in shock towards Christy's room.
********
"Perhaps trying this with you conscious and accompanying me today was too soon." Emma spoke quietly as she stared down at the blonde body she'd carefully moved to lay on Christy's bed.
~I'm sorry.~ Christy's internal voice apologized yet again for snapping the doorway shut with Emma on the inside. It was her reaction to a memory that she'd prefer Emma not see.
"It's alright. You just need to calm down and try to reopen the door again." Emma spoke calmly and made sure her irritation didn't leak through. That proved impossible when the alarm went off. "Oh not now!" She hissed as she moved to take the protesting communicator off her own body and put it through Christy's clothes. "Emma we need you at the Blackbird now." Scott's voice called to her.
"This isn't really a good time Cyclops." Emma stared in the mirror. She was still wearing Christy's body.