Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Princess_alex24@hotmail.com
Christy swore she could actually feel the eyes on her as she walked towards the room set up to be the main office of their new tribe. It had been like this for the past month, when it became public knowledge what she was doing. Christy had about half of the original tribe living here now. They came to her so that they could live, but… Christy felt like the eyes on her were full of accusations. We're they mad at her for saving them, or for making the mistake that let them know what they ate to survive?
She was the leader now. Sole leader and she kept it that way. She had subordinates to take care of the camp, but she wasn't sharing power again. It was her sharing power that resulted in this split. If she'd been in charge her people could have lived the rest of their lives in blessed ignorance. She'd heard about the outbreak of suicide in her old tribe. Some nights she imagined that she could feel it even this far away. When new groups of people left that place to come to her they filled everyone in on what was happening. Some people couldn't deal with the knowledge. It took a great deal of effort to keep Christy from feeling the guilt. If she'd only been more careful with the bodies after she stripped them, or kept a better lookout the night they were caught…
"Christy, I think you need to see this." Mark came up to her before she got to the office to check on proposals and schedules. He wasn't smiling. "Come with me to the pick up spot."
"What is it?" She started to walk with him at a faster rate.
"I think you need to see this first." He didn't answer her, which was unusual. She let it go, but waved a few of her hunting team to join them as they got ready to leave.
The pick up spot was far enough away from their new camp that the old tribe wouldn't find their camp easily, but close enough for the hike to not be over an hour. At the pace Christy took it was a half hour but she made sure not to tire herself out too badly. Mark was supposed to bring the waiting back with him, but he didn't today. He'd left them to wait for her orders.
As soon as she came into view Mark handed her a pair of binoculars. After taking a look at the waiting people she could see why. Zack stood there in the midst of a small group. "I didn't approach them yet." Mark told her and Christy didn't take her eyes off of the older man that had tormented her for a year. The man that had tried to convince the tribe to kill her was waiting to join her tribe.
"Is the perimeter clear?" She asked while watching the man in the field look about impatiently.
"Yep, can't see a trap. That bastard may have actually come here to join." Mark sounded as disbelieving as Christy felt.
"Everyone be on alert." Christy muttered and handed the binoculars back to her second. She stood taller and started down the hill. "I have to see this."
Zack looked far too arrogant for a beggar. Christy walked up to him. "So what do I owe this pleasure Zack?"
"I want to go to your tribe." He said it as if he were ordering something at a store and not groveling for forgiveness.
"But we're cannibals Zack." She told him flatly. Her men were addressing the other newcomers and just Christy and Mark stood here with Zack, removed from the normal routine. "Surely you aren't changing your mind now."
Zack's lips puckered clearly he wasn't happy. "The other hunting teams are getting nothing. The supplies are low because your people robbed us."
"We didn't rob you." Christy's smirk faded and she glared at him. "We only took our fair share of supplies and tools. I could have taken it all and been right, since most of that stuff came from my team." She hadn't authorized that. A group that came to join them brought those supplies with them and Christy kept them. It seemed fair, and returning the items would be problematic anyhow.
He wanted to argue. Christy could see it, but he took a deep breath and tried to look contrite. The look seemed very fake on him. "Well, we aren't eating. I want to join your tribe."
"No." Christy could have tormented him more, and dragged this out, but she knew what she was condemning him to by denying his request and it was better to just get it out fast and let him deal with it. She'd never denied anyone this before because of that. Even a few people that she suspected would be trouble to deal with. "Go back to your tribe Zack. I won't take you."
"You can't do this." His voice rose in panic. Christy could see a few of the newcomers glance over at them.
"You wanted to kill me for doing what had to be done Zack. Now you want to just wander in here and let me care for you?" Her head shook in disbelief at his nerve. "You didn't even apologize…"
"I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear? I was wrong."
"No." Christy stared at him. "There's nothing you can say. I won't take you. Go back home Zack."
"You Bitch!" He took a step closer, but Mark moved to stand in front of Christy with clear menace. "I'll die. You're killing me."
"Yes." Christy spoke softly. She didn't feel much either way about his life. He would try to undermine her authority almost immediately. She knew him well enough for that, and she wasn't going to risk that with people already tense and unhappy around her. It took all she had to keep things going as is. She couldn't deal with a troublemaker. "Goodbye Zack. See you on the other side."
"No, you won't be getting into heaven." He practically spit those words out.
"I know, and neither will you." She turned around and started to walk away. They walked in silence for almost ten minutes. Zack's angry screams faded after a while, because a few of Christy's people stayed behind to make sure he didn't follow. The newcomers along side her other team members made no attempt to speak with her, and Christy felt the eyes on her but if she glanced over towards them anyone looking looked away.
"Keep an eye on the newcomers and get them jobs as soon as we get there."
"Yes your majesty." He smirked at her and it helped to raise her spirits.
"Your majesty?" She had to ask about that new name. He smiled and moved closer, putting his arm around her in a friendly gesture.
"Yes, you are the Queen of our tribe. The Queen of the Damned." He spoke obviously mocking Zack.
"Fucking Anne Rice." Christy muttered, but managed to grin at the man next to her.
"Nope, can't say I ever did that." Mark pushed her a little as he pulled back to a more respectful distance. The newbies were looking at them, clearly nervous about Christy. Her command mask slid back into place. People were too uncomfortable when she acted like a real person.
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A week after denying Zack entry into the tribe and people still whispered about it behind her back. Christy heard the rumors about what was being said from her hunting team, or what had been her hunting team. She'd had to split up the team so that the other hunters had at least one experienced hunter on the team. Several of the hunters new to this life were having trouble dealing with what they did and another suicide happened.
"I have to do something." She muttered to herself and sighed. Some people thought that she should accept anyone that wanted in like the old tribe had. Some people thought they shouldn't let anyone else in because they didn't want to have to kill more raiders to feed them. Some people also complained about the command structure, which consisted of Christy and a second tier of leaders which were her hunting team. They thought it wasn't right that only Christy's people had power. "I should have denied more people." She muttered when she thought of some of the more outspoken against her.
"You really shouldn't go out on a hunt." Debbie said as she came up behind her. Christy glanced at the woman and then back out at the trees.
"I won't ask anyone to do what I won't." Christy spoke quietly.
"You're the leader. You should be staying here and leading." Christy's jaw tightened at that. She needed a break from this place and she needed to hunt.
"Mark can take care of things while I'm gone." Christy wished she could have her old team back, but it was important to split up the experienced hunters. She'd be going out with Tom's group.
Christy could hear Debbie stiffening up. "You better be careful, someone might think you actually like doing that." Her voice was cold.
"I don't care if they think I like it or not." Christy glared at Debbie. Debbie was a bit more conscious of what people said and it bothered Debbie while Christy didn't let it bother her. Her people could think she was a monster, Christy didn't care as long as they did what they were supposed to and obeyed orders. If she wanted to get away from this place and the damned stares she was going to get away.
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Emma was taking the memories as fast as she could. The connection was stronger than it had ever been and they could possibly get this done tonight. Christy wasn't even subconsciously fighting her.
Emma pulled herself more tightly to Christy's body and felt Christy's desire flicker again. Christy's mind pulled her in further and increased the connection at that contact. "Yes that's it." Emma whispered a bit of encouragement. She smirked just a little, amused that the normal tricks worked on Christy so well. Christy had asked once why she wore so little into battle. It was to do more than just distract the enemy. When people were thinking of Emma they were a little easier to read. It was the way a mind reached out to the object of one's thoughts, even non-telepaths did that to a small extent, even though they couldn't make that telepathic connection.
They moved on to another memory as soon as the connection was strengthened. The picking of memories was a little more random, because it looked like Christy was a bit numb to her emotions in this block of time and nothing had a real strong glow to it. Emma still wanted to see them.
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"Everyone works." Christy spoke flatly while staring at the new small tribe that wanted to join her. "Even the kids have jobs." She strongly suspected this small tribe of fifteen hadn't been that disciplined. This tribe had taken the news of how Christy kept her people so healthy rather hard, and had left. But they were back now. They got over their moral issues apparently.
"Well, I always thought that the kids job was to learn." The woman next to that tribes leader challenged her. Christy's eyes narrowed. These people had been so insulting the last time they were here.
"They do learn. They learn that everyone has a job and everyone contributes." Even little Ian had a job, a small one but a job. They didn't have the numbers and resources to let anyone have a free ride and if little Ian worked this boy the woman in front of her was bringing in would work as well. He was twice Ian's age. "I'm the leader here. We have rules already and you need to fit into our tribe. We won't change to fit you." She pulled out the work schedules and studied them. "I can put him on kitchen cleanup."
"I…" That woman seemed upset with that. "I don't want him around the kitchen."
"So you'll let him eat the food, but he can't clean up the kitchen." Christy's voice was full of scorn. "It's either that or laundry." She conceded, even though Ian worked in the kitchen a few hours every day. After that they ironed out the other new members responsibilities with less opposition. She put a few of their people on hunting teams to blend them better into their new tribe. She didn't want small tribes within her own, they all had to be together or it would result in problems.
During dinner Christy and a few others watched the new group hesitantly eat. More than one had to leave the table without finishing their meal. Maybe they weren't over all their moral objections. Christy just gave those that looked her way a nod of sympathy. She remembered the time when she barely was able to keep it down. It got easier with time.
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"Rape?!" Christy's voice rose and her eyes widened in anger. Mark had pulled her aside as soon as she got back from the hunt to tell her about this.
"We have him locked up in a apartment and Debbie's taking care of the woman's injuries." One of her people had raped one of the new women in their tribe. Christy's fists clenched. Mark was clearly angry as well. "We need a trial."
"No we don't." Christy moved to stand in front of her window. "He was caught in the act. He's guilty… and I want him dead." These people came to her for protection and she'd let that bastard in. He was no better than the raiders.
"Are you sure?" Mark didn't sound like he was second guessing her. He was just clarifying.
Christy turned to look at him. "I won't have our people become animals like that. Tell Debbie to keep the woman out of the courtyard tomorrow if she isn't strong enough to see this. He has to be dealt with harshly." If she didn't make an example of him it could divide the new tribes from her, making them think that she was protecting her more senior tribe members. She also had to make it very clear how much she wouldn't tolerate this behavior.
Christy's eyes were cold when she walked into his apartment with her own guards around her. Her original team subdued him and tied him up. "I want your body to show that you suffered." She told him as the gag was put in his mouth so that his screams didn't wake the others. Her tribe would wake up to this man's beaten body hanging from the flagpost.
Emma fast forwarded the beating, while noticing how detached and clinical Christy had gotten about torture. He was dead when he was tied to the post and left there until midmorning for all to see with the word Rapist carved into his chest. Christy didn't give any speeches or explain herself to her people. She just wandered past his body several times during the day and watched the people's reactions to it. The guards left with the body had to stop a few people that wanted to cut him down before everyone had a chance to see. No children were allowed into that part of the camp that morning.
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The following weeks of memories showed Emma a side of Christy that would be a surprise to any one of her children. Christy became ruthless in her desire to protect the people in her care, and that translated to being ruthless with her people. She'd expected to have to protect them from outside threats, but inside threats hadn't even occurred to her. She was determined that her people wouldn't hurt each other again, and had stiff penalties that she had doled out a few times to make that point clear. She went overboard and knew it, in the hopes that once she made an example of a few people no one would want to cross her. It only earned her more fear from her own people.
To avoid an argument with the tribe Christy had resorted to sentencing some criminals to banishment and then hunting them down. She was worried that the banished would bring the raiders to them to get vengeance. It looked like she wasn't as harsh on crimes of stealing or lack of work, but they were punishable by death. Only Christy and her trusted few knew that.
She worked them all hard because they didn't have enough people to run the tribe, but many of the overworked didn't understand that. Christy constantly had to push them to work harder to survive and that meant that people started to resent her. It was a leader's nightmare.
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Christy moved quietly through the trees, wishing they were thicker. Their hunt took them closer to the old tribe and Christy felt a need to check on them even though she wasn't welcome.
The binoculars were helpful. She pulled them out to look at the few people outside and sighed. "Why did they have to do this." She muttered while looking at the thinness that told her they were starving. She'd left the invitation; people knew they could come to her. Why were they staying here when she could keep them alive? She could feel death all around this place. Her eyes traveled to the make shift cemetery and noticed it was much fuller than when she'd left.
They probably wouldn't accept it. Christy sighed as she slung the back over her shoulder and moved a little closer. She had to at least try. She hadn't let herself think about these people and focused on those that lived with her, but being in their neighborhood made her nostalgic. She moved as close as she dared, which was pretty close since these people looked too weak to give chase and set the bag down. Food. "A Gift." She yelled out loudly and someone heard her. She moved away quickly and didn't look back. She didn't want to see them refuse it. They'd taken out a larger than normal Raider force, and the meat would go bad if not eaten quickly. She could afford to be a little generous.
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She walked up to the balcony on the second floor and stared down at her people gathered in the parking lot. The weekly meeting. She sighed and looked around at her people. With the last two small tribes to join they were finally at a livable size.
"What is the point of life if you don't live?" The news that the entire original tribe was dead hit them all hard. A hunter team had swept past there and found some dead unburied. They buried them.
"We have to live every last day to the fullest, or what we do to survive isn't worth it." She moved her eyes over surprised faces. "We have to consume life like it is going out of style, because it is. These are the last months of life on this planet." No one ever addressed that in large groups, but ignoring it wasn't going to help anyone. "We will die with regrets, there is no stopping that. But don't let one of those regrets be that you wasted the last days. I'm going to rework our schedules and it won't be easy… but we won't work seven days a week any more. You all deserve some time to learn to live again. If you live here, I want to know that you are living… because otherwise I'm sure someone else could use that life." She thought of the people she killed on a regular basis and the teasing laughter the last team of raiders had shared with each other before she started firing. She didn't want to kill the living for half dead souls anymore. These people needed to do something, make her feel like giving them another day was worth the loss someone else was feeling.
"If you decide that you would rather not live no one will think you weak." Christy's eyes fell to the crowd that had heard about the latest suicide just the day before. "All I ask is that you die responsibly. We all have the right to determine how we wish to go. I want to die staring that damned Asteroid in the eye, but if you don't want to that is fine. If you need help finding a gentle way to die ask for help." The few gasps didn't go unnoticed by her. Suicide wasn't encouraged, but maybe if the last boy had someone to talk to his death wouldn't have been botched so badly. He'd suffered. "I'm willing to counsel people on death, and to arrange assistance if that is what you want. I want anyone else willing to be a death counselor to see me about it." She took a deep breath and waited for the hum of whispers and shock to calm before she spoke. "We give our enemies a merciful death. We deserve that as well. I don't want anyone else suffering like I'm sure you all heard someone else recently did. If you want to die I want you to do it right." She could have gone on about suicide, but giving it more attention than that might make her people think she was wanting them to die.
"For those that choose life." She smiled gently, feeling more fake than she had before, which was pretty fake. "I'd like us to help each other. Teach each other fun things, share stories, help each other get time to do things. We are a tribe, and that is more than just living in the same space and splitting resources. We live for ourselves and we live for each other." It was time to deal with the image everyone had of her of being a killer and nothing but that. She looked into several familiar eyes as she waited a moment for her words to sink in. "If anyone has ideas to make our lives more interesting see me or one of the others. Bring us proposals, think beyond food and supplies. We are more than just eating machines and we need to get back to that."
She turned and walked back into her office without waiting for the response. Either she came off as sounding like a caring leader with hopes for the future regardless of how brief they may be or she came across like a foolish idiot without a clue about life. Her people would let her know which way it went later. She needed them to start to see her and a person they could trust to do more than kill to protect them. It wasn't enough to just feed them and get rid of the enemies inside and out. She needed respect if they would ever get anything like a life out of their existence.
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