Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Princess_alex24@hotmail.com
"Valentine's day." Christy almost growled it out while watching her people decorate the room. Mark smirked at her and leaned against the wall next to her.
"You have something personal against the holiday Chief?"
Christy's eyebrow rose at yet another nickname. "No." She glared at the pink hearts she'd helped find once she realized they had actually given her a real proposal. Her people wanted this party and she'd told them to try and live a little. It was her own damned fault.
"So, do you have a date yet." He was far too amused. Christy sighed heavily and pretended to not feel the short stab of pain that thought gave her. Of course she didn't have a date. She never did have a date for things like this, why should that change just because the world had? "Tracey found a pretty dress to wear." He teased.
"I'm sure Aaron will love it." She spoke flatly and turned to leave the decorating to those that seemed to like it.
Mark moved to walk with her, and the teasing air was gone. "I was thinking… since I don't have a date, and you don't have a date…" His words trailed off as Christy turned to look at him. She wasn't sure she was hearing this right. "We'd just keep each other from looking pathetic."
A small smile came to her as she noticed her second looked nervous. "Sounds like a good idea." She spoke softly and her smile grew when he looked relieved. "Wouldn't want the natives to realize how pathetic we are."
"Yeah, that would be bad." Mark smiled. "When they all see who I'm bringing…" He spoke with a hint of pride and it made Christy blush. "You have to know a lot of the guys will envy me."
Christy felt uncomfortable with the very personal turn of the conversation. Especially since she knew it was a kind lie by her best friend. What was it with her and best friends? When she'd been close with Debbie they'd pretended to be more than friends so that Debbie wouldn't be harassed. Once Debbie pulled away, unable to deal with who Christy had to become in order to lead speculation about her and Mark started. Christy knew some people thought she'd gone straight. This party was going to add fuel to that rumor and once again Christy wasn't going to bother to dispute it. Was she doing this to make Mark feel good, or because even the illusion of being with someone was better than being alone?
She pulled herself out of those depressing thoughts and gave him a weak smile. "So, you gonna check in the latest team's hunt or shall I?" She effectively ended the personal conversation and Mark stood a little straighter, his role as her second was that ingrained.
"I'll get it." A small smile snuck through. "You need to figure out what to wear."
"Oh God." Christy pretended to groan. "I should have thought of that." Actually very few people would be dressing up. The hunting teams couldn't take time out to look for fragile clothes that wouldn't last a month. Only Tracey and a few of the other hunters bothered to look into the stores for themselves rather than get a good nights sleep while out.
Later that day the music made Christy smile as she heard it start up. It wasn't too loud because they were just using a boom box and some of the rationed batteries. "Come on people." Her voice rose to address those still out in the parking lot. "We only have until the batteries die. Better get in there."
"You gonna follow your own advice Chief?" Mark's voice actually startled her. She turned to see he was one of the few hunter's that bothered with finding new clothes. He had on a fresh pair of black slacks and a blue shirt. He'd also shaved. The men around here didn't do that on a very regular basis. She'd forgotten what his face looked like.
"I guess so." She only hesitated a moment before taking the arm he offered.
Once things started to get wild at the party Christy wanted to leave. Couples she hadn't even known were together danced endlessly, but watching other people have someone else to hold was what haunted her. So many people had someone, and she didn't. Her teeth gritted at the latest round of laughter coming from a small group of people around her physical age. She watched them subtly, and felt so much older than they were.
Christy felt restless, and glanced around for her date. It wasn't like he was chained to her, or should be, but right now she wanted to leave and she couldn't just leave without telling him. She'd made her appearance, but she wasn't comfortable with all the eyes she could feel on her.
"Ready to go fearless leader?" Mark seemed to appear from nowhere after talking with a friend of his for a few minutes.
Christy nodded and went with him to leave. It was already dark out, and with everyone else not on guard duty in the party the rest of the complex felt deserted. "I'm not fearless." She spoke quietly. That was just a role. She'd hoped that he knew that.
The teasing glint to his eyes faded and his expression was serious. "I know Christy." His arm moved around her to hold her closer to him. It helped keep the chill of the air away, so she didn't complain.
When they got to her door, her heart started to pound in nervousness. She couldn't look him in the eye as she opened the door and then turned to face him. "Do you want to come inside?" She didn't want to be alone tonight. Maybe she could do this. She cared about Mark more than anyone, trusted him more than anyone. Maybe that was enough.
"What?" He sounded a bit stunned. Christy looked up into his eyes and smiled just a little, going for seductive.
"Do you want to come inside?"
"I thought…" He started, but then stopped and just looked at her. Christy felt self conscious as she waited. "Are you sure?" He asked so gently.
She wanted to tell him she was sure, but she wasn't. She took his hand and pulled him inside her apartment with her without confirming or denying anything. Once she closed the door she let go of him and went about lighting a her oil lamp so that they could see. She had to force herself to turn around to see him after that though, so maybe having the darkness would have been better.
"Didn't bother to make the bed?" He chuckled. It still sounded pretty tense.
"Why, I'm just going to sleep in it again." She felt awkward as she moved forward to rest a hand on his shoulder. This felt artificial, but maybe once they got started it wouldn't feel so wrong. "I don't want to be alone tonight." She whispered, upset that she could hear her own pain in her voice.
"You don't have to be." Mark leaned down and brushed his lips over hers gently, as if afraid she'd bolt. It was foreign being held in his arms. His body wasn't soft in all the right places. He was too tall for her to comfortably kiss back, but she tried. She closed her eyes and tried to get into feeling some passion. If she wanted to badly enough, maybe she could.
They walked haltingly towards the bed, he never stopped kissing her to do it. "I love you Christy." He whispered in her ear before kissing it and it made Christy's heart stop for a moment. It should have been a good feeling, but all it filled her with was panic. She could hurt him so badly if that were true, but she'd be lying if she didn't admit she knew that. It was because he loved her that she let him in the room. She pulled him down for a heated kiss so that she didn't have to respond. It was a poor way to buy time, but he was properly distracted as he tried to give her his passion. She wanted to feel it so badly.
His hands reached down and took the edge of her shirt to raise it off of her. Christy felt a sick clenching of nervousness in her stomach that she ignored and helped him do that. Aside from a doctor he was the first man to see her like this, and she wished she weren't a little too thin. She found that look unattractive in women. She felt too exposed.
Her hands reached out to unbutton his shirt, but as she undid each button she felt her dread grow. She was making a huge mistake. She needed to stop this, but how could she? She led him on, she invited him in. It would be cruel. His caress of her breasts was gentle, loving, and did absolutely nothing for her.
She stopped unbuttoning him when he just had two buttons left to go. Her hands pulled back and then hesitantly moved forward to pull him into a hug. She buried her head into his chest and started to cry. She hadn't cried in front of anyone in a long time. "I'm so sorry." She managed to get past her tears. "I wanted to… I did…" Her grip on him was like iron, she didn't want to let him go. Didn't want him to leave mad at her. God, what she'd just done to him was cruel. She couldn't sleep with him. Why couldn't he have been a woman? Why couldn't she have been just a little bit more bisexual? He was the only person that cared about her like this.
The arms that finally went around her held her comfortingly and she burrowed into him deeper. "I want to feel like that for you." She whispered. "But I can't."
"It's okay." He murmured gently and started to caress her hair. It took her a little while to calm her breathing and pull back so that she could look up at him. He didn't look too upset. He must be a saint. "I never expected to get this far." He gave her a small smile. "So…" he grinned at her, "How pretty was the woman you tried to fantasize about?"
Christy choked out a startled laugh. "Goddess material." She answered with a smile, while starting to realize that she was still topless. She needed to do something about that.
"Oh, a Goddess."
Christy could see the tension he was trying to hide from her with that comment. Her smile faded and she ignored her lack of a shirt to move closer and look up at him. "There isn't anyone else here I trust enough to…" She had to look away. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." He leaned down and kissed her a bit more chastely than before. "I should get going though."
"Oh, yeah…" Christy pulled her arms around herself and stepped back. She turned her back to him and waited to hear the door open. Her shoulders hunched over as if to protect her from a slammed door, so the touch on her shoulder startled her.
"Why did you do it Christy?" Mark finally asked. "You've always been very gay."
"I just…" Christy sighed heavily. "I just didn't want to be alone. I need someone to hold me." It took an effort to not cry, but eventually her practice had paid off and she sounded much more in control than she felt. She'd just realized tonight that she'd never have love again. There wasn't time. He wrapped his arms around her.
"I can do that." He whispered to her and held her more strongly to prove that he could.
********
Emma pulled Christy tighter to her in a copy of that hug Mark gave her, trying to convey some comfort. She could feel Christy shaking in her arms just a little from the painful memory. "I can do that too." She whispered so as not to break the mood. Once again it dawned on Emma how vulnerable Christy was allowing herself to be with Emma, when that was obviously a rare thing for her.
Emma didn't rush into another memory, she just held Christy. She could feel the gratitude through the link she didn't sever to do this. There were some nights that Emma needed to be held too, but unlike Christy, she didn't have a friend like Mark to do it. And to be honest she wasn't able to lower her defenses enough to ask for the comfort she needed. Her relationship with Scott was just a little bit about that need to not be alone, but he still managed to make her feel alone anyhow. She had to pretend to be someone else for Scott to touch her. Emma pushed those thoughts away, unwilling to risk them leaking through to Christy.
"Are you okay?" She asked, even though she could feel the emotions calming.
"Yeah." Christy spoke softly and leaned forward just a little, putting distance between them. Emma could feel Christy was embarrassed that Emma saw her one attempt at heterosexuality. Emma pulled her back a little forcefully, unwilling to let Christy distance herself.
"We have more to do." Emma didn't address the fact that she was now resting more firmly against Christy's body to feel Christy's reaction to it. Their connection was as strong as ever. Christy no longer tensed up and subconsciously tried to squeeze Emma out when she got uncomfortable. In fact, Emma had never felt such a smooth connection with another human being. It was hard to believe that at one point it was actually impossible to read Christy.
********
"So." Mark stared up at the ceiling with her as they laid on top of the bed and talked. "Who was your first t.v. crush?" Christy glanced over at his mischievous eyes.
"You ever see Wonder Woman?" Christy was started to get more comfortable with their talks. He wasn't hurt by what she said. He wasn't taking her earlier backing out personally. "I really liked that actress."
"Linda Carter?"
"Yeah."
"The contacts lady?" He chuckled. "What were you when that was on, three?"
"I don't know." Christy tried to remember how old she was when that was on. "I was in grade school."
"You knew back then?" He asked her, clearly curious.
"I didn't know the words, but yeah." Christy sighed. "I always knew." Her voice got a hint louder. "What about you?"
"The Bionic Woman. Don't remember what her real name was, but I loved her."
"Alright, who was your latest t.v. crush?" Mark's eyebrows rose as he smirked at her.
"Willow from Buffy." Christy couldn't help but think about how good Alyson Hannigan looked as a vampire.
"You like the sweet girls?" He sounded a bit surprised.
"Not exactly." Christy grinned at him.
"Oh, Vampwillow." He drew out the words slowly. "I'm more of a Buffy fan myself."
"If you could sleep with any fictitious character." Christy added that fictitious because she was afraid he'd say her. "Who would it be?"
"Oh… Anyone?" He was clearly stalling for time. "Just one?"
"Just one." Christy smirked at him. It took him a while to come up with an answer.
"Seven of Nine." He drawled out.
"Oh, good choice."
********
Emma started to feel the tension that told her Christy didn't want her to see something. Her attention was split between the slowing action of the memory and the discomfort. When she heard Mark direct the last question to Christy the discomfort grew so much that she stopped the memory and pulled out. Christy's astral form looked a bit too relieved to have gotten her out of there, and Emma could see in her eyes what the answer to that question would have been.
"I guess I should focus more on the larger memories." Emma ignored the fact that she'd been pulled out of that one, not wanting Christy to know her secret hadn't remained one, and in truth hadn't really ever been one. Emma knew Christy was attracted to her. "I'd like for us to finish this tonight." The realization that she'd been Christy's first choice as a lover made her smirk when Christy wasn't looking and study the woman looking at the glowing lights of the other memories, trying to figure out which one Emma would chose and how embarrassing it would be. Christy was an intriguing mixture of strength and vulnerability.
********
Christy felt it like a blow and almost staggered. "Thanks a lot Tom." She grimaced and looked at the football she'd managed to catch. A break to play catch, he said, it'll be fun he said. Christy wasn't finding it a lot of fun. Still she took aim and tossed it over to another of Tom's team. The others were reluctant and a bit put off by her willingness to play, but Tom wanted her to so she did. It never took much to make Tom happy.
She sucked in a hiss of air when she felt it so nearby. The brush of death had her tense up. "Tom." Was all she managed to say, but he understood her.
"Grab your rifles, troubles on the way!" He yelled out to his men, who all gave Christy a disbelieving stare.
"I heard she could do that." Christy heard someone mutter, but she didn't bother to acknowledge it. She was listening for something, a hint of where it came from. It had been more than just a person passing away from starvation. The subtle sounds of gunshots had her moving and the others stumbling to keep up.
What she found clenched at her heart. Mark's team had been ambushed. The Raiders were probably about thirty strong and surrounded the small hunting team. Tom took a few steps down the hill and Christy had to move forward to grab his arm, even though it was exactly what she wanted to do. "We can't help them." She spoke without her voice shaking and considered that an accomplishment. She took in his disbelieving stare and then looked back down at the fight. Half Mark's men were dead already. "We don't have the firepower, and the only way to attack is to go out in the open." Christy explained quietly while watching Mark fight for his life. "We'd get slaughtered."
"I'm not afraid." Tom growled at her.
She stared at him, and then at his men standing around them, clearly not sure who to follow. "Tom… it's Mark. I wouldn't make this decision if I thought there was the slightest chance." Still Christy felt the desire to go to him, guns blazing and kill the Raiders. But Tom's team of eight, and Mark's team of only three now wouldn't be able to defeat them and the tribe wouldn't survive losing three leaders in one battle. Mark was supposed to take command if she ever died.
Christy watched silently as the Raiders killed another of her tribe. She watched as they shot Mark, but she could tell he wasn't dead. He just wasn't able to fight anymore. That was worse. "Get ready to run." She spoke coldly and rested her arm on the tree branch in front of her, pulling her rifle out finally. "Go."
"What are you gonna do?" Tom looked at her and then where the rifle was aimed.
"I'm not gonna let them torture him." The shot rang out and she felt the death hit her as Mark fell out of the raiders grasp and to the ground. "I love you." She whispered to the man still in her sights before taking the shot at the last surviving member of Mark's team. The urge to keep shooting, to try and take down as many of the Raiders as possible was strong, but the bullets suddenly tearing her way ended that. To stay and fight was suicide. She grabbed Tom's arm and turned to leave, dragging him with her. The rest of Tom's team had left when ordered to, but he hadn't wanted to leave her alone.
********
"It was a fucking trap." Christy growled out and paced in front of her original team. Aaron, Tracey, Jake, and Tom sat silently, waiting for something. There was no joking, no telling her to calm down. There was no Mark. "The Raiders are setting traps." Raiders never went out in forces like that anymore. The area was terrific for an ambush, which was probably why Mark had gone there. "We need to deal with this." She took a few breaths to calm herself down. She had to be the leader.
Her eyes took in the shadows in her people's eyes, and knew that once they left here everyone would know what happened and she'd have to see that shadow in the entire tribes eyes. Mark was well loved. He was the gentle, kind man that balanced Christy's leadership, because she was no longer gentle or kind.
"Jake." Christy sighed as she looked at him. He had the skills to do the job. "You're the new second." He just didn't have the temperament. It would take two people to do what Mark did. She looked at Tracey. Tom would have been good, but his age would work against him with the older tribe members. "Tracey, I need you to…" She didn't even have the words for it. She just went quiet at that and sighed.
"Okay." Tracey spoke quietly. She understood. "I'll arrange a brief ceremony for the fallen team." Christy just nodded. Tracey was going to be the heart that Christy had lost.
"Alright." Christy forced herself to sit and look into their eyes. "So now we need to decide how to keep this from ever happening again."