Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Princess_alex24@hotmail.com
~Emma~ Jean's telepathic voice interrupted the most relaxed and comfortable sleep Emma had had in almost a year. Ever since Genosha she hadn't been able to relax, not like this. She always felt like another attack was coming and didn't want to let her guard down. She'd felt safe there in Genosha, surrounded by mutants. She hadn't felt safe since then.
Her eyes traveled to her sleeping companion and noticed how the early morning sun showed off the highlights in Christy's hair. Did Christy ever feel safe? She looked up at the skies so often. Was she just waiting for it to fall again? Did they have that in common as well?
~What is it Jean?~ Her irritation at being interrupted was pushed out as well. She wanted Jean to know her call wasn't welcome.
~Scott was concerned when he didn't find you in your bedroom this morning. Is everything okay?~ Jean sent to her and Emma rolled her eyes and strengthened her shielding. She bet he was concerned. She wasn't supposed to let herself care about Christy, he'd made that perfectly clear with his jealous posturing. Still Emma couldn't believe Scott had his wife check and see if his mistress was cheating on him. Did he even see how ridiculous that was?
~I'm fine. We ran into something that upset her last night and I didn't want to leave her alone.~ Emma slowly rolled onto her side and stared at Christy. She looked a little better now. Her face didn't hold all the tension it had the first time she'd fallen asleep, when Emma decided that she'd stay.
~What is it?~ Jean asked and Emma became more irritated. She had to keep a lid on the fact that she'd finished her scan until Sunday morning or they'd want a report while Christy spent time with her children. If they rejected Christy right away, even as a knee jerk reaction and regretted it later, it would still do untold damage to Christy's mental health. Christy was in the middle of dealing with her guilt and pain. Scott's accusations, and Emma knew it would be him, would amplify Christy's problems.
When Emma didn't answer right away Jean sent another message. ~I felt her shields fall last night. I couldn't get much from that.~ She had some idea of what Jean may have picked up on, and Christy's sexual release had seemed rather strong.
~I stumbled upon her last sexual encounter.~ Emma remembered the memory and Christy's feelings during it. It may have helped Shelley, but Christy had sacrificed to do it. The feel of Jean's slight amusement just made Emma sigh in frustration. If only it had been that good for Christy. Still Emma didn't bother to reveal that Christy had developed a rather unusual way to achieve orgasm with her powers. Scott had already expressed disgust with this aspect of Christy's powers, and really it was not her fault. None of them chose the mutations they had.
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Jean closed her connection to Emma and turned to look at her husband. He'd been too concerned and Jean just didn't get that. Christy didn't seem like a threat to them. Jean may not trust Emma in many things, but she knew that if Christy were a threat Emma would have said something by now. Besides Christy didn't have to tell them about her being from another reality, she chose to. "The scan last night ran into a few snags and Emma didn't want to leave her alone. Christy seems to be doing better now though."
"So she stayed all night?" Scott didn't seem at all pleased with that. Jean stared at him. Why was he so threatened by this? She never read his mind, she respected his privacy as best she could, but a suspicious part of her mind started to wonder if she should.
"What's going on Scott?" Jean's voice was a little cold. "Homophobic? I didn't think you had that in you."
He looked surprised by that, but then he didn't like being called out on his own rigidly held beliefs. "No, no… I have no problem with whoever Christy wants to sleep with." He spoke quickly, "as long as its legal." Jean could feel with their link that it wasn't the whole truth and that Scott was too tense for this conversation.
"Legal Scott." Jean stared at him. "So if the government decided that being gay was illegal you'd have a problem with it? Dammit Scott, homosexuals are being discriminated against just like we are."
"No, no… that's not what I meant." Scott sighed heavily and Jean waited to hear what he'd really meant. "Just that she shouldn't encourage Annie. She's underage."
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Scott let out a breath he'd been holding after Jean left their bedroom. Those questions had been uncomfortably close. He knew if he admitted that he didn't want Christy getting too comfortable around here, around Emma, that it would have gotten even worse.
He wasn't so sure he believed Emma's cover story though. Tapped into a few hard memories? It didn't sound like Christy was protesting anything last night. Scott knew what a woman sounded like during sex, and her scream wasn't one of pain.
Jean was pissed at him though. That was pretty clear. Him, homophobic… Scott sighed. He was anything but homophobic. Why would Jean even think that?
His idea to use Annie as an example wasn't helpful either. Jean informed him that lesbians didn't regularly go out seeking to corrupt kids and Annie's crush was Annie's crush alone. Why was Jean getting so worked up about this?
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"Time to wake up." Emma spoke softly to Christy and noticed the woman seem to jerk out of sleep. For a warrior Christy sure hadn't noticed someone walking around her room, getting dressed and brushing her hair. Emma looked ready to face the day and had spent a good half hour getting there. Christy slept through all of it. "You planned to spend the day with your kids and I'm sure Annie at least will be beating down your door any minute now."
Christy sat up and the sheets fell to her waist. Emma watched as the woman rubbed her eyes. "Oh yeah, about Annie. I'm sorry if she's being hostile." Emma's eyebrow rose a bit. How did Christy know that Emma was getting some rather angry images from the girl? "Sage told me."
"Yes, well I can see your Annie has a very protective streak." Emma gave Christy a thin lipped smile. Annie's projecting her hostility hadn't gone unnoticed by some of the other students either. Emma could tell by the amusement in her class whenever Annie imagined Emma falling or saying something other than she was saying. It was a problem that Emma was planning to deal with as soon as Christy left. Christy would understand what she planned to do and why she needed to do it, but the children wouldn't understand Christy's lack of support if she did it while Christy was around. Emma was pretty sure that a few of the other Xmen would object to her methods as well. "Don't worry about it." She gave a more genuine smile and noticed Christy's measuring look. Oh yes, Christy understood perfectly.
"It's that bad?" Christy spoke softly and looked ashamed.
"I may have to…" Emma paused trying to think of how to put this. "make it clear to her how she should respect the teachers around here. Her actions are polite, but her thoughts aren't and I'm not the only one picking up on that."
"Don't hurt her too bad." Christy's semi uneasy acceptance that Emma had a plan made Emma feel something she didn't feel around here that often. Trusted. Christy would protect those kids with everything she had. They were Christy's reason for living right now and Christy was trusting Emma to deal with this properly. Trusting her to use just enough force. And trusting her enough to know that if Emma thought it was necessary it was.
"I won't." Emma would be careful to not go overboard on this one. She knew at times she did that, but not this time.
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When Jessi saw Christy's door open and Ms. Frost step out so early in the morning she was glad she had the foresight to offer to go get Christy herself rather than let Annie do it. She felt a bit stunned at this proof. Christy was actually sleeping with Jessi's English teacher. Jessi had entertained the idea that it was possible, but this was just… Jessi gave a tense nod good morning to Ms. Frost and looked away. She couldn't help but try to imagine what those two had done last night and it wasn't a comfortable position to be in. She had to knock on Christy's now closed door and act like she hadn't seen, didn't know. She had to talk without blushing as she noticed the inevitably messy bed.
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~Christy, make your bed really quickly.~ Emma's telepathic voice startled Christy and almost caused her to pop the button on her shirt as she was buttoning it up.
She could have asked why, but Emma seemed rather sure of the need so she moved over to it and pulled on the sheets. She sucked at making her bed. It always looked messy even after she did it, but she moved as fast as she could. Emma's voice didn't startle her when she heard it again. ~Jessi seems uncomfortable with the idea that you might have gotten lucky last night. I thought I'd spare you some embarrassing moments. The bed did look like it had two people in it last night.~
Christy's face developed a deep blush as Emma's teasing tone. Maybe it wouldn't have been so embarrassing if she had actually gotten lucky. Emma's telepathic laughter made Christy grin. That woman was cruel. ~get out of my head and get to work.~ Christy thought back with a hint of teasing in her own voice. She felt so much more comfortable with Emma now that she didn't worry about insulting her. She knew she wouldn't.
~No problem.~ Emma's smirk somehow translated to thoughts. Christy wasn't sure how the woman did that. ~Just close your mental door on my way out. Wouldn't want any uninvited visitors.~ Christy nodded and felt Emma's touch disappear. It felt somehow colder without her. Christy grimaced and closed the door. She hadn't even thought about closing it earlier. She was getting used to having that warm touch in her mind. She missed it already. It was like a warm blanket had been ripped off of her and the cold dark room that was her mind. The pain that had haunted her last night seemed to seep back into her bones.
The knock on the door was expected now and Christy quickly finished with the bed and moved to answer it while finishing buttoning her shirt up. She was dressed and aside from her hair ready to go. One look in the mirror made her realize that somehow her hair was fine now as well. She knew it had been messy when she woke up. She stared at the reflection a bit, a little confused, and then just gave up and trying to figure it out.
"Hi." Christy gave Jessi a forced grin and managed to hide her discomfort at knowing what Emma told her. Jessi suspected Christy had just had sex. She didn't like people thinking about her private moments, even if they didn't happen.
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Emma smiled as she walked down the stairs after stalling Jessi with talk about their class as long as Christy needed her to. It was so much like how she'd found out her brother was gay. That was probably why she'd warned Christy. She remembered the awkward feeling of visiting with her brother right after accidentally reading her brother's lover's mind. Jessi may have known Christy was gay intellectually, joked about it with her, but they'd never considered Christy actually having a lover.
Emma didn't really understand how they could assume that Christy would stay chaste. The woman was attractive, smart, and one of the strongest women Emma had ever met. If Christy ever actually went out and met women her own age she'd have no problem finding a lover. That didn't sit too well with Emma at this moment. She could understand Annie's concern about Christy moving on now.
Emma absently grabbed something on her way to her office. She'd stay out of Scott's way as much as possible today, so that she could protect Christy without having to argue about it. She would not be giving a report today.
Emma sat down and nibbled at her meal while deep in thought. Christy's powers were starting to make a little sense to her now. She wanted to see if she could solidify her impressions today. Without any DNA, the only way they'd understand Christy's powers were by observation.
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Jessi felt a bit relieved to see no hint of wild sex in the room. Maybe she was wrong. Christy was dressed, ready to go. Jessi just pushed the thoughts out of her mind and smiled. "So what are we doing today?" Her heart hurt a bit to realize it was the last day they'd see Christy for a while. Christy's flight left early tomorrow morning.
"I was going to leave it up to you guys." Christy's smile still seemed forced. Jessi wanted to ask what was wrong, but she kept the question to herself. Christy wouldn't tell her, but maybe Annie could ask later. Christy seemed to trust Annie more. Annie was the only one that really knew what Christy's powers were, that was a big clue on the trust level. Jessi would be lying if she said that didn't bother her, but she could understand a bit. Her father had been so very anti-mutant that Jessi understood being ashamed of one's powers. Christy just needed time.
"So, Ms. Frost?" Jessi felt like kicking herself when she heard herself asking the question.
"Is helping me learn about my powers." Christy spoke softly and didn't look at Jessi very closely. That looked like shame to Jessi.
Jessi's voice softened and she moved further into the room, closer to Christy. "You know we'll support you right? Whatever you're hiding… whatever your powers are…" She just wanted Christy to not feel as alone as Jessi had when she found out about her powers, but Christy's shocked face and jerk of her body as if hit startled her. There was something seriously wrong here. Christy looked like she'd managed to hurt her and Christy never got hurt, never cried. So what was with the shiny eyes?
"Let's get going." Christy spoke softly and Jessi became more concerned. She didn't know what to do. Should she let it go or reinforce to Christy that she wasn't alone. That they were always going to be a team, even if they were thousands of miles apart.
She didn't like herself very much when she kept quiet and did what Christy told her to. She left it alone and decided to let Annie deal with it.
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Christy sat quietly in the booth waiting for their lunch to arrive. The kids decided to drag her out of the mansion on their last day. They'd done some shopping for souvenirs for her mother. Christy felt a little sick every time the kids talked about that woman. Guilt was a powerful thing and she had a lot of it. Part of her wanted to just yell that it was all a lie, but she held onto that impulse tightly. She ached to be able to tell the kids, but she couldn't. She wondered if she'd ever be able to. If she'd ever be free of the dead woman's life. She didn't want it anymore. She didn't want to have to pretend to be the gentle woman that had dreams she'd never realize. She just wanted to be herself. She was sick and tired of not being herself.
She watched them discussing what they wanted to do next, but she wasn't paying attention to the words. She was just watching them. She was trying to commit their faces, their body language, to memory. She hadn't done that the last time she'd seen her brother alive in her own world and she didn't remember the last words they spoke in person. She'd assumed she'd see him again and been wrong. She didn't want to make assumptions here. What she was planning to do when she got home was dangerous. And she knew the kids lives were always going to be dangerous, just because of what they were. She could easily still lose them even though she brought them to the mansion to be safe.
Her eyes traveled to Annie. The girl was wearing her inducer because they were in public and Christy was irritated. Irritated at the world that didn't let Annie be herself either. That anyone would think these kids were monsters was a painful joke. They didn't know monsters, but if anyone tried to hurt her kids they'd see what a monster really was.
Annie looked sad, but was obviously trying to overcome it. The girl's long black hair was tucked behind her ear while she talked about something. Annie's eyes traveled to her and Christy just stared for a moment, wishing she didn't have to let Emma do whatever Emma was planning to do, but she understood the necessity. Christy had done far worse things in her life to try and maintain respect and control. It wasn't about vanity, wasn't about power, it was about making sure the kids were safe. Emma needed to be respected so that if anything went wrong and she had to give orders they were followed. Disrespect and hostility didn't seem life threatening to most people, but anyone that had been in life and death situations and had to lead knew better.
"Living here won't be easy." Christy started to speak. "The teachers will be hard on you, but I want you to remember that they are doing it to do more than just teach you Math or English. They are trying to teach you how to stay alive." Christy glanced around the table. The others were starting to look at her and the way they sat up straighter, gave their full attention, showed her that she had the respect she was worried Emma and the others wouldn't get. These kids would do anything she asked. Hell, they had. They helped her cover up her killings and moved across the country because she told them too. They left their home. Some of them left their families. All because Christy said it was necessary. Her voice softened as she looked at them. "I want you to try and make this work. Even if you don't like the teachers, try." Her eye stayed on Annie just a moment longer than the others. Again she felt held back. She couldn't tell them about how much she trusted the X-men, or Emma in particular, because she supposedly didn't know them long enough to trust them that much.
The waitress looked a bit tired as she moved to set the tray on the legs she'd brought with her. Christy sat back and didn't say anything more while they all got their lunches and the conversation at the table returned to what they wanted to do until dinnertime.
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Jessi watched Annie's eyes trail after Christy when the older woman left to go to the bathroom in the middle of lunch. Now was the time to bring this up. She glanced around to make sure no one else at the other tables could hear them. "I think Christy's having a hard time with her powers."
"What do you mean?" Erik's voice lowered as well and they all leaned in a bit over the table so that they could whisper.
"She's always having Ms. Frost help her with them. She barely talks about them, but I think that a healing factor wouldn't need a lot of tutoring." She looked apologetically at Annie for a second. They both knew there was more to that power but the boys didn't yet. "And today when I told her that we'd always support her no matter what she was hiding, what her power was…" Jessi remembered the way Christy had recoiled from that and sighed. "Something is really wrong. I'm worried about her." Jessi's eyes fell on Annie, who looked concerned as well. "Maybe you should talk to her."
"Why me?" Annie didn't look happy. In fact she looked pretty nervous. Jessi and the others figured that Annie must have finally told Christy she was in love with her and didn't get the response she'd hoped for. It would explain the mood swings that Erik reported.
"She trusts you." Jessi answered a little louder. If Christy already told Annie about her power she obviously trusted Annie more. It kinda hurt, but Christy had known Annie longest.
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Annie clenched her fist. She'd been trying to avoid being alone with Christy today, because she could barely keep herself from begging to come home with her. She knew Christy believed that they'd be safer here, but Christy shouldn't be alone either. Christy wasn't invincible, she wasn't perfect and Annie knew that now. Christy let her know that. Annie had replayed that dinner they'd had, and the pain in Christy's eyes as she told Annie that they couldn't be together like that a hundred times. She imagined it going differently, or she imagined being able to convince Christy that it could work. If it were just an age thing Annie would be eighteen this year, but Annie suspected it was more than that.
She wanted to be alone with Christy. She was just afraid of what she'd do if she were. "Okay." She spoke quietly. Christy needed her and she'd just have to be stronger than she'd been lately. "I'll talk to her tonight." After they all had their fun. Annie sighed heavily as she imagined sitting in Christy's room trying to get the woman to talk. They didn't realize how hard that was to do.
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Emma sat back in her chair to relieve her back of the strain of leaning over her desk all morning. It was time for a stretch break. She pushed her chair back and stood, enjoying the feeling of motion after so long reading. The desk was covered with books and her computer was logged onto the mansions server so that she could look up other related information.
As she rolled her head from side to side she did a scan of the campus and didn't see Christy's students anywhere. They must have left rather than spend their last day together here. Emma glanced at her desk, covered with work, and wished that she could take the day off as well. While she'd had more sleep last night than she had in a while, she was still rather tired from a week of staying up late to scan Christy.
She went to the kitchen to grab something to eat before getting back to work. Tonight she had to talk to Christy about her powers and she wanted to have as much information as possible, so she had to continue her research. Observation was the only way to understand Christy's mutation, since DNA scans wouldn't work on her. Emma was now in the process of taking her and Henry's observations and comparing them to other known mutations.
"Emma." Charles' voice interrupted Emma's inspection of the items in the refrigerator.
"Hello Charles." She grabbed the nearest apple and turned around to face him.
"How are things going with Christy?" Emma could see in his eyes that he too felt that drop of Christy's shield last night. He had to have heard the rumors as well. Emma had 'overheard' a few rumors while scanning the campus earlier. Apparently a few of the X-men that overheard Christy's scream last night believed that Emma had done far more than sleep in the bed next to Christy.
"The scans are going a bit faster now that she's helping me. I don't need Cerebra to get in anymore." Emma started to walk beside him as they headed for his office. He trusted her a bit more than Scott did and that was actually rather pathetic considering how 'close' her and Scott had gotten. As Emma recounted her new found ability to read Christy's mind with ease she couldn't help but compare Christy and Scott in that regard. Scott always held back large parts of himself when she was in his mind, but Christy had far more to hide and she gave Emma everything.
"I'm working on narrowing down information about her powers." Emma closed the door behind her as they entered Xavier's office. "Her shield is a part of them. She controls her intake of death energy by lowering or raising it." She crossed her arms and leaned back on his desk, still facing him. "Last night she lowered it and took in a bit of energy. That's when the telepaths around here felt her." She knew that question was going to be asked. It was probably why Charles felt the need to bring this short meeting into his office for privacy.
"Her power really does cause her pleasure doesn't it?" Charles moved to sit behind his desk, looking rather thoughtful.
"She rarely lets that shield down completely like that." Emma sighed, "But yes." She couldn't read Charles, but she suspected the idea that killing would be positively rewarded in that way had to be going through his mind and worrying him. She'd considered that Christy's acceptance of killing had been affected by what death gave her. Charles was being rather quiet as he considered that, so Emma moved to actually sit down. She didn't do that in his office very often. She usually wanted to say what she needed to say and leave.
"I've determined that Christy isn't a threat to us. She is so very careful about not letting anything slip and is so concerned about hurting anyone with what she knows. She herself isn't sure how much she does know about this particular dimension. Some of her information is of other worlds were we exist and she isn't sure what is and isn't true at times." Emma's thoughts went back to the revelation about Mystique and Kurt when she said that. She also thought about Christy's belief that Emma wasn't having an affair, and how Christy didn't know about things that happened recently. Emma sighed heavily. "Her memories of us are what helped get her through hell Charles."
Emma's voice was serious and her eyes actually made eye contact with Charles. She didn't bother with that often. "I'm concerned that she won't take being alone well at all. Not at this stage of her recovery. The last time she lived alone in that house she was hiding from raiders and couldn't even risk a fire to keep warm."
"Do you think she still wants to go after the F.O.H.?"
"Yes, and she's not ready." Emma sat back in her chair. "She only knows of one way to fight an enemy, and she's never had to fight alone." Christy would end up killing and they both knew it. "We cannot send her back there alone."
"I've made arrangements to have someone stay with her." Charles spoke a bit more softly and Emma watched him carefully to get a clue as to why. His mental shields left her with no other way to gauge his thoughts at the moment. "Someone that can help train her abilities and help with the F.O.H. in her state."
"Who?" Emma spoke up quickly. She wasn't sure she liked this idea.
"An operative of mine. She does a lot of undercover work." Emma didn't miss that she wasn't given a name. Spies, Charles had spies. Emma was a bit impressed that the old man was in on the espionage game. Or still in the espionage game. Tessa had been one of his spies once. Emma hadn't liked finding out that a spy had been around her for years and she'd never known. "Do you think Christy is up to working with someone else on this?"
"She isn't dangerously imbalanced Charles." Emma's voice was a bit cold. "She's dealing with a huge loss and survivor's guilt. She's also trying to come to terms with what she did so that she and her people could survive. It wasn't pretty."
"What did she do?"
Emma knew he'd ask. The report she had to do tomorrow was going to be as vague as she could make it and she was still debating about what should and shouldn't make it into that report. The X-men did need to know some things about Christy, but what didn't they need to know? They'd want to know how Christy dealt with leadership. They'd want to know what she was willing to do in a battle and how much they'd have to worry about her killing in a fight. They'd want to know about her character and trustworthiness. The others would also push for details. Emma wasn't prepared to deal with that today. "I still have more work to do with her and I'd prefer to wait until I have the full story before sharing."
The look on Charles' face made it clear he understood she was stalling for time. "You trust her Emma?"
"Yes." Emma rarely was able to say something like that with so little doubt.
"Then I'll trust you and give you the extra night." His eyes narrowed a little. "But I don't appreciate being kept out of the loop."
Emma stood up. "I know Charles, but I really think this is necessary."
"Her plane leaves early." Charles looked her in the eyes. "I'll assume our meeting won't be scheduled until she's gone?"
"Scott doesn't like her and his condemnation could hurt her." Emma saw no reason to lie to Charles about her motive now. "She's not completely convinced she should have lived Charles. She doesn't need anyone confronting her right now. Her world was different and she did what she had to in order to survive in it, but if she didn't have other people depending on her she would have just let herself die rather than do the things that haunt her today." Emma turned and left, walking with a purpose. This meeting was over and she needed to get back to work.
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