Not Myself
By Princess Alexandria
Emma sat by the large window and stared out into the darkness while slowly swirling the third drink of the night. It was getting low and she debated about having a fourth, but was too tired to get up and go pour another one. Today was truly horrid and she knew it wasn't over.
She couldn't help but remember how Christy had held her a month ago, comforted her, and it hurt that Christy didn't even bother to see if she was alright now. Emma had failed Christy, like she'd known she would. Her students always got hurt. She should have warned Christy after all. Emma took another large sip of her drink and sat back further in the chair. Annie would be okay, her luck had protected her when Emma hadn't. Once she came out of the coma she'd be fine. She just used up her powers too quickly keeping Sophie alive. Annie's burns would heal fine, unlike Sophie's.
Emma glanced at the clock over her now empty glass and knew she should go to bed so she could do another horrible day tomorrow. It was days like today that made her wonder why she still taught, when running her company caused her much less pain.
Emma Jean's telepathic voice was far from welcome and Emma rolled her eyes before getting ready to answer. Jean continued to talk, making a reply unnecessary. Annie woke up. Oh thank god. Emma released a deep sigh as at least that one worry was dealt with. The girl could have been under for months, they had no way of knowing how long she'd need.
Emma didn't bother dressing, she just threw her silk bathrobe over her nightshirt and headed for the door.
Christy paced nervously in the medlab while Henry was in the other room examining Annie. She'd barely had time to let the girl know she was there before he wanted to do that, but Christy never felt better about her decision to stay there and wait for Annie to wake up. Annie had obviously been happy to see her.
"Christy?" Emma came in walking fast and Christy took in the robe clad form with a bit of pain. Emma was always so painfully beautiful. "I heard. How is she?"
Christy wiped at her cheeks, trying to hide the tears she'd let fall in her relief. "Henry's checking her out, but she seemed okay, just really tired." She took a deep breath. "She said her hands hurt." And Christy had wished that she was the healer, that her power had more to do with life than death in that moment when Annie looked at her like Christy could take care of that.
A soft touch on her shoulder had Christy turning around to face Emma again. "I'm so sorry Christy. I know you told me that you wanted me to watch out for them and…" Christy's eyes widened as she heard the vulnerability in Emma's voice, the pain.
"Oh Emma." Christy pulled the woman into a hug and rested her head on Emma's shoulder. "It was Charles. You tried. You never stopped trying. This isn't your fault." Emma's arms wrapped around her and for a moment Christy just let herself have the fantasy that Emma could love her like that. She needed it. She was reluctant to pull away, but she did. It all felt so awkward now.
"Well, that is good to hear dear." Emma gave Christy a small smile and Christy could see Emma seem to relax. Perhaps Christy should have made that more clear earlier. "You've seemed so distant I wasn't sure what you thought."
Christy felt a bit put on the spot. She cared so much about Emma, but she just couldn't bring up something like seeing her with Scott. "I've been a bit distracted." She gave Emma a weak smile as she blamed it on her worry about Annie. What she really wanted to do was ask Emma what the hell she was thinking. To tell her that she was worried that the telepath would get caught. That Jean could be dangerous to cross. That it hurt. Christy hurt in a way she hadn't let herself hurt in a very long time.
But she didn't have the right to say all that did she? Emma was just her friend. The woman didn't know that Christy had hoped for more, had actually thought there was more. "I've visited with Sophie, and I told her sisters I'd keep them up to date." Christy sighed, frustrated with all that wasn't being said. "They think their mother will want to take them out of here and they don't want to go."
"I suspect they are right. It took some careful work to get her to agree to send the girls here in the beginning. After this convincing Mrs. Stepford that they should stay here won't be easy." Christy's watched Emma glance at the monitor and Henry talking with Annie. "It really is a shame. I think Sophie and Annie were nicely matched."
Christy just blinked for a moment as she replayed that comment in her mind. "Matched?" It sounded like Annie and Sophie were more than friends that way, but no one ever told her that. The brief wave of disappointment shamed her. Christy shouldn't want Annie to pine after her forever, but still… it had been nice to have someone care like that. God, Christy felt pretty warped even thinking that.
"Yes, your children and mine spent a good deal of time together." Emma's voice dropped just a little. "And I had such hopes that Sophie and Annie would hit it off."
"Playing matchmaker?" Christy gave Emma a slight smirk and tried to hide her discomfort.
"We do have a few bisexual and lesbian students. I just thought that Sophie was the best match for Annie. All I really did was introduce them." Christy moved to sit on Henry's stool as Emma leaned against a table. Christy took a deep breath and stared at Annie in the monitor. Why had she never even considered this?
The volume was turned off, but Christy could see the angry look in Annie's eyes as she spoke with Henry. It wasn't right to listen in, but Christy ignored the light blue eyes she knew were watching her and turned the volume back up. "I need to heal her. She was still so hurt when I had to stop." Annie's voice was weak and desperate.
"Annie, you exhausted your powers and it knocked you out for almost a day. You aren't recovered enough. Perhaps after a few days…"
"In a few days I might not be able to help." Annie didn't look like she wanted to let this go. "What if I can't?" Oh God, Christy's heart ached to hear the pain in that voice. When Christy thought she heard someone in the hall she quickly shut the sound off. Emma would keep her secret, but other people didn't need to know she'd spied on this. The footsteps walked right past the medlab without stopping.
"I hope the bastards that did this pay." Christy's expression was cold as she stared at the image of Annie being sedated. She normally wasn't big on vengeance, she just did what had to be done. At that moment, if she could see the kids that did this, she'd hurt them. When that didn't get a response Christy glanced at Emma. She wanted to ask what the punishment would be. Why they weren't in police custody. Instead she just sighed and chalked it up to something else to talk with Charles about. "Are you okay?" Emma wasn't hiding her tension well, which wasn't normal. It was time for Christy to be a friend, not an angry guardian. Emma came here as a friend, not a representative of the school. She obviously came from her bed to be here for Christy.
"It's been a rather horrid day." Emma answered her after a moment. The tension made it look like the blonde would snap if just a little pressure was applied. Christy found her own tension relaxing as she worried about Emma. She didn't want to add to her pain. "Sophie was a beautiful girl and Henry thinks she'll need reconstructive surgery. Some of her skin actually melted from the heat." Emma's voice cracked just a little and Christy moved to stand up and go closer to her. "I was hoping that once Annie was up Henry would let her… Sophie was such a pretty girl."
Christy saw Emma's pain and felt ashamed that she hadn't checked in with her earlier. Her own feelings of betrayal had stopped her. "Come down here and hug me you amazon." She whispered as she got closer to Emma. The woman had to be six inches taller, so it was hard to pull her into a comforting embrace without Emma's help. It did make Emma smile for just a moment before the telepath pulled her into a hug. Not quite the one Christy had wanted to give, she'd imagined Emma's head on her shoulder, but still it was nice. "You're my best friend. If you need anything, you tell me." Christy whispered into Emma's shoulder. She was thinking about the Scott affair as well as the pain Emma was in right now. Christy wanted to be there for Emma.
"Well, I could use another drink." Emma's voice was teasing as she let go of the hug. Christy just shook her head in mock disappointment.
"And I could use a million dollars. We don't always get what we want." Christy teased back.
"I could pay you a million dollars for a drink. Then we'd both be happy." Christy felt her heart beat just a bit faster when she saw Emma's soft smile.
Once Henry filled them in on Annie's condition, and Emma managed to get an update on Sophie's, Emma turned to see Christy trying to cover up a yawn. "Come on, you can sleep in my room." Emma knew she'd need some sleep as well. Charles wouldn't approve of mentally encouraging Mrs. Stepford to let the girls stay, so it was going to be a headache filled morning.
Christy hesitated and Emma didn't know what to think about that. She tried to touch Christy's mind, but was still kept out. It was worrisome, since Christy did claim to not blame her for this. Henry spoke before Emma could, "You should get some sleep Christy. Annie will be out for at least six hours." When Christy didn't make a move to leave he smiled at her, "I promise to let Ms. Frost know if anything happens, but at this point Annie is out of danger."
"Okay." Christy's reluctance was clear in her voice, but at least she'd sleep. Sleeping in a chair beside a hospital bed couldn't be comfortable.
"Is this the only luggage you brought?" Henry asked Christy as he handed over a backpack. "It hardly seems large enough for a…"
"Woman?" Emma's eyebrow rose as she teased him.
Christy took the bag. "Benefits of being a metamorph. I don't need much when I travel." Christy held her arms out to her sides and smirked at Henry evilly. "I walk around naked now." Emma felt her own evil smile when Henry seemed to have a coughing fit.
When they got outside the lab Emma whispered. "Why do you like to tease him so?" Poor Henry was so very uptight about such things.
"He's just so easy." Christy shouldered her bag. "And he slipped Jean in without warning me." Emma nodded as she understood. That was the reason Emma had her own doctor as well as Henry. She wasn't willing to let Jean do that particular exam on her.
As they waited for the elevator Christy seemed to fidget. "Thanks for the place to sleep, but if you want I could stay in another room."
"Oh please, like I'd abandon you like that. My room is more than big enough for the both of us." Emma waved Christy's offer away. "Besides the few parents that planned to stay over after Parent day have taken up our guest rooms." They stepped into the elevator, and Emma paused before pushing a button. "Are you hungry?" She didn't remember hearing about Christy leaving Annie to eat.
"I'm fine." Once Christy said that Emma pushed the button for the floor her rooms were on. The Xmen all had rooms that were relatively close to this elevator in case of an emergency. The tense quiet as they waited for the doors to open concerned her. Christy was still being distant and Annie was awake. Christy said she didn't blame Emma, so why wasn't she talking to her? And why was Christy's mind still closed to her? Emma's back straightened as they walked down the hall towards her room. It was enough of this whatever it was and she'd get to the bottom of what was bothering Christy this badly.
Emma opened the door and followed Christy into her room. "You can borrow another nightshirt." She waved towards the closet before going to pour herself another drink. "Bourbon?" She asked Christy's back without looking up from her mini-bar.
"Sure." Christy called back before Emma heard the closing of the bathroom door. Emma took a deep drink from her glass and then refilled it again, before grabbing both glasses and moving toward the couch. They weren't going to bed until Christy let her in, one way or another.
Christy pulled the nightshirt over her head a bit slowly. The feel of cool cloth on her skin was almost foreign now, and she enjoyed it. The clothes she made herself were always the same temperature as her skin. She could have made her own pajamas, but they would have disappeared once she fell asleep, so Christy broke the no clothes rule.
The lighting in the large bathroom was ten times better than her bathroom at home, and Christy leaned forward with a grimace to notice the tear tracks on her face. Emma saw her like this? Christy turned the water on and took care of that right away.
Once she was done with the bedtime rituals Christy grabbed her nearly empty backpack and tossed it in the corner of the hall to the bathroom. Well, Mystique did promise to teach her how to not need much when she traveled. After a deep breath Christy continued into Emma's private living room. The soft light reminded her of other conversations they'd had here.
Emma was sitting on the couch with a glass in hand. Christy's drink was sitting on the glass coffee table waiting for her. It felt very staged and Christy's tension increased as she forced herself to smile and move around to what was obviously supposed to be her spot on the couch. If she wasn't haunted by the image of Emma in Scott's arms this would seem so romantic.
Once she was seated she felt the need to fill the silence. "Thanks for lending me the pajamas." Christy caressed the softness of the fabric with her hand. "It's been weeks since…" Her words trailed off.
"What is bothering you?" Emma's voice was a bit more controlled, a bit more cold than Christy expected from this woman anymore. Her eyes finally focused on the blonde sitting next to her, facing her on the couch. "I thought it was Annie, but Annie is recovering nicely. You say you don't blame me, so what is it?" Christy's eyes widened in shock. The exact thing she wanted to avoid.
"I…" Christy took a deep breath. A friend would say something wouldn't they? But this was Emma. Did Christy want to risk losing her friendship as well? "I'm fine."
"You really aren't that great of a liar dear." Emma stared at her and Christy felt a bump against her shield. "You never blocked me before. Why now?"
Christy took a deep breath as she tried to stall long enough to think. She wasn't letting Emma in. It wasn't something she'd planned, but it made sense she wouldn't when she didn't want to talk about something. It was hard to keep secrets from a telepath. Christy looked over at Emma, took in the clear blue eyes staring at her, and the slight frown on her lips. Christy could continue to claim nothing was wrong and Emma would have to give up, but… "Are you…" Christy felt her heart beating a bit faster in her nervousness and let her mind wander to wondering why it bothered. It was easier to think about that than this conversation. "Are you sleeping with Scott?"
Emma leaned back in her seat just a little and her eyes widened just a fraction. If Christy weren't watching her so carefully she wouldn't have noticed either subtle reaction. She didn't know if they meant Emma was surprised or guilty. "What makes you ask that?" Emma spoke quietly, her eyes moving to take in Christy's twisting hands. Christy hadn't even noticed how tightly she was holding her own hands. "Nevermind." Emma's voice became a little stronger, the woman sat a little taller. "I may have made mistakes in the past Christy, one of which was a brief telepathic affair with Scott." Christy had hoped that Emma would explain how Christy was wrong. She didn't want to hear this.
"You are so much better than him." Christy whispered, her voice cracked as she said it. She remembered her conversation with Mark as she sat there. "You deserve so much better."
"You aren't listening to me." Emma moved closer and Christy felt the warmth of Emma's hand on her arm. "It was in the past. Scott and I are not seeing each other like that anymore. I found someone else, someone I thought could be more than stolen telepathic moments. Someone I thought I could truly care about." For just a moment Christy stared into Emma's blue eyes in confusion, until she noticed the way Emma looked at her.
"Me?" She forced herself to ask softly. Her voice held hope and wonder as she watched the soft smile grow on Emma's lips. Oh God, Emma did mean her. Christy's hand started to shake just a little as she raised it to carefully, tentatively, caress Emma's hair. Her. She'd hoped, dreamed, but part of her never really believed.
Emma leaned into Christy's touch just a little and closed her eyes so she could feel the barrier that was keeping her out start to crumble. The first emotions to hit her were wonder, pure joyful wonder, and Emma was stunned by the emotions, tenderness, that Christy felt for her. Christy wasn't trying to hide it any longer and it was the most beautiful thing Emma had ever felt from a lover. Christy was sending out a prayer that this wasn't a dream as Emma leaned closer. Emma could feel the trembles running through the body she was getting closer to. Felt the waves of fear mixed in among all the other beautiful emotions.
Why so scared? Emma sent mentally and continued to slowly lean in for a kiss.
I've wanted you for so long. Emma could see tears starting to trail down Christy's cheeks. Emma caught the thought that wasn't supposed to be projected. She knows what I am… and she wants me. It became clear that Christy would break into sobs if Emma didn't do something. It was a new reaction Emma had never gotten before when she made it clear she wanted to be with someone. No one else ever broke into relieved tears.
Emma leaned in and kissed Christy's tears slowly. She gently licked the water from Christy's cheeks, noticing the lack of salt in the taste. Christy tilted her face up and Emma took the invitation with a gentle kiss. She had to be gentle, Christy was so fragile. I want to make love to you. Emma sent as she moved her hand to caress the tears away as she continued to gently kiss her. They both needed this tonight, this reminder that they were alive.
Emma needed to be held.
It was like those words finally worked their way into Christy's awareness the fact that Emma did want her. Christy pulled her lips away from the gentle kisses and started to take some initiative by leaning closer and kissing Emma's neck, moving her lips up to the spot right behind her ear. "Oh Christy." Emma pulled Christy closer and groaned as Christy explored that sensitive spot. Emma moved her hand through Christy's hair and held the woman in place. "Yes. Oh Christy." Her voice was breathless as her body accepted the idea that she wasn't sleeping alone tonight. Telepathic touches had nothing on the real thing. "It's been so long." Emma muttered as she pulled Christy to her more tightly and dragged those lips back to her own.
I love you. Emma felt those thoughts touch everywhere inside of her as Christy thought them, forgetting the connection they shared. It meant more that way. People had said those words before to Emma, but the fact that Christy tried not to tell her so many times showed it was real in some strange way.