A/N (ral-edge): Hurrah -hugs stranger walking down the street in state of glee- I thought we'd never finished this chapter, uggggghhhhh don't you just hate writers block, how is it possible that 2 people, who are co-writing a story, BOTH have writers block at-the-same-time.
We'd just like to say; we have absolutely no idea where the hell these imminent ideas come from, but if they result in more reviews, I want their home address. This chapter has been written (eventually) but we had to suffer, short tempers, numb bums, aching fingers and drooping eyes. We hope you enjoy this chapter, and pause, just for a micro second and ponder how much thought and love has gone into it. Cheers. Thank you. Bye
Rimmer suspiciously eyed Todhunter, who took this sign as a 'come on' and placed a hand on Rachael's firm bottom. Rimmer was less then thrilled at sharing a lift with the pathetic, slime covered, toad that was Todhunter.
He edged nervously away, wanting to put as much space as humanly possible between him and Todhunter's affections, part of him, presumably Rachael's personality, wanted to run his fingers through Todhunters hair, and unbutton his shirt. Rimmer practically gagged at the thought of doing anything with Todunter, sexual or not!
"In your dreams, pal!" Rimmer snapped nastily,
Todhunter blinked stupidly, before winking and placing a hand on her chest, "I know your game- playing hard to get- I'll pick you up at 8!"
Rimmer then found Rachael's hand being brought to Todhunter's cheek in a caress, at the last second Rimmer realised what he was doing and instead slapped the pretentious jerk across the face with as much strength as he could muster.
"I don't think so, chum." Snapped Rimmer, before stepping past the speechless Todhunter and out of the lift.
Rimmer stared through the shop window with his mouth hanging open and drool coming out. He couldn't help it. He'd never felt this way before about anything; but for some reason just looking at the bright colours and textures was giving him a heady sense of euphoria.
It was better than drugs.
At least, he guessed it was...
Heart pounding in his chest; Rimmer eased the door open and entered the shop.
At first he thought he was having a heart attack.
His heart was pounding, he was lightheaded, and his hands were flapping about; but when he involuntarily let out a squeal of excitement and darted to the nearest rack. He was suddenly struck by a much worse conclusion.
Rachael was a shopaholic.
Swallowing this unfamiliar feeling, Rimmer ran his hands across the rack, closing his eyes in ecstasy. There were all sorts of garments here; big, small, subtle, bright, tight, baggy. Everything imaginable.
Rimmer darted his hand out and picked out a small leopard print skirt from the rack. Normally he would be disgusted by this kind of thing, he wanted his girlfriend to be a lady; but Rachael's motto seemed to be the skimpier the better.
Rimmer slapped himself mentally; the point of this exercise was to get Rachael into something MORE modest not something LESS.
He stuffed the offending item deep in a nearby rack and carried on looking, he then spotted a dress, black, short but acceptable, classy and affordable, he was just about to take the dress to the changing rooms when he spotted another dress, equally as nice. Dark blue, it seemed to shimmer in the light and was trimmed with silver beads. Rimmer was now faced with a predicament women all across the universe had to deal with every time they stepped foot in a shop. He wanted both but he knew he couldn't have both, Rimmer stood, a dress in each hand, biting his lip, trying to make his decision.
Entering the changing rooms with both dresses, Rimmer hung them up and stared at them for a moment, before unzipping the red dress and slipping out. At seeing Rachael's naked chest, Rimmer closed his eyes tightly before easing them open and having a good ogle.
He quickly snapped out of it, 'No, I'm a women now, I can't go around ogling tits...breasts."
He pulled the first dress off the hanger and slipped it on, he actually looked surprisingly glamorous in it, it seemed to stick to Rachael's curvy figure like it'd been made for her, Rimmer twirled round, catching sight of his reflection from all directions, before slipping out of the dress and trying on the blue,
"oh-my-god" mouthed Rimmer to his disgusted reflection "my arse is huge"
he tugged at the dress, trying to make it conceal Rachael's fat behind
"I've got an arse the size of two hot air balloons" whined Rimmer, banging his head against the mirror.
Almost in tears, Rimmer took the dress off and put it back on its hanger. Before grabbing the black one, and heading to the checkout.
When he was actually at the cash point though he suddenly remembered that the dress was a little low cut and if he bent over, Rachael's boobs might- pop out. He turned round and headed back to the racks, in search of a vest.
Rimmer practically screamed in delight at the rows and rows of underwear, all different styles, colours, designs, it was HEAVEN. He ran, with some difficulty due to Rachael's inadequate footwear, to the nearest rack, and began rifling through, he help up a purple lacy garment and examined in curiously
"How do you use this contraption" he said, turning it over, trying to figure out its use
"That would be a bra." said the sales clerk, Rimmer jumped, allowing the purple lacy thing to slide from his fingers, and drop to the floor,
"I knew that!" lied Rimmer, blushing crimson. He quickly stooped to the floor to retrieve the fallen item of clothing, as he moved to get back up, he felt a sharp tug on Rachael's hair, then another, He stood up, and only then notice that several bras were hanging round his ear, attached to Rachael's hair, the Sales Clerk gave Rimmer a confused stare as if thinking 'is this girl for real?'.
"May I...help you?" she asked anxiously,
Rimmer, still blushing, untangled the nearest bra from his hair "This one please"
After sitting through a whole breakfast where women were practically lying on the table in front of him, removing their clothes and screaming 'take me' Lister had got bored of the female attention, they were treating him like some kind of accessory, something that would great on their arm, not one of the women came up and talked to him, face to face like a human being. It wasn't only the female attention that was affecting Lister; he'd seen groups of burly, huge, angry men deep in discussion, cracking their knuckles whenever he looked at them. They were presumably talking about the man who had made they're women want to be unfaithful.
Surprising to Lister, he was actually more worried about the whereabouts of Rimmer. He hadn't seen hide or hair of him all morning; and it was making him anxious.
At quarter to 9 he hadn't come in and sat at the back table on his own, he hadn't ordered his regular tea and toast, and he hadn't taken out his entire collection of stationary to continue writing his growing report on Lister.
In fact he hadn't stepped foot in the canteen all morning.
Lister shook his head, propelling the thoughts from his mind, he immediately wished he hadn't because his previous conversation with Kochnaksi came back to haunt him. He groaned and closed his eyes, he'd probably blown his chances with her right right out of the window, down the street, over the hill and off to god-knows-where.
Across the canteen, where Lister had stayed the whole morning expecting Rimmer's arrival, Todhunter was boasting very loudly about some chick he'd scored with,
"She just couldn't keep her hands off me!" he smirked, glancing round the circle of men, all hanging onto his every word, in need of some more details, the juicer the better.
Lister tutted at Todhunters misusage of women
'who would be crazy enough to allow that slime ball to even breathe the same air as them' he thought, tapping Liam's perfectly formed fingers on the table top.
"If I hadn't been a perfect gentlemen" bragged Todhunter leaning back in his chair, "I would have taken her there and then!"
Lister stood up and left, bored and slightly sickened by Todhunters sexual liaisons, and began walking aimlessly around the corridors.
Lister didn't look where he was going, he kept staring down at Liam's trendy trainers, that no doubt cost as much as his jeans, maybe even more.
Someone banged hard against Lister's shoulder, jerking him from his trance, a stack of folders and papers slithered to the floor,
"Sorry, I didn't mean- here let me help" said Lister, dropping to the floor, and scooping up the piles of paper, the person who he'd bumped into also dropped to the floor, Lister looked up to hand the wad of paper back did he realised who it was, "hi," he said stupidly,
Kristine's head jerked up and she frowned "oh god, not you again!" she spat, yanking her papers off Lister, who was currently speechless,
She stood up, adjusted her skirt and marched off down the corridor,
"I'm sorry!" Lister managed to call to her retreating back,
Kristine laughed, "Ffor what?" she asked, turning round,
"For acting like a prat this morning, and nearly knocking you flying just now..." he replied, walking up to her, keeping one eye on her free hand which wad currently placed on her hip,
"Apology accepted" she said, somewhat coldly,
"okay" Lister smiled, showing Liams impeccable teeth "now your turn"
Kochanski, stepped back, a little shocked "I BEG your pardon?" she asked, not bothering to hide her sneer
"I said sorry for being a prat, now you say sorry for being so mean to me this morning!" said Lister,
"I was not mean to you this morning." replied Kochanski, a little hysterical,
"You were, in the space of 3 minutes you called me a pretty boy, a Barbie boy and were cruel enough to make me consider suicide" Lister smiled "and you tried to slap me!" he added,
Kochanski's wide, open, eyes stared back at him, "You're right, I was rather cruel..." she said, calmly "allow me to make it up to you" she said, taking a step towards him, and smiling,
"How?" asked Lister, with a slight crack in his voice, as Kochanski came closer still, "I'll be in, Aquila at 6, I'll wait for you" she grinned impishly before sashaying down the corridor, throwing Lister a 'don't be late' glance.
Lister had to lean against the wall for support before screaming "YES!"