Ral-edges A/N: Forgive me father, for I have sinned, (makes sign of cross and prays for soul) I had no idea we (you should know us by now lar-ton and ral-edge) were so dirty minded. It got worse and worse, more details, more kinky small talk and sexual innuendo, oooh am so ashamed, but strangely happy. I love this chapter, some of the jokes (mainly wrote by Lar-ton the new Queen of comedy) are fan-bloody-tastic. We hope you enjoy.
Lar-ton A/N: Ok I would ditto what Ral-edge said about the asking the holy father to forgive me, however I think he might lob a bible at my head after some of the not-so-discreet jokes in this chapter. So instead I'm just going to cower in a corner and fear his wrath. Other than that, Ral-edge is just being modest about joke thing, she is infact the queen/empress/president of comedy and I have simple got my groove back cos I'm emotional and confused in my personal life which means my writing is of exemplary standard compared to normal. Love and hope u enjoy, Lar-ton.
The first thing Lister realised when he woke up was that somehow an army of hippos wearing tap-shoes had invaded his brain and we're at the moment were doing the river dance.
He had one humungous headache.
The grand daddy of all headaches in fact.
The second thing he then realised was that his arm had gone numb, due to someone lying on it.
Lister's forehead creased into a frown as he remembered the night before.
There was Krissy, -and some jerk who punched him in face, and then...... What next? Oh yeah, a beautiful girl- no, woman.
Lister grinned, the night before had been one to remember that's for sure!
Lister's grin widened as he recalled the previous evening; they'd done it on the sofa, the bed, the floor, in the wardrobe, Lister thought for a second, there was one more, he grinned slightly as he remembered, the sink.
He remembered the cold tap going up his bottom.
Lister sighed blissfully and opened his eyes. Quickly though, Lister realised something was- different.
His feet were several inches above the end of the bed, whereas the night before they'd been hung over clumsily. His chest was...... well podgy, as was his stomach and torso.
Lister felt the all too familiar sense of dread only this time much worse.
He was in his own body again.
Lister snapped his eyes shut. He knew it was only a matter of time before Rachael opened her eyes and he didn't want to see the look on her face when she realised she'd actually slept with some slightly overweight scouse slob.
He couldn't bear to see the horrified expression she'd have, or the anger; worse than that though, he couldn't face the disappointment that would no doubt cross her delicate features.
"Still" he thought, "No time like the present."
He turned to face the snoozing figure of Rachael and opened his eyes.
Anyone onboard Red Dwarf who had been sleeping at that precise moment were then violently jerked from their slumber by an ear piercing screech which could rival Michael Jackson.
Lying next to him- naked- on his arm was Arnold J Rimmer, who promptly jerked awake at the scream, before noticing Lister and screaming too.
Lister raced across the room, quickly pulling on a bathrobe with shaking hands "What the hell are you doing here?" he spat.
Rimmer scowled "What d'you mean what am I doing here, what the smegging hell are you doing here where's Liam?"
Rimmer had no idea why he was asking that question, he watched as Lister closed his eyes are groaned, collapsing into a nearby chair, something inside Rimmer's head clicked "you're not-"
"Yeah" Lister interrupted, averting his eyes before continuing "and you're"
"Yes" interjected Rimmer, his voice un-naturally high,
"Oh god" moaned Lister
"We had sex" said Rimmer monotonously, wrapping his scrawny arms round his legs and rocking, "We had sex!"
"I know" moaned Lister thumping himself on the head.
"We had sex!" repeated Rimmer, getting more and more hysterical
"YES" replied Lister," I KNOW, STOP REMINDING ME!"
"We had sex!"
"Rimmer, shut up!"
"We. Had. Sex"
"SHUT UP"
"WE HAD SEX!"
"Rimmer" screamed Lister, "Will you please say something, BESIDES, WE HAD SEX?!"
Rimmer paused, making as if to say something "WE HAD SEX!"
"OH FOR GODS SAKE RIMMER, I'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO HAVE A BIT OF RUMPY PUMPY WITH SOMEONE!"
Rimmer looked at him without flinching for the first time in 5 minutes, "Me? ME!? Oh that's rich, what about you??? I saw the way you looked at that cat on Titan! You were that desperate you considered shagging the cat! In fact you probably DID shag the cat!"
Lister scowled, "And you know what I look like when I want to shag something, how?"
Rimmer paused and blinked; "We had Sex."
Lister annoyed at the cat-shagging gibe retaliated "We didn't just have sex once you know!"
Rimmer went even paler "We... did it more then once?"
"Yeah" replied Lister, feeling very embarrassed about the situation,
"You mean we had sex numerous times on this bed!" gagged Rimmer, glancing down at the bed he was lay in,
"We didn't just do it in the bed" said Lister, biting his nails,
"What?!" squealed Rimmer, "Where else did we do it?"
"Where didn't we do it" laughed Lister hysterically, "Bed, chair, couch, floor, sink, wardrobe, shower... I think we even did it on the corridor at one bit."
"Ohmygod" moaned Rimmer, laying his head in his hands, "I think I'm going to be sick!"
"That's your hangover." offered Lister politely.
"It is not my hangover!" snapped Rimmer, tugging the thin sheets around his body "It's the fact that you and me indulged in something only pimps would dream of!"
Lister sighed, and scratched the back of his neck "What's the matter, didn't you enjoy it?"
Rimmer clamped his lips together, in truth he had enjoyed it, hell he'd never had any experience like it, he was brought the heights of unparallel ecstasy and was sent back for a return trip, it had been the best night of his life, but letting Lister know that would be suicidal "no" he replied simply,
"I did" said Lister, shrugging his shoulders
"How can you be so calm about this whole affair?" asked Rimmer,
"I've bedded worse" shrugged Lister although inside he was dying, Rimmer hadn't enjoyed it; that meant Rachael hadn't enjoyed it, and as much as he knew Rachael didn't exist he still wanted to give her an enjoyable experience. He was brought out of his thought quickly by a rambling Rimmer,
"...are you even listening to me? How do I know you didn't take advantage of Rachael in her drunken state?? I should have you reported-"
Lister chuckled, cutting Rimmer off, "I don't think that's very likely, I seem to remember someone begging to, 'Take me now' " Lister rolled his eyes at Rimmer after saying this to Rimmer's annoyance who pursed his lips to show his up most displeasure before eyeing Lister's nether regions and going pale.
"Oh god."
Lister sighed, "Look we've been through this-"
Rimmer grimaced, "That, inside me!"
Lister coughed uncomfortable before Rimmer scowled at him, "I could have some disease god knows who else you've been playing genital jigsaw with- a mean you shag cats!"
Lister almost exploded with rage, "I DO NOT SHAG CATS! BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT YOU? I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN YOU COULD JUST AS EASILY HAVE SOME DISEASE!-"Lister paused and grinned calming down considerably, "Then again, I mean it's you we're talking about, you were probably a virgin."
Rimmer quickly looked away, an awkward silence descended on the room, "so" asked Rimmer finally "what do we do now?"
"We're not doing a repeat performance, you can buggar off!" said Lister quickly,
"NO" replied Rimmer, half turned on at the prospect,
"I mean do we tell people"
"Yeah" said Lister sarcastically, pacing round the room "'hi Lister what did you get up to last night' 'oh nothing much, just shagged Rimmer.' "
"So it was just a one night stand" whispered Rimmer, feeling his heart crack,
Lister jumped slightly, what was this guy implying, did he--no, that was WAY too gross, even for Rimmer. "Well...yeah"
Rimmer's screwed up his face in anger "YOU SMEGGING PIMP, YOU WHORE LOVER, YOU CHEAP, OVER RATED, BRILLIANTLY SEXY GIT, YOU BROKE MY HEART YOU ARSED UP SOD!"
"Rimmer" pleaded Lister
"DON'T TALK TO ME YOU HEART BREAKING GIT, I HATE YOU, YOU MIGHT BE A TERRIFIC LOVER, AND I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE STEAL A BAR STOOL IN SUCH A WAY YOU HAVE, BUT YOU'RE A SMEGGING ARSEHOLE, AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" With his dignity recovered, Rimmer breathed out, got out of bed and walked confidently out the door.
Lister paused "you forgot your bed sheet!"