Chapter 2: Issues

Zoe found exactly what she had feared finding when she entered their berth: Wash had taken all his things and moved out. She sat on the edge of the double bunk, gripped her stomach and doubled over. The physical pain was bad, but that was something she could take. Losing Wash, well that was another story.

Trouble was that he had good reason to leave. She had pushed things too far, overstepped the boundaries even of a relationship as close as theirs...

And she really didn't know what she could say to him to make it all right. Telling him the truth of how things were wasn't good enough. The damage that had been done had to be fixed first.

She looked up when she heard raised voices drifting down from the bridge. Sounded like Mal had overstepped himself as well...

Maybe she should just give Wash some space for now, wait him out a while and then feel the waters...

Mal stopped short just after entering the bridge. Wash had apparently set up shop in the corner because it now sported a hammock, two trunks and a pile of clothes.

"What in the hell is going on here? Wash! You can't sleep up on the bridge!"

The pilot tilted his head and shot him a sour look over his shoulder. "Why not? I already spend most of my time here."

"Look, I don't know what is going on between you and Zoe, but..."

"That's right, you don't!" Wash yelled, coming to his feet. He actually succeeded in making the captain back up a step or two. "And until you do, I'll thank you to keep your advice to yourself!"

"Well then, tell me. I'm listening." Mal took a threatening step forward, placing his nose just inches away from his pilot's nose. As expected, Wash backed down and moved back a few paces.

"Can't. Not yet, anyway." Wash's voice dropped back down to its usual even tone. "Me and Zoe need some time to think, Mal. We can't do that if we're in the same quarters and seeing as how my old berth now belongs to someone else, there isn't really anywhere else for me to sleep. This is probably the best place for now. And just think, I'll be able to respond to an emergency that much faster."

Mal moved up to stand beside Wash and clapped a hand on his back. "Zoe seems to think that we should pull into the nearest port. She said I should probably see to it."

"Did she?" there was defeat in the blond pilot's voice. "Maybe we best then."

Both men remained silent for a while, staring out the front window at the stars.

Mal finally spoke up, his words carefully chosen. "I think it would be best that we did, but not for the reasons Zoe did. You're the best damn pilot I ever met, Wash and a right decent man. I know you always do try to do the right thing by Zoe. I believe you will this time, same as every other..." He met his pilot's eyes, which had turned an eerie neon blue in the glow of a passing ship's floodlights. "We're putting in for some R and R. Take the time you need, just so's it ain't longer than two weeks."

Wash did the unexpected then. He hugged Mal. Hard. Then he broke away and nearly jumped into the pilot's chair. "I'm right on that, captain!" he said, a ghost of his former good humor restored.

Mal shrugged and left the bridge. "The things I do for my crew..." he muttered.

"So what's up with you and that oddball husband of yours?"

Zoe finished fishing her laundry out of the cleaning machine and gave Jayne a withering look. "How would you like to swallow this entire bedsheet?" she snarled.

The big guy held his hands up to show he was unarmed, a universal sign of truce. "Just asking is all. Everyone is gossiping about it. At least I had the decency to ask you up front."

As the second in command finished fishing her things out of the machine, Jayne began shoving his in. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to say anything more, he shrugged. "Suit yerself," he sighed. "but you ought to know that so far the general thinking is that Wash caught you bedding the captain."

Zoe stood bolt upright and stared at him. "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!" she sputtered.

"Naw. What they're really saying is," Jayne grinned. "I just wanted to get a reaction outta ya."

"So what are they saying?"

"Why don't you tell me what happened and I'll tell you if they're right?" Jayne countered.

"Ni ta ma de!" she replied, and then turned on her heel and stormed out with her wet laundry. When she got back to her berth, she hung the sheets over a make shift clothesline and then collapsed on the bed.

She had spent the last few days trying to get Wash's attention without actually approaching him. She had learned early on that when he was angry it was best to let him sort through it and approach her when he was ready to talk.

Unfortunately, her pilot husband had pretty much kept to himself, rarely even leaving the bridge. He hadn't even come down to join the others for dinner and she had instead fixed him a plate and brought it up to him. All it had gotten her was a terse, "thanks" before he turned back to his controls and refused to look at her again.

She was out of time. They were due at the station in just a few hours and after that she could not be certain that Wash would remain aboard or ever return if he disembarked. She had therefore asked Inara if she could set up some sort of impromptu luncheon before R and R officially began. The companion had been more than happy to help her and the crew after being informed of the luncheon, showed great interest in it, especially since its primary draw was real food and some really good cider.

All she could do now was hope that Wash would put in an appearance. Chances were good that he would. He wouldn't want to disappoint his crewmates.

He showed.

He stayed on the opposite side of the room and laughed and joked with the others, just as he always had, but she was completely ignored. It went on for what seemed to be an eternity, while she kept a fake smile on her face and pretended to be as unconcerned and happy as everyone else. The only hope she had that her husband did indeed still care about her, came a little later on, when she caught him watching her with a puppy-dog look upon his face. He had thought she wouldn't see, as she had just collected the dishes and was on the way to the sink with them, but she had caught it over her shoulder. He wore a look of such hopeless longing and adoration on his face that for the first time in weeks, her heart felt that it was no longer being constricted.

Wash still loved her. He still adored her.

It filled her with hope that she could patch things up with him. Maybe their marriage would even be better when all was resolved.

As she began scrubbing the dishes in the sink, he came up behind her, slipping his arms through her own and making it look as though she had four arms which were all cleaning dishes. It had always been one of his favorite things when they pulled kitchen duty. He rested his chin on her shoulder so that he could see what he was doing and more than once he brushed his cheek against hers.

After a short while the voices behind them faded off down the corridor and they found themselves alone. The dishes were clean. They dried them and cleaned the table, then the floor, all the while working in an easy unison without feeling the need to say a word.

It was only as they finished and he picked up his travel bag from the couch, where she had failed to notice it that her uncertainty returned. She found herself lightheaded and woozy for the third time that day and fought it off.

"You're going then?" she finally spoke up.

He sighed. "I have to, wife. I need the time."

"Promise me that you'll come back?"

"Can't." His bluer-than-the-sky eyes held her own. "But I will return to at least say good-bye if it comes to that."

"Come back to our room. Let's talk about it."

"Already tried that. Tried it for four months." He turned and headed for the door. "I don't think I can stand to have you dismiss the conversation again."

With that he stepped out of the room and headed down the hall and first flight of steps at a brisk pace.

"Come on, honey, you're making this out to be far worse than it really is," Zoe called out as she followed. "Move back in with me and let me make it up to you," she pleaded. "We can work this out."

Wash stopped suddenly and rounded on her. "This is a big deal, Zoe," he said, raising his voice. "We are talking about the loss of trust and respect in our relationship. The way I see it, there is no relationship without it!"

"I just don't see how bringing a new life into this world; a whole new person who will be made up of both of us, is such a terrible thing," She whispered, joining him on the landing. She saw his expression soften and pressed on, "Can you just imagine: a child of ours could crack off a joke and then take the bad guy out in the next heartbeat..."

Again his expression changed, this time becoming pained. "You're right, and I'd give much to have a child who could do that, but that doesn't change the fact that I wasn't ready yet. You knew I didn't want this and still you pressed the issue. You manipulated me..."

"Honey, I..."

"Stop! Just stop!" he yelled. "There will be no more honey thrown into this. Do you deny that you manipulated me?"

"Well, no," she yelled back. "You have free will. Just because I stopped taking my birth control doesn't mean I manipulated you. I told you I stopped taking it."

Wash's cheeks began to turn red, a sure sign that he was reaching his limit as far as patience was concerned. "We've been through this over and over, Zoe. Neither of us is changing our opinion on it. Yes, you have the right not to take medication if you don't want to, but I have every right not to be a father if I'm not ready for it and in stopping your meds, you were intentionally attempting to force my hand."

Zoe crossed her arms in front of her chest and planted her feet firmly at shoulder width apart. She glared at him but remained silent.

"And what happened when you stopped taking your meds, Lamby-toes, hmmm? Did I just ignore the risk and jump your bones?"

"No," she ground out.

"No," he reiterated. "Our sex life took a dive, didn't it? All because ol' Wash was no longer willing to risk anything that might result in a pregnancy. Yeah, we did just about everything else under the sun, but a lack of penetration really caused some serious frustration on both our parts, didn't it? Yet, did I ever once knuckle under and ignore any of the consequences?"

"No," she whispered.

"That's right!" he bellowed. "For over three months I towed the line. I refused to give in to you even when you cajoled and used all your wiles on me and yet, you refused to go back on the meds, despite what it was doing to us..."

"OK, let's just drop this for now," she asked. "You're stepping over the line..."

"No! You are the one who crossed the line. You're the one who keeps stopping me from saying what has to be said. What's the matter, tough girl? You afraid to hear it?"

She gave him her best scowl and turned away, intent on ending the conversation, but Wash grabbed her arm to stop her. Without thinking she spun and landed a solid punch to his jaw.

He landed hard on the metal landing and had to shake his head to clear it. His bag nearly flew over the walkway, but managed to remain more on than off.

In a second she was beside him, running her hands over his face, panicked over the pain she had caused him. "Wode tìan! Oh honey! I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to do that!"

"Yes you did," he whispered, then spat blood. He was vaguely aware that the rest of the crew had gathered in the doorways below and were witnessing their fight. He didn't care. As far as he was concerned they needed to hear the ugly truth so that they'd understand what he had to do. He struggled to his feet and spat again. "You're going to hear it and nothing short of killing me will keep me from saying it out loud..."

"Wash... please..." her eyes pleaded with him to drop it.

"Three and a half hellish months after you tried to force my hand, I went into town with Mal, Jayne and the others," he started.

"Wash...." another plea.

"It was when we all found out that Jayne was none other than the official town hero, remember?"

Zoe nodded.

"And it was the first decent drinking I had done in three and a half months." He shrugged his shoulders. "Stupid of me to think that just because I was away from you that it was safe..." As though all the strength had gone out of his legs, he again sunk down onto the landing next to her. "Mal and I returned to the ship and you wasted no time in hauling my drunk ass up to our quarters..."

"Please don't say it..." Zoe paled noticeably.

"When you tried to climb aboard, as it were, what did I tell you?" When she clearly wasn't going to answer, he continued. "I told you no, didn't I? Didn't I, Zoe?"

"Yes," she whispered. "but you weren't fighting very hard..."

"Very hard? Zoe! I was fighting as best as a drunk-off-his-ass man can fight while being pinned down by a woman with military experience! Point is that I said no several times, yet you took advantage of me!"

She stared into his eyes as tears began to track down her face. "I wanted a child so much, Wash. I thought that maybe you would change your mind once it was a reality...."

"There is a word for what you did, Zoe!" he cried, his voice finally breaking. Then he whispered it just for her ears. "It's called rape. Now I'm inclined not to use that word where the others can hear, cause truth be told, I was just drunk enough that I hoped you'd ignore me... but still, no means no..." Then the anger returned. He sat back and raised his voice again. "To get your way, you took advantage of a drunk, relatively non-violent man who happens to be your husband. You destroyed my trust in you, my respect for you... because you didn't respect me or my feelings in anything pertaining to this child!"

She reached out to him, attempting to embrace him, but he moved further away and stood as quickly as his shaking legs would allow.

Blood still dripped from the corner of his mouth, and he wiped it with the back of his hand and picked up his bag as he tried to get control of his voice. "Don't know if this can be set right, Zoe," he whispered. "Of course I'll always love and want our child, seeing as it's not its fault that it exists... but I don't know if I can forgive you so easily. Don't know if I can ever trust you again... or even if I want to try... Maybe time will tell. Maybe not."

He walked away and slowly climbed the stairs on his way back to his make shift berth on the bridge.

Zoe stayed right where she had fallen after knocking her husband down. She didn't move and she didn't even give any indication that she saw the crew moving towards her. It was only when Mal pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her that the tears finally came. She sobbed quietly, without making much noise, just as she had on those rare occasions during the war. She would weep silently while Mal comforted her, because you couldn't make noise when the enemy was around...

Thing was that she would give anything for it to be Wash comforting her now, but he might not ever do that for her again... and she had only herself to blame.

She found him in the corner, behind his hammock. His arms were around his legs, his head resting upon his knees. He wept as though his heart was breaking and Kaylee figured it wasn't the first time in the past few weeks that he had done so.

She moved beside him and when she put her arms around him he instantly moved into her embrace and wept upon her shoulder. She rubbed his back and whispered what comforting words she could and when he finally calmed, she wiped his face with her sleeve and smiled at him.

"Hey..." she whispered.

"Hey," he whispered back.

"It'll be OK, Wash. You have to believe that. Zoe's a good woman, just too logical and not feeling enough sometimes, is all." She gave him a hug. "But she's crazy about you... Told me once that she's never been crazy about any man but you."

"She did?" he sniffed.

"Sure did. And I imagine that when you love a man that much, you want to see more of him in this world. I think maybe that's why she wanted this child so badly. Maybe she was blinded by her need to actually live for once...to bring forth life rather than deal death..."

"Kaylee..."

"Hush now," she admonished. "I'm not done talking yet. In case you doubt what I said about her feelings for you, you should know that she's crying. Ain't none of us ever seen that happen before. Maybe the captain has, don't know about that. But I don't think she meant to hurt you, Wash. She just wasn't thinking clear, ya know?"

"Name's Hob."

"What?" She looked at him like he had lost his mind.

"My given name is Hoban, but don't you go telling, dong ma?"

"Cross my heart!" She did so with a forefinger. "Hob?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you want a child?"

He sighed heavily and let her go. "I once swore that I would never put another child in danger, Kaylee... and I can't... I won't... What I was trying to tell Zoe is that I do want a child with her, just not now. Not on this boat when we take so many risks."

"Why did you swear? What happened to you?"

Wash's face nearly crumbled again. "It's a long story, my girl... and I'm tired..."

"You have to talk to someone about it," she insisted. "Actually, you should probably tell Zoe, don't you think?"

"Can't"

"Why not?"

"She'd hate me if she heard the full story."

"Zoe could never hate you. She really loves you!"

"Well, you'll have to trust me on this one and I daresay that you'll agree once you know the truth of it."

"Well tell me and let's find out!"

Wash sighed. "I come from a long line of military pilots," he began. "Every one of them served with honor and it was expected that when the time came I would do the same. So when I turned twenty-one, after completing my basic studies, I applied for the top flight school in the quadrant. I was accepted and left my family and the life I knew behind in order to learn to be a pilot... for the Alliance."

Kaylee gasped loudly then covered her mouth with her hand. "You flew for the Alliance?" She was deeply shocked. She just couldn't see the lovable pilot she knew so well working for such a ruthless organization.

Wash sighed again. "It was all I knew at the time, Kaylee. It was all I was taught to know and expect my entire life, but if it makes you feel any better, I learned otherwise..."

Mal held Zoe away from him, his hands on her shoulders. She had had her short-lived cry, as was her way. Zoe never dragged anything out longer than she had too, not even her cries. He was about to ask her if she was OK when it became apparent to him that she was anything but.

Her tone had become pallid, taking on an ugly gray hue all those who has served on the frontlines in the war knew so well. It was the color a person turned just before they left the world.

"Zoe!"

"Sir, please don't let him leave..." she whispered, just before she collapsed.

Sweeping her up in his arms, he made for the infirmary, bellowing for the jing tzahng mei yong duh doctor the entire way.

Simon reached the infirmary entrance at the same time he did.

"What can it be, doc?" Mal asked, beginning to actually feel a panic set in.

"Probably a ruptured ectopic pregnancy," the doctor ground out.

"I'll go get Wash!" Mal took a step towards the door. Their pilot was the one person on the boat whose blood was a match for all of them.

"Captain, we have to get her to the nearest hospital! She's bleeding out into her abdomen and she'll require far more blood than Wash alone can provide."

Malcolm Reynolds called for a medical shuttle. Then he held his second in command's hand and silently willed her to find a reason to stay with them.