Give Me Reason
By Second-Hand Heart
I Love You
Disclaimer: All content (i.e. characters, themes, places, etc.) belong to J.K. Rowling. If you think I'm benefiting financially from this at all, then you're a shit.
I don't know when it happened. It just did, and I regret not noticing it. I just kind of went numb. I stopped feeling anything and everything.
I think it was after the final battle with Voldemort, while everyone was celebrating his defeat and all the surviving Death Eaters were on trial to be either put in Azkaban or prosecuted. Everyone was so happy, even the Muggles. Everyone was celebrating and I was in St Mungo's with about one hundred and twenty others, recuperating because we almost died or were terribly injured.
I don't remember much about the Final Battle, just that the duel almost killed me and all the other people that fought against the Dark: Dumbledore, the Order of the Phoenix, the whole Weasley family, Hermione, every professor at Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy, some Slytherins, a lot of people from the other houses, even some Death Eaters had rebelled at the last second. I guess they knew they were going to lose. It didn't matter that they fought for us really, they were still sent to Azkaban for all the people they killed.
Only a few were left standing after everything was finished. I wasn't. I was close to dead when the smoke cleared, and many others were dead. Two hundred and seventeen were killed in the battle, a lot of them close to my heart.
Ron lost both his parents, and four of his brothers: Fred, George, Bill and Percy. At least he still had Charlie and Ginny, though they've all suffered terribly for the losses.
Draco lost his father, though I'm not sure whether he'll be slightly happy about that. It's no secret that Lucius used to abuse Draco. But his mother must have loved him. When he died, she lost her mind.
Dumbledore died, the fight took everything out of him. He took on groups of Death Eaters at a time. Several Professors tried to help him but they were injured in the process. Professor McGonagall so much so that she was laid to rest beside the Headmaster too.
The school lost a lot of its Staff and Students that night. It was lucky we didn't drag any of the younger grades into it. We only took the Seventh Years, a whole grade too many. They fought to their deaths.
But when it came down to the crunch and I was left facing Voldemort knowing that those who I loved were beside me, some dying, and some still fighting with everything they had in them. I remember seeing Hermione and Ron off to either side of me, taking on all manner of Voldemort's personal army.
I don't really remember how I beat him, all I know was that he let his guard down somewhere and I took advantage of his exhaustion. I attacked with every spell I had ever learnt, every piece of knowledge that was taught to me by the Professors in my private studies. I was amazed at how much good the classes with Snape were.
But by the end of it I was too tired myself to even stand. All I can remember from the time after I hit the ground was a pair of arms picking me up and taking me away, the pound of feet on the ground as those left standing ran to the aid of their fallen comrades.
I woke up in St Mungo's a week later with the last of the Order in beds beside me, as well as my friends and Professors. I really wish that I hadn't woken up then. I was looking around and I found the only other person awake, though barely.
My Head of House was ten beds down from me, muttering to the doctors surrounding her. She spied me looking at her and gave me a tired smile, told the doctors one more thing and slowly closed her eyes. I thought she had gone to sleep at first. Then the doctors covered her over with the bed sheet and I knew. And I couldn't help but cry as I watched them move her bed through the doors and disappear out of sight.
I was alone and awake for several days, days in which I simply stared at the ceiling and tried to remember what had happened and watched the people I loved around me slowly get better in their sleep. Once or twice a bed and patient was removed from the ward, and I cried my silent mourning.
Hermione was the first to wake up. She sat bolt upright screaming her head off. It shocked me at first, then I reasoned that she was probably having nightmares about it, reliving the worst experience she will ever have had in her life. When she stopped screaming she just blinked a couple of times and looked around the room. She spied me sitting up in my bed staring at the wall opposite me...
"Harry?" she whispered tentatively.
His head slowly turned to look at her. His face was scratched all over and there was a cut along the side of his neck. He had his glasses on and behind them... dead emerald eyes.
"Oh Harry..." She scrambled out of her bed and slowly made her way over to where he sat. Her feet hurt something terrible and she couldn't really keep her balance. Her knees shook as she gripped onto the ends of the other beds for support.
When she reached him he held his arms out open and she gratefully sat on his bed, wrapped in his arms. She kissed his cheek and buried her head in his shoulder. She thought he had been killed in the battle, she had seen his body lying prone on the ground across from Voldemort's.
He cleared his throat above her and she looked back up at him.
"There were losses, Hermione." She nodded. After all, there was bound to be. But the look in his eyes told her that there was going to be a lot of weeping. "Dumbledore... he didn't make it." She stared at him with a look of pure loss, her mouth slightly open. Then, the floodgates opened, she choked out a sob and began to cry furiously against his chest. He cleared his throat again as if he was trying very hard himself not to start crying.
"Um... Professor McGonagall-"she gasped. She didn't need the rest of the sentence to know and she closed her eyes tight as the tears slowly began to fall faster and she began to sob uncontrollably. He sighed and held her tighter. "And Professor Flitwick." She sobbed louder in her mourning. She had been so close to the Charms professor and her Head of House; they had been her favorite teachers and the only ones who really appreciated her dedication to her work.
"Hermione..." She looked up. Harry was crying now too and his face was crushed with mourning over the sad news he was about to deliver. "Mr. And Mrs. Weasley... well, they...they... Merlin I can't say 'Mione!" His tears fell behind his glasses and he buried his face in her hair.
"Oh, God..." she choked out and they held each other tighter. "Who else?" she asked after several minutes of crying into each other.
"Fred and George, - " She let out a heavy breath that had caught itself in her lungs. "- Bill and Percy, - " She gasped. "- Draco lost his father, but I don't know if that's good or bad... and..." He stopped and looked away. His grip around her waist tightened. He cleared his throat again in an effort to regain his voice, which had begun to crack with each announcement of who had been lost.
"Moony." He said softer than a whisper. He broke then, all resolve to try and stop the tears banished as he crumbled against her. She held him close against her as the minutes passed and he wept his grief. In the years that Harry had known him, Remus Lupin had become something of an Uncle. They had shared everything with each other... and it was no doubt that his death would be a hard blow to the head for Harry.
"Then there's a lot of Aurors and Ministry army men... and about half our grade..."
"Oh God...Oh dear Merlin..." she looked up at Harry as she realized something. "Who's going to tell the school? People have brothers and sisters who would have died and Dumbledore... Who's going to run the school? And the teachers? What's going to happen to us Harry?"
"I don't know. I really don't know..." They sat thinking for a bit before Harry spoke again. "Hermione? How're we supposed to tell Ron and Ginny?"
She looked back up at him. "Oh...Oh God! They've got no one! Harry!" she was getting frantic. How were they supposed to get through this? They'd lost almost everyone who were any sign of real importance in their lives... But she still had her family didn't she? Her three friends and Draco had absolutely no one anymore and she had everyone she had ever loved. She opened her mouth to speak again but she was cut short by a low moan from a bed halfway down the room.
They looked at each other and got off Harry's bed, making their way down to the patient. Hermione gripped Harry's arm for support, looking at all the other people in the beds they were passing. She spied several of their professors, some Aurors, many students and more than an abundance of Order members.
They got to the bed holding the origin of the moan. The man was sitting in his bed with the blankets tucked tightly around him. His eyes were peaking out between long strands of black hair lying string-like around him on his pillow and over his face. His pale skin was a slight contrast to the white sheets of his bed.
"Professor Snape?" Harry asked quietly. He was staring quite concernedly at the older man.
Hermione had to stop herself from laughing slightly as Snape replied him with his trademark sneer.
"Who else did you think it was Potter?" he rasped out. His voice was like sandpaper but he never managed to lack ay form of sarcasm, especially for Harry.
"Sorry sir. How do you feel?" Harry asked quit innocently.
Snape eyed him a moment. "Like shit." He looked between them. "And you two have been crying."
"Yes sir." Hermione managed to mumble. "We've lost quite a number of people who were dear to us."
Snape nodded sharply and, shock upon shock, even looked sympathetic. "Who did we lose?" He asked carefully. Harry looked away and began studying the wall. Hermione sighed and began listing the dead. By the end of it Snape was glowering at his hands, obviously trying as hard as Harry had to stop his grief from getting the better of him.
"I see." He mumbled.
And now I'm sitting here in my bed, still at St Mungo's, staring at the blank piece of paper in front of me and trying to think about what I should say in the eulogy for the Weasley's funeral.
It came as a hard blow to Ron and Ginny when they found out. I had to take Ron over to one side after he woke up and tell him that most of his family had died in the battle. I think I saw his heart break and his soul die in his eyes as I told him. I knew he was going to ask questions about it but he never got a chance to; Hermione had taken on Ginny. It was a terrible thing to hear. Ginny kind of collapsed. She screamed, a terribly heart-wrenching noise, and fell against Hermione in a sobbing heap, hitting Hermione's shoulder over and over again.
I watched as Ron ran over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head and telling her it'd be okay. They sat together for hours just crying and reassuring each other that it was going to be fine, that they'd make it through. At first Ginny just kept yelling no and hitting her older brother weakly, then her yells died down and they just sat together, tears streaking their faces red even though their eyes were closed.
I can't begin to think what it must be like. I know I lost my parents, but I hadn't known them, hadn't known their love like the two redheads crying on the bed across from mine. And then to lose four of your brothers in the same instant... I don't know if I could have lived through that like them. I still need to tell them about Charlie. That'll be even worse, having to tell my best friend and my girlfriend that they might lose yet another of their family.
Professor Snape still hasn't gotten out of bed. He's tried on several occasions but he's either collapsed because his legs can't hold him or he's been caught by the nurse. Every time he's caught he unleashes the biggest vocabulary of profanities I've ever heard, it even rivals Dudley's lot of crass terminology.
Hermione has had frequent visits from her parents, but after the incident with Ron and Ginny she hasn't let them into the ward. She always sees them out in the hall. Sometimes I go with her, just to get a change of scenery. The blank white walls of our ward are way too monotonous for me to handle for weeks on end. I was offered my own room by several of the nurses, but I turned them down. I want to be around when the other students wake up. I know and care about most of them. I also want to be around for the last remaining members of the Order to wake.
Draco still hasn't woken up yet. Snape asks about him every time he sees me. Draco is at the other end of the ward from him so he can't really tell. It must suck to be Head of House and not know if your students are okay. I'm going to hate it when I have to tell Snape that most of his students were killed, a lot of them by their own parents.
I don't know whether I'm looking forward to Draco waking up. I mean, we became friends once he joined the Order. Actually, we became closer than friends. He's now as close as Ron, Ginny and Hermione are to me. But I can't help but have my doubts.
"Fuck, why do I have to tell all the harder people?" I mutter to myself. Hermione looks up at me from her bed. We had all our beds moved together so we're now all side-by-side. I even had Draco moved to beside Herm'. A fortnight ago she would have hated me for it. She and Ron never really trusted Draco. When he joined the Order they thought he was spying for his father so that he could know what we were planning. But I knew what Lucius was like and I trusted Draco. Now Hermione sits up at night and watches Draco to see if he wakes up, and Ron watches him during the day. They seem like they're fighting over who gets to apologize to him first. But they pinned my to tell him about his father and mother.
"They're not really that hard Harry." Hermione tells me, leaning across the gap between our beds to see what I've written.
"No, it's not that." I tell her. She looks at me questioningly. "Couldn't you tell Snape about the Slytherins Herm', please? I mean, it's no secret that he hates me. But he'd loathe me if I was the one to tell him most of his seventh year students were killed."
"Harry," she looked suddenly tearful "I don' t think anyone is up to telling Snape that he's lost most of his house. But someone has to. And you know neither Ron nor I are up to the verbal attack he'd gives us."
"Yes, but why me?" I say sulkily.
She laughs at me. "Oh Harry." She gets off her bed and gives me a hug. "I think that every hero ever written about in book or scroll has asked that question!" She looks again at the blank piece of parchment in my lap. "Want help?"
I smile my thanks and we start writing the eulogy for Fred and George.
----
It's been three days since I finished the eulogies. There's a mass funeral for all that died at school tomorrow. Apparently they've cleared a section of the Forbidden Forest to make a graveyard. I received a letter from Colin Creevey yesterday. He told me that some of the Professors had returned, but those who were still with the rest of the injured had been replaced by Ministry workers from the Department of Education.
He also said that Dumbledore's office had sealed itself again, like it did in my fifth year with that bitch woman Umbridge. The school had been shocked to hear the news of his death, and Professors McGonagall's. He said that the halls and classrooms were now draped in black and the Great Hall's ceiling-sky had been a "really dark grey" for about a week. Everyone was crying and people often had to be taken out of classes to go to the Hospital Wing.
"All the teachers are wearing black, and nobody smiles anymore. We walk about between classes and everyone is either crying or comforting their friends. The halls are barely lit and they've put shutters on the windows so that everything is darker. It's hard to get to sleep. I try to ignore the crying but it's so loud, you can even hear it from the other Houses dorms. And everyone's being nice to one another. Even the Slytherins. I asked Tony Smithe why and he said it was because they hadn't had any news on Snape."
I feel really guilty now. I hadn't replied. I wasn't allowed to write back right away. His owl arrived just before it was time for bed so I have to write back today.
I can't right now though. Ginny's sleeping in my arms. It's tough trying to console her when I don't understand what she's going through. I try to, and I think I'm getting better, but still feel pretty hopeless.
"Harry?" I look up. The nurse is standing over me with one of the saddest faces I've ever seen.
Oh no, I think to myself as I gently remove myself from the bed, careful not to wake Ginny, and follow the nurse to the door and out into the hall.
She closes the door behind us and turns to face me with tears shining in her eyes.
And all of a sudden she's hugging me fiercely. I hug her back weakly, knowing what she's about to say... or at least I have a feeling, a very bad feeling.
"I'm so sorry dear." She says pulling away from me and holding me at arms length, searching my face like she's expecting me to break down. "Mr. Weasley – Charlie – he didn't make it. I'm so sorry dear. We tried as hard as we could." She hugs me again, crying herself, and all I feel is numb. I pat her on the back and stare at the door... but I don't see it. I see flashes of Ginny's face: happy, sad, crying, crumpling, grieving and dying.
The nurse lets go of me, gives me a quick, sympathetic peck on the cheek and walks off down the hall, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.
I stand and stare at the door, still watching Ginny's face being destroyed by her grief as she mourns another lost brother.
Slowly, I step forward and grasp the knob. I turn it slowly and step inside, my eyes snapping to the sleeping form of my girlfriend, her long red hair standing out vividly against the white sheets.
"Harry?" I look to the person calling my name. Hermione's sitting on her bed with Ron, a book spread out over their laps. I walk slowly towards them and sit down on the end of the bed, staring at Ron. I can feel the tears prickling at the backs of my eyes as I think about how I'm supposed to tell him.
There's a hand on my shoulder now, long white fingers grabbing weakly at the hospital clothes. I turn to face the owner and I find myself looking into the extremely tires and point face of Draco Malfoy.
"Draco!" Hermione says happily. "You're awake!" He nods silently and she pulls him down to sit next to me.
I watch him carefully. His hair is messy and tangled. It's grown in the last year so that it comes down to just past his chin, but at the moment it's sitting in straggly clumps behind his ears. His eyes are tired and half lidded. They have large black rings underneath them too. His milk white skin has large red grazes marking his cheekbones.
"I feel like shit." He grumbles as he rubs his head.
"That's what Snape said when he woke up." I tell him. I'm amused by how uncannily similar Draco and Snape think.
"Severus? Is he awake? Is he here?" Draco's looking around now, desperately trying to find his Head of House.
"Yeah, he's here and he's completely fine but he's not awake. He has been for the last week, give or take a few days, but he's asleep right now." Ron told him. He was looking at the Slytherin a bit differently than he usually would and it takes me a while to register the fact that he's looking at Draco with concern.
"Where is he?" Draco asks, still bending and twisting this way and that, trying to find Snape.
"He's over there." I point to the bed at the far end of the ward and Draco jumps off his seat beside me and staggers over to the slumbering professor. I watch him kneel beside the bed and wake Snape. I see the black eyes crack open to stare at Draco. Then his hand comes up and pats the blonde hair down as he says something. And Draco laughs. I smile and turn back to my friends.
Oh, Merlin help me...
"Ron?" Ron's head turns to face me. He was watching The Snape and Draco Reunion too.
"Yeah Harry?"
"Ron... I'm sorry...ummm..."
Why can't I say this?
"For what mate?"
"Ron, Charlie... he didn't... make it..."
"I'm so sorry Ron."
Ron's stares at me like I just slapped him across the face. He's just sitting there. I can barely imagine what he's feeling. His last hope has just fallen away and his last brother has just died. All he has left now is Ginny. I can almost see his everything falling apart. He has nowhere to live, no way of going through the rest of school and getting Ginny through it too, his family is gone and his world has just been torn apart.
"Ron...?" Hermione pulls him to her, but he keeps staring at me. I start to wonder if he can actually see me anymore.
Finally he begins to cry and he chokes on a sob, catching it halfway between his vocal chords and his mouth. He sinks down on the bed and buries his face in Hermione's chest. She strokes his hair and makes shushing sounds as he begins sobbing and gasping for air.
I watch them for a moment before I turn away to get off the bed and go wake Ginny. As I put my feet on the floor I look over to Draco and Snape and almost choke on air. I start coughing and spluttering. The student and the professor were kissing and quite passionately too. Snape's hands were threaded through Draco's lank white hair, pulling him closer while Draco wrapped his arms around the older mans torso, grinding their bodies together.
I quickly turn away. There's no way anything was going to distract me from getting to Ginny, no matter how amazing... or gross said thing was.
I walk to Ginny's bed and carefully place our bodies back in the positions they were in before the nurse had taken me outside. I kissed her forehead lightly and hugged her before waking her up. God knows how she'll react to the news. I shook her gently to wake her. She moaned slightly as she woke, a smile curling on her lips.
God she's gorgeous, was the last thought I had before she looked up at me.
I guess it was from either the gravely sad look on my face or the sound of Ron crying, but her smile slowly faded.
"Harry?" she whispered but she guessed what was wrong before I even spoke. "Oh..." She put her head against my chest. I could feel her ear listening to my heartbeat, thumping a rhythm she had to hear as if to make sure she was alive. I held her tighter against me. There was no way I was going to let her suffer without knowing that I love her, that I will always love her. And then I feel a new beat join my heart, her tears. And now her sobs and the gentle shaking of her body join in. I close my eyes and listen to the unique symphony of her grief. Maybe I haven't stopped feeling. There's no way I could have if I love this girl so much.
I start rocking backwards and forwards, trying in a desperate attempt to quell her weeping at least a little. I don't like to see her cry. It's death to me.
We sit for another hour as she grieves the loss of Charlie. I don't mind. I just want to make her feel loved. That's all she needs right now, love.
She's stopped crying, her breathing has slowed down and her grip has loosened around my arms. I look down. She's sleeping. Her weight feels so right against me chest. This is so right.
"Harry?"
I look over. Hermione's lying with Ron in her arms. He's sleeping as well and I figure crying that hard for so long must make you extremely tired. Hermione's looking at me with bloodshot eyes. She must have cried with Ron too. Am I the only one who can't cry?
"Hey." I say quietly.
"How's Ginny?" she looks at the redheaded Angel sleeping in my arms.
"She's good. Just sleeping."
"That's good." She looks down at Ron. "Harry?"
"Mmm?"
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course."
She looked hesitant for a moment before she said "I think I'm in love with Ron. I mean, I know we fight an awful lot but... I really do love him."
I can't help it. I grin. Wider than I have in months. I look between the two and it grows.
"Harry!" she whispers indignantly. She's looking halfway between distressed, pleased and frightened. "This is serious."
"I know it is. And it's excellent."
"You mean it?" She looks like I'm lying to her. She's scowling at me like I'm about to jump up and yell at her for stealing Ron from me.
"Yeah I mean it! Hermione," I replace the grin with the most serious expression I can manage. "Ron's just lost his family. He's only got Ginny now and I'm afraid I might be stealing her away for quite some time. He needs to be loved. I think it's excellent that you love him. He'll need you."
"Thank you Harry..." she paused and looked at me like she had just noticed what I had said."What do you mean you're stealing Ginny?"
I smiled again. "I always love it when you read between the lines Herm'."
Her lips start curling. "Oh."
"Don't tell Ron. Not yet."
"Don't tell me what?" Ron was awake and squinting at me suspiciously.
"Don't Worry Ron." I tell him, stroking Ginny's hair as she starts mumbling in her sleep.
I lean down and kiss her temple and whisper "I love you."
Please review!!! I need eight - ten before I can write my next story (multi-chapter! Yeah!!!)
Thanks!!!
Snake Bites,
Jinn.
xxXXxx