Benson took the wine glass from Casey, hoping she had flinched on the inside only and wondering what it was about the ADA that made her so antsy. For someone she had never imagined she would get along with, Olivia found herself enjoying Casey's company. And she didn't know what to think of that. She took a sip of the offered wine and was pleased with its rich flavor. "Well ADA Novak, here's your first compliment of the night: You serve a fabulous wine."
"Ah, gratsi Detective. Let us now find some food to go with it, or I will be facedown on the floor." Casey walked back towards the couch and sat with the phone book in her lap. Olivia followed and came to rest beside her. As Casey found the 'Restaurants' in the phone book, Olivia slid closer so they could look at the same time. Casey couldn't help but notice the warmth that gently radiated from Olivia's leg to her own. She let her leg muscles relax a little, allowing for their legs, just slightly, to meet. 'What the hell are you doing Novak?,' Casey berated herself. She hadn't eaten since morning and the wine was making her head lighter already. But then she noted that Olivia hadn't moved her leg away. Inside, Casey almost fell over inside when Benson reached over her lap to point out a nice little place in the phone book.
"This little eatery is amazing! You'd never know it from the outside, but the food is phenomenal. I can order us something if you give me your address." Olivia relaxed back onto the couch from her hunched over the phone book position, closing her eyes and taking another drink of her wine as she did so. She felt she was sitting too close to the ADA, but she didn't want to move. As Casey scrawled her address on the side of the page Olivia could feel the vibrations in her own leg. She was very conflicted and worried that with much more wine that wouldn't even matter. She felt awkward spending outside time with someone she had argued with on the job so much. But, she was oddly comforted by Novak here outside of work, and she kept thinking of tidbits that loosened her harsh view of Casey: pulling that little girl from the cooler, disagreeing that violence was innate, telling the wife of an HIV infected man to get herself tested. While Benson maybe didn't always agree with Casey's procedures, she had to admit, more times than not Novak had gotten the verdict the squad wanted. On the other hand, Olivia didn't know if she wanted to feel comfortable around Novak; she didn't know if she wanted her carefully constructed walls to give way. While she was leaning back thinking, she felt Novak get up and then heard her walking back. Casey placed the phone in her hand, and Olivia lifted her head up and opened her eyes. She could see the ADA studying her, and it almost felt like she was already deconstructing Olivia. Benson lowered her eyes to the phonebook and began the call. Several minutes later, the best Italian in town was ordered and the waiting for it began.
Casey sat back down on the couch and resolved to figure out what was underneath the detective's skin, what mystery it was that caused people to loose themselves in her eyes. "So, Detective, what made you want to join the SVU?" Casey had been sure she wasn't equipped to handle the job when she'd been assigned it; she couldn't fathom actually volunteering to work such a brutal squad. She saw the slight change in Olivia's face before she answered, almost like a mask slipping into place; after all, she was trained to notice the little things, what made people on the stand squirm. She just wasn't prepared for the answer.
"You know, it's funny, well . . . not funny." Olivia sighed. Why was that always the first question people asked? She knew it wasn't intentional, but it grated on her, always giving up that personal information so early on in a relationship of any kind. She just didn't feel like going into it right now; the week had been too rough, some cases hitting too closely to home for her. She took the last sip of her wine and rubbed her temples with one hand. Why had she agreed to do this?
Casey saw she had hit on something but didn't want to force whatever it was; Olivia would open up in her own time. She grabbed Benson's wine glass and gathered her own, trying to diffuse the situation. "I am going to go refill us. Be right back; don't go anywhere." She was slightly worried Olivia would run out while she was refilling their wine. She brought the bottle back in with her and set it on the coffee table. Olivia looked a little more collected and arched an eyebrow. "Ok, so I get lazy when I am off duty. Don't you?"
Olivia started on her second glass of wine. It was quickly loosening her head and her tongue. "My mother was raped." She stopped to take another sip, no gulp of wine. Casey had stopped mid-glass to mouth, and set her wine glass down.
Casey had not been expecting to hear those words coming from Olivia's mouth. She started to open her mouth to say something, but then she stopped. For one, she knew she had nothing to say, and she also felt the statement was incomplete, the uneasiness was still too thick around Olivia. So, Casey just leaned back and watched Olivia drink her wine.
"She was raped when she was pretty young. It wasn't anyone she knew. Or wanted to know after that." Olivia could see the slightly puzzled look on Casey's face and realized her last statement was a little confusing. She took another drink of wine to steady her hands. "She got pregnant by her rapist. My dad. No one ever found him, prosecuted him. Of course, I never knew him, but know that I look like him."
Casey was honored by what Olivia had just opened up to her with, but she had no idea what to say back to her. "Olivia, I . . ." No words would come, so she just shut up. The last statement Olivia made was nagging at her though; she went through Benson's cases in her head, some reactions making more sense now. "Just because you might look like him, doesn't mean you resemble him in any other way, shape, or form." It came out slightly lower than she'd intended.
Olivia almost broke at the softness in Casey's voice. She had been told that time and again by everyone who knew, but something about the softness in this woman's usually harsher voice affected her. "Yeh, it is just hard sometimes though." Olivia didn't want to talk about herself anymore at the moment. "So, why didn't you want to work with us SVU-ers? Or should I answer that myself with one of two logical answers: One, you didn't want to deal with the aftermath of such heinous crimes, or, two, you didn't want to deal with a squad with such heinous attitudes?" Olivia tried to smile.
Casey let out a little laugh. "Actually a combination of the two maybe. Pulling that little girl out of a cooler was just such a brutal awakening to the things I'd be dealing with." She hadn't told anyone about her reaction that evening, but figured since Olivia opened up to her, it would only be fair to do the same. "Actually, I had nightmares all night about that, which is amazing considering the amount I cried before I could even fall asleep. I mean, I had seen dead bodies before, pretty bloody crime scenes, but something about that little girl. She WAS just a little girl. That's what got me, she wasn't old enough to have lost her innocence like that. She hadn't done anything to deserve to be so mistreated. I guess . . . I just didn't know if I could deal with that every day." Casey was looking at her lap, her fingers picking at each other. That was an old nervous habit she hated that snuck back once every now and then. "I guess it didn't help that the squad I was working with seemed to throw up ice walls every time I came around."
It was Olivia's turn to be speechless, but this time because of embarrassment. Then, she was saved by the bell, literally; the buzzer for their food went off. Casey came back with the food and began unwrapping it in silence. "In my book, ADA Novak, telling someone confidential AIDs information, knowing that it could get you in a boatload of trouble, is one of the most admirable things I have seen. Ever." Olivia had really respected that decision Casey had made; she'd thought about it herself, but in the end decided not to tell.
Casey gave a little half laugh. "Yeh, that or incredibly stupid. If things hadn't turned out the way they did, I'd be jobless and screwed right now." Casey had been proud of her gusto right up until she found out she might be disbarred. When the reality hit her, she had gone totally numb for a split second; her whole life's work might be destroyed over one, she felt, humanly necessary act. It was almost disturbing enough to make her revert back to being the stoic ice queen of her earlier days. But somewhere deep down, she had known it needed to be done.
As Casey bent down to pull the last of the food out of her bag, Olivia noticed her back again; this time a little more blatantly. There was definitely a scar there. "I don't think it was stupid. If it had been me, I would have wanted someone to tell me. That's all beside the point anyway; you need to take your compliments more graciously." She didn't want to mention her scare with the HIV virus. It was still too fresh to talk about. The old hurts, they were manageable.