Chapter Four: Beauty and the Yeast
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters used in my story.
A/N: Still no reviews rolling in....oh well. I'll update and see what happens... Enjoy the story...oh, and be sure to check out my other story, Dream on. Its Harry Potter. Hehehe...read on............
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"Welcome, welcome. To my humble abode." Sam invited all of his guests into his house.
He counted all the heads.
"Where are Eowyn and Faramir? They're late!"
"Don't fuss, Samwise, don't fuss, we're here."
Eowyn's voice rang out.
Sam glared.
"You were meant to be here three minutes ago!"
"Hey, Sam, relax!" Merry patted him on the arm.
"Yeah! It's not like you're planning a Bilbo party or anything!"
"I know, I know," Sam sighed heavily, "But I've never had this many people in my house at one time!"
Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Eowyn, and Faramir all followed Sam into his living room, which was nice and cosy with puffy couches, chairs, and a fireplace. A table was set with snacks and drinks.
"No salty pork, Gimli, I'm afraid." said Legolas slyly.
"Ah, will you never let that rest???"
"No, I'm afraid."
Arwen grinned. "Yeah, that's right. Not only are Elves great looking and immortal, we also have impeccable memory capabilities."
"Oooh, Arwen's using biggish words today!" Pippin laughed.
"You're not immortal anymore." Aragorn murmured into her ear.
Arwen smiled at him softly.
"I know. And I don't care."
"Oooh! Aragorn's getting mushy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"And you Hobbits are getting immature!" Aragorn replied.
"Yeah right, Aragorn. You're just jealous cos you're so old."
"Yeah, right Pippin, you're just jealous. How long that cheeky head stays on your shoulders is completely in my power."
"Aah, but nice old Aragorn wouldn't decapitate a good friend, would he?"
"No, Pippin, I wouldn't." Aragorn admitted.
Gimli cleared his throat for about five minutes, and when he was done, everyone stared at him.
"Well, we're wasting time. Who is telling this time?"
Everyone looked at everyone.
Everyone else looked at everyone else.
And everyone looked at everyone again.
"Oh, yeah, it's my go." Eowyn snapped out of a daze.
Everone looked at everyone else and rolled their eyes.
"Hey, if you keep rolling your eyes at me, I won't tell my story! Okay, my story is called Beauty and the Yeast. But before I start, here's a little prologue. I presume you all know that other story, Beauty and the Beast?"
Everyone nodded.
"Well, this is set in the same town, but after the whole falling in love with the beast thing happened. BELLE AND BEASTY ARE GONE. Okay? Good. Here goes....."
Eowyn took a deep breath and began to tell her story.
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young girl called Carpentaritaritaria. She worked as a baker in the local town called Siddenneeey.
Every guy in town liked Carpentaritaritaria, but she didn't like any of them. All the local boys were either fat, smelly, or green.
One day, Carpentaritaritaria was kneading bread dough, and had to get some yeast. All the shops were closed, except the dodgy shop on the corner, called McDodgees. Carpentaritaritaria had no choice. She went into McDodgees and bought a dodgy looking packet of yeast. The use by date hadn't passed, so she supposed it was alright.
She went back to the bakery, and added the dodgy yeast to her mix. She moulded it and shaped it into a loaf shape. Her father, who was dead, had always told her to sprinkle five handfuls of flour ontop of a loaf to make it taste nicer. Carpentaritaritaria was very tired, so she grabbed the flour box, grabbed five handfuls of what was inside, and dropped it in one big clump ontop of the bread loaf.
The next morning, Carpentaritaritaria baked the loaf, and played a Lame- Toy, with the latest Pooper Mario game while she was waiting. (A/N: If you're wondering about the lack of customers, well, there was a Baker's Delight right next door, and every one went there. That's why she only bakes one loaf of bread at a time. On the rare occasion that someone buys a loaf of bread, she just goes and makes another one.) When the bread was ready, she took it out. Her working hours were from ten o clock to twelve o clock. So she waited for two hours, and then closed up shop.
The poor loaf was still sitting there uneaten, so Carpentaritaritaria cut off the end where she had sprinkled the flour, and ate that. She was full after the bread, and so she decided to go for a walk, and feed the ducks. She stopped for a coffee on the way back.
Carpentaritaritaria went to bed early that night, because she wanted to wake up early and bake TWO loaves of bread! She felt that maybe tomorrow would be a better day.
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
Carpentaritaritaria woke up the next day, and got out of bed. Or tried. She rolled off the bed, onto the floor. She couldn't get up. Then she realized. She was poofed up like a balloon.
"What's happened to me?" she thought hysterically, "Why am I a human balloon!?!?!?!"
She thought over the events of the previous day. Feeding the ducks, drinking coffee, buying yeast, making dough, sprinkling flour....sprinkling flour!
She realized that instead of reaching for the flour on her left, she had reached for the packet on her right! YEAST! She had swallowed five full handfuls of yeast!
"Right," she thought, "That's the LAST TIME I ever buy ANYTHING from McDodgees."
She got herself up from the floor with great difficulty, and lumbered out of her bedroom door. She'd have to face people sooner or later, it had better be sooner.
As soon as she stepped out side of the bakery, everyone stared at her. One kid rode past on a bicycle and screamed, "LOOK!!!!!!!IT"S THE BEAST!!!!!!!!!THE BEAST HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Stupid kid." muttered Carpentaritaritaria.
She waddled down the street, aware of everyone staring.
All of her former admirers looked at her in disgust and horror. Nobody recognised her.
Luckily, Carpentaritaritaria knew of a nice little hideout, inside of a great, gloomy castle, where she knew a horrific monster had once dwelled.
She lumbered along the darkening path, until she reached her destination. Carpentaritaritaria pushed open the creaky door, and stepped inside the castle.
"Phew, it's hot!" Carpentaritaritaria said to herself, "Actually, it's been extremely hot for about four days now! Absolutely sweltering."
Carpentaritaritaria found a nice comfy spot on the ground, as she was now too fat to fit into a chair.
"Ah, well," Carpentaritaritaria sighed, "I'll go to the village once a week to get money out of my account and buy food. I'll just hang out here."
Weeks went past, and Carpentaritaritaria continued to live in this pathetic way.
One day, there was a knock at the door. Carpentaritaritaria answered.
A skinny, handsome random guy brandished a shiny sword.
"Innocent villagers have told me of the foul beast which dwells inside this castle. I will kill you now and rid the villagers of their troubles!"
Carpentaritaritaria screamed as he took a swipe at her.
"No! You don't understand!"
The random handsome guy took another swipe.
"I'm just a girl! I ate some Mc Dodgees yeast, and I blew up!"
The random handsome guy stopped swiping for a moment, and looked at her, astonished.
"Even though you're an ugly beast, surely you know not to ever, ever buy ANYTHING from McDodgees???"
He took a jab at her stomach.
"NO!!! YOU STUPID, STUPID, RANDOM PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS OUT OF YEAST, AND MCDODGEES WAS THE ONLY STORE OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"You vulgar, weird beast! I will kill you!" The random guy began to chase her, with his arms and sword flailing.
Carpentaritaritaria gave a yell, and took off. Slowly. She couldn't run very fast because of her poofy tummy.
Luckily, the skinny guy was very unfit, and he could run about as fast as Carpentaritaritaria could.
"Evil creature! I will puncture your stomach, and watch you die! And then I'll return to the village and get the ten million dollar reward for killing you!"
Carpentaritaritaria screamed at him as she ran.
"YOU ARE AN IDIOT! I AM NOT A BEAST! MY NAME IS CARPENTARITARITARIA HA, AND I AM A RESIDENT OF THE VILLAGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK! I OWN A BAKERY!"
"You evil thing! Such respectable people would not employ a beast to work!"
"I'M TELLING YOU, YOU STUPID SKINNY RANDOM PERSON, I AM NOT A BEAST!"
And do on and so forth.
After about one and a half hours of running, they both made it to the top summit, which turned out to be three hundred metres from where the entrance door was, and it had a thirty centimetre incline.
But of course, the poofed up Carpentaritaritaria and the unfit skinny guy were completely exhausted by the time they got there.
"You feral beast! I will cut you from head to toe."
Carpentaritaritaria suddenly felt very cold. She noticed the random guy shivering too in the cold wind.
Carpentaritaritaria's teeth began to chatter. She felt strange, like she was being compressed. Slowly, she began to deflate.
"Of course! Yeast rises in heat, and goes down in the cold!" she laughed out loud.
The random guy stared as she twirled around, getting skinnier and skinnier.
When she was all deflated, she looked like the beautiful Carpentaritaritaria once again.
"Umm, sorry," the random guy began, "There seems to have been a mix up. But you're really quite pretty. Do you reckon you could marry me?"
"Gosh, you must be desperate. And you're so random!" Carpentaritaritaria took pity on him.
"You're good looking and all, but you're just too much of an idiot for my liking. How about I take you back to the village as my friend, and I will find you a nice, stupid, blonde bimbo, and you can get hitched with her instead."
"Okay! That sounds good! Thanks!"
And they walked out together on good terms.
"The end." Eowyn finished.
"Very nice." Merry said.
"Anyone want a rockmelon?" asked Sam.
"Sam! What did you think of my story???"
"Oh, it was good! I just like rockmelon."
Eowyn sighed.
Legolas came to her rescue. (A/N: sigh..... =)
"No, it was a very good story. I liked it."
Eowyn smiled at him gratefully.
"Thanks. I was a bit nervous, that's all."
"No, no, it was very good. I couldn't see that you were nervous at all." Legolas smiled back. (A/N: sigh..... =)
"Yeah. I reckon it'd be cool to puff up like that."
"No!" Arwen said, horrified, "You'd be fat!"
"I wouldn't care if you were fat." Aragorn said.
Arwen smiled up at him again.
"Err...Aragorn, what's with all the lovey dovey stuff today?" Faramir asked innocently.
"Honestly Faramir, you're worse than the young ones."
Faramir grinned. "I know."
Arwen groaned.
"Well, Aragorn, are we going home? I'm really slee-ee-py." Arwen tried to stifle a yawn.
"Well, what were you two doing last night to make you so tired?" Merry said in Faramir's innocent voice.
Arwen cuffed him around the head with one hand.
"Hey, what was that for?"
"For being a weirdo with a weird mind."
"Okay."
Since Arwen was glaring at Merry with a look that could cut through an iceberg the size of fifty seven thousand African elephants, Eowyn came to the rescue.
"Hey, we're going now too. We'll walk out with you."
"Great. Legolas, better get Gimli going."
"Alright. Gimli?" Legolas prodded Gimli's arm.
"He's fallen asleep!" Faramir whispered.
"I wondered why he was so quiet!" murmured Eowyn.
Legolas took a deep breath, and hollered
"GIMLI IF YOU DON'T GET UP NOW THE EVIL TREE WILL COME AND EAT YOUR SALTY PORK!"
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My salty pork!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gimli jerked awake.
Everyone stared.
"Whatever. Now, where can we go next time?" Legolas asked.
"Er, I guess you can come to our house." Faramir offered.
"YEAH!" Pippin and Merry and Sam punched the air. Faramir had a cool house with automatic everything, and arcade games.
"All for our house?" Eowyn asked.
Every hand shot up.
Eowyn grinned.
"Alright. See you all later."
Everyone bid their goodbye's, and departed in good spirits.
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Well, that was an extra, extra long chapter. Send me a review and tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters used in my story.
A/N: Still no reviews rolling in....oh well. I'll update and see what happens... Enjoy the story...oh, and be sure to check out my other story, Dream on. Its Harry Potter. Hehehe...read on............
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"Welcome, welcome. To my humble abode." Sam invited all of his guests into his house.
He counted all the heads.
"Where are Eowyn and Faramir? They're late!"
"Don't fuss, Samwise, don't fuss, we're here."
Eowyn's voice rang out.
Sam glared.
"You were meant to be here three minutes ago!"
"Hey, Sam, relax!" Merry patted him on the arm.
"Yeah! It's not like you're planning a Bilbo party or anything!"
"I know, I know," Sam sighed heavily, "But I've never had this many people in my house at one time!"
Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Eowyn, and Faramir all followed Sam into his living room, which was nice and cosy with puffy couches, chairs, and a fireplace. A table was set with snacks and drinks.
"No salty pork, Gimli, I'm afraid." said Legolas slyly.
"Ah, will you never let that rest???"
"No, I'm afraid."
Arwen grinned. "Yeah, that's right. Not only are Elves great looking and immortal, we also have impeccable memory capabilities."
"Oooh, Arwen's using biggish words today!" Pippin laughed.
"You're not immortal anymore." Aragorn murmured into her ear.
Arwen smiled at him softly.
"I know. And I don't care."
"Oooh! Aragorn's getting mushy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"And you Hobbits are getting immature!" Aragorn replied.
"Yeah right, Aragorn. You're just jealous cos you're so old."
"Yeah, right Pippin, you're just jealous. How long that cheeky head stays on your shoulders is completely in my power."
"Aah, but nice old Aragorn wouldn't decapitate a good friend, would he?"
"No, Pippin, I wouldn't." Aragorn admitted.
Gimli cleared his throat for about five minutes, and when he was done, everyone stared at him.
"Well, we're wasting time. Who is telling this time?"
Everyone looked at everyone.
Everyone else looked at everyone else.
And everyone looked at everyone again.
"Oh, yeah, it's my go." Eowyn snapped out of a daze.
Everone looked at everyone else and rolled their eyes.
"Hey, if you keep rolling your eyes at me, I won't tell my story! Okay, my story is called Beauty and the Yeast. But before I start, here's a little prologue. I presume you all know that other story, Beauty and the Beast?"
Everyone nodded.
"Well, this is set in the same town, but after the whole falling in love with the beast thing happened. BELLE AND BEASTY ARE GONE. Okay? Good. Here goes....."
Eowyn took a deep breath and began to tell her story.
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young girl called Carpentaritaritaria. She worked as a baker in the local town called Siddenneeey.
Every guy in town liked Carpentaritaritaria, but she didn't like any of them. All the local boys were either fat, smelly, or green.
One day, Carpentaritaritaria was kneading bread dough, and had to get some yeast. All the shops were closed, except the dodgy shop on the corner, called McDodgees. Carpentaritaritaria had no choice. She went into McDodgees and bought a dodgy looking packet of yeast. The use by date hadn't passed, so she supposed it was alright.
She went back to the bakery, and added the dodgy yeast to her mix. She moulded it and shaped it into a loaf shape. Her father, who was dead, had always told her to sprinkle five handfuls of flour ontop of a loaf to make it taste nicer. Carpentaritaritaria was very tired, so she grabbed the flour box, grabbed five handfuls of what was inside, and dropped it in one big clump ontop of the bread loaf.
The next morning, Carpentaritaritaria baked the loaf, and played a Lame- Toy, with the latest Pooper Mario game while she was waiting. (A/N: If you're wondering about the lack of customers, well, there was a Baker's Delight right next door, and every one went there. That's why she only bakes one loaf of bread at a time. On the rare occasion that someone buys a loaf of bread, she just goes and makes another one.) When the bread was ready, she took it out. Her working hours were from ten o clock to twelve o clock. So she waited for two hours, and then closed up shop.
The poor loaf was still sitting there uneaten, so Carpentaritaritaria cut off the end where she had sprinkled the flour, and ate that. She was full after the bread, and so she decided to go for a walk, and feed the ducks. She stopped for a coffee on the way back.
Carpentaritaritaria went to bed early that night, because she wanted to wake up early and bake TWO loaves of bread! She felt that maybe tomorrow would be a better day.
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
Carpentaritaritaria woke up the next day, and got out of bed. Or tried. She rolled off the bed, onto the floor. She couldn't get up. Then she realized. She was poofed up like a balloon.
"What's happened to me?" she thought hysterically, "Why am I a human balloon!?!?!?!"
She thought over the events of the previous day. Feeding the ducks, drinking coffee, buying yeast, making dough, sprinkling flour....sprinkling flour!
She realized that instead of reaching for the flour on her left, she had reached for the packet on her right! YEAST! She had swallowed five full handfuls of yeast!
"Right," she thought, "That's the LAST TIME I ever buy ANYTHING from McDodgees."
She got herself up from the floor with great difficulty, and lumbered out of her bedroom door. She'd have to face people sooner or later, it had better be sooner.
As soon as she stepped out side of the bakery, everyone stared at her. One kid rode past on a bicycle and screamed, "LOOK!!!!!!!IT"S THE BEAST!!!!!!!!!THE BEAST HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Stupid kid." muttered Carpentaritaritaria.
She waddled down the street, aware of everyone staring.
All of her former admirers looked at her in disgust and horror. Nobody recognised her.
Luckily, Carpentaritaritaria knew of a nice little hideout, inside of a great, gloomy castle, where she knew a horrific monster had once dwelled.
She lumbered along the darkening path, until she reached her destination. Carpentaritaritaria pushed open the creaky door, and stepped inside the castle.
"Phew, it's hot!" Carpentaritaritaria said to herself, "Actually, it's been extremely hot for about four days now! Absolutely sweltering."
Carpentaritaritaria found a nice comfy spot on the ground, as she was now too fat to fit into a chair.
"Ah, well," Carpentaritaritaria sighed, "I'll go to the village once a week to get money out of my account and buy food. I'll just hang out here."
Weeks went past, and Carpentaritaritaria continued to live in this pathetic way.
One day, there was a knock at the door. Carpentaritaritaria answered.
A skinny, handsome random guy brandished a shiny sword.
"Innocent villagers have told me of the foul beast which dwells inside this castle. I will kill you now and rid the villagers of their troubles!"
Carpentaritaritaria screamed as he took a swipe at her.
"No! You don't understand!"
The random handsome guy took another swipe.
"I'm just a girl! I ate some Mc Dodgees yeast, and I blew up!"
The random handsome guy stopped swiping for a moment, and looked at her, astonished.
"Even though you're an ugly beast, surely you know not to ever, ever buy ANYTHING from McDodgees???"
He took a jab at her stomach.
"NO!!! YOU STUPID, STUPID, RANDOM PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS OUT OF YEAST, AND MCDODGEES WAS THE ONLY STORE OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"You vulgar, weird beast! I will kill you!" The random guy began to chase her, with his arms and sword flailing.
Carpentaritaritaria gave a yell, and took off. Slowly. She couldn't run very fast because of her poofy tummy.
Luckily, the skinny guy was very unfit, and he could run about as fast as Carpentaritaritaria could.
"Evil creature! I will puncture your stomach, and watch you die! And then I'll return to the village and get the ten million dollar reward for killing you!"
Carpentaritaritaria screamed at him as she ran.
"YOU ARE AN IDIOT! I AM NOT A BEAST! MY NAME IS CARPENTARITARITARIA HA, AND I AM A RESIDENT OF THE VILLAGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK! I OWN A BAKERY!"
"You evil thing! Such respectable people would not employ a beast to work!"
"I'M TELLING YOU, YOU STUPID SKINNY RANDOM PERSON, I AM NOT A BEAST!"
And do on and so forth.
After about one and a half hours of running, they both made it to the top summit, which turned out to be three hundred metres from where the entrance door was, and it had a thirty centimetre incline.
But of course, the poofed up Carpentaritaritaria and the unfit skinny guy were completely exhausted by the time they got there.
"You feral beast! I will cut you from head to toe."
Carpentaritaritaria suddenly felt very cold. She noticed the random guy shivering too in the cold wind.
Carpentaritaritaria's teeth began to chatter. She felt strange, like she was being compressed. Slowly, she began to deflate.
"Of course! Yeast rises in heat, and goes down in the cold!" she laughed out loud.
The random guy stared as she twirled around, getting skinnier and skinnier.
When she was all deflated, she looked like the beautiful Carpentaritaritaria once again.
"Umm, sorry," the random guy began, "There seems to have been a mix up. But you're really quite pretty. Do you reckon you could marry me?"
"Gosh, you must be desperate. And you're so random!" Carpentaritaritaria took pity on him.
"You're good looking and all, but you're just too much of an idiot for my liking. How about I take you back to the village as my friend, and I will find you a nice, stupid, blonde bimbo, and you can get hitched with her instead."
"Okay! That sounds good! Thanks!"
And they walked out together on good terms.
"The end." Eowyn finished.
"Very nice." Merry said.
"Anyone want a rockmelon?" asked Sam.
"Sam! What did you think of my story???"
"Oh, it was good! I just like rockmelon."
Eowyn sighed.
Legolas came to her rescue. (A/N: sigh..... =)
"No, it was a very good story. I liked it."
Eowyn smiled at him gratefully.
"Thanks. I was a bit nervous, that's all."
"No, no, it was very good. I couldn't see that you were nervous at all." Legolas smiled back. (A/N: sigh..... =)
"Yeah. I reckon it'd be cool to puff up like that."
"No!" Arwen said, horrified, "You'd be fat!"
"I wouldn't care if you were fat." Aragorn said.
Arwen smiled up at him again.
"Err...Aragorn, what's with all the lovey dovey stuff today?" Faramir asked innocently.
"Honestly Faramir, you're worse than the young ones."
Faramir grinned. "I know."
Arwen groaned.
"Well, Aragorn, are we going home? I'm really slee-ee-py." Arwen tried to stifle a yawn.
"Well, what were you two doing last night to make you so tired?" Merry said in Faramir's innocent voice.
Arwen cuffed him around the head with one hand.
"Hey, what was that for?"
"For being a weirdo with a weird mind."
"Okay."
Since Arwen was glaring at Merry with a look that could cut through an iceberg the size of fifty seven thousand African elephants, Eowyn came to the rescue.
"Hey, we're going now too. We'll walk out with you."
"Great. Legolas, better get Gimli going."
"Alright. Gimli?" Legolas prodded Gimli's arm.
"He's fallen asleep!" Faramir whispered.
"I wondered why he was so quiet!" murmured Eowyn.
Legolas took a deep breath, and hollered
"GIMLI IF YOU DON'T GET UP NOW THE EVIL TREE WILL COME AND EAT YOUR SALTY PORK!"
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My salty pork!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gimli jerked awake.
Everyone stared.
"Whatever. Now, where can we go next time?" Legolas asked.
"Er, I guess you can come to our house." Faramir offered.
"YEAH!" Pippin and Merry and Sam punched the air. Faramir had a cool house with automatic everything, and arcade games.
"All for our house?" Eowyn asked.
Every hand shot up.
Eowyn grinned.
"Alright. See you all later."
Everyone bid their goodbye's, and departed in good spirits.
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Well, that was an extra, extra long chapter. Send me a review and tell me what you think!