Author's Notes: Thank you all for all your kind words. However, I want to
address something that came up in a few different reviews. I'm afraid that
there's an assumption that Jess will be returning to Stars Hollow. He
WILL, but it's going to be a long time coming. This story is turning into
something far longer than I ever imagined, and so much more has to happen
before I consider putting Jess back in Connecticut. I just want to make
that clear, because I'm afraid people are expecting it to happen soon.
That said, here's chapter four. It's a little shorter than the last chapter. I apologize for that, but I just hit a wall with this one. Paris makes an appearance here, and as much as I love her, I'm not sure I do her justice. You'll have to let me know how I did with her.
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.
**********
Chapter Four: I Don't Know How, I Don't Know When
Wednesday Evening
Rory rested her forehead wearily against the door to her dorm room as she tried to jam the key into the temperamental lock. She let out a muffled shriek as the door was unexpectedly torn open from the other side. Barely regaining her balance by clutching the door frame, Rory looked up into Paris' angry face.
"Where have you been?" the blonde growled.
"In the library," Rory sighed. "I left a note. What's the matter?"
"The phone, that's what the matter is. It's been ringing every half an hour since six o'clock. It's now after nine. That's seven times that I've been interrupted. Seven times that I've had to answer the phone when I could have been working on my politics paper."
The phone rang again, cutting Paris off in mid rant, and causing the girl to growl again.
"That'll be for you," she told Rory.
Sighing again, Rory lifted the phone and tucked it between her ear and shoulder. "Hello?"
"Rory? Is that you?"
She had been struggling out of her coat, but the voice on the other end of the phone surprised her, and Rory sat down hard on the edge of her bed. "Luke?"
"Yeah. Does that girl you live with have some kind of rage problem?" Luke asked. "She's nastier than your mother without coffee."
"That's just Paris; you've met a couple of times. You interrupted her studying." Rory clutched the phone tighter against her neck as she took off her shoes. "Not to sound ungrateful or anything, Luke, but why are you calling me?" A horrible thought suddenly occurred to Rory. "Did something happen to my mom?"
Luke spoke quickly to keep Rory from panicking. "No. No, Lorelai's fine. She was in here a couple of hours ago clogging her arteries some more, but she's fine."
Rory took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Oh, good."
"I wanted something else." Luke paused and tried to figure out what to say. "Ah . . . Jess called me a few days ago."
"He did?" Rory hoped she sounded neutral but was sure she didn't. "Why would he do that?"
Luke's breath rattled loudly over the phone. "He was worried about you."
"Oh? Why would he suddenly worry about me now?" Her voice sounded unnaturally high in her own ears.
"Rory, I know you called him on Sunday. He said you flipped out over the phone."
"Is that what he said?" She knew she was being evasive by only answering with questions, but Rory hoped Luke wouldn't notice. She should have known better. After all, he used to live with the king of evasive.
"If you don't want to talk to me about this, that's fine. But listen, Rory, you need to talk to Jess again. You need to hear him apologize as much as he needs to do it."
Rory glanced over at Paris. The other girl was bent over her desk, scribbling notes furiously and not paying attention to Rory. Rory turned further toward the wall and dropped her voice anyway.
"Luke, I don't know what to do. Hearing his voice again . . . it's hard. It makes me remember things, and I don't want to remember them. I don't want to remember how much I cared about him, how much I . . . "
"You don't have to say," Luke said quickly. He had a good idea of what Rory was going to say next, and he was embarrassed enough.
Rory leaned against the wall and shivered. "What do I do, Luke? I just want to forget him, and I can't."
"Why do you two think I'm capable of telling you how to fix this?" Luke muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Never mind. Look, I told Jess that I'd talk to you, so that's what I'm doing."
Rory felt the tears start and couldn't stop them. "What does he want from me, Luke? Why now?"
"I only know what he tells me, and that's not much. I think he just wants you to listen to him, to know that he's trying to change, and he's sorry. He's hoping that someday you can forgive him."
"So he can move on and feel better about himself, I'm sure."
"No, I don't think so. I think he's more concerned about you right now."
Rory sniffled, "I just don't know, Luke."
"Okay. I'm just doing what I told Jess I would do." Luke cleared his throat quietly. "I'll let you go now, Rory. Just . . . just take care of yourself okay?"
"Okay, Luke. I'll see you soon."
"Sure. Bye, Rory."
"Bye, Luke." Rory scrubbed at her eyes and listened to the dial tone for a moment, trying to calm down. Turning, she hung up the phone and flopped onto her back and stared at the wall. She lay like that for a long time, eyes unfocused and mind empty. A while later, she wasn't sure how long, Rory sat up again.
"Paris," she asked uneasily, "can I talk to you for a minute?"
The blonde tossed her pen down and turned to face her roommate. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been moping around all week, and now that flannel clad diner man is calling you, something that's never happened before." Paris leaned forward. "I know I can be a little stiff, but you've helped me with Jamie, so I kind of owe you one."
Rory took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Do you remember Jess?"
"Sure."
"He wrote me a letter. I got it over Thanksgiving break."
"Oh," Paris said quietly. Rory had told her little bits of what had happened with Jess. "That must have been strange."
Rory nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and then I called him."
"What for?" Paris' eyes widened in surprise. "Why would you call him after what he did?"
"He said he'd loved me," Rory admitted.
"And you fell for that?"
"Paris, just listen, okay?" Rory drew her knees up on the bed and rested her chin on them. "He said he was sorry for what he did, and I just . . . I heard his voice again, and it was so hard not to be mad at him."
"Try harder," Paris said shortly. "Don't take anymore of his crap, Rory. Sometimes you're too nice for your own good."
Rory grumbled in frustration. "I don't know what to do here, Paris. I need you to listen, not jump down my throat."
"Fine, fine. Go ahead. I'll keep my opinions to myself until you're finished."
"Good." Rory took a deep breath and tried to compose her thoughts. "Okay, so, Jess apologized in the note he sent and when I talked to him. And Luke seems to think that I need to hear Jess out, but when I hear his voice it's like I turn into one of those marshmallow bunnies they sell at Easter. All soft and gooey and capable of being flattened by sticky fingers."
"I don't know what you're talking about, what with my being Jewish and having a low tolerance for refined sugar, but I'm assuming Jess is the one with the messy hands?"
"Covered in sugar and bunny guts. Wow, that sounds yuckier out loud than it did in my head." Rory shook her head, "Anyway, he still makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid that if I let him apologize I'll take him back."
"So don't," Paris said firmly.
"Don't what?" Rory asked, confused. "Talk to him or take him back?"
"Either. He's the one that's at fault here, Rory. If he wants to talk, make him come to you. That way you can control the situation. He calls, you don't want to talk, you hang up. Or give me the phone. I can think of plenty to say to him."
Rory couldn't begin to think of the things that Paris would say to Jess. "That's okay. You don't have to do that for me. I just wish there were some way to prepare for talking to him, but I don't know what he's going to say. I could figure out the old Jess. He was always sarcastic and never told the total truth, but now he's different. He's being more honest and actually telling me things."
"You have to be firm. A strong front. No matter what he says, you have to remember that you're angry with him and not cave just because he says something nice."
Rory nodded slightly, "I guess. I don't know. This was so much easier when I ignored it and pretended that everything was fine."
Paris snorted, "Sure, perfectly fine, until it all exploded and you had a meltdown to rival my own."
Rory managed a small smile. "I doubt I could have matched that. I mean, where would I find a camera crew and a nationally broadcast feed to freak out in front of?"
"Very funny, Gilmore. Just remember that you don't have to talk to Jess if you don't want to. He'll get the point eventually."
Rory made a noncommittal noise in her throat and reached for her history text. She flopped on the bed pretending to read, but she was really wondering if it was wise to take relationship advice from Paris of all people. It probably wasn't, but it wasn't like she had a lot of other people to go to who were familiar with the story. Her mother seemed to think it was best to deny that Jess was ever in Stars Hollow. Lane wasn't likely to be any help with her limited relationship experience. Not to mention the fact that Lane had never been all that crazy about Jess in the first place. Rory also didn't want to have to drag through the her history with Jess, from his arrival in her life to his many exits, with any of the new friends she'd made at school. No, it seemed like Paris was the best she was going to get. That realization scared her almost as much as having to talk to Jess.
**********
Authors Notes the Second: And, after all that talk of Jess in my first note, he's not even in this chapter. I'm not completely happy with how this chapter came out, but I'm just looking to expand Rory's inner turmoil here. The next chapter's coming together better, I think, and will probably contain the Luke/Jimmy conversation I mentioned before as well as some background on Luke and Rory's friendship. Thanks again for reading!
That said, here's chapter four. It's a little shorter than the last chapter. I apologize for that, but I just hit a wall with this one. Paris makes an appearance here, and as much as I love her, I'm not sure I do her justice. You'll have to let me know how I did with her.
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.
**********
Chapter Four: I Don't Know How, I Don't Know When
Wednesday Evening
Rory rested her forehead wearily against the door to her dorm room as she tried to jam the key into the temperamental lock. She let out a muffled shriek as the door was unexpectedly torn open from the other side. Barely regaining her balance by clutching the door frame, Rory looked up into Paris' angry face.
"Where have you been?" the blonde growled.
"In the library," Rory sighed. "I left a note. What's the matter?"
"The phone, that's what the matter is. It's been ringing every half an hour since six o'clock. It's now after nine. That's seven times that I've been interrupted. Seven times that I've had to answer the phone when I could have been working on my politics paper."
The phone rang again, cutting Paris off in mid rant, and causing the girl to growl again.
"That'll be for you," she told Rory.
Sighing again, Rory lifted the phone and tucked it between her ear and shoulder. "Hello?"
"Rory? Is that you?"
She had been struggling out of her coat, but the voice on the other end of the phone surprised her, and Rory sat down hard on the edge of her bed. "Luke?"
"Yeah. Does that girl you live with have some kind of rage problem?" Luke asked. "She's nastier than your mother without coffee."
"That's just Paris; you've met a couple of times. You interrupted her studying." Rory clutched the phone tighter against her neck as she took off her shoes. "Not to sound ungrateful or anything, Luke, but why are you calling me?" A horrible thought suddenly occurred to Rory. "Did something happen to my mom?"
Luke spoke quickly to keep Rory from panicking. "No. No, Lorelai's fine. She was in here a couple of hours ago clogging her arteries some more, but she's fine."
Rory took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Oh, good."
"I wanted something else." Luke paused and tried to figure out what to say. "Ah . . . Jess called me a few days ago."
"He did?" Rory hoped she sounded neutral but was sure she didn't. "Why would he do that?"
Luke's breath rattled loudly over the phone. "He was worried about you."
"Oh? Why would he suddenly worry about me now?" Her voice sounded unnaturally high in her own ears.
"Rory, I know you called him on Sunday. He said you flipped out over the phone."
"Is that what he said?" She knew she was being evasive by only answering with questions, but Rory hoped Luke wouldn't notice. She should have known better. After all, he used to live with the king of evasive.
"If you don't want to talk to me about this, that's fine. But listen, Rory, you need to talk to Jess again. You need to hear him apologize as much as he needs to do it."
Rory glanced over at Paris. The other girl was bent over her desk, scribbling notes furiously and not paying attention to Rory. Rory turned further toward the wall and dropped her voice anyway.
"Luke, I don't know what to do. Hearing his voice again . . . it's hard. It makes me remember things, and I don't want to remember them. I don't want to remember how much I cared about him, how much I . . . "
"You don't have to say," Luke said quickly. He had a good idea of what Rory was going to say next, and he was embarrassed enough.
Rory leaned against the wall and shivered. "What do I do, Luke? I just want to forget him, and I can't."
"Why do you two think I'm capable of telling you how to fix this?" Luke muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Never mind. Look, I told Jess that I'd talk to you, so that's what I'm doing."
Rory felt the tears start and couldn't stop them. "What does he want from me, Luke? Why now?"
"I only know what he tells me, and that's not much. I think he just wants you to listen to him, to know that he's trying to change, and he's sorry. He's hoping that someday you can forgive him."
"So he can move on and feel better about himself, I'm sure."
"No, I don't think so. I think he's more concerned about you right now."
Rory sniffled, "I just don't know, Luke."
"Okay. I'm just doing what I told Jess I would do." Luke cleared his throat quietly. "I'll let you go now, Rory. Just . . . just take care of yourself okay?"
"Okay, Luke. I'll see you soon."
"Sure. Bye, Rory."
"Bye, Luke." Rory scrubbed at her eyes and listened to the dial tone for a moment, trying to calm down. Turning, she hung up the phone and flopped onto her back and stared at the wall. She lay like that for a long time, eyes unfocused and mind empty. A while later, she wasn't sure how long, Rory sat up again.
"Paris," she asked uneasily, "can I talk to you for a minute?"
The blonde tossed her pen down and turned to face her roommate. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been moping around all week, and now that flannel clad diner man is calling you, something that's never happened before." Paris leaned forward. "I know I can be a little stiff, but you've helped me with Jamie, so I kind of owe you one."
Rory took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Do you remember Jess?"
"Sure."
"He wrote me a letter. I got it over Thanksgiving break."
"Oh," Paris said quietly. Rory had told her little bits of what had happened with Jess. "That must have been strange."
Rory nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and then I called him."
"What for?" Paris' eyes widened in surprise. "Why would you call him after what he did?"
"He said he'd loved me," Rory admitted.
"And you fell for that?"
"Paris, just listen, okay?" Rory drew her knees up on the bed and rested her chin on them. "He said he was sorry for what he did, and I just . . . I heard his voice again, and it was so hard not to be mad at him."
"Try harder," Paris said shortly. "Don't take anymore of his crap, Rory. Sometimes you're too nice for your own good."
Rory grumbled in frustration. "I don't know what to do here, Paris. I need you to listen, not jump down my throat."
"Fine, fine. Go ahead. I'll keep my opinions to myself until you're finished."
"Good." Rory took a deep breath and tried to compose her thoughts. "Okay, so, Jess apologized in the note he sent and when I talked to him. And Luke seems to think that I need to hear Jess out, but when I hear his voice it's like I turn into one of those marshmallow bunnies they sell at Easter. All soft and gooey and capable of being flattened by sticky fingers."
"I don't know what you're talking about, what with my being Jewish and having a low tolerance for refined sugar, but I'm assuming Jess is the one with the messy hands?"
"Covered in sugar and bunny guts. Wow, that sounds yuckier out loud than it did in my head." Rory shook her head, "Anyway, he still makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid that if I let him apologize I'll take him back."
"So don't," Paris said firmly.
"Don't what?" Rory asked, confused. "Talk to him or take him back?"
"Either. He's the one that's at fault here, Rory. If he wants to talk, make him come to you. That way you can control the situation. He calls, you don't want to talk, you hang up. Or give me the phone. I can think of plenty to say to him."
Rory couldn't begin to think of the things that Paris would say to Jess. "That's okay. You don't have to do that for me. I just wish there were some way to prepare for talking to him, but I don't know what he's going to say. I could figure out the old Jess. He was always sarcastic and never told the total truth, but now he's different. He's being more honest and actually telling me things."
"You have to be firm. A strong front. No matter what he says, you have to remember that you're angry with him and not cave just because he says something nice."
Rory nodded slightly, "I guess. I don't know. This was so much easier when I ignored it and pretended that everything was fine."
Paris snorted, "Sure, perfectly fine, until it all exploded and you had a meltdown to rival my own."
Rory managed a small smile. "I doubt I could have matched that. I mean, where would I find a camera crew and a nationally broadcast feed to freak out in front of?"
"Very funny, Gilmore. Just remember that you don't have to talk to Jess if you don't want to. He'll get the point eventually."
Rory made a noncommittal noise in her throat and reached for her history text. She flopped on the bed pretending to read, but she was really wondering if it was wise to take relationship advice from Paris of all people. It probably wasn't, but it wasn't like she had a lot of other people to go to who were familiar with the story. Her mother seemed to think it was best to deny that Jess was ever in Stars Hollow. Lane wasn't likely to be any help with her limited relationship experience. Not to mention the fact that Lane had never been all that crazy about Jess in the first place. Rory also didn't want to have to drag through the her history with Jess, from his arrival in her life to his many exits, with any of the new friends she'd made at school. No, it seemed like Paris was the best she was going to get. That realization scared her almost as much as having to talk to Jess.
**********
Authors Notes the Second: And, after all that talk of Jess in my first note, he's not even in this chapter. I'm not completely happy with how this chapter came out, but I'm just looking to expand Rory's inner turmoil here. The next chapter's coming together better, I think, and will probably contain the Luke/Jimmy conversation I mentioned before as well as some background on Luke and Rory's friendship. Thanks again for reading!