Author's Notes: Here's Chapter Seven! It's pretty dialogue heavy (phone
calls usually are) but I really tried to keep it clear who was speaking
when. I'm pretty proud of this chapter, but I'm also concerned that Rory's
drifting off character a lot. She's the hardest for me to write, so please
tell me if she's getting too far from who she really is. Other than that,
Jess gets a bit colorful in language and subject matter, so I apologize if
anyone gets offended, but it had to be said to get where I need to go.
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.
**********
Chapter Seven: Maybe Someday Our Paths Will Cross
January 2004
Jess sat in the office chair, idly rotating from side to side. The chair was developing a slight squeak. He'd have to remember to fix it later. He had something else to do right now. The cordless phone lay in his lap, and he rubbed his thumb along the edge of it, occasionally skimming the numbers he needed to dial without turning the phone on and depressing those numbers. He'd just about mustered up the courage to actually dial the phone when Sasha appeared in the doorway and distracted him.
"What are you doing?" she asked curiously.
"There'll be some calls to Connecticut on the next phone bill. Tell me what they come to, and I'll pay 'em," Jess replied instead of answering her question.
"There have already been a few," Sasha told him. "Jimmy took care of them."
Jess looked up at her in surprise. "Why'd he do that?"
She shrugged. "You'd have to ask him. You been calling your uncle?"
"Yeah."
Sasha nodded, "That's good. Who else you calling?"
Jess raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"There were two different numbers on the bill. I remember Luke from when he visited. He didn't strike me as the kind of guy who had two phones."
"He's not," Jess agreed. "I've been calling someone else. A friend. Or former friend, maybe. I'm not sure what we are."
"You said she was your girlfriend," Lily piped up, looking around her mother's side.
"Lily," Jess growled in frustration.
"Girlfriend?" Sasha asked quizzically.
Jess shrugged a shoulder. "She was. I bailed. She kinda hates me. I'm trying to apologize."
"Ah. Well, we'll leave you to it then. Come on, Lil. Let's go defrost those Christmas cookies I hid in the back of the freezer." Sasha herded Lily away and shut the office door behind them, winking at Jess before it shut completely.
Jess sighed and shook his head. He liked Sasha, he really did, but sometimes he missed his mother's detachment. Looking back down at the phone, he picked it up and hefted its slight weight in his hand for a moment. He decided he was being childish and stopped procrastinating. He dialed the familiar numbers and waited. It wasn't until the third ring that he realized that he didn't know what he'd do if Lorelai answered the phone. It turned out not to matter.
"Hello?" Rory sounded chipper and bright. Jess hoped he wasn't about to ruin that mood, but his gut instinct told him otherwise.
"Hey," he said gently. "It's me."
"Jess? What are you doing?" Rory hissed. "I said I'd call you."
"I know. I gave you ten days, and then I figured that was enough of a chance for you to get in touch with me."
"I was going to call," Rory insisted indignantly.
"You were not. Don't lie to me, Rory," Jess told her, keeping his tone as even as he could.
"That doesn't carry a lot of weight coming from you, Jess," she snapped.
"I never said it did." He paused for a moment and continued, "So, how are you?"
"You want to know how I am?" Rory asked. "I'm confused as all hell, Jess, that's how I am. I have no idea what you expect of me."
"I don't really expect anything of you," Jess told her. "I'd just like you to listen to me."
"To listen to you?" Rory asked incredulously. "And then what am I supposed to do, Jess? You run away, call me a couple of times but say nothing, then write me out of nowhere, tell me you loved me, and I'm just supposed to listen to you apologize some more and then forgive everything you did to me?"
Jess sighed in frustration. "Rory, it's complicated."
"Then start at the beginning, Jess."
"Which beginning?" he asked. "The one where I tried to get you to crawl out your bedroom window with me two seconds after meeting you, the one where I bought some ridiculous picnic basket just to piss off your boyfriend and ended up having one of the best afternoons of my life, or the one where you kissed me and ran off? Though there were two of those, weren't there. We've got a lot of beginnings, Rory. You'll have to be more specific."
Jess knew that Rory couldn't disagree with him. They did have a lot of beginnings together, but she didn't have any trouble narrowing it down to the one she wanted explained.
"The beginning of the end, then," she said quickly. "Kyle's party. You tried to put your hand down my pants, and when I told you that I wasn't going to have sex with you there, you got angry with me and told me to get out!"
"Damn it, Rory! That wasn't even about you!" Jess couldn't believe that she thought he'd been upset over that.
"What was it about then?"
"I'd just found out that I flunked out of high school!" he snapped. "Everything I thought I'd had planned fell to shit that week, Rory. I was frustrated and angry. And I didn't want you to know."
"Why not?" she demanded.
"I didn't want you to know I was a failure, that I couldn't even handle something as stupid as high school. So I defaulted." Jess sighed again and pushed a hand through his hair. "When I don't know how to deal with things I run or go for the distraction, move things to something I know I can do."
"So you wanted to have sex with me so you wouldn't have to tell me you flunked out?" Rory sounded incredibly offended, and, if that's what she believed, she had every right to be offended.
"No!" Jess cried and then cringed at the volume of his voice, lowering it before continuing. "No, I wanted to make love to you because that was the one thing I knew I could do to show you that I cared about you. I knew I could make that good for you and not leave you disappointed or have you pity me when it was over."
"I'm confused," Rory told him, and he could almost see her furrowing her brow and biting her lower lip.
"Aren't we all?" Jess snorted. "Listen, Rory, and try to understand. I was losing everything I'd made connections with. I lost my car and the Wal- Mart job because of it, when Luke found out I'd flunked he was going to kick me out, and you were going off to Yale. Everything I cared about was gone or going to be; I just wanted to make a connection. To have something to hold on to, even if it was just for a little while. Something I could control and know that it wouldn't backfire."
"So wanting to have sex was about wanting to control me?" Her confusion was becoming infused with anger again.
"No. You're twisting my meaning, Rory. It was about wanting to control me," Jess said simply.
Rory blew out a shaky breath. "I'm still confused."
"Oh, jeez," he groaned. "You're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Fine. Here it is, but don't say I didn't warn you." Jess stood and started pacing the room, trying to think of some way to soften what he was going to say.
When he couldn't come up with anything gentler than the truth, he dove in. "I'm good at sex, Rory. I can't keep a job, I'm terrible with authority, and I'm a lousy boyfriend, but I've been told more than once that when it comes to sex I know what I'm doing. I just wanted to prove to you, and myself, that I don't screw up everything."
Jess paused, took a harsh breath, and broke into bitter laughter. "God, you know Luke once asked me if I was a gigolo? I was pissed at the time, but maybe that's all I'm good for."
"Jess," Rory said softly, "Jess, you . . ."
He cut her off abruptly, "Don't. Don't pity me. I left so I wouldn't have to see the pity in your eyes when you looked at me, and I don't want to hear it over the phone."
"I wasn't going to. I was going to say that you weren't a lousy boyfriend. Not completely."
"Yeah? How do you figure that?"
Rory sighed, and Jess could almost hear her wistful smile. "Sleigh ride, big box of food, ice cream in cones, Washington Square Park, gas pump, Frank at the Sands, Gilmore Friday night dinner, Distillers tickets, 22.8 miles."
"Oh." It wasn't even half of the response he wanted to give, but it was all Jess could choke out around the lump in his throat.
"Yeah, oh," Rory echoed.
Jess didn't know what to say now. He stopped pacing and leaned against the door until his knees didn't want to hold him up anymore, and then he slid down the door to sit on the floor. An eternity seemed to pass, him sitting on the floor listening to Rory's quiet breathing over the phone, until Jess found his voice again.
"I can't believe you included dinner with your grandmother. I blew up at you and took off."
Rory sighed and gave a soft hum of agreement. "But you agreed to come in the first place."
"I lied about the black eye," Jess admitted.
"I know. Luke told me you got beaked by a swan."
Jess groaned and banged his head against the door. "Of course he did, and I bet he had a good laugh doing it."
"Pretty much." Stifled laughter was more than evident in Rory's voice.
"Okay," Jess sighed, "so I did a handful of nice things. Most of them were wrapped in crappy things I did."
"I'm not denying that," Rory said, laughter fading from her voice. "But that doesn't make you a terrible boyfriend."
"Yes, Rory, it does," Jess snapped.
"No, Jess, it doesn't. Almost every 'crappy' thing you did was done in trying to protect me or surprise me."
"I should have just been honest with you."
"Yes, you should have. But you know that now, so call it a learning experience."
Jess was incredibly surprised that Rory wasn't screaming at him or crying hysterically. Instead she was having a relatively even conversation with him. "You're being very calm about this. The last time we talked, hell, when we started talking twenty minutes ago, you flipped out."
Rory cleared her throat softly and stammered a moment before saying, "I know, but I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. You, and Luke, were right that we needed to talk like this. Dodging you wasn't exactly the right way for me to handle this."
Jess blew out a heavy breath. "I don't know. It's worked for me before."
"And look where it got us."
There was no room for Jess to argue with that. "I'm sorry I made you cry," he said, his voice rough with emotion. He hoped Rory knew that he meant that he was sorry for every time he made her cry, not just the phone calls.
Rory swallowed audibly and when she spoke her voice broke. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me."
Silence reigned again. Jess sat fiddling with the hem of his shirt, chest aching as he listened to Rory trying to hide the fact that he'd made her cry again.
"Rory, I'm sorry. Please don't," Jess whispered.
"No, it's okay," she said quickly. "It's not . . . I'm . . . can you hang on for a minute?"
"Yeah, go," he told her. "I'll be here."
Jess could hear Rory moving around; she must have been carrying the cordless phone with her. There was a clunk as she set the phone down, and Jess thought he heard her blowing her nose. More movement followed and then she was back on the line.
"I'm sorry," Rory apologized. "I'm okay."
"You sure?" Jess felt like he'd pushed her to talk to him today, and he didn't want to make Rory feel like she had to keep talking to him if she'd been pushed to her limit.
"I'm fine, really," Rory assured him.
Jess didn't completely believe Rory, but he also didn't want to argue with her anymore. "So where are we at now?" he asked.
"I'm not sure. Have you really learned a lesson in being honest with me?" Rory wanted to know.
Jess smiled wryly even though she couldn't see him. "I've learned a lesson about being honest in general."
"Can I ask you some things then? And get truthful answers?"
"Let's find out."
Rory started simply. "Are you mad at me for not calling you back?"
"No" Jess told her. "I probably wouldn't've called me back either."
She moved on to a more difficult question. "Are you happy in California with your father?"
Jess thought for a bit before answering. "I wouldn't say happy," he admitted. "I'm less angry but still plenty confused and frustrated. Happy hasn't entered the picture yet, but maybe eventually I'll get there."
"Do you miss Stars Hollow at all?" Rory asked next.
This answer he didn't have to think about. "Parts of it. The bridge, the diner. Luke. You."
"Did you really love me?" She was hesitant in asking this question, almost like she was afraid of the answer.
Jess shared in her hesitation before answering, "Yes."
Rory drew a sharp breath and then asked the question Jess hoped she wouldn't have the nerve to get out. "Do you still love me?"
He went completely still; it felt like even his heart stopped beating. Dimly, he heard Rory's voice in his ear again..
"Jess?" she asked cautiously.
"Yeah," he gasped. "Yeah, I do."
It was Rory's turn to become silent. "Me, too," she finally managed to say.
"Which brings us back to the original question," Jess said grimly. "Where are we now?"
"Well," Rory deadpanned, "you're in Venice, and I'm in New Haven."
"I thought I was the literalist," Jess replied just as flatly. He listened to Rory fight the giggle that rose in her throat and then laughed along with her when she finally let it go.
Rory sobered first. "Seriously, Jess, we're an entire continent apart, and now matter how I feel about you, I'm still hurt."
"I know." Jess stopped himself from apologizing again. Rory might start to think he didn't really mean it if he said it too many times. "So . . . friends, then?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound too eager to be even a small part of her life again.
Rory considered his suggestion in what Jess felt was the longest silence of the night. "I think that might work," she finally decided. "We could call each other, trade off weeks."
Jess was secretly thrilled that she'd suggested that, especially in light of her recent phone-phobia, but he felt like he needed to offer Rory an option that gave her a bit more distance from him. "We're both good with a pen; we can write each other, too."
"Yeah," Rory agreed. "People underestimate the power of a good letter these days."
"That they do. Plus, it's cheaper."
"You could call me collect, Jess," Rory told him. "It's not a big deal."
"I meant for you, Rory. I've got two jobs out here, and you don't have any money coming in that I know of, do you?" Jess realized that there was probably a lot he didn't know about her now. For all he knew she was working more than he was.
"Well, no, I don't have a job, but my grandparents are paying my expenses while I'm in school," Rory said like it was the most normal thing in the world to have grandparents that paid for everything.
Jess was surprised that Rory didn't see the hole in her own logic. "Even if it's long distance calls to me?" he asked.
"Oh . . . well, probably not," Rory said sheepishly.
"Didn't think so," Jess chuckled.
"Where are you working?" Rory asked suddenly. Then she paused and seemed to reconsider. "Is it okay to ask that?" she wondered.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Jess asked back. "I'm working mostly at this little used book store, but sometimes I help out at Jimmy's place down on the beach."
"What does Jimmy do?" Rory sounded surprised that he was working with his father.
Jess almost didn't want to tell her after all of the crap he used to say about working in the diner. "Hot dogs," he mumbled.
"What?"
"He owns a hot dog stand near the beach," Jess sighed.
Rory started giggling almost immediately. "Do you have to wear a little paper hat?" she wanted to know.
"No," Jess growled.
She kept laughing. "Are you sure you don't wear one?"
"Yes, I'm sure I don't wear a little paper hat. Stop picturing me in one," he demanded.
Rory tried to calm herself down. "I'm not," she said innocently.
"Don't lie to me, Gilmore. I can hear you grinning." Jess wasn't about to tell her it was a sound he really missed.
"But it's such a cute picture," Rory whined and started laughing again.
Jess started laughing along with her but still told her, "Stop it."
Rory's laughter sputtered to a stop. "Killjoy."
"That's me," Jess admitted proudly. "Look, Rory, I should probably go. Even if I am paying for the call, Sasha's gonna overreact when she gets this phone bill."
"Is she tough on you? I don't really know anything about her other than that she's your father's girlfriend." She seemed genuinely interested in learning about the people in his life now, and Jess felt a warmth spread down his spine at the definite proof that Rory still cared about what happened to him.
"She's a tough as she needs to be I guess," Jess told Rory. "I mean, she let me stay for a month, no questions asked. Though after that, she started making me pay rent. Which I guess I understand. She's a good mom, and she keeps an eye on Jimmy. You know, your mom would probably really like her."
"Really?" Rory sounded surprised that Jess was getting along with someone like Lorelai.
Jess was surprised at that fact, too. "Yeah. Anyway, I've got to go."
"Okay. Next time I'll call you," Rory promised. "Is next Thursday okay? Around nine?"
"Nine your time, or nine my time?"
"Oh, um, mine. Is that all right?" Rory seemed very eager to make sure that he was okay with everything, and Jess thought it was a strange reversal from their attitudes when they had started talking.
"Yeah," he said quickly. "It'll be around six here, and Thursdays I watch Lily for Sasha. She teaches some kind of yoga-meditation-spiritual philosophy thing in the neighborhood then."
Rory couldn't cover the surprised noise that bubbled from her throat when Jess revealed that he willing spent time with Lily. "You'll have to tell me more about Sasha sometime. She sounds interesting."
"She is. So, I'll talk to you next week." Jess made it a statement and not a question, trying to keep Rory from suddenly changing her mind in another of the mood swings she seemed to have concerning him.
"Next week," Rory affirmed. "Um, well.good night, Jess."
He grinned over the fact that she didn't say 'good bye.' "Good night, Rory."
Jess waited until he heard her hang up before doing the same. Standing, he brushed himself off and reached behind himself to open the door. When he turned around to leave, Jess almost walked straight into Jimmy.
"Jeez," Jess grumbled. "You need a bell or something."
Jimmy shrugged, "Sorry. I need the phone."
Jess held it out, but pulled it away at the last second. "Do something for me first," he told Jimmy.
"What?" Jimmy asked as he tried to grab for the phone, frustration etched on his face. "I don't have time for this Jess, I need the phone."
"Then don't pay my bills for me anymore," Jess bit out.
Jimmy regarded the younger man with wide eyes, momentarily taken aback at Jess' anger. "I just wanted to do something for you. I missed out on all of your birthdays and Christmases. I thought it would be a nice gesture."
Jess rolled his eyes. "Then buy me a pony or something. Stay out of this. I know you want to know about her," Jess said, careful to avoid revealing Rory's name, "but if you think paying for a few calls to her is going to make that happen, you're very wrong." Jess thrust the phone into Jimmy's chest and stalked out of the room.
Sasha's head appeared from the kitchen. "Well," she drawled at Jimmy, "apparently along with your love for The Clash, he's also got your temper."
Jimmy scowled at her and then frowned down at the phone. For a brief moment he wondered if it would be out of line for him to call Luke for help, too.
**********
At the same time Jess was verbally grappling with his father, Rory entered the second round of her argument with her mother.
Rory came out of her bedroom to return the phone to its charger for once and found her mother sitting rigidly at the kitchen table. There was a scowl on Lorelai's face that Rory thought made her look an awful lot like Emily.
"You were talking to Jess," Lorelai said stonily.
"Yes, I was," Rory agreed. She didn't see any reason to hide it.
Lorelai stood and followed Rory into the living room. "You want to know how I knew that?" she asked.
"Latent psychic powers?" Rory asked under her breath.
"I knew because you skittered off into your room almost immediately after you answered the phone and then twenty minutes later you started crying. What did he do now?" Lorelai wanted to know.
Rory sighed and turned to face her mother. "He didn't do anything, Mom. We both said what we needed to say, got a lot of questions answered, and we've reached an understanding," Rory said diplomatically.
Lorelai went white. "You're taking him back," she hissed.
"I am not!" Rory cried. "We're just going to talk more. I'm sorry you don't like that, Mom, but I'm largely out on my own now, and I'm going to do things you don't like. You have to get over it." Rory grabbed her coat, pulled it on, and left her mother sputtering in the entryway.
She walked the familiar route to the diner and smiled when it proved to be mostly empty. A couple she didn't recognize sat in a far corner; Rory assumed they were tourists just passing through town. The dinging of the newly replaced bell over the door brought Luke out of the kitchen. He smiled at her, but then narrowed his eyes and looked past her out the windows searching for something.
"Mom's not coming," Rory told Luke as she took a seat at the counter. "You don't have to worry about pretending you're not mad at each other."
Luke shoulders visibly relaxed, and he poured Rory a cup of coffee. "Been a while since you've come in by yourself," he said.
"Yeah, but I couldn't stay at home right now," Rory replied.
"Why not?"
"I just talked to Jess, and Mom's pretty upset."
"So, you finally talked to him?" Luke asked. "That's good. How is he?" It had been a while since he'd talked to Jess himself.
"He sounded okay," Rory said. "We both got a lot of things settled," she revealed.
Luke nodded slowly. "Good."
"I'm gonna call him next week. We're going to see if we can be friends again." Rory watched Luke carefully, gauging his reaction to her news.
On his part, Luke kept his surprise and happiness well hidden. "You two were pretty good friends," was all he said, but he was watching Rory just as carefully as she was watching him. She was smiling, but her eyes betrayed her nervousness at letting Jess close again. She was still fragile after Jess' first betrayal, and another one might make her collapse. Luke and Rory were both very aware of that possibility hanging in the air, but, as was their custom, neither one of them mentioned it.
"You want pancakes?" Luke eventually asked, knowing they were one of Rory's preferred comfort foods.
Rory's small smile broke into a relived grin. "Yes, please."
"Okay. I'll be back in a couple of minutes," Luke told her. He put the coffee pot away, but before he went into the kitchen he reached out and squeezed Rory's hand, letting her know that, just like after Jess first left, he'd be there if she needed him.
**********
Author's Notes the Second: I hope that was up to everyone's expectations. In the next chapter, I'll be jumping ahead a few months, because if I don't I'll be writing this forever. But other than knowing I'll be skipping forward a bit, I'm not sure on what's going to happen in the next chapter, so suggestions are welcome. Thanks again to everyone for reading!
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.
**********
Chapter Seven: Maybe Someday Our Paths Will Cross
January 2004
Jess sat in the office chair, idly rotating from side to side. The chair was developing a slight squeak. He'd have to remember to fix it later. He had something else to do right now. The cordless phone lay in his lap, and he rubbed his thumb along the edge of it, occasionally skimming the numbers he needed to dial without turning the phone on and depressing those numbers. He'd just about mustered up the courage to actually dial the phone when Sasha appeared in the doorway and distracted him.
"What are you doing?" she asked curiously.
"There'll be some calls to Connecticut on the next phone bill. Tell me what they come to, and I'll pay 'em," Jess replied instead of answering her question.
"There have already been a few," Sasha told him. "Jimmy took care of them."
Jess looked up at her in surprise. "Why'd he do that?"
She shrugged. "You'd have to ask him. You been calling your uncle?"
"Yeah."
Sasha nodded, "That's good. Who else you calling?"
Jess raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"There were two different numbers on the bill. I remember Luke from when he visited. He didn't strike me as the kind of guy who had two phones."
"He's not," Jess agreed. "I've been calling someone else. A friend. Or former friend, maybe. I'm not sure what we are."
"You said she was your girlfriend," Lily piped up, looking around her mother's side.
"Lily," Jess growled in frustration.
"Girlfriend?" Sasha asked quizzically.
Jess shrugged a shoulder. "She was. I bailed. She kinda hates me. I'm trying to apologize."
"Ah. Well, we'll leave you to it then. Come on, Lil. Let's go defrost those Christmas cookies I hid in the back of the freezer." Sasha herded Lily away and shut the office door behind them, winking at Jess before it shut completely.
Jess sighed and shook his head. He liked Sasha, he really did, but sometimes he missed his mother's detachment. Looking back down at the phone, he picked it up and hefted its slight weight in his hand for a moment. He decided he was being childish and stopped procrastinating. He dialed the familiar numbers and waited. It wasn't until the third ring that he realized that he didn't know what he'd do if Lorelai answered the phone. It turned out not to matter.
"Hello?" Rory sounded chipper and bright. Jess hoped he wasn't about to ruin that mood, but his gut instinct told him otherwise.
"Hey," he said gently. "It's me."
"Jess? What are you doing?" Rory hissed. "I said I'd call you."
"I know. I gave you ten days, and then I figured that was enough of a chance for you to get in touch with me."
"I was going to call," Rory insisted indignantly.
"You were not. Don't lie to me, Rory," Jess told her, keeping his tone as even as he could.
"That doesn't carry a lot of weight coming from you, Jess," she snapped.
"I never said it did." He paused for a moment and continued, "So, how are you?"
"You want to know how I am?" Rory asked. "I'm confused as all hell, Jess, that's how I am. I have no idea what you expect of me."
"I don't really expect anything of you," Jess told her. "I'd just like you to listen to me."
"To listen to you?" Rory asked incredulously. "And then what am I supposed to do, Jess? You run away, call me a couple of times but say nothing, then write me out of nowhere, tell me you loved me, and I'm just supposed to listen to you apologize some more and then forgive everything you did to me?"
Jess sighed in frustration. "Rory, it's complicated."
"Then start at the beginning, Jess."
"Which beginning?" he asked. "The one where I tried to get you to crawl out your bedroom window with me two seconds after meeting you, the one where I bought some ridiculous picnic basket just to piss off your boyfriend and ended up having one of the best afternoons of my life, or the one where you kissed me and ran off? Though there were two of those, weren't there. We've got a lot of beginnings, Rory. You'll have to be more specific."
Jess knew that Rory couldn't disagree with him. They did have a lot of beginnings together, but she didn't have any trouble narrowing it down to the one she wanted explained.
"The beginning of the end, then," she said quickly. "Kyle's party. You tried to put your hand down my pants, and when I told you that I wasn't going to have sex with you there, you got angry with me and told me to get out!"
"Damn it, Rory! That wasn't even about you!" Jess couldn't believe that she thought he'd been upset over that.
"What was it about then?"
"I'd just found out that I flunked out of high school!" he snapped. "Everything I thought I'd had planned fell to shit that week, Rory. I was frustrated and angry. And I didn't want you to know."
"Why not?" she demanded.
"I didn't want you to know I was a failure, that I couldn't even handle something as stupid as high school. So I defaulted." Jess sighed again and pushed a hand through his hair. "When I don't know how to deal with things I run or go for the distraction, move things to something I know I can do."
"So you wanted to have sex with me so you wouldn't have to tell me you flunked out?" Rory sounded incredibly offended, and, if that's what she believed, she had every right to be offended.
"No!" Jess cried and then cringed at the volume of his voice, lowering it before continuing. "No, I wanted to make love to you because that was the one thing I knew I could do to show you that I cared about you. I knew I could make that good for you and not leave you disappointed or have you pity me when it was over."
"I'm confused," Rory told him, and he could almost see her furrowing her brow and biting her lower lip.
"Aren't we all?" Jess snorted. "Listen, Rory, and try to understand. I was losing everything I'd made connections with. I lost my car and the Wal- Mart job because of it, when Luke found out I'd flunked he was going to kick me out, and you were going off to Yale. Everything I cared about was gone or going to be; I just wanted to make a connection. To have something to hold on to, even if it was just for a little while. Something I could control and know that it wouldn't backfire."
"So wanting to have sex was about wanting to control me?" Her confusion was becoming infused with anger again.
"No. You're twisting my meaning, Rory. It was about wanting to control me," Jess said simply.
Rory blew out a shaky breath. "I'm still confused."
"Oh, jeez," he groaned. "You're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Fine. Here it is, but don't say I didn't warn you." Jess stood and started pacing the room, trying to think of some way to soften what he was going to say.
When he couldn't come up with anything gentler than the truth, he dove in. "I'm good at sex, Rory. I can't keep a job, I'm terrible with authority, and I'm a lousy boyfriend, but I've been told more than once that when it comes to sex I know what I'm doing. I just wanted to prove to you, and myself, that I don't screw up everything."
Jess paused, took a harsh breath, and broke into bitter laughter. "God, you know Luke once asked me if I was a gigolo? I was pissed at the time, but maybe that's all I'm good for."
"Jess," Rory said softly, "Jess, you . . ."
He cut her off abruptly, "Don't. Don't pity me. I left so I wouldn't have to see the pity in your eyes when you looked at me, and I don't want to hear it over the phone."
"I wasn't going to. I was going to say that you weren't a lousy boyfriend. Not completely."
"Yeah? How do you figure that?"
Rory sighed, and Jess could almost hear her wistful smile. "Sleigh ride, big box of food, ice cream in cones, Washington Square Park, gas pump, Frank at the Sands, Gilmore Friday night dinner, Distillers tickets, 22.8 miles."
"Oh." It wasn't even half of the response he wanted to give, but it was all Jess could choke out around the lump in his throat.
"Yeah, oh," Rory echoed.
Jess didn't know what to say now. He stopped pacing and leaned against the door until his knees didn't want to hold him up anymore, and then he slid down the door to sit on the floor. An eternity seemed to pass, him sitting on the floor listening to Rory's quiet breathing over the phone, until Jess found his voice again.
"I can't believe you included dinner with your grandmother. I blew up at you and took off."
Rory sighed and gave a soft hum of agreement. "But you agreed to come in the first place."
"I lied about the black eye," Jess admitted.
"I know. Luke told me you got beaked by a swan."
Jess groaned and banged his head against the door. "Of course he did, and I bet he had a good laugh doing it."
"Pretty much." Stifled laughter was more than evident in Rory's voice.
"Okay," Jess sighed, "so I did a handful of nice things. Most of them were wrapped in crappy things I did."
"I'm not denying that," Rory said, laughter fading from her voice. "But that doesn't make you a terrible boyfriend."
"Yes, Rory, it does," Jess snapped.
"No, Jess, it doesn't. Almost every 'crappy' thing you did was done in trying to protect me or surprise me."
"I should have just been honest with you."
"Yes, you should have. But you know that now, so call it a learning experience."
Jess was incredibly surprised that Rory wasn't screaming at him or crying hysterically. Instead she was having a relatively even conversation with him. "You're being very calm about this. The last time we talked, hell, when we started talking twenty minutes ago, you flipped out."
Rory cleared her throat softly and stammered a moment before saying, "I know, but I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. You, and Luke, were right that we needed to talk like this. Dodging you wasn't exactly the right way for me to handle this."
Jess blew out a heavy breath. "I don't know. It's worked for me before."
"And look where it got us."
There was no room for Jess to argue with that. "I'm sorry I made you cry," he said, his voice rough with emotion. He hoped Rory knew that he meant that he was sorry for every time he made her cry, not just the phone calls.
Rory swallowed audibly and when she spoke her voice broke. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me."
Silence reigned again. Jess sat fiddling with the hem of his shirt, chest aching as he listened to Rory trying to hide the fact that he'd made her cry again.
"Rory, I'm sorry. Please don't," Jess whispered.
"No, it's okay," she said quickly. "It's not . . . I'm . . . can you hang on for a minute?"
"Yeah, go," he told her. "I'll be here."
Jess could hear Rory moving around; she must have been carrying the cordless phone with her. There was a clunk as she set the phone down, and Jess thought he heard her blowing her nose. More movement followed and then she was back on the line.
"I'm sorry," Rory apologized. "I'm okay."
"You sure?" Jess felt like he'd pushed her to talk to him today, and he didn't want to make Rory feel like she had to keep talking to him if she'd been pushed to her limit.
"I'm fine, really," Rory assured him.
Jess didn't completely believe Rory, but he also didn't want to argue with her anymore. "So where are we at now?" he asked.
"I'm not sure. Have you really learned a lesson in being honest with me?" Rory wanted to know.
Jess smiled wryly even though she couldn't see him. "I've learned a lesson about being honest in general."
"Can I ask you some things then? And get truthful answers?"
"Let's find out."
Rory started simply. "Are you mad at me for not calling you back?"
"No" Jess told her. "I probably wouldn't've called me back either."
She moved on to a more difficult question. "Are you happy in California with your father?"
Jess thought for a bit before answering. "I wouldn't say happy," he admitted. "I'm less angry but still plenty confused and frustrated. Happy hasn't entered the picture yet, but maybe eventually I'll get there."
"Do you miss Stars Hollow at all?" Rory asked next.
This answer he didn't have to think about. "Parts of it. The bridge, the diner. Luke. You."
"Did you really love me?" She was hesitant in asking this question, almost like she was afraid of the answer.
Jess shared in her hesitation before answering, "Yes."
Rory drew a sharp breath and then asked the question Jess hoped she wouldn't have the nerve to get out. "Do you still love me?"
He went completely still; it felt like even his heart stopped beating. Dimly, he heard Rory's voice in his ear again..
"Jess?" she asked cautiously.
"Yeah," he gasped. "Yeah, I do."
It was Rory's turn to become silent. "Me, too," she finally managed to say.
"Which brings us back to the original question," Jess said grimly. "Where are we now?"
"Well," Rory deadpanned, "you're in Venice, and I'm in New Haven."
"I thought I was the literalist," Jess replied just as flatly. He listened to Rory fight the giggle that rose in her throat and then laughed along with her when she finally let it go.
Rory sobered first. "Seriously, Jess, we're an entire continent apart, and now matter how I feel about you, I'm still hurt."
"I know." Jess stopped himself from apologizing again. Rory might start to think he didn't really mean it if he said it too many times. "So . . . friends, then?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound too eager to be even a small part of her life again.
Rory considered his suggestion in what Jess felt was the longest silence of the night. "I think that might work," she finally decided. "We could call each other, trade off weeks."
Jess was secretly thrilled that she'd suggested that, especially in light of her recent phone-phobia, but he felt like he needed to offer Rory an option that gave her a bit more distance from him. "We're both good with a pen; we can write each other, too."
"Yeah," Rory agreed. "People underestimate the power of a good letter these days."
"That they do. Plus, it's cheaper."
"You could call me collect, Jess," Rory told him. "It's not a big deal."
"I meant for you, Rory. I've got two jobs out here, and you don't have any money coming in that I know of, do you?" Jess realized that there was probably a lot he didn't know about her now. For all he knew she was working more than he was.
"Well, no, I don't have a job, but my grandparents are paying my expenses while I'm in school," Rory said like it was the most normal thing in the world to have grandparents that paid for everything.
Jess was surprised that Rory didn't see the hole in her own logic. "Even if it's long distance calls to me?" he asked.
"Oh . . . well, probably not," Rory said sheepishly.
"Didn't think so," Jess chuckled.
"Where are you working?" Rory asked suddenly. Then she paused and seemed to reconsider. "Is it okay to ask that?" she wondered.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Jess asked back. "I'm working mostly at this little used book store, but sometimes I help out at Jimmy's place down on the beach."
"What does Jimmy do?" Rory sounded surprised that he was working with his father.
Jess almost didn't want to tell her after all of the crap he used to say about working in the diner. "Hot dogs," he mumbled.
"What?"
"He owns a hot dog stand near the beach," Jess sighed.
Rory started giggling almost immediately. "Do you have to wear a little paper hat?" she wanted to know.
"No," Jess growled.
She kept laughing. "Are you sure you don't wear one?"
"Yes, I'm sure I don't wear a little paper hat. Stop picturing me in one," he demanded.
Rory tried to calm herself down. "I'm not," she said innocently.
"Don't lie to me, Gilmore. I can hear you grinning." Jess wasn't about to tell her it was a sound he really missed.
"But it's such a cute picture," Rory whined and started laughing again.
Jess started laughing along with her but still told her, "Stop it."
Rory's laughter sputtered to a stop. "Killjoy."
"That's me," Jess admitted proudly. "Look, Rory, I should probably go. Even if I am paying for the call, Sasha's gonna overreact when she gets this phone bill."
"Is she tough on you? I don't really know anything about her other than that she's your father's girlfriend." She seemed genuinely interested in learning about the people in his life now, and Jess felt a warmth spread down his spine at the definite proof that Rory still cared about what happened to him.
"She's a tough as she needs to be I guess," Jess told Rory. "I mean, she let me stay for a month, no questions asked. Though after that, she started making me pay rent. Which I guess I understand. She's a good mom, and she keeps an eye on Jimmy. You know, your mom would probably really like her."
"Really?" Rory sounded surprised that Jess was getting along with someone like Lorelai.
Jess was surprised at that fact, too. "Yeah. Anyway, I've got to go."
"Okay. Next time I'll call you," Rory promised. "Is next Thursday okay? Around nine?"
"Nine your time, or nine my time?"
"Oh, um, mine. Is that all right?" Rory seemed very eager to make sure that he was okay with everything, and Jess thought it was a strange reversal from their attitudes when they had started talking.
"Yeah," he said quickly. "It'll be around six here, and Thursdays I watch Lily for Sasha. She teaches some kind of yoga-meditation-spiritual philosophy thing in the neighborhood then."
Rory couldn't cover the surprised noise that bubbled from her throat when Jess revealed that he willing spent time with Lily. "You'll have to tell me more about Sasha sometime. She sounds interesting."
"She is. So, I'll talk to you next week." Jess made it a statement and not a question, trying to keep Rory from suddenly changing her mind in another of the mood swings she seemed to have concerning him.
"Next week," Rory affirmed. "Um, well.good night, Jess."
He grinned over the fact that she didn't say 'good bye.' "Good night, Rory."
Jess waited until he heard her hang up before doing the same. Standing, he brushed himself off and reached behind himself to open the door. When he turned around to leave, Jess almost walked straight into Jimmy.
"Jeez," Jess grumbled. "You need a bell or something."
Jimmy shrugged, "Sorry. I need the phone."
Jess held it out, but pulled it away at the last second. "Do something for me first," he told Jimmy.
"What?" Jimmy asked as he tried to grab for the phone, frustration etched on his face. "I don't have time for this Jess, I need the phone."
"Then don't pay my bills for me anymore," Jess bit out.
Jimmy regarded the younger man with wide eyes, momentarily taken aback at Jess' anger. "I just wanted to do something for you. I missed out on all of your birthdays and Christmases. I thought it would be a nice gesture."
Jess rolled his eyes. "Then buy me a pony or something. Stay out of this. I know you want to know about her," Jess said, careful to avoid revealing Rory's name, "but if you think paying for a few calls to her is going to make that happen, you're very wrong." Jess thrust the phone into Jimmy's chest and stalked out of the room.
Sasha's head appeared from the kitchen. "Well," she drawled at Jimmy, "apparently along with your love for The Clash, he's also got your temper."
Jimmy scowled at her and then frowned down at the phone. For a brief moment he wondered if it would be out of line for him to call Luke for help, too.
**********
At the same time Jess was verbally grappling with his father, Rory entered the second round of her argument with her mother.
Rory came out of her bedroom to return the phone to its charger for once and found her mother sitting rigidly at the kitchen table. There was a scowl on Lorelai's face that Rory thought made her look an awful lot like Emily.
"You were talking to Jess," Lorelai said stonily.
"Yes, I was," Rory agreed. She didn't see any reason to hide it.
Lorelai stood and followed Rory into the living room. "You want to know how I knew that?" she asked.
"Latent psychic powers?" Rory asked under her breath.
"I knew because you skittered off into your room almost immediately after you answered the phone and then twenty minutes later you started crying. What did he do now?" Lorelai wanted to know.
Rory sighed and turned to face her mother. "He didn't do anything, Mom. We both said what we needed to say, got a lot of questions answered, and we've reached an understanding," Rory said diplomatically.
Lorelai went white. "You're taking him back," she hissed.
"I am not!" Rory cried. "We're just going to talk more. I'm sorry you don't like that, Mom, but I'm largely out on my own now, and I'm going to do things you don't like. You have to get over it." Rory grabbed her coat, pulled it on, and left her mother sputtering in the entryway.
She walked the familiar route to the diner and smiled when it proved to be mostly empty. A couple she didn't recognize sat in a far corner; Rory assumed they were tourists just passing through town. The dinging of the newly replaced bell over the door brought Luke out of the kitchen. He smiled at her, but then narrowed his eyes and looked past her out the windows searching for something.
"Mom's not coming," Rory told Luke as she took a seat at the counter. "You don't have to worry about pretending you're not mad at each other."
Luke shoulders visibly relaxed, and he poured Rory a cup of coffee. "Been a while since you've come in by yourself," he said.
"Yeah, but I couldn't stay at home right now," Rory replied.
"Why not?"
"I just talked to Jess, and Mom's pretty upset."
"So, you finally talked to him?" Luke asked. "That's good. How is he?" It had been a while since he'd talked to Jess himself.
"He sounded okay," Rory said. "We both got a lot of things settled," she revealed.
Luke nodded slowly. "Good."
"I'm gonna call him next week. We're going to see if we can be friends again." Rory watched Luke carefully, gauging his reaction to her news.
On his part, Luke kept his surprise and happiness well hidden. "You two were pretty good friends," was all he said, but he was watching Rory just as carefully as she was watching him. She was smiling, but her eyes betrayed her nervousness at letting Jess close again. She was still fragile after Jess' first betrayal, and another one might make her collapse. Luke and Rory were both very aware of that possibility hanging in the air, but, as was their custom, neither one of them mentioned it.
"You want pancakes?" Luke eventually asked, knowing they were one of Rory's preferred comfort foods.
Rory's small smile broke into a relived grin. "Yes, please."
"Okay. I'll be back in a couple of minutes," Luke told her. He put the coffee pot away, but before he went into the kitchen he reached out and squeezed Rory's hand, letting her know that, just like after Jess first left, he'd be there if she needed him.
**********
Author's Notes the Second: I hope that was up to everyone's expectations. In the next chapter, I'll be jumping ahead a few months, because if I don't I'll be writing this forever. But other than knowing I'll be skipping forward a bit, I'm not sure on what's going to happen in the next chapter, so suggestions are welcome. Thanks again to everyone for reading!