Water-Rose- Ah... Now that is a disturbing thought... Miniature versions of Shadow and Eclipse running around.
Jasmine101- Heh heh. Glad to hear it.
Draikitha- Eclipse isn't really as obsessive in real life as she is in the stories... The crowbar is not in this chapter, but I think it'll be in chapter six. Ah, does Eclipse get mad when I torture her? No, but I told her that somebody suggested a Kurama/Eclipse romance story, and she just started twitching (well, in an email I told her, so she said she fainted), and I keep taunting her evilly saying I'm gonna go write about Kurama and Eclipse making out in a tree... She hasn't replied to that email yet cuz we got off the internet and I called her and am currently on the phone with her.
Flame34- My weasels aren't pink! They're weasely colors! And besides, they have strange powers over my brain, because I really should hate them forever. One killed one of my bunnies before. Then my dog killed the weasel. It smelled bad. I had a dream with giant chipmunk-squirrels sitting on posts in it last night... There were also giant dragons and reptilian goat creatures. Eclipse says she predicts you will be killed by giant chipmunk-squirrels in the future. She predicts it, and it shall happen.
Robin Autumn- I did. I drew Small Child Hiei With A Pink Bunny Rabbit.
xkuroxshinobix- Ah, read away.
Hedi Dracona- Ah. I'll try to remember to use them, then.
PicoPicoZufuChan- I drew a picture of Hiei with a pink bunny. Muwaha. They don't die because they're too stupid to feel pain. I dunno. Heh heh.
C.C.C.- I'm happy. See my giantly happy smile?
Bar-Ohki- Yes, well even if they were dead, their soul would tear itself from their body and zoom away.
Black Cat- I wouldn't know why they hang around you after my stories. Do you hold some odd demonic appeal or something...?
Chrisoriented- That sounds horribly evil, like something I'd do... Except my family isn't outrageously religious... I'm definitely not.
UnicornGirl-DragonLady- Hee hee. Glad you liked it. So much... If I read a really funny story and laugh a lot, the people in my house think I'm either annoying, stupid, or... really annoying... or... immature... They're mean. They tell me to shut up.
Katana-Jake- Glad you like it.
Silver Lena- THAT'S A GOOD IDEA! Take over the world with lunatics and kill people through suffocation by laughter... Muwahahahahaha... World domination plan B... I mean, uh ::shifty eyes:: Uh, like, what are you, nuts? You, uh... Plotting to take over the world! ::shifty eyes:: I'd never do such a thing! ::Shifty eyes, edges away slowly::
Mari Youma- ::gags horribly:: I JUST HAD THE MOST SCARIEST IMAGE POP INTO MY MIND! NEXT TO CHEERLEADER HIEI, THIS IS NUMBER 2 SCARY... That I can remember... Yes. Sesshoumaru dancing and skipping around, smiling all happy-like in a field of pink flowers, throwing flower petal out of a basket, while happy, floaty, fairy music plays... O.o Yes, I AM sane... Just in a different sense of the word...
LivingImpared- Well is it interesting or cool?! Make up your mind! Oh, and thanks for reading and reviewing all my stories. A lot of people just review the latest chapter of the latest story to inform me that they read all my stories, but they didn't review them. I appreciate it.
KumiHatari- Um... What?
Carri- Yes, well I know he did, but I decided that with my mighty authoress powers, I would bend that little fact a bit... He has his arm... Because it'd suck if he didn't. Having one arm sucks. I don't know from experience or anything, but I can assume.
Zero- Yes, indeed, I did say I'd have it up Wednesday, but now it's Monday. Truth is, I hadn't even started it by Wednesday. Hee hee. Well I updated two other stories, so that's my excuse. I was working on finished others so now I can devote all my time to ONE story... Yeah right. I have about 6 others I've started and 4 or 5 more I need to start...
CHAPTER...um...FIVE?
In the Form of Audible Torture
"Lord Sesshoumaru! Where have you been? You told me your were going to go torment Inuyasha some more, and you never came back!"
Sesshoumaru looked down at the green toady servant.
"Well obviously I came back, Jaken... Just not the same day..." He glanced around. Those two psychos had followed him... He'd lost them somewhere. Hopefully. But as he learned, those two can do anything, honestly anything, they set their minds to, including tracking a dog demon who didn't even travel by foot on the ground.
He rode the pink ribbony thingy of doom. In the sky.
Wait. No. It's maroon... Not pink... Or is it orange?
"What's bothering you, my Lord?"
"Everything. Including you," Sesshoumaru said. Jaken was about to say something when Sesshoumaru continued. "However, I'd rather put up with you than what I put up with for the past few days."
Jaken relaxed slightly, looking less hurt but more confused. "What are those things on your wrists, m'lord?"
"Handcuffs."
"Where exactly were you for the past few days, Lord Sesshoumaru?"
"With Inuyasha."
Jaken just stared.
"I'll explain later, if I must. Where's Rin?"
"I'm not sure..."
There was a rustle in the leaves somewhere close by. Sesshoumaru stared at the source of the noise and sighed. Just a small bird. Nothing like--
"FOUND YA!"
Sesshoumaru nearly jumped out of his skin (A/N: I almost put he jumped out of his clothes but you'd like that image too much, wouldn't you? Pervert.) as Shadow and Eclipse lunged out of the bushes and tackled him.
"Thought you could escape, didn't you?!" Shadow said, straddling him and holding down his arms. Eclipse tumbled a few feet away and stood up, crossing her arms.
"Well, I'd hoped so, but I suppose I'm not that lucky," he said.
"Who are you? Leave Lord Sesshoumaru alone!" Jaken said, stomping over to them.
"Oooh, Lord Sesshoumaru," Eclipse said mockingly. "Get lost, ya toad!" She bunted him into a mud puddle a few feet away.
"Well, Fluffy, your plans of escape have failed!" Shadow said.
"Get off me!"
"Okay!"
"Okay?"
Shadow jumped off him and jerked her arm up, which she'd chained to Sesshoumaru once again without him noticing, and practically pulled his arm out of its socket. Eclipse hopped over to her place and chained herself to him.
"Come on, you psychos! Let me go," Sesshoumaru said.
"Nope! Fluffy tried to escape and now he will pay!" they said in unison.
"In the form of audible torture," Shadow said coldly.
"What's 'audible torture'?"
"Something we just made up just now!" Eclipse informed him sternly.
"Oh... Um... I'm afraid to ask."
And the two girls informed him by commencing their 'audible torture' which came in the form of oldies songs and operas in French and songs about loving people and also in overdramatic recitals of Shakespeare plays.
. . .
"So, how are we supposed to find them, then?" Miroku was asking as the group trekked through the forest towards the western lands that held the many Shikon shards (you recall that indeed that is really what this story was about...).
"By the scent of their rotting carcasses hanging from trees," Inuyasha said dryly.
"Or by the sound of their obnoxious voices," Youko suggested, twitching his ears. He paused, then added, "Screaming... as they are brutally murdered then hung from trees to rot in the sun..."
"That's sick," Sango said.
"What?! I wouldn't put it past Sesshoumaru if he can actually defend himself this time," Inuyasha said. "He'd kill them and leave them to rot in a tree."
"If there was anything left after he blew them to bits," Youko said.
"You guys are morbid!" Yusuke said.
"Don't use words you can't define, Yusuke," Youko said in a schoolteacher's patient tone.
"I can too define it: 'Youko and Inuyasha, talking about brutally murdering two people just because they're slightly insane!'"
"Yeah, well I can define 'underestimation', if indeed that is really a word," Youko said, after recovering from laughter at Yusuke's remark. "'Yusuke calling Shadow Jaganshi and Eclipse Shinomori slightly insane.' They're raving lunatics!"
"They aren't all that bad... Besides, wasn't there something about Sesshoumaru's sword being unable to kill?" Kagome said.
"Whoever said he was gonna use his sword?" Inuyasha said. "He has a wide variety of weapons other than his sword."
"Like, for example, a tree branch," Youko said. "He could bludgeon them to death, like they always say they're going to do to everyone." He mocked Shadow's voice: "'Do this and that RIGHT NOW or I'll bludgeon you to death with this oversized salmon I found walking down the hall!'" (A/N: I know salmon can't walk, but he was mocking Shadow, and she might not know that…)
Inuyasha laughed. Kuwabara looked at Hiei.
"Hey Hiei, you've been rather quiet. Worried about your lover?" he taunted. Hiei jumped up and kicked off the baka's head... Ahem... Figuratively speaking... Of course...
"I'd be more worried about Sesshoumaru, if I were you," Shippou said.
"I'm not worried about anybody. I was trying to enjoy the silence, but there doesn't seem to BE ANY, WITH YOU PEOPLE YAPPING ABOUT THEM DYING!"
Everybody stared.
"Sorry sir," Yusuke said sarcastically. Hiei kicked him in the shin and sent him hopping around on one leg whining and complaining.
"Anyway, let's just concentrate on finding the shards. I'm sure we'll hear something about them sooner or later," Inuyasha said, trailing off.
"Whether it be from them... Alive and physically well... or from Sesshoumaru... Alive to tell us that they are indeed not physically well," Youko finished for him.
. . .
"Meet me in the crowd... People, people... Throw your love around... Love me, love me... Take it into town... Happy, happy... Put it in the ground where the flowers grow... Gold and silver shine," Shadow and Eclipse were singing ('Shiny Happy People' by R.E.M., don't own, have no affiliation with... Don't even own the CD, dammit.)
Meanwhile, poor Sesshoumaru couldn't plug his ears so he just walked along going, "La la la la la la la..." Loudly.
The girls ignored him, bouncing along holding his hands and singing.
"Shiny happy people holding hands, shiny happy people laughing... Everyone around... Love them, love them--"
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?"
Everything went silent. Sesshoumaru was startled until he realized why. They were surrounded by demons.
Shadow screamed with fake horror, but it sounded rather genuine. Sesshoumaru slapped his hand over her mouth.
"Shut up, stupid! You attracted them with your infernal noise, making more of it would just cause you a faster death!"
"I always thought fast deaths were less painful..."
"Yeah, that's why I want you to shut up and have a slow one."
"You're mean!"
"I know."
It became apparent a few minutes later that it was no coincidence that these demons were there. Jaken stepped forward.
"Jaken?" Sesshoumaru said.
"YOU DUMB TOAD!" Shadow snapped. She crouched down to his level. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm helping my lord defeat you, you hideous creatures!"
"Pfffffffffff," the girls snorted.
"Get lost, ya toad!" Eclipse snapped.
"We're not hideous, either," Shadow said. "Most people find me highly attractive... I dunno about Eclipse, but--"
"Hey!" Eclipse snapped. "You're stupid and mean!"
Shadow grinned. "Thank you!"
"STOP IGNORING ME!" Jaken yelled.
"Oh, I forgot you were there! You're so short, y'know, it's hard to notice you..." Shadow said, smirking.
"Just because I'm short doesn't mean I can't do serious damage to you!"
"Well just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm weak! I bet you couldn't hurt a hair on my head!"
"Shadow..." Sesshoumaru warned.
Shadow was promptly pounced on by about ten demons. In the process of mauling them, in order to properly maul them more properly, she unchained herself from Sesshoumaru and went on an insane killing spree with a tree branch as a weapon, as she does not carry a sword everywhere like Hiei does.
She knocked the last demon to the ground and stood there silent for a moment, looking around at the havoc she'd just wreaked, before laughing maniacally.
"With all her stupidity, I didn't think she'd be able to fight like that at all," Sesshoumaru said.
"Shadow! You didn't save me any!" Eclipse complained.
"Too slow! First come, first served!" Shadow said, pointing at Eclipse with the tree branch.
"Stupid child..." Eclipse muttered. Shadow continued laughing.
"You forgot about me!" Jaken said, jumping up to hit Shadow in the head. She looked at him levelly.
"Oh yeah. You. Get lost, Toady-Midget," Shadow said, hitting him aside with no effort whatsoever. "I forgot about you cuz you're tiny and helpless."
"Why, you!" Jaken snapped indignantly, jumping up.
"Eclipse, you wanna handle this?" Shadow asked.
"Ya!"
A second later, Eclipse was stomping all over Jaken, laughing maniacally.
Shadow stood at Sesshoumaru's side, her arms crossed as she watched and looked at her own handiwork proudly.
"What do you think of that, Mister Get-These-Weak-Stupid-Girls-Away-From-Me?" Shadow asked the dog demon. He stared at her.
"Can I change my name to Mister Protect-Me-From-These-Girls-Wraths?"
Shadow laughed maniacally.
"Not that you would hurt me, because you're too nice for that," Sesshoumaru added. Shadow stopped and tackled him.
"I wouldn't hurt you, eh?"
"You wouldn't. That's what I said."
"You're sadly mistaken! If you do anything worth my wrath, you shall have my wrath upon you!" she said valiantly, threateningly. Then added in a calmer, kinder tone, "But you're too sweet to do anything to piss me off or to hurt me."
"I'm not sweet! Get off me!"
Shadow laughed.
"Hey, Shadow, I think he's dead," Eclipse said, pointing to the pummeled Jaken on the ground. He had footprints all over his body and looked slightly deformed.
"Pity. Let's go," the other girl answered, standing up and pulling Sesshoumaru to his feet. "I wonder where Hiei and them people are?"
"They probably just headed west without us," Eclipse said.
"West! Let's go," Shadow said. "Fluffy, use your nose to try to find them."
"I don't want to find them!"
"YES YOU DO! Don't you want to keep them out of your lands?" Shadow snapped.
"They're already in my lands," he admitted.
"Don't you want to make them leave your lands?"
"Yes, but you won't let me fight Inuyasha, so I have no way to get them out."
"Ever thought of asking nicely?"
Sesshoumaru snorted. "I'm not nice! How many times have I told you?"
"A lot, but I don't believe that bogus. You're just a big tough guy, like Hiei was before he was tainted by me and my me-ness..." Shadow said cheerfully. "It's just a matter of time until I find the nice you under all this hair and fur and armor. And don't tell me there isn't a nice you because that's bogus."
Sesshoumaru muttered something under his breath.
"I HEARD THAT!"
"Ahh! No you didn't!"
"I was standing right next to you! How could I have not?!"
"Because you're deaf and stupid."
"THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!"
"IT'S GOT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SOMETHING!"
"WHAT?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"That makes two of us."
"Well it's normal for you to be braindead, but I always know what's going on! YOU'VE DRAINED ME OF MY INTELLIGENCE!"
"Oh yeah? And what did I do with it once it was out of your brain?"
"I'm the one who should be asking that!"
"Cuz I surely didn't put it in my head... You'd have noticed if I had."
"Well then what did you do with it, girl?!"
"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Cuz it's still in your head, you're just now magically incapable of finding it. OH BRING ME A HOME, WHERE THE SESSHOUMARU'S ROAM, AND THE INUYASHA'S AND KAGOME'S PLAY! WHERE SELDOM YOU HEAR, ANYTHING ABOUT BEER, AND THE SKY IS FILLED WITH DEMONS INSTEAD OF CLOUDS!" Shadow sang.
"... Oi. Um... That didn't rhyme, Shadow," Eclipse said.
"I know!"
"Okay!"
And they commenced with their singing and skipping.
. . .
"So, Kagome, how close are the shards now?" Inuyasha asked.
"They're really close... I'd say we'll be on them in an hour," Kagome said.
"Really?" Youko said, nodding and sounding bored. "How interesting."
"I wonder if Koenma knows we fell through a magical well into the Warring States era," Hiei said dryly, spinning a twig with a single leaf on the end between his fingers as he walked.
"I'd say he probably does," Yusuke said. "I mean, he is Koenma, after all."
"... Yes... I'd noticed..." Hiei said, looking at Yusuke skeptically out of the corner of his eye.
"But it's not doing us any good unless he does something about us being stuck here," Kuwabara said. "I mean, he can know all he wants but unless he changes it, knowing isn't helping us. Being smart doesn't solve everything..."
"Sure it does!" Youko said. "You wouldn't know that, though, since you're a braindead moron."
"Hey!"
"I thought Eclipse was the braindead moron..." Hiei muttered.
"Oh. Oh yeah, that's right. She is. Well Kuwabara is just a clumsy oaf of low intellectual levels, then."
"Hey!!!"
"Hay is what barnyard animals eat, Kuwabara, and I suppose you would know, being a cow like you are," Hiei said.
"HEY! Hiei, I'm gonna beat you up!" Kuwabara then attempted to hit Hiei, missed so badly it was funny, and was poked in the eye with the twig Hiei'd been carrying.
"OWIES!"
"That's nice," Hiei said, unconcerned, and walked away.
"I wonder where Shadow and Eclipse are," Kagome said.
"Did we already go through the 'I wonder where those two baka girls are' stage, or didn't we?" Inuyasha snapped.
"I think we might have," Hiei said.
"I wanna go home," Kuwabara whined, rubbing at his eye.
"Boo. Hoo. Cry me a river," Youko said.
Then, and eerie sound came from behind them. Ooooooooooo. It sounded like this: "WWWWEEEEEEEEEE-OW!-EEEEEEEE-OWOW-EEEEEEEE!!!"
"That sounds all too familiar," Hiei said dryly, knowing exactly what it was. "Oddly. Y'know?"
Two girls and a Sesshoumaru came rolling down the path behind them, as it was a rather steep downhill path, and everybody had to dodge out of the way as they went flying past, kicking up tons of dust and scaring every living creature for miles around. They rolled down the hill and out of sight.
"...Well, apparently they found us," Hiei said. "Didn't I say they would?"
"I don't know. Did you?" Youko asked absently, watching the dust trail headed down the hill.
"Dunno. Come on." Hiei ran down the path after them. Everybody followed, and shortly arrived at the bottom of the hill, where a tangled mess of people lay, covered in dust. Quite a few villagers had been rolled over before they could get out of the way, but their sacrifice had helped the original rolling trio stop.
"If that ever happens to me again, I'll kill you both," Sesshoumaru growled, standing up and dragging the two happy girls up with him.
"Help... me..."
They looked down to realize they were standing on and crippling a poor old already-crippled ancient old man.
"Oops," Shadow and Eclipse said in unison. Sesshoumaru sighed heavily, staring up at the sky. Hiei arrived a second later and glared at them. The girls smiled innocently and dragged Sesshoumaru off the old cripple-ified man.
"Sorry old man," Shadow said, pulling him to his feet. Then she completely ignored him in favor of talking to Hiei (and therefore didn't notice the guy collapse of a heart attack). She pointed to Sesshoumaru. "We found Fluffy, could you tell?"
"Yes. I could."
"Inuyasha, the Jewel shards are in this village!" Kagome said suddenly from a few feet away.
"Where at, exactly?"
"That way," she said, pointing. And they all went parading into the village. Well, maybe not parading... Well, at least not all of them were parading... Can you guess who was? If you said anyone but Shadow and Eclipse, you must be mentally retarded and would get along well with those two girls. :D
. . .
"Yes, we have shards of the Shikon jewel, but we aren't going to just give them away."
The group had found the exact location of the shards: A large temple/shrine-like mansion kinda thingy belonging to the village's leader.
"Look here, old man--" Inuyasha started.
"What can we do to persuade you?" Miroku asked, clamping his hand over Inuyasha's mouth.
"You have to prove yourselves worthy of having these shards," the leader told them. Most of the group sighed and rolled their eyes.
"And may I ask what that entails?" Youko asked dryly.
"A competition."
"Well yes, I had guessed as much..."
"Please, enlighten us," Miroku said.
"The one who carries the shards is a very powerful demon. If you can defeat him, he will give you the shards."
"That seems simple enough," Hiei said.
"SIMPLE PIMPLE!" Shadow sang. Sesshoumaru clubbed her in the head. She cowered.
"We never told you the powers of the Shikon Jewel, did we..." Sango said.
"Yes, I think I know about it," Hiei said thoughtfully. He turned to the village leader. "Would this be a one-on-one fight?"
"It would be however he wants it to be."
"Well then, where is he?" Inuyasha snapped. "Let me beat the crap out of him, get the shards, and we'll be on our way."
The other man laughed hysterically.
"I bet I could beat him up," Shadow said. Sesshoumaru groaned.
"Just because you and Eclipse can pummel some weak demons and stomp all over Jaken doesn't mean you could defeat a demon that possesses many shards of the Shikon Jewel."
"Yadda yadda..."
"I'll send for him, and I'll also tell the villagers they'll need to dig a few graves..." the leader said.
"You'll only need to dig one grave," Inuyasha told him, "and that will be for the demon that has the shards right now."
The man laughed again.
They hung around a few more minutes until the villager that had been sent to get the demon came back.
"He's waiting around the back," the man said. The village leader (A/N: MAN, I'M GETTING SICK OF TYPING THAT! His name's gonna be Bob here soon... Jeez...) led them all around to the back of his temple/shrine/mansion thingy and they caught the first glimpse of their opponent.
A tall guy on horseback, dressed in armor, holding his helmet under one arm, was in front of them. He had a sword on his belt, a quiverful of arrows on his back, and the bow in his hand. He had black hair, dark skin, and pink eyes...
"He's got Jewel shards in both arms and legs, and one behind his headband," Kagome said. "Plus a few in the pouch on his belt!"
Ah, the cheesy challenge of it all. To make it worse...
"Sesshoumaru?!" the guy said, recognizing the white-haired demon. "I never knew you were after the jewel shards..."
Sesshoumaru groaned. "I'm not, Umidori."
"You're not? Then why, may I ask, are you with this group?"
"It's not important."
"Sure it is! I'd like to know!"
"Wait a minute..." Inuyasha said. "You know this freak?"
"Um, yes, sort of. He's a nuisance."
"Oh... I'm hurt!" Umidori said.
"You need to be."
"Hmph. See if I cut you any slack when we fight!"
"I'm not fighting you," Sesshoumaru said.
"Who exactly is, then?"
"Me," came eight voices, one much more cheerful than all the rest.
"Well, well... I have quite a challenge here, don't I! Well... I believe that I have the right to choose my first opponent, don't you...?"
When no one objected, he continued. "Would my challengers step forward?"
Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango, Hiei, Youko, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Shadow stepped forward. However, Shadow was promptly jerked back by Sesshoumaru. She strained wildly, screaming like a small child that didn't get its candy at the grocery store.
"I WANNA FIIIIIGHT HIM!!"
"No you don't," Sesshoumaru said. He dragged her back and Hiei pushed her back by her shoulders.
"I. WANT. TO. FIGHT. HIM!" she howled, straining against the two demons.
"No. You. Don't!" Sesshoumaru snapped.
"You aren't allowed to fight him," Hiei snapped.
"SAYS WHO?!"
"ME!"
Umidori, meanwhile, was watching with a smile. "I've chosen."
Everyone froze. He pointed at Shadow.
"You will fight me."
"WOOHOO!" she cheered, jumping up in the air. Hiei looked horrified, and all the other challengers looked angry.
"Her!? That's not fair!" Inuyasha said. "You aren't fighting her! She doesn't even have a weapon!"
Shadow slammed him in the side of the head with her fist. "I HAVE MORE WEAPONS THAN YOU THINK, EE-NEW-YA-SHA!!!"
"No you don't, Shadow. Not to fight a guy with a sword," Hiei said.
"I've chosen," Umidori said, smirking. "There's no changing it now, not until I beat her."
"Here," Shadow said, snapping her cuff onto Hiei's wrist.
"Hey! No, I'm not going be chained to Sesshoumaru if you're fighting this guy!"
"Fine," Shadow grumbled, taking off the cuff and grabbing Yusuke. "Yusuke, since you don't care about me and you're not fighting, your wrist is quite available." She snapped it onto him and paraded up to Umidori and his horse.
"I shall pummel thee," she said, looking up at him.
"We'll see…"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, apparently fanfiction is gonna be on a read-only level for a couple days so I dunno when I'll update next. School starts on the 30th... I have two weeks to work on this story unhindered by outside influences of doom. I think I'm gonna have to write an autobiography for 9th grade English. That'll be fun. Oh yes. It will be fun. It will be long, comical, and totally making fun of me... And I'm the one writing it. O.o Well that makes sense... Not... But I'll like that. Cuz I like writing!
This story's already got 88 reviews, and I'm not done yet... Eclipse says it's gonna be my longest story, or my second longest, but I'm not sure. It might be by words, but not chapters... It's already 18,000 something according to Microsoft Word, without all the review responses.