Author's Notes: So, so sorry about the delay. Real Life decided it had
been too long since I'd had to deal with a medical malady and smacked me
hard with the flu. Then, once I finally felt better, I had a wicked case
of writer's block. I think it's passed, finally getting new episodes of
the show after holiday hiatus certainly helped, but I'm not sure how good
this chapter is compared to the rest of them. I'm not really happy with
it, but I don't know what else to do with it and I'm tired of looking at
it.
And not that anyone will notice, but I've switched from using Jess' as a possessive to using Jess's, because I have been informed that the latter is correct and only Jesus and Moses get away without the s after the apostrophe. You learn something everyday.
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot and a few original characters. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but the only thing I'm borrowing from Season 4 is Rory's haircut. Any other similarities are purely coincidence. Chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I do not own those either.
**********
Chapter Thirteen: Next Day I Just Wouldn't Know
October 2004
Rory pulled up to the house late Thursday afternoon. Her Friday classes had all been canceled through some peculiar stroke of fate, so she'd decided to head home for a long weekend in Stars Hollow. As she shut off the engine of her car, she looked up at the house and smiled. She hadn't really been home this semester except to do laundry. This unplanned visit home might be exactly what she needed to unwind a little from the increasing stress at Yale.
It also might help her actually address what had happened in California at the end of the summer. She still thought about Jess, especially on Thursday nights, but she could find plenty of distractions at school to keep from really thinking about what had occurred and what it meant. Some time back in Stars Hollow, with plenty of places to be alone, would offer Rory time to think seriously about Jess and their relationship . . . if they even still had one.
The laundry bags were heavy, and Rory dropped them gratefully in the entry way. It was too early for her mother to be home from the inn which was finally nearing completion. Shedding her jacket, Rory wandered into the kitchen looking for something to eat. She hit paydirt with some pizza in the refrigerator that didn't look or smell too old. With a stop off in her room to pick up a book that had nothing to do with school, Rory went back to the living room, settled into the couch, and promptly forgot about everything else in her life until a bang sounded from the front door.
"Hey!" Lorelai cried out. "I didn't tell the Laundry Fairy she could use this place as a rest stop."
Rory knelt up on the sofa. "Surprise."
Lorelai faked a shocked expression. "What are you doing here? Did Yale burn down?"
"No, but I did suddenly find myself with a free Friday tomorrow, and I thought I'd come spend it with my mommy."
"Well, I'm honored to rate such attention from such an important person," Lorelai said, rounding the couch to pull Rory into a hug. "Okay, a little less honored now that I know you've eaten all the pizza."
Shrugging, Rory pulled her mother down onto the couch. "You've got every take out place within twenty miles on the speed dial. You can get more pizza."
"Technically, I can get another daughter, too," Lorelai teased.
"Not one as good as me," Rory protested.
"You're probably right."
"How're things at the inn?"
"Better than great! I can't believe it's taken this long to get it all finished though."
"Well," Rory reasoned, "the broken pipes flooding the kitchen and the end of the porch falling off probably set you back a little."
Lorelai shrugged and nodded. "Probably. Anyway, the painters are coming next week, the horses seem to be settling in, and the electrician finally fixed all the crossed switches."
Rory clapped her hands giddily. "No more going into the hallway to turn on the bathroom lights? Yay!"
Lorelai bounced, "I know. It's really working! I think we need to celebrate. Burgers at Luke's and ice cream from Taylor's."
Her good mood dwindled almost instantly. "Or we could just order in and have a movie night," Rory suggested feebly.
"Whoa, okay, you have to tell me when you're going to switch moods that fast, so I can put on my seatbelt," Lorelai said, holding her daughter at arms length and searching her face. "Why don't you want to go out?"
Rory shifted uncomfortably. If she admitted she didn't want to go to Luke's, she would have to admit she was currently avoiding all things even remotely connected to Jess. And if she told her mother that, she would have to tell her mother why. Rory didn't think either one of them was ready for that. "I missed you so, so much, and I don't want to share you with anyone?" she tried to respond.
Her mother scoffed. "Nice try, sweets, but Luke's been asking me how you are a lot. I know you haven't been talking to him. I had thought it was just because you were really busy, but maybe it's something else?" Lorelai asked.
Squirming, Rory pulled away and retreated to the other end of the couch. "If I tell you that there is something that's bothering me, can you accept the fact that I still have to sort it out inside my head some more before I can talk about it?"
"But when you're ready to talk about it, you'll come to me and not someone else?" Lorelai asked, clearly remembering Rory's confiding in Luke instead of her after Jess's departure over two years ago.
"I will," Rory assured her mother, even if, in her head, she was dreading that conversation. "I promise."
"Okay, then," Lorelai nodded, "I'll run out for movies and ice cream, and you call for food. Anything but Sandeep's."
"Thanks, Mom," Rory sighed in relief and hugged Lorelai tightly. Then she skipped off toward the kitchen and the take-out drawer with a bright smile on her face.
As Lorelai watched Rory disappear, she couldn't help but notice that the smile was false and solely for her benefit. However, as much as she wanted to say something, she had learned her lesson before about making a judgment without having all of facts and knowing what Rory was thinking, so Lorelai was keeping her mouth shut this time. She could only hope that when she finally could speak, she wouldn't have to yell . . . or cry.
**********
Friday morning dawned grey and bleak, heavy clouds threatening rain but never quite delivering. A breeze blew steadily giving the normal autumn chill a sharper bite. Rory felt the weather perfectly reflected her mood, and she wasn't at all disappointed by the wintry turn. Dressing for both warmth and comfort, she bundled herself in the biggest, warmest, softest sweater she owned, wrapped a scarf around her neck, settled a matching hat on her head, picked up the gloves and book she'd laid on the kitchen table, and slipped out the back door only moments after Lorelai had left out the front door for the inn.
Rory wandered slowly through town deliberately avoiding the areas that tended to be more populated in the morning. She shuffled down the endless fruit streets and then along the ones sharing names with nuts. Eventually her meanderings brought her to the one place she knew she'd been unconsciously avoiding and the one place she most wanted to visit. The bridge . . . Jess's bridge . . . their bridge.
She stood at the end of the series of wooden planks and took a deep breath before resolutely stepping out and walking to the middle of the bridge and sitting down, feet dangling over the cold dark water. Rory pulled out the book she'd shoved in her back pocket earlier and smoothed the creased cover. The fold in the cardboard and the curve to the pages reminded her of all the books in Jess's expansive collection that looked the same way and brought a bittersweet smile to her face. Her fingers traced over the four letters forming the title of the slim volume. 'Howl.' The first book she and Jess had ever shared, whether she wanted to share it with him or not. Rory opened the book randomly, not reading the text, but instead pouring over the small tidy scrawl filling the margins. She read Jess's notes over and over until they became blurred through the tears in her eyes, and she couldn't see them anymore. Snapping the book shut quickly so the pencil marks wouldn't be smudged by her tears, Rory cried, sobs shaking her until she thought her bones would rattle apart.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, taking some time alone to reevaluate her feelings, but now, after weeks with no contact with Jess, Rory couldn't quite figure out why she'd made that particular decision. She missed him terribly, missed hearing his voice every week, missed hearing what he was up to and sharing what was going on in her life. Sleeping together would have an undeniable impact on their relationship, but no matter what kind of changes it brought it couldn't possibly be as bad as having no relationship at all. They both knew and grudgingly accepted the fact that the distance between them denied any romantic notions they might have toward each other. That had never been disputed, so why then had Rory thought it would be for the best for them not to speak?
"Because you're scared," Rory managed to mutter to herself between sobs. She was scared of the fact that, even after more than a year and thousands of miles, she still loved Jess, and he still felt for her. She was even more afraid of letting that love go and never being able to feel so strongly for anyone else in the future . . . or of even wanting to feel that strongly for another person. If she kept Jess at arms length, not talking to him, it was easier to pretend that they were living in some kind of stasis. If they didn't speak, their relationship didn't change but instead remained exactly where it had been in California.
Rory wiped her eyes and took a shaky breath to quell her tears. "But that's not any way for either of us to live," she said aloud to no one. It was hurting her, hurting Jess, and her lingering pain was starting to leech into the rest of her life, starting to make her depressed and despondent at times. Replacing her book in her pocket, Rory pushed to her feet and dusted herself off. She felt marginally better after finally having a good wrenching cry, but she knew she wouldn't feel completely better until she finally talked to Jess again.
But first she needed a little caffeinated courage.
**********
Coming out from the kitchen, Luke surveyed the diner for the customer that had either entered or left as signaled by the chiming door. He stopped a bit short when he noticed Rory perched delicately on a stool near the register. Her cheeks were pink and her nose red, suggesting that she'd been out in the cold for longer than it took to walk to the diner. Luke pulled a coffee cup down and filled it without asking, setting it before Rory's fingers where they were drumming on the counter.
"Here," he said quietly, nudging the cup closer to her hand when she didn't respond right away.
"Oh," Rory said distractedly, shaking herself a little, "thanks." She took a grateful sip of the hot liquid.
"It's getting colder out there," Luke said absently. He watched Rory drink and noticed that her eyes were rimmed with a red that had nothing to do with the cold.
She sniffled, "Yeah. Maybe we'll get an early snow."
"You and your mom will love that." Rory only nodded at him blankly. Luke spoke again, "I'm not upset that you haven't been in here, you know. I understand."
Rory started in her seat. "I didn't think you were," she said in a rush. "I've just been busy with school and stuff, have a lot on my mind . . . it's not personal."
Luke smiled gently. "I know . . . so does Jess." He sighed when Rory's eyes dropped quickly. "I still talk to him. He's doing okay. He misses you, but he's okay."
"I know," Rory breathed, chancing a glance upward at Luke. "Lily's been writing to me; she tells me how he is."
"Oh." The stilted conversation dropped off being replaced briefly by quiet sipping and distracted counter cleaning. "He might like to be able to tell you how he is himself," Luke mentioned as casually as he could.
Twirling the mostly empty coffee cup on the counter, Rory nodded. "Probably. I'd probably like to hear it from him, too." She drained the cup in one long swallow. "I'm going to call him. We need to talk."
Luke nodded, "Yeah, from what Jess had told me, you really should talk."
Rory's head snapped up, fear naked in her eyes. "From what Jess has told you? What . . . what has he told you?" she asked shakily.
"You know Jess and details," Luke told Rory. "He's just said that things were awkward when you left. He didn't tell me why. I figured you had another fight or something." He watched Rory's eyes close for a few seconds longer than a blink when he said that and wondered not for the first time exactly what had happened between her and his nephew in California.
"Yeah, something," Rory said softly. She tipped her head back in an attempt to keep tears from falling. It was a successful maneuver, and she looked back down at the counter, tracing it's edge with her fingers. A napkin appeared next to her empty coffee cup; she picked it up and blew her nose. "Thanks."
Luke hummed in acknowledgment. "I won't ask what happened. I don't think I want to know anyway."
Rory laughed hollowly. "No, I don't think you do either." She took a deep breath in through her nose and exhaled loudly through her mouth. "Do you . . . um, you wouldn't know what his schedule's like, would you? I mean, I know he's still with Lily on Thursdays, but I don't know when he works or anything like that. I don't want to wait until Thursday; I might chicken out again," Rory admitted.
"I don't know what he does at night, friends or anything like that, but I do know he's probably at home right now," Luke said.
"Oh. Well, that's sooner than I thought." Rory fidgeted, foot tapping against the leg of the stool.
"He doesn't work until ten tomorrow morning; you could catch him then. Or . . ." Luke trailed off, not sure if he should finish his idea.
"Or what?"
"If you really wanted to talk to him now, you could use the phone upstairs."
Rory's eyes widened, "Upstairs? I don't think that . . . I really . . ." she gnawed on her lower lip in thought, "I . . . if it's really all right, then okay. I'd like that."
Luke nodded in the direction of the curtained stairwell. "Go on up. Door's open."
"Thank you, Luke. For everything." Rory dug into her pocket and laid enough money on the counter to cover her coffee. She hesitantly stood, gathered the courage she'd come to the diner for around her like a coat, and made her way up to the apartment.
Pushing open the door, she took a few moments to stand in the doorway and look at the large room she used to spend so much time in. Rory hadn't seen the apartment since all of Jess's stuff had been moved out of it. His side of the room looked empty and more than a little lonely. There were no books on the bed or floor, no CD cases stacked precariously on the small desk. The apartment didn't even smell the same. It used to smell of Jess's cologne and the stuff he put in his hair. Now it just bore the smells coming up from the diner.
Rory sighed and located the phone. She sat at the small kitchen table and looked at the keypad on the phone. She didn't know why; there wasn't anything remarkable about the phone. The buzzing of the dial tone was loud, even with the phone not pressed to her ear, and she took another breath. The keys clicked softly as Rory depressed them, dialing Jess's apartment from memory even though she'd never had a lot of cause to call him there.
The first ring was shrill in her ear, and Rory had to swallow her pulse in her throat in order to be able to speak . . . and she wasn't even sure that that would help.
**********
Jess was slouched low on the lumpy couch. A book was laid open and face down on his chest. He was too lethargic to read; the words just passed through his head without meaning anything. The cause of his fatigue was unclear, but he suspected he was coming down with the cold that Lily had been suffering from for the last week. His throat was scratchy, and a dull throbbing was starting behind his eyes. When the phone rang, the last thing Jess wanted to do was answer it. He shut his eyes and tried to ignore the incoming call, but the shrill bleating of the phone wouldn't let him, and the answering machine wasn't on to take the call for him. Reaching down with a weary sigh, Jess picked up the phone from where it was lying on the floor near his feet.
"Yeah?" he grumbled irritably.
"Um, is this a bad time?" a timid voice asked on the other end of the phone.
Jess sat up like an electric shock and been passed through the couch. The book tumbled from his chest to his lap and then slipped to the floor with a thud. "Rory?"
"Hi," Rory answered. "Are you busy?"
"Not really." Jess waited for Rory to say something else, but she remained silent. "How are you?" he asked when she didn't speak.
"Okay. School's been busy. I've been writing for the paper."
"I know. Lily told me. I read one of the clippings you sent her. It was good."
Rory sounded startled, "Thank you."
Jess started to ask Rory why she'd called, but he was distracted by a crackling in his ear. It was a sound he recognized, but it still struck him as strange. "Where are you calling from?" he asked. He thought he knew, but it would be an unusual place for her to be calling from.
"Luke's," she admitted sheepishly. "How did you know that I wasn't at home or school?"
"Luke's phone makes that static snapping noise once and awhile. Why are you calling me from the apartment?"
Rory made a small squeaking in her throat, revealing her embarrassment. "I ended up having a free day, and I came home for the weekend. I was out walking around, thinking about . . . stuff . . ."
"'Stuff?' I guess I can be called stuff," Jess broke in wryly. "Better than being called shit, I suppose."
"Usually," Rory agreed and then continued with her story. "So I was thinking about stuff, and I ended up at the diner. Luke offered to let me call you from here."
Jess snorted, "There's a whole lot you're leaving out."
"Yes, there is."
"You gonna share it with me?"
The creaking of one of Luke's kitchen chairs preceded Rory's answer. "I'm sorry for putting you through this for the last couple of months."
Settling back into the couch, Jess propped his feet on the low coffee table. "It's not like I didn't do the same thing to you, if not worse."
Rory sighed, sending shivers down Jess's back. "I'm still sorry. Not talking was the wrong way of handling this, Jess. I was wrong when I thought it would be."
He swallowed thickly. "I'm not sure we would have known what to say anyway."
"Do we know what to say now?" she wondered.
"Well, you called me, so I'm thinking you might have some idea."
"I guess," Rory said hesitantly. "What happened between us when I was out there . . ."
Jess sighed wearily, "Can't you even say it, Rory? Just once?" Being with her had been special for him and for her to diminish it by glossing over it, by not naming it, stung him to the bone.
Embarrassment colored her voice, and she stammered and sputtered for almost a full minute before managing an answer. "Okay . . . when we . . . we had s-sex . . ."
"Oh, Rory, don't say it like that," Jess said softly, not intending her to hear him. But she did and gasped indignantly in his ear. He winced, sure that she had misunderstood why he'd said that, and prepared for the coming tirade.
"Well what then?" Rory cried. "You ask me to say it, I do, and then you tell me that it's not right! What is right? I don't know what to do, Jess! I don't know what to do!"
All of the frustration and anger that Jess had been feeling since August boiled over in his chest. "Don't say it like you're ashamed! It wasn't just something that happened, Rory! It meant something to me; you mean something to me!"
"It meant something to me, too!" she snapped back. "That's why this is so hard, Jess!"
"Why? Why is it so hard?" he wanted to know.
"Because I love you, you moron!"
"Great! I love you, too!"
Rory burst into tears. "Don't say that," she whimpered.
"Why not?" Jess growled and kicked the coffee table in frustration. "I thought that was what this was all about?"
"It is, and it isn't," Rory sniffled.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jess was growing more and more confused the longer he talked to Rory. He would've preferred she hadn't called if all she was going to do was throw vague sentences at him and cry.
"You know what it means," she insisted, still weeping softly.
He wanted to put a fist through the wall. "Pretend for a minute I don't."
Rory gulped and took a deep breath. "We've talked about this before. You're in California; I'm in Connecticut. You don't have any desire to come back here, and I am not about to give up Yale. It's just too much distance."
Jess clenched his jaw and blew a loud breath out through his nose. He knew she was right but admitting it was painful for both of them. "So this is it then? We say goodbye, and it's all over?"
"Is that what you want?" Rory sounded horrified at the prospect.
"No, it's not what I want, but I don't know what else there is," Jess told her. "We can't date, I agree with you there, but I can't keep up the weekly phone calls. Not if I'm supposed to get over you."
"There has to be something else," she all but pleaded. "I don't want to completely lose you again."
He sighed and kicked the table again, tipping it over onto it's side with a slide of paper fanning out across the floor. "Then you come up with something, Rory. I can't . . ." Jess trailed off when words suddenly failed him.
"What if we still talked, but only once a month instead of once a week?" Rory asked. "Can we try that for a little while?"
Shoving an angry hand through his hair, Jess groaned, "I don't know. I just . . ." He shifted uncomfortably and fell silent again. Rory's rapid breathing filled his head, and he could tell she was close to breaking down again. "Okay, okay," he relented, "we just . . . I think we have to promise each other that because we both agree we can't be together then we can't get upset or punish each other if either one of us starts seeing someone else."
Rory sucked in a breath though her teeth. "I . . . um . . . that makes sense, I guess. So, yes, I promise."
"I promise," Jess echoed. Hearing the words leave his mouth sent a sharp pain through his chest, but he had to let Rory go if he was ever going to move on. He sat quietly, Rory doing the same, and felt the words they'd just uttered solidify into some kind of barrier between them.
"So," Rory asked eventually, "what have you been doing?"
Jess laughed quietly. "And so it begins," he muttered to himself. Staring down at the book that he'd been pretending to read before Rory called and the loose papers littering the floor on the other side of the overturned table, he smiled wryly. "I've been going to school," he revealed.
"What?"
"Well, you don't have to sound so damn surprised," he barked.
"Sorry," Rory apologized quickly. "I just didn't think that you'd go back."
"Yeah, well. GED courses at a community college lack the charm of Stars Hollow High, but I'm managing somehow," Jess said sarcastically.
Rory let out a small giggle. "But it must be hard. I know how much you liked it there, the bustling social scene and all."
Jess snorted, "Yeah, that's me, Mr. Center of Attention."
"Does this feel false to you?" Rory suddenly blurted out of nowhere.
He was thrown by her question but gave it some consideration. "Not false but a little strange, I suppose."
She made a strange noise of despair. "I just don't know what to do. Five minutes ago we were screaming at each other, and then we . . . broke up? Is that the right phrase? It just seems wrong to be joking when it hurts so much."
"If you want to be upset, you can be upset," Jess told her. "You don't have to pretend to be okay right away if you're not. I'm certainly not all right."
"I'm not okay," Rory admitted, "but I don't want to cry right now. It won't make things any better. I just want you to talk to me like you used to talk to me."
Jess swung his feet up onto the couch and lay back. "Then school is boring, I still think the Marshall Plan is a waste of my time, and I miss my tutor. Though Lily is attempting to take your place."
The smile that stretched onto Rory's face was nearly audible. "Aw, that's so sweet. I can just see her standing over you, spouting off facts and poking you in the arm with a pencil when you don't pay attention."
"That's frighteningly close to what she actually does. She didn't tell you that, did she?" Jess wondered. "Because I asked her not to tell you that I was going to classes."
"She hasn't," Rory assured him. "That's just what I would have done at her age."
"Why am I not surprised," Jess commented. "But, that's what I've been doing when I'm not at work. I go to classes a few times a week, I pay half- assed attention, and I take the tests."
Rory laughed at him. "Well, that's sort of what I do, but I actually pay attention. And I don't really work . . . except for the newspaper."
"From what I've read, you're working very hard there," Jess assured her.
Again she sounded surprised by his compliment. "Thanks. I'm trying to make a good impression."
"I'm sure you are," Jess said, but the longer he talked to Rory the more he realized his heart wasn't in making small conversation with her. "Rory, I think I need to go. I can't do this right now."
"What? Why?" she asked with hurt edging her voice. "Is something wrong?"
Jess tried as hard as he could to not snap at her. "Yeah, something's wrong. When you were here, it was so good to have you around, to see you and be able to touch you again. And that last night . . . I'd dreamt about it, but I never thought you would actually want me to make love to you. But you did, and there isn't any way I can tell you what that meant to me."
"It meant just as much to me, Jess. You have to know that," Rory said quietly.
"If that's true then you have to understand that I can't shift from loving you to being your friend so quickly. I need some time, and I know you do too. No matter how okay you're trying to sound right now, you're hurting just as much as I am," Jess told her, and when she didn't protest, he knew he was right. "I'll call you in a few weeks, I promise that I will, but I have to go now, Rory."
She sighed raggedly, the shakiness of her breathing betraying the easy acceptance she tried to convey in her voice, "Okay, if that's what you need to do." Sighing again, Rory dropped the act briefly. "I'm so sorry, Jess. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
"I know you didn't. Neither did I." He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose trying to fend of his increasing headache. "I call you in a few weeks."
"All right. Bye, Jess."
"Bye, Rory." He waited until she hung up the phone before doing the same. Tossing the phone back on the floor, Jess surveyed the overturned table and the mess that went with it. It could be handled later. His head was pounding, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Dragging himself off of the couch, Jess shambled across the room and collapsed on the bed. The last thought that went through his head before he fell into a fitful sleep was that he wanted to dream of anything that wasn't Rory.
**********
Rory hung up the phone and stood in Luke's small kitchen rubbing her hands up and down her arms. That call didn't exactly go as she'd hoped, but then again, she wasn't sure how she'd really expected it to go anyway. She certainly never thought that Jess would be the one to get emotional and end the call, but everything that he had said had been running through her mind at the same time. He'd just had the guts to actually voice it. Moving slowly, Rory crossed to what was Jess's side of the room and ran her fingers over the edge of the bed. She fought down a wave of heartache, bolted for the door, and forced a smile onto her face before going back into the diner.
Luke stepped out from the kitchen at the sound of Rory's rapid footsteps on the stairs. "Everything okay?" he asked her.
"Sure," Rory said brightly, her false cheer not reaching her eyes. "Thanks for letting me use the phone."
"No problem," Luke said gently. He could see that there was something lurking behind Rory's eyes, something sad. Wanting to say something but deciding not to, he instead asked, "You hungry? Can I get you anything?"
"I think I'm just going to go home," Rory said, some of her smile falling. "Thank you, Luke."
"Don't worry about it. I'll probably see you and your mom tomorrow."
"Probably," she affirmed. Giving Luke a half-hearted wave, Rory pulled her hat and gloves back on, rewound her scarf about her neck, and went back out into the cold afternoon. Her feet knew the way back to the house without her having to give it much thought, and she was grateful for that. She entered through the back door and went straight to her room. Toeing off her shoes and tossing the hat, gloves, and scarf on the floor, Rory collapsed onto the bed. She stared at the still closed blinds on the window until her eyes went blurry, and she did nothing to clear them.
What must have been hours later, the window shade had gone dark, Rory finally refocused herself when she heard her mother calling from the front door.
"I'm in here," Rory called out feebly.
Lorelai appeared in the doorway. "What are you doing in here in the dark?" she asked.
"Brooding," came the sullen reply.
"Sweetie, I thought we agreed not to watch 'Angel' anymore for this very reason." When her daughter failed to respond to her joke, Lorelai became more concerned. "What's wrong?" she asked, edging further into the room. "Did something happen at school?"
Rory flopped over onto her back with a sigh, "No. School is fine."
"Then what's going on?" Lorelai asked as she perched on the arm of Rory's chair.
"I slept with Jess."
Lorelai fell off the chair with a thump. She pushed herself up on her knees and stared at the bed. "I'm sorry, but please tell me I misunderstood that."
"You didn't," Rory said flatly. She turned her head and looked at her mother. "Mom," she said with her chin trembling, "I don't know what to do." With that, she finally burst into the tears she'd been fighting since she hung up with Jess.
Crawling across the floor, Lorelai pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the bed. She lifted Rory and cradled the sobbing girl against her side. "Don't know what to do about what, baby?"
Rory took a couple of gulping breaths, chest shaking with the effort to calm down enough to speak. "It isn't fair! I just want it to be the way it was before!"
"Before what, Rory? Before you went to California, before you slept with him, what?"
"Before Jess left," Rory sniffled. "When he was here and I was allowed to love him." She started crying harder again and curled tighter to Lorelai's side.
Lorelai stroked Rory's hair. "Why can't you love him? Did he say something to you? Did he do something?"
"No, Mom," Rory hiccuped, pushing away from her mother and wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. "Not everything Jess does is designed to hurt me."
"Then why are you sitting here crying like this?" Lorelai was torn between wanting to comfort Rory and find out what was bothering her and wanting to hunt Jess down and rip his spine out through his nose.
Rory pulled a pillow onto her lap and hugged it tightly. "Because he's right, I know he's right, and I don't want him to be," she sighed petulantly.
"Sweetie, I can't help you if you don't give me an answer I can understand," Lorelai said as patiently as she could.
"You can't help me with this anyway, Mom," Rory sighed again. "There's nothing to help. I love Jess, he loves me, and we're too far apart to do anything about it. It's over, it hurts, and I'm sad." Stray tears spilled silently from her eyes. "We don't want to be friends, but it's all we have. And that hurts too."
"Rory, you're not making a lot of sense."
"Neither does life most of the time." Rory turned her head away. "I think I want to be alone a little while longer."
Lorelai stood and rubbed a hand across her forehead to try to ease the tension in her brow. "Okay, but just remember that I'm here for you." Pausing at the bedroom door, Lorelai suddenly gripped the door frame with white knuckles. Without turning, she asked, "Rory, this doesn't have anything to do with . . . you're not . . . there isn't anything else you need to tell me is there?"
Rory gave a short sobbing laugh and looked up at the tense line of her mother's back. She watched it relax marginally as she answered, "No, Mom, nothing else. Jess wore a condom; I've been to the health center on campus. It's all fine."
Giving a brief nod and finally releasing the wall, Lorelai left the room and shut the door behind her. Rory slid back down on the bed and curled around the pillow, drifting slowly off to sleep and wanting only to dream of Jess.
**********
Author's Notes the Second: Next chapter should be better and have more on Jess's feelings about his relationship with Rory. I'll also probably be jumping around some in the timeline as I'm looking to finish this story up soon. Thanks for reading, and review if you've got the time.
And not that anyone will notice, but I've switched from using Jess' as a possessive to using Jess's, because I have been informed that the latter is correct and only Jesus and Moses get away without the s after the apostrophe. You learn something everyday.
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot and a few original characters. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but the only thing I'm borrowing from Season 4 is Rory's haircut. Any other similarities are purely coincidence. Chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I do not own those either.
**********
Chapter Thirteen: Next Day I Just Wouldn't Know
October 2004
Rory pulled up to the house late Thursday afternoon. Her Friday classes had all been canceled through some peculiar stroke of fate, so she'd decided to head home for a long weekend in Stars Hollow. As she shut off the engine of her car, she looked up at the house and smiled. She hadn't really been home this semester except to do laundry. This unplanned visit home might be exactly what she needed to unwind a little from the increasing stress at Yale.
It also might help her actually address what had happened in California at the end of the summer. She still thought about Jess, especially on Thursday nights, but she could find plenty of distractions at school to keep from really thinking about what had occurred and what it meant. Some time back in Stars Hollow, with plenty of places to be alone, would offer Rory time to think seriously about Jess and their relationship . . . if they even still had one.
The laundry bags were heavy, and Rory dropped them gratefully in the entry way. It was too early for her mother to be home from the inn which was finally nearing completion. Shedding her jacket, Rory wandered into the kitchen looking for something to eat. She hit paydirt with some pizza in the refrigerator that didn't look or smell too old. With a stop off in her room to pick up a book that had nothing to do with school, Rory went back to the living room, settled into the couch, and promptly forgot about everything else in her life until a bang sounded from the front door.
"Hey!" Lorelai cried out. "I didn't tell the Laundry Fairy she could use this place as a rest stop."
Rory knelt up on the sofa. "Surprise."
Lorelai faked a shocked expression. "What are you doing here? Did Yale burn down?"
"No, but I did suddenly find myself with a free Friday tomorrow, and I thought I'd come spend it with my mommy."
"Well, I'm honored to rate such attention from such an important person," Lorelai said, rounding the couch to pull Rory into a hug. "Okay, a little less honored now that I know you've eaten all the pizza."
Shrugging, Rory pulled her mother down onto the couch. "You've got every take out place within twenty miles on the speed dial. You can get more pizza."
"Technically, I can get another daughter, too," Lorelai teased.
"Not one as good as me," Rory protested.
"You're probably right."
"How're things at the inn?"
"Better than great! I can't believe it's taken this long to get it all finished though."
"Well," Rory reasoned, "the broken pipes flooding the kitchen and the end of the porch falling off probably set you back a little."
Lorelai shrugged and nodded. "Probably. Anyway, the painters are coming next week, the horses seem to be settling in, and the electrician finally fixed all the crossed switches."
Rory clapped her hands giddily. "No more going into the hallway to turn on the bathroom lights? Yay!"
Lorelai bounced, "I know. It's really working! I think we need to celebrate. Burgers at Luke's and ice cream from Taylor's."
Her good mood dwindled almost instantly. "Or we could just order in and have a movie night," Rory suggested feebly.
"Whoa, okay, you have to tell me when you're going to switch moods that fast, so I can put on my seatbelt," Lorelai said, holding her daughter at arms length and searching her face. "Why don't you want to go out?"
Rory shifted uncomfortably. If she admitted she didn't want to go to Luke's, she would have to admit she was currently avoiding all things even remotely connected to Jess. And if she told her mother that, she would have to tell her mother why. Rory didn't think either one of them was ready for that. "I missed you so, so much, and I don't want to share you with anyone?" she tried to respond.
Her mother scoffed. "Nice try, sweets, but Luke's been asking me how you are a lot. I know you haven't been talking to him. I had thought it was just because you were really busy, but maybe it's something else?" Lorelai asked.
Squirming, Rory pulled away and retreated to the other end of the couch. "If I tell you that there is something that's bothering me, can you accept the fact that I still have to sort it out inside my head some more before I can talk about it?"
"But when you're ready to talk about it, you'll come to me and not someone else?" Lorelai asked, clearly remembering Rory's confiding in Luke instead of her after Jess's departure over two years ago.
"I will," Rory assured her mother, even if, in her head, she was dreading that conversation. "I promise."
"Okay, then," Lorelai nodded, "I'll run out for movies and ice cream, and you call for food. Anything but Sandeep's."
"Thanks, Mom," Rory sighed in relief and hugged Lorelai tightly. Then she skipped off toward the kitchen and the take-out drawer with a bright smile on her face.
As Lorelai watched Rory disappear, she couldn't help but notice that the smile was false and solely for her benefit. However, as much as she wanted to say something, she had learned her lesson before about making a judgment without having all of facts and knowing what Rory was thinking, so Lorelai was keeping her mouth shut this time. She could only hope that when she finally could speak, she wouldn't have to yell . . . or cry.
**********
Friday morning dawned grey and bleak, heavy clouds threatening rain but never quite delivering. A breeze blew steadily giving the normal autumn chill a sharper bite. Rory felt the weather perfectly reflected her mood, and she wasn't at all disappointed by the wintry turn. Dressing for both warmth and comfort, she bundled herself in the biggest, warmest, softest sweater she owned, wrapped a scarf around her neck, settled a matching hat on her head, picked up the gloves and book she'd laid on the kitchen table, and slipped out the back door only moments after Lorelai had left out the front door for the inn.
Rory wandered slowly through town deliberately avoiding the areas that tended to be more populated in the morning. She shuffled down the endless fruit streets and then along the ones sharing names with nuts. Eventually her meanderings brought her to the one place she knew she'd been unconsciously avoiding and the one place she most wanted to visit. The bridge . . . Jess's bridge . . . their bridge.
She stood at the end of the series of wooden planks and took a deep breath before resolutely stepping out and walking to the middle of the bridge and sitting down, feet dangling over the cold dark water. Rory pulled out the book she'd shoved in her back pocket earlier and smoothed the creased cover. The fold in the cardboard and the curve to the pages reminded her of all the books in Jess's expansive collection that looked the same way and brought a bittersweet smile to her face. Her fingers traced over the four letters forming the title of the slim volume. 'Howl.' The first book she and Jess had ever shared, whether she wanted to share it with him or not. Rory opened the book randomly, not reading the text, but instead pouring over the small tidy scrawl filling the margins. She read Jess's notes over and over until they became blurred through the tears in her eyes, and she couldn't see them anymore. Snapping the book shut quickly so the pencil marks wouldn't be smudged by her tears, Rory cried, sobs shaking her until she thought her bones would rattle apart.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, taking some time alone to reevaluate her feelings, but now, after weeks with no contact with Jess, Rory couldn't quite figure out why she'd made that particular decision. She missed him terribly, missed hearing his voice every week, missed hearing what he was up to and sharing what was going on in her life. Sleeping together would have an undeniable impact on their relationship, but no matter what kind of changes it brought it couldn't possibly be as bad as having no relationship at all. They both knew and grudgingly accepted the fact that the distance between them denied any romantic notions they might have toward each other. That had never been disputed, so why then had Rory thought it would be for the best for them not to speak?
"Because you're scared," Rory managed to mutter to herself between sobs. She was scared of the fact that, even after more than a year and thousands of miles, she still loved Jess, and he still felt for her. She was even more afraid of letting that love go and never being able to feel so strongly for anyone else in the future . . . or of even wanting to feel that strongly for another person. If she kept Jess at arms length, not talking to him, it was easier to pretend that they were living in some kind of stasis. If they didn't speak, their relationship didn't change but instead remained exactly where it had been in California.
Rory wiped her eyes and took a shaky breath to quell her tears. "But that's not any way for either of us to live," she said aloud to no one. It was hurting her, hurting Jess, and her lingering pain was starting to leech into the rest of her life, starting to make her depressed and despondent at times. Replacing her book in her pocket, Rory pushed to her feet and dusted herself off. She felt marginally better after finally having a good wrenching cry, but she knew she wouldn't feel completely better until she finally talked to Jess again.
But first she needed a little caffeinated courage.
**********
Coming out from the kitchen, Luke surveyed the diner for the customer that had either entered or left as signaled by the chiming door. He stopped a bit short when he noticed Rory perched delicately on a stool near the register. Her cheeks were pink and her nose red, suggesting that she'd been out in the cold for longer than it took to walk to the diner. Luke pulled a coffee cup down and filled it without asking, setting it before Rory's fingers where they were drumming on the counter.
"Here," he said quietly, nudging the cup closer to her hand when she didn't respond right away.
"Oh," Rory said distractedly, shaking herself a little, "thanks." She took a grateful sip of the hot liquid.
"It's getting colder out there," Luke said absently. He watched Rory drink and noticed that her eyes were rimmed with a red that had nothing to do with the cold.
She sniffled, "Yeah. Maybe we'll get an early snow."
"You and your mom will love that." Rory only nodded at him blankly. Luke spoke again, "I'm not upset that you haven't been in here, you know. I understand."
Rory started in her seat. "I didn't think you were," she said in a rush. "I've just been busy with school and stuff, have a lot on my mind . . . it's not personal."
Luke smiled gently. "I know . . . so does Jess." He sighed when Rory's eyes dropped quickly. "I still talk to him. He's doing okay. He misses you, but he's okay."
"I know," Rory breathed, chancing a glance upward at Luke. "Lily's been writing to me; she tells me how he is."
"Oh." The stilted conversation dropped off being replaced briefly by quiet sipping and distracted counter cleaning. "He might like to be able to tell you how he is himself," Luke mentioned as casually as he could.
Twirling the mostly empty coffee cup on the counter, Rory nodded. "Probably. I'd probably like to hear it from him, too." She drained the cup in one long swallow. "I'm going to call him. We need to talk."
Luke nodded, "Yeah, from what Jess had told me, you really should talk."
Rory's head snapped up, fear naked in her eyes. "From what Jess has told you? What . . . what has he told you?" she asked shakily.
"You know Jess and details," Luke told Rory. "He's just said that things were awkward when you left. He didn't tell me why. I figured you had another fight or something." He watched Rory's eyes close for a few seconds longer than a blink when he said that and wondered not for the first time exactly what had happened between her and his nephew in California.
"Yeah, something," Rory said softly. She tipped her head back in an attempt to keep tears from falling. It was a successful maneuver, and she looked back down at the counter, tracing it's edge with her fingers. A napkin appeared next to her empty coffee cup; she picked it up and blew her nose. "Thanks."
Luke hummed in acknowledgment. "I won't ask what happened. I don't think I want to know anyway."
Rory laughed hollowly. "No, I don't think you do either." She took a deep breath in through her nose and exhaled loudly through her mouth. "Do you . . . um, you wouldn't know what his schedule's like, would you? I mean, I know he's still with Lily on Thursdays, but I don't know when he works or anything like that. I don't want to wait until Thursday; I might chicken out again," Rory admitted.
"I don't know what he does at night, friends or anything like that, but I do know he's probably at home right now," Luke said.
"Oh. Well, that's sooner than I thought." Rory fidgeted, foot tapping against the leg of the stool.
"He doesn't work until ten tomorrow morning; you could catch him then. Or . . ." Luke trailed off, not sure if he should finish his idea.
"Or what?"
"If you really wanted to talk to him now, you could use the phone upstairs."
Rory's eyes widened, "Upstairs? I don't think that . . . I really . . ." she gnawed on her lower lip in thought, "I . . . if it's really all right, then okay. I'd like that."
Luke nodded in the direction of the curtained stairwell. "Go on up. Door's open."
"Thank you, Luke. For everything." Rory dug into her pocket and laid enough money on the counter to cover her coffee. She hesitantly stood, gathered the courage she'd come to the diner for around her like a coat, and made her way up to the apartment.
Pushing open the door, she took a few moments to stand in the doorway and look at the large room she used to spend so much time in. Rory hadn't seen the apartment since all of Jess's stuff had been moved out of it. His side of the room looked empty and more than a little lonely. There were no books on the bed or floor, no CD cases stacked precariously on the small desk. The apartment didn't even smell the same. It used to smell of Jess's cologne and the stuff he put in his hair. Now it just bore the smells coming up from the diner.
Rory sighed and located the phone. She sat at the small kitchen table and looked at the keypad on the phone. She didn't know why; there wasn't anything remarkable about the phone. The buzzing of the dial tone was loud, even with the phone not pressed to her ear, and she took another breath. The keys clicked softly as Rory depressed them, dialing Jess's apartment from memory even though she'd never had a lot of cause to call him there.
The first ring was shrill in her ear, and Rory had to swallow her pulse in her throat in order to be able to speak . . . and she wasn't even sure that that would help.
**********
Jess was slouched low on the lumpy couch. A book was laid open and face down on his chest. He was too lethargic to read; the words just passed through his head without meaning anything. The cause of his fatigue was unclear, but he suspected he was coming down with the cold that Lily had been suffering from for the last week. His throat was scratchy, and a dull throbbing was starting behind his eyes. When the phone rang, the last thing Jess wanted to do was answer it. He shut his eyes and tried to ignore the incoming call, but the shrill bleating of the phone wouldn't let him, and the answering machine wasn't on to take the call for him. Reaching down with a weary sigh, Jess picked up the phone from where it was lying on the floor near his feet.
"Yeah?" he grumbled irritably.
"Um, is this a bad time?" a timid voice asked on the other end of the phone.
Jess sat up like an electric shock and been passed through the couch. The book tumbled from his chest to his lap and then slipped to the floor with a thud. "Rory?"
"Hi," Rory answered. "Are you busy?"
"Not really." Jess waited for Rory to say something else, but she remained silent. "How are you?" he asked when she didn't speak.
"Okay. School's been busy. I've been writing for the paper."
"I know. Lily told me. I read one of the clippings you sent her. It was good."
Rory sounded startled, "Thank you."
Jess started to ask Rory why she'd called, but he was distracted by a crackling in his ear. It was a sound he recognized, but it still struck him as strange. "Where are you calling from?" he asked. He thought he knew, but it would be an unusual place for her to be calling from.
"Luke's," she admitted sheepishly. "How did you know that I wasn't at home or school?"
"Luke's phone makes that static snapping noise once and awhile. Why are you calling me from the apartment?"
Rory made a small squeaking in her throat, revealing her embarrassment. "I ended up having a free day, and I came home for the weekend. I was out walking around, thinking about . . . stuff . . ."
"'Stuff?' I guess I can be called stuff," Jess broke in wryly. "Better than being called shit, I suppose."
"Usually," Rory agreed and then continued with her story. "So I was thinking about stuff, and I ended up at the diner. Luke offered to let me call you from here."
Jess snorted, "There's a whole lot you're leaving out."
"Yes, there is."
"You gonna share it with me?"
The creaking of one of Luke's kitchen chairs preceded Rory's answer. "I'm sorry for putting you through this for the last couple of months."
Settling back into the couch, Jess propped his feet on the low coffee table. "It's not like I didn't do the same thing to you, if not worse."
Rory sighed, sending shivers down Jess's back. "I'm still sorry. Not talking was the wrong way of handling this, Jess. I was wrong when I thought it would be."
He swallowed thickly. "I'm not sure we would have known what to say anyway."
"Do we know what to say now?" she wondered.
"Well, you called me, so I'm thinking you might have some idea."
"I guess," Rory said hesitantly. "What happened between us when I was out there . . ."
Jess sighed wearily, "Can't you even say it, Rory? Just once?" Being with her had been special for him and for her to diminish it by glossing over it, by not naming it, stung him to the bone.
Embarrassment colored her voice, and she stammered and sputtered for almost a full minute before managing an answer. "Okay . . . when we . . . we had s-sex . . ."
"Oh, Rory, don't say it like that," Jess said softly, not intending her to hear him. But she did and gasped indignantly in his ear. He winced, sure that she had misunderstood why he'd said that, and prepared for the coming tirade.
"Well what then?" Rory cried. "You ask me to say it, I do, and then you tell me that it's not right! What is right? I don't know what to do, Jess! I don't know what to do!"
All of the frustration and anger that Jess had been feeling since August boiled over in his chest. "Don't say it like you're ashamed! It wasn't just something that happened, Rory! It meant something to me; you mean something to me!"
"It meant something to me, too!" she snapped back. "That's why this is so hard, Jess!"
"Why? Why is it so hard?" he wanted to know.
"Because I love you, you moron!"
"Great! I love you, too!"
Rory burst into tears. "Don't say that," she whimpered.
"Why not?" Jess growled and kicked the coffee table in frustration. "I thought that was what this was all about?"
"It is, and it isn't," Rory sniffled.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jess was growing more and more confused the longer he talked to Rory. He would've preferred she hadn't called if all she was going to do was throw vague sentences at him and cry.
"You know what it means," she insisted, still weeping softly.
He wanted to put a fist through the wall. "Pretend for a minute I don't."
Rory gulped and took a deep breath. "We've talked about this before. You're in California; I'm in Connecticut. You don't have any desire to come back here, and I am not about to give up Yale. It's just too much distance."
Jess clenched his jaw and blew a loud breath out through his nose. He knew she was right but admitting it was painful for both of them. "So this is it then? We say goodbye, and it's all over?"
"Is that what you want?" Rory sounded horrified at the prospect.
"No, it's not what I want, but I don't know what else there is," Jess told her. "We can't date, I agree with you there, but I can't keep up the weekly phone calls. Not if I'm supposed to get over you."
"There has to be something else," she all but pleaded. "I don't want to completely lose you again."
He sighed and kicked the table again, tipping it over onto it's side with a slide of paper fanning out across the floor. "Then you come up with something, Rory. I can't . . ." Jess trailed off when words suddenly failed him.
"What if we still talked, but only once a month instead of once a week?" Rory asked. "Can we try that for a little while?"
Shoving an angry hand through his hair, Jess groaned, "I don't know. I just . . ." He shifted uncomfortably and fell silent again. Rory's rapid breathing filled his head, and he could tell she was close to breaking down again. "Okay, okay," he relented, "we just . . . I think we have to promise each other that because we both agree we can't be together then we can't get upset or punish each other if either one of us starts seeing someone else."
Rory sucked in a breath though her teeth. "I . . . um . . . that makes sense, I guess. So, yes, I promise."
"I promise," Jess echoed. Hearing the words leave his mouth sent a sharp pain through his chest, but he had to let Rory go if he was ever going to move on. He sat quietly, Rory doing the same, and felt the words they'd just uttered solidify into some kind of barrier between them.
"So," Rory asked eventually, "what have you been doing?"
Jess laughed quietly. "And so it begins," he muttered to himself. Staring down at the book that he'd been pretending to read before Rory called and the loose papers littering the floor on the other side of the overturned table, he smiled wryly. "I've been going to school," he revealed.
"What?"
"Well, you don't have to sound so damn surprised," he barked.
"Sorry," Rory apologized quickly. "I just didn't think that you'd go back."
"Yeah, well. GED courses at a community college lack the charm of Stars Hollow High, but I'm managing somehow," Jess said sarcastically.
Rory let out a small giggle. "But it must be hard. I know how much you liked it there, the bustling social scene and all."
Jess snorted, "Yeah, that's me, Mr. Center of Attention."
"Does this feel false to you?" Rory suddenly blurted out of nowhere.
He was thrown by her question but gave it some consideration. "Not false but a little strange, I suppose."
She made a strange noise of despair. "I just don't know what to do. Five minutes ago we were screaming at each other, and then we . . . broke up? Is that the right phrase? It just seems wrong to be joking when it hurts so much."
"If you want to be upset, you can be upset," Jess told her. "You don't have to pretend to be okay right away if you're not. I'm certainly not all right."
"I'm not okay," Rory admitted, "but I don't want to cry right now. It won't make things any better. I just want you to talk to me like you used to talk to me."
Jess swung his feet up onto the couch and lay back. "Then school is boring, I still think the Marshall Plan is a waste of my time, and I miss my tutor. Though Lily is attempting to take your place."
The smile that stretched onto Rory's face was nearly audible. "Aw, that's so sweet. I can just see her standing over you, spouting off facts and poking you in the arm with a pencil when you don't pay attention."
"That's frighteningly close to what she actually does. She didn't tell you that, did she?" Jess wondered. "Because I asked her not to tell you that I was going to classes."
"She hasn't," Rory assured him. "That's just what I would have done at her age."
"Why am I not surprised," Jess commented. "But, that's what I've been doing when I'm not at work. I go to classes a few times a week, I pay half- assed attention, and I take the tests."
Rory laughed at him. "Well, that's sort of what I do, but I actually pay attention. And I don't really work . . . except for the newspaper."
"From what I've read, you're working very hard there," Jess assured her.
Again she sounded surprised by his compliment. "Thanks. I'm trying to make a good impression."
"I'm sure you are," Jess said, but the longer he talked to Rory the more he realized his heart wasn't in making small conversation with her. "Rory, I think I need to go. I can't do this right now."
"What? Why?" she asked with hurt edging her voice. "Is something wrong?"
Jess tried as hard as he could to not snap at her. "Yeah, something's wrong. When you were here, it was so good to have you around, to see you and be able to touch you again. And that last night . . . I'd dreamt about it, but I never thought you would actually want me to make love to you. But you did, and there isn't any way I can tell you what that meant to me."
"It meant just as much to me, Jess. You have to know that," Rory said quietly.
"If that's true then you have to understand that I can't shift from loving you to being your friend so quickly. I need some time, and I know you do too. No matter how okay you're trying to sound right now, you're hurting just as much as I am," Jess told her, and when she didn't protest, he knew he was right. "I'll call you in a few weeks, I promise that I will, but I have to go now, Rory."
She sighed raggedly, the shakiness of her breathing betraying the easy acceptance she tried to convey in her voice, "Okay, if that's what you need to do." Sighing again, Rory dropped the act briefly. "I'm so sorry, Jess. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
"I know you didn't. Neither did I." He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose trying to fend of his increasing headache. "I call you in a few weeks."
"All right. Bye, Jess."
"Bye, Rory." He waited until she hung up the phone before doing the same. Tossing the phone back on the floor, Jess surveyed the overturned table and the mess that went with it. It could be handled later. His head was pounding, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Dragging himself off of the couch, Jess shambled across the room and collapsed on the bed. The last thought that went through his head before he fell into a fitful sleep was that he wanted to dream of anything that wasn't Rory.
**********
Rory hung up the phone and stood in Luke's small kitchen rubbing her hands up and down her arms. That call didn't exactly go as she'd hoped, but then again, she wasn't sure how she'd really expected it to go anyway. She certainly never thought that Jess would be the one to get emotional and end the call, but everything that he had said had been running through her mind at the same time. He'd just had the guts to actually voice it. Moving slowly, Rory crossed to what was Jess's side of the room and ran her fingers over the edge of the bed. She fought down a wave of heartache, bolted for the door, and forced a smile onto her face before going back into the diner.
Luke stepped out from the kitchen at the sound of Rory's rapid footsteps on the stairs. "Everything okay?" he asked her.
"Sure," Rory said brightly, her false cheer not reaching her eyes. "Thanks for letting me use the phone."
"No problem," Luke said gently. He could see that there was something lurking behind Rory's eyes, something sad. Wanting to say something but deciding not to, he instead asked, "You hungry? Can I get you anything?"
"I think I'm just going to go home," Rory said, some of her smile falling. "Thank you, Luke."
"Don't worry about it. I'll probably see you and your mom tomorrow."
"Probably," she affirmed. Giving Luke a half-hearted wave, Rory pulled her hat and gloves back on, rewound her scarf about her neck, and went back out into the cold afternoon. Her feet knew the way back to the house without her having to give it much thought, and she was grateful for that. She entered through the back door and went straight to her room. Toeing off her shoes and tossing the hat, gloves, and scarf on the floor, Rory collapsed onto the bed. She stared at the still closed blinds on the window until her eyes went blurry, and she did nothing to clear them.
What must have been hours later, the window shade had gone dark, Rory finally refocused herself when she heard her mother calling from the front door.
"I'm in here," Rory called out feebly.
Lorelai appeared in the doorway. "What are you doing in here in the dark?" she asked.
"Brooding," came the sullen reply.
"Sweetie, I thought we agreed not to watch 'Angel' anymore for this very reason." When her daughter failed to respond to her joke, Lorelai became more concerned. "What's wrong?" she asked, edging further into the room. "Did something happen at school?"
Rory flopped over onto her back with a sigh, "No. School is fine."
"Then what's going on?" Lorelai asked as she perched on the arm of Rory's chair.
"I slept with Jess."
Lorelai fell off the chair with a thump. She pushed herself up on her knees and stared at the bed. "I'm sorry, but please tell me I misunderstood that."
"You didn't," Rory said flatly. She turned her head and looked at her mother. "Mom," she said with her chin trembling, "I don't know what to do." With that, she finally burst into the tears she'd been fighting since she hung up with Jess.
Crawling across the floor, Lorelai pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the bed. She lifted Rory and cradled the sobbing girl against her side. "Don't know what to do about what, baby?"
Rory took a couple of gulping breaths, chest shaking with the effort to calm down enough to speak. "It isn't fair! I just want it to be the way it was before!"
"Before what, Rory? Before you went to California, before you slept with him, what?"
"Before Jess left," Rory sniffled. "When he was here and I was allowed to love him." She started crying harder again and curled tighter to Lorelai's side.
Lorelai stroked Rory's hair. "Why can't you love him? Did he say something to you? Did he do something?"
"No, Mom," Rory hiccuped, pushing away from her mother and wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. "Not everything Jess does is designed to hurt me."
"Then why are you sitting here crying like this?" Lorelai was torn between wanting to comfort Rory and find out what was bothering her and wanting to hunt Jess down and rip his spine out through his nose.
Rory pulled a pillow onto her lap and hugged it tightly. "Because he's right, I know he's right, and I don't want him to be," she sighed petulantly.
"Sweetie, I can't help you if you don't give me an answer I can understand," Lorelai said as patiently as she could.
"You can't help me with this anyway, Mom," Rory sighed again. "There's nothing to help. I love Jess, he loves me, and we're too far apart to do anything about it. It's over, it hurts, and I'm sad." Stray tears spilled silently from her eyes. "We don't want to be friends, but it's all we have. And that hurts too."
"Rory, you're not making a lot of sense."
"Neither does life most of the time." Rory turned her head away. "I think I want to be alone a little while longer."
Lorelai stood and rubbed a hand across her forehead to try to ease the tension in her brow. "Okay, but just remember that I'm here for you." Pausing at the bedroom door, Lorelai suddenly gripped the door frame with white knuckles. Without turning, she asked, "Rory, this doesn't have anything to do with . . . you're not . . . there isn't anything else you need to tell me is there?"
Rory gave a short sobbing laugh and looked up at the tense line of her mother's back. She watched it relax marginally as she answered, "No, Mom, nothing else. Jess wore a condom; I've been to the health center on campus. It's all fine."
Giving a brief nod and finally releasing the wall, Lorelai left the room and shut the door behind her. Rory slid back down on the bed and curled around the pillow, drifting slowly off to sleep and wanting only to dream of Jess.
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Author's Notes the Second: Next chapter should be better and have more on Jess's feelings about his relationship with Rory. I'll also probably be jumping around some in the timeline as I'm looking to finish this story up soon. Thanks for reading, and review if you've got the time.