I made a small allusion to Jess's final episode of S4. If you've not
seen the episode and know nothing about it, it likely won't be
noticeable. More notes at end.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls. The chapter title is paraphrased song lyrics from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. If it's not recognizable from the show, well, that I own.
Chapter Eighteen: Saw You Dancing All Alone
October 2006
Rory sighed contentedly and curled deeper into Sigmund's side. They were camped on the couch in his apartment watching a Kevin Bacon movie marathon. She loved lazy afternoons like this, gloomy Saturdays spent together in front of the television. Or at least she loved them until his hands started to wander toward places she wasn't comfortable with him touching . . . like they were doing now.
"Don't," she said quietly, brushing his hand off of the inside of her thigh.
Sigmund exhaled sharply but complied. He sat quietly next to her for about ten minutes, but then his hand trailed up her leg again, and he nuzzled behind her ear. His other hand started to slip up her ribcage.
Rory jerked and pushed him away, rising to her feet and stepping away from the couch. "I told you not to do that," she snapped. "Why can't we just sit together anymore without you pawing at me?"
"All we ever do is sit together," Sigmund protested. "Why won't you let me touch you?"
"I . . . I'm just not ready. It's not right," she told him. "I just can't."
He sighed and leaned his head on the back of the couch. "We've been together for, like, a year. Are you ever going to be ready for me to touch you?"
"I don't know," Rory mumbled, kicking at the dingy shag carpeting. "It's complicated."
"Why is it complicated?" he asked. "Are you scared? 'Cause you don't have to be. I'll be careful with you; it doesn't have to hurt."
It took her a few moments to figure out what he meant, and then she felt horribly guilty. "Oh, you think that . . . I guess I haven't talked about . . ." she trailed off, reluctant to finish. She'd mentioned Jess to Sigmund only in passing, painting her relationship with Jess merely as a long-distance friendship, and she was frightened to reveal the true nature of her feelings. The rumble of Sigmund's voice brought her out of her fretful thoughts and back into the situation at hand.
"What haven't you talked about?" he asked carefully, shaking his platinum hair out of his eyes as he walked forward and took her by the shoulders. "What are you trying to say?"
The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, and Rory cringed when they hit her own ears. "I'm not a virgin."
Sigmund's eyes betrayed his surprise for the briefest moment, but he hid it quickly and steered Rory back to the couch. He sat her down and carefully knelt in front of her on the floor. "It's okay. Did something happen? Did someone do something to you? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Were you . . . ?"
Rory's eyes fluttered shut at his overflowing concern, and she shook her head quickly. "No, no it wasn't like that." She reached out and rested a hand on Sigmund's shoulder. "Do you remember me talking about my friend Jess sometimes?"
"Yes," was the simple answer. Sigmund urged her on with a nod of his head.
"Jess and I . . . we used to be more than friends when we were in high school."
Relief flooded Sigmund's bright green eyes, and he sat back on his heels. "And the two of you slept together. Well, all right. That's . . . that's far less serious than I thought."
"That's not quite what happened," Rory told him. "In high school, Jess was different from what I was used to, more rebellious, darker."
"So you fell for the bad boy," Sigmund laughed. "Happens to a lot of girls. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"I'm not embarrassed," she defended. "Just let me finish. We fought a lot, Jess and I, mostly about him keeping secrets and me sometimes expecting him to be something he wasn't. Anyway, he took off after one of our arguments . . . he got into a fist fight with my ex-boyfriend and a couple of days later he just up and left without saying a word."
Sigmund sat down hard on the floor, looking up at Rory with his eyebrows raised. "And you're still friends with this guy because?
"Because six months after he disappeared he sent me a letter telling me that he loved me. And, as much as I was hurt, I loved him too, so we started talking again. Well, mostly yelling at first, but eventually talking, and that following summer I went to visit him. That's when we slept together."
"Okay, let me see if I've got this straight," Sigmund said with a bewildered blink. "You and Jess dated in high school, he ran off but got in touch with you months later to tell you he was in love with you, and you still loved him. You became friends again, went to visit him, and went to bed with him?"
Rory blushed and shrugged a shoulder. "That's the really short version, yes."
"And now you're still friends?
"Yes."
"I'm still not seeing what this has to do with us being together," Sigmund said, "unless. . . are you still in love with him? Is that why you won't let me touch you?"
Rory held her breath and gnawed at her lower lip for a moment, but that hesitation was enough of a conformation for Sigmund.
"You are," he said quietly. "You're still in love with him."
"I-I don't know for sure if I am or not, but those feelings are still there. I haven't seen him in years . . . it's so confusing. Sig, I didn't mean for you to get pulled so far into the middle of this," she said earnestly. "I really didn't."
Sigmund pushed to his feet and started pacing around the room. "If you're in love with another guy, why would you go out with me in the first place, much less stick around for as long as you have?"
"It's going to sound horrible, even more horrible than it already does, but it was sort of Jess's idea. I didn't really want to, but he and I are just so far apart. He thought it would be easier if we saw other people," Rory said sheepishly, realizing how hurtful it must sound to be told you're a placeholder.
"And he's seeing someone else too?"
"He was. She broke up with him and left town in January. He hasn't really been seeing anyone since then."
Halting his continuous passes around the room, Sigmund faced Rory again. "Okay, this is a lot to take in. I need to ask you to leave, so I can think about this."
Rory got up and took half a step toward Sigmund, but stopped when he recoiled. "Sure, I understand. I'm just so so sorry."
"I'm sure you are," he said, waving toward the door. "Just go."
Nodding sadly, Rory left the apartment quietly and walked slowly down to her car. The ignition turned over solidly, and she found herself driving blindly toward Stars Hollow. She pulled up to the house but sat in the car for a long moment watching the light of the television flicker through the living room windows and illuminate the dusky porch. With a sigh, Rory shut off the car and made her way to the front door. It was unlocked as always, and she stumbled in gracelessly.
"Mom," she called feebly, "where are you?"
"Upstairs!" Lorelai called out. "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you tonight!"
Rory climbed the stairs slowly and turned into her mother's bedroom to find Lorelai half buried in the bottom of the closet. Sighing weightily, Rory toed off her shoes and collapsed face down on the bed.
Lorelai continued to speak without turning around. "Babe, you haven't seen my strappy black shoes with the sparkly, red, heart-shaped buckles have you? I told Patty I'd lend them to the fall dance recital."
"Mom," Rory said again weakly.
This time Lorelai backed out of the closet on all fours and turned quickly. "Sweetie? What's wrong?" She crawled over to the side of the bed and brushed Rory's hair out of her face. "What happened?"
"I'm an awful, awful excuse for a human being," Rory said shakily, tears spilling down her cheeks.
"Oh, hun, no you're not. What makes you say that?"
Rory sat up and wiped her eyes and slid to the floor to sit next to her mother. "I was at Sigmund's watching movies, and he started to . . . you know."
"I can imagine," Lorelai said dryly. "I really don't want to, but I can imagine."
"And I said to stop," Rory continued, ignoring Lorelai's tone, "so he did. But then he started again, and I said I didn't want to, that I couldn't. He wanted to know why, and all this stuff about Jess just started pouring out."
"What stuff about Jess?" Lorelai asked.
"All of it," Rory wailed. "Everything about us dating, him leaving, going to visit him and sleeping with him, still possibly being in love with him . . . all of it."
Lorelai sighed but reached out to hug her daughter. "What happened after that? What did Sig say?"
"That's the worst part," Rory said with a sniffle. "He was really calm. I mean, he asked why I didn't tell him sooner and why I stayed with him if I still had feelings for Jess, but Sigmund never yelled. Even when he told me to leave, he was so polite."
"Well, he's a sweet boy," was all Lorelai could think to say. She winced when it set off Rory's tears again.
"He is sweet!" Rory sobbed. "He's sweet, and he cares about me, and I think I broke his heart!"
Lorelai didn't have an answer, but she did have a question. "At the risk of not sounding supportive, why didn't you tell Sigmund about Jess sooner?"
Rory pushed away from her mother and shoved her hands though her hair. "I don't know. When I got his number from Grandma I think I did it just so Jess would shut up about seeing someone else and to get back at him for moving on. But then Sigmund was really nice, and we had fun together . . . so I thought I'd just see what happened. If nothing else we could be friends."
"But Sig didn't just want to be friends with you. You had to notice that pretty quickly, Rory."
"I did," she sighed. "I just didn't know how to tell him, and then I started to have feelings for him. Not love, but I cared and didn't want to see him hurt."
"Especially if you were the one doing the hurting." Lorelai looked at Rory's teary face and debated if she should say what was on her mind. Discretion lost the battle. "It's a little like Dean all over again, isn't it."
Rory stared at her mother with wide eyes. "Oh. My. God. What is wrong with me?! Why do I keep doing this?!"
"I don't know, babe." Lorelai swallowed and proceeded with caution, more out of her own conflicting emotions over what she was about to say rather that a worry about upsetting Rory further. "Both your relationship with Dean and with Sig crumbled over Jess. Maybe it's less than a pattern of behavior and more . . . I don't know, fate trying to make sure you end up with the right guy."
"Mom, I think that's the corniest thing you've ever said to me."
"Oh, I know. But maybe that's what it is."
"I thought you hated Jess."
"He's not my favorite person in the world," Lorelai confirmed, "and sometimes I wish he'd never shown up here so you wouldn't have to feel like this, but there's obviously something about him that you're drawn to. And you're a pretty decent judge of character most of the time. Maybe there's something about Jess I'm missing."
Finally, a small smile graced Rory's lips. She wrapped her mother in a hug and rested her head on Lorelai's shoulder.
Lorelai blinked rapidly to stop the threatening tears. It wasn't what she envisioned for her little girl, breaking up with really solid, dependable guys to run to the bad boy, but it seemed to be what Rory was meant for. And Lorelai supposed it was some small comfort that it was the same bad boy every time, but she still couldn't help fearing that it would all blow up in everyone's faces some day. She hoped she would be proven wrong.
The next morning, Rory shuffled after her mother into Luke's. Luke looked up and gave a terse wave to the two of them while continuing to talk on the phone.
"Yeah, yeah, right. I get it. I just want you to be really sure about it. It's a big deal. There'll be more consequences than you might realize," Luke said into the phone, delivering coffee to Lorelai and Rory who were seated at the counter. He couldn't help but notice that Rory looked upset.
Rory felt Luke's eyes lingering on her and looked up from where she'd been examining the edge of the counter. She offered him a half-hearted shrug and a weak smile. Once he turned away, she went back to picking at the counter and tuned out all the usual diner noise. Her body jerked back in surprise when Luke suddenly shoved the handset of the phone under her nose.
"Here," he said. "You look like you need this more than I do."
"What?" she asked, bewildered.
"Just take it and say 'hello,'" Luke urged.
Rory looked over at Lorelai while gingerly taking the phone. When Lorelai only shrugged, Rory did as Luke asked. "Hello?"
Jess's concerned voice filled her head. "Hey. What's wrong? Luke says you look depressed."
"I just had a bad night," Rory said quietly, glaring all the while at Luke and letting him know she wasn't happy about his interference.
"What happened?" Jess continued to press.
Rory sighed. "I don't want to talk about it right now, not here."
"So it's more serious that just a bad grade, huh?"
"I'm past getting depressed over bad grades," Rory said huffily.
"Yeah? I'm not," Jess revealed. "I got them for so long, you'd think it wouldn't be a problem. But no, when it happens now I get sort of upset."
Rory smiled despite her bad mood. "See what happens when you try to do well?"
Jess laughed ironically. "Sure, you get pissed when you don't. So, you're really not going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Can I call you in a couple of days? I need a little time to work some things out before I'll feel like talking about them."
"Sure. Thursday?"
"Okay," Rory agreed. "I'll talk to you then, Jess."
"All right. Bye, Rory." He hung up and left her listening to the dial tone.
Rory handed the phone back across the counter to Luke. "Don't do that again," she told him.
Luke shrugged. "Fine. Just thought he might be able to cheer you up."
"That was Jess?" Lorelai asked, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.
"Yep." Rory look and deep drink of her coffee and didn't say more.
"Is he really all that effective at cheering you up?"
"Sometimes. I'm just not ready to let him try yet."
Luke came back, order pad in hand. "Pancakes or French toast today?"
"Both," Lorelai said.
"And pie," Rory added. "We're misery eating. Gotta have pie for that."
"'Misery eating,'" Luke repeated. "Can I ask why?"
"Boy trouble," Rory and Lorelai said at the same time.
Luke only nodded. He didn't want details on anything concerning the love life of either one of the Gilmores. "Be right back, then."
Lorelai turned back to her daughter once Luke had gone into the kitchen. "You're really going to tell Jess what happened?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" Rory wanted to know.
"I don't know," Lorelai said. "I guess it's just that Jess is sort of involved pretty deeply in this even if he doesn't know he is. Do you really think it's a good idea to pull him into this again. You don't even know how he feels anymore, do you?"
Rory sighed. "No. So, maybe I won't divulge details. I'm still going to tell him what happened. He's my friend if nothing else; he told me when he broke up with Dana. It's the sort of thing you talk to friends about."
Lorelai shrugged, sipping quietly at her requisite cup of coffee. "Okay, if that's what you want to do. I just want you to be careful, sweetie. The last thing I want to see is you getting your heart trampled by Jess again."
"Mom, I know you're worried, but that's not going to happen. You don't even know what Jess is like anymore. He's not that same thoughtless kid that you still think he is. He never was . . . not really, but that's probably just my opinion."
"She's right, Lorelai," Luke said, coming back with a pair of loaded plates. "Jess is a lot more responsible now. He actually thinks about the results of his actions . . . most of the time, anyway. There are a lot of changes in him that people around here would be surprised to see. I never would have said this four years ago, but going to stay with Jimmy is probably one of the best things Jess has ever done."
Lorelai remained skeptical, watching Rory and Luke wear similar knowing little smiles as each of them thought about Jess. This wouldn't be the first time that Jess had fooled the two of them.
When Rory returned to the suite she shared with Paris late Sunday afternoon, there was a note from Sigmund tacked to the door. She pulled it free with a sigh and opened the door with a sharp kick.
Paris had been sitting on the sofa, and she looked up at the noise. "What was that for?"
"Because I am an idiot, but it's too hard for me to kick myself," Rory grumbled and opened the note. "'Call me when you get in. We need to talk,'" she read aloud.
"Trouble in paradise?" Paris asked snidely. "What happened, you not let him open all your doors for you this weekend?"
Rory sat down next to Paris, curling her feet underneath her. "Did you know that I am a terrible girlfriend? I didn't think I was, but I learned otherwise this weekend."
Paris's eyes widened. "What are you talking about? What happened?'
"That's where it gets fuzzy, because it all happened so fast. One minute it was just another Saturday night, and then it seemed like the next second I was spilling everything," Rory shrugged. "And that's when I realized that I am the worst girlfriend Sigmund's probably ever had. Then I go home, and my mom points out that I was also the worst girlfriend to Dean, and then I think about some of the things I did to Jess. Expecting him to be someone he wasn't, not trusting him when I should have, all that stuff. So it's not just with Sig. I am an all around wretched girlfriend, always have been, and probably always will be."
"And you're sure you're not just overreacting just a little bit?"
"Nope, I don't think so," Rory said with conviction. "I think only bad girlfriends date a guy for almost a year, refuse to let him do more than kiss her, and then, when he gets all concerned that there some kind of traumatic reason why I won't let things get physical, I unload all this stuff about how I think I'm probably still in love with another man."
"I'm going to go out on a limb and say the other man is Jess," Paris said smugly. "I always thought you were lying when you said you were over him."
"Well at least you refrained from actually saying 'I told you so,'" Rory snapped. "I appreciate that at least. I'm having an emotional crisis here, Paris. You can't be a little supportive?"
"All right, all right," the other girl sighed. "I'm sorry, Rory. I know you like Sigmund a lot. I'm sure even if you aren't in love with him, it still hurts to break up."
Rory nodded. "It does. Though, I'm not sure if we've actually broken up. Last night, as upset as he was, he never said he wanted to break up. He just said that he had to think." She waved the note around. "And now he wants to talk. That'll probably be about breaking up."
Paris looked at Rory skeptically. "You almost sound like you don't want to break up with him. You're not considering staying with him if he asks, are you?"
"No, not seriously," Rory sighed. "I'm just uncomfortable with the whole breaking up thing. Never have been good with that."
Paris gave a small and uncharacteristic laugh. "I don't think it's something you're supposed to get used to. It's kind of always going to be uncomfortable."
"Yeah, it'd probably be a really bad sign if I were comfortable with it." Rory swallowed thickly and toyed with the note in her hands again. "I should call him."
"The sooner you do, the sooner it's done," Paris said sagely and got up. She patted Rory on the shoulder in what passed for an affectionate gesture from Paris Gellar. "I'll be in my room."
"Thanks," Rory said quietly and waited until Paris's door closed before getting up and grabbing the phone. With a weary sigh, she dialed Sigmund's cell phone and waited for him to pick up.
He answered quickly. "Hello, Rory."
"Hi. You asked me to call you when I got home."
"I did," Sigmund agreed. "I'm at the coffee kiosk in front of the library. Is it okay if I come over?"
"Sure. I'll be here."
"All right. I'll see you in about fifteen minutes."
The phone cut quickly to silence, and Rory was left to wait. She thought briefly about knocking on Paris's door to have a little company for the time it would take Sigmund to arrive but decided against it. As nice as it would have been to let Paris fill the air with chatter and ranting and lose herself in it, Rory decided it would be better to use the brief time to collect her thoughts and prepare herself for any and all inevitable conversations that Sigmund might want to have with her.
Almost twenty minutes later, Sigmund rapped at the door. Rory opened it carefully and stood to the side as he entered.
"Sorry I'm late," he apologized. "I brought you a latte." He presented her with the paper cup and offered a shy smile along with it.
"You didn't have to do that," Rory told him, taking the cup. "But thank you."
"You're welcome." Sigmund shrugged off his coat and laid it over the back of the couch. "So, how was your weekend?"
Rory sighed and sipped at her coffee. "Guilt-ridden."
"Good," he snapped bitterly. Quickly, he softened. "Sorry. That was rude. I shouldn't take pleasure in the fact that you've been upset. "
"No, don't be sorry," Rory told him. "You have every right to feel good about me feeling awful. I've treated you terribly. You must have been miserable, too."
"Yeah, that's an accurate description. But the nice thing about being miserable is that it gives you a lot of time to think." Sigmund ventured further into the room and perched on the arm of the couch. "Would you answer some questions for me?"
Taking a deep breath, Rory nodded. "Sure. Whatever you want."
He shook his head ironically. "Not really, but I don't think I'm going to get what I want no matter what I do. So, I'll have to be happy with answers." He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Why did you ask your grandmother for my number?"
"I don't know," Rory replied weakly. "I was frustrated and angry with Jess, and Grandma kept telling me how nice you were and how much I needed to get out and meet new people, that I was missing out on part of the college experience. I think I was just tired of everyone pushing me from every direction, and I did what I thought I needed to do to get them to shut up."
"To accomplish that, all you really would have had to do was see me once and then tell everyone that you weren't interested in me. Why'd you agree to see me again, to keep going out with me?"
Rory shook her head and looked at Sigmund. "I had a nice time with you. You were sweet and fun and didn't push at me about anything. I thought we could be friends."
"I didn't exactly want to be your friend, Rory," Sigmund said pointedly. "You must have realized that at some point."
She nodded, dropping her eyes so she wouldn't have to look at hurt rolling off of Sigmund in waves. "I'm sorry. I should have ended things when I knew how you felt, but I didn't know how; I didn't want anyone to get hurt."
Sig laughed sarcastically. "Brilliant plan, that. No hurt feelings now."
"It was stupid! I know that," Rory cried. "I shouldn't have done it. If I could take it back I would!"
Even though he was visibly upset, Sigmund's voice continued to remain calm and even. "But you can't take it back. You did it, Rory, and there isn't any way that it can be fixed."
"I know that," she agreed sheepishly.
"Yeah," he sighed, "I'm sure you do." Sigmund got to his feet and tugged his coat back on. "Well, this is it then. I'm going to go because, as much as I thought I wanted to know what you were thinking about this whole situation, it's going to make me crazy to sit here and listen to you tell me how sorry you are over and over again. So, I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from me."
Rory blinked in surprise. "Um . . . okay. That's . . . but, maybe someday we could get together and . . . ?"
"No, we can't," he said abruptly, his anger finally surfacing. "I don't want to meet sometime for coffee in a few weeks or have lunch or see a movie. I don't want to be your friend, Rory. There is nothing you could possibly say to me right now that will change my mind about that." Sigmund opened the door and was about to leave, when he gave Rory one last look over his shoulder. "If you really are in love with Jess . . . well, I hope you treat him better than you've treated me."
With that last shot, the door snapped shut, and Rory was left staring at the back of the door with tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. She tried to scrub them away with the back of her hand, but that didn't work. Instead, she buried her face in her hands and wept.
"Rory?" Paris asked quietly, her head peeking around her door frame. "Are you all right? Is there something I can get you or do for you or anything?"
"No," Rory said quietly when she'd gotten the tears under control. "I don't deserve to have anyone do anything to try and make me feel better right now. What I did was wrong and hurtful, and Sigmund's right. I have to deal with that because nothing I can do will take it back and make it better." She turned and regarded Paris solemnly. "I just need to be alone for awhile."
Turning, Rory moved slowly into her room and shut the door firmly behind her. She crawled onto the middle of the bed, curled around her pillow, and began to cry again. This time the tears came not because she was hurting, but because she had hurt so many others and had done it knowing that her actions were going to cause pain someday. The last thing in the world she wanted was to become cold and unfeeling toward others just to try and save herself some heartache. Gulping in air as the sobs grew in intensity, she made a vow to herself that she wasn't going to run from her true feelings any longer no matter who they might hurt.
The week dragged on heavy feet for Rory as she anticipated her promised Thursday call to Jess. She'd reminded herself several times that she didn't have to wait until Thursday to call. He would probably be happy to hear from her on any day, but Rory'd made herself wait, less out of concern for Jess's schedule, and more wanting to take the time to plan out what she wanted to say, how she wanted to tell him how she still felt, so it didn't come tumbling out in disjointed strings of words that would likely leave the both of them very confused.
Finally, Thursday night graced her with its presence, and Rory found herself sitting in the middle of the living room floor in the suite staring at the phone in her lap. Paris was out at a study group, and Rory was reminded of the very first call she'd made to Jess after he'd sent his letter. That call also started with her sitting alone, phone in her lap, and stomach in nervous knots. Shaking out of the nostalgic moment, Rory took a deep calming breath and dialed Jimmy and Sasha's where she knew Jess would be.
The phone was answered before the second ring had even started. "Yeah, hang on," Jess snapped into the phone. Mere seconds later a slam crashed in Rory's ears, and she heard Jess yelling angrily. "Lily! Get your skinny butt back here and clean this up! I mean it, Lil! I've got a lighter, and I'm not afraid to turn Harry Potter into ashes!"
Lily's horrified shrieking was also audible over the phone. "You wouldn't dare!"
Jess's lighter sounded over the phone. "Try me," he said stonily.
Lily screamed again. "I hate you!"
"I care. Broom, now!" A heavy sighed rattled the air as Jess returned to the phone. "Sorry. Hello."
"Hi," Rory replied. "That's an interesting way to answer the phone. How'd you know it was me?"
"I didn't," he replied. "I thought it might be, but I wasn't sure."
"So shouting matches are the way you're answering the phone now? What if it hadn't been me calling?"
"Then you probably would have hung up," Jess reasoned. "And yes, shouting matches are how I answer the phone after an emotional eleven year old has hurled a half-full water glass at my head."
"What?"
"Oh, yeah. It's been a fun night, and I've only been here for twenty minutes."
"What happened?" Rory asked, still amazed that Lily would have such a violent fit of temper.
"She and Sasha got into a fight over something before I got here, and I got the tail end of her tantrum."
"You don't know what they were fighting about?"
"They've been getting into it a lot lately. I try to stay out of it when I can, but I'm pretty sure it's about Lily wanting to be able to go down to the boardwalk alone and Sasha not letting her because it can be dangerous."
Rory made a small hum of understanding. "So, Lily thinks she's old enough to go out, and Sasha's having a hard time convincing her otherwise."
"Yep," Jess agreed. "And tonight Lily's resenting me because she thinks she doesn't need anyone to stay with her at night anymore. Hence the flying glass."
"I just can't picture her doing something like that."
"She's got Sash's temper . . . it takes a bit to set it off, but once it goes it can be down right scary." Jess sighed again, "But, it isn't anything you have to worry about, and it's not why you called . . . to hear about me. Tell me what was wrong the other day?" he asked, caring concern flooding his usually gruff voice.
Rory's stomach fluttered a bit at his tone, and she found herself needing a distraction to calm down before getting to the reason she called. "Well, of course it's something I have to worry about if Lily's throwing things at your head."
"Nah, she's got horrible aim. She missed me by a foot and a half. Now stop stalling, and tell me what was wrong."
"It was just . . . um, Sigmund and I had a fight," she said softly, all her prior planning flying out the window.
"Oh." Jess's tone went from concerned to flat with that one syllable. "That's too bad. I'm sure you'll work it out," he said unconvincingly.
"I don't think so; he broke up with me." She heard Jess's breath hitch followed by him swallowing with an audible gulp.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he said with even less conviction that before.
Rory laughed under her breath. "Liar."
"What happened?" he asked, ignoring her statement.
"Sig . . . he kept asking me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and I kept telling him no."
"And he broke up with you because of that?" Jess wasn't yelling, but his anger was nearly palpable even over the phone. After his question he got very quiet, and only his harsh breathing registered.
"Jess? What's going on? I don't like it when you're silent like this."
He spoke after another moment of quiet. "Sorry. I was just trying to figure out how long it would take me to get to Connecticut so I can slam his teeth down his throat."
"No, Jess," Rory said in a rush, "you don't have to do that. It wasn't like that."
"Well, what was it like then? Why shouldn't I come back there and beat the shit out of the guy?"
"Because it wasn't his fault. I wouldn't do what he asked because . . . because . . ." Rory stammered and faltered before trailing off entirely. She wasn't sure she could do this anymore.
"Because of what, Rory?" Jess ground out. "What the hell is going on?"
"I still have feelings for you!" she blurted out. "Sigmund broke up with me because I think I'm still in love with you!"
A droning dial tone was Jess's response to her revelation.
Rory pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it, wide-eyed and open- mouthed. The steady hum of the dial tone filled her mind and held her immobile, unable to react to this bizarre turn of events. Usually, she was the one hanging up on him. With the sound of her blood rushing in indignation replacing the humming of the phone in her ears, Rory angrily depressed the buttons to call Jess back.
"I'm sorry," Jess rasped when he finally re-answered the phone. His breathing sounded too fast and too shallow.
"You hung up on me?" Rory's voice was shrill and verging on hysterical. "You actually hung up on me!"
"And I said that I'm sorry," he whispered again, his breathing still not sounding right.
"I can't believe you did that!"
"Stop yelling at me!" Jess's breathing picked up speed again and a clattering rattled in the background. "Shit. Lily!"
Rory listened as a scuffling occurred on Jess's end of the line, syllables of concern in Lily's girlish voice melted over the phone. Finally, Rory was addressed again.
"Um, hello?"
"Lily, what's going on?"
"I . . . I'm not sure, Rory," Lily fairly whimpered. "Jess is all sweaty and hyperventilating, and . . . wait, he wants me to get him something." The phone was dropped with a crash of plastic on tiled floor and the faint rushing of water became audible.
"Lily! Lily, talk to me!" Rory was starting to hyperventilate herself. It sounded like Jess was dying, and it was her fault for telling him how she felt. She felt utterly helpless and kept crying into the phone for someone to tell her what was happening. Minutes that felt like years passed before she got an answer.
"Rory, you still there?" Jess's voice was dry and rough, but it was his voice, and the sound of it made Rory cry harder. He tried to soothe her. "Shh, Rory, it's all right. I'm fine. Baby, stop crying, please. It's okay."
She gulped in mouthfuls of air, snuffling until she sobered enough to form words. "Jess? What happened? What's the matter?"
"Not sure," he answered. "I think I had a panic attack. Can't be sure though, I've never had one before."
"Why?" Rory wanted to know.
"I never had reason to have one before," Jess answered with a bark that would have been a laugh had his throat not been so dry.
Rory wanted to be stern with him, scold him for making light of the situation, but she was too happy to know that he was okay to pull it off. Instead her question came out sounding almost giddy. "Why have one now?"
"Because you scared the hell out of me," he said matter-of-factly.
"What?"
"Don't try that innocent act. After three years, you lay that on me, and you expected me to take it with a smile and a thank you?"
She was offended by his tone and what he was saying, so Rory lashed back. "Well, I certainly expected you to be a little tougher and not crumple into a wheezing lump!"
"You want me to hang up on you again?" Jess snapped. "'Cause keep it up and I will." He sighed heavily into the phone and then replaced the expelled air with a deep breath. "Ah, hell. This was not supposed to happen like this."
"What does that mean?" Rory's voice was colored with confusion. She reached up and pulled a throw pillow from the couch into her lap, twisting and folding the corners of the soft velour square between trembling fingers.
"I've imagined you saying what you said to me, but I always saw it on my terms . . . me showing up at your dorm or your house and goading you into admitting how you felt. You never said it first."
Rory's brow creased as she thought about what Jess had just said. "You've imagined me telling you that I still love you?"
"Yeah," he told her quietly, "but I always had to say it first."
Her heart skipped in her chest. "But . . . then, does that mean that you still . . . ?"
Jess breathed a short laugh. "Seems that way."
"Oh," Rory sighed happily, trying to hold back a grin. "Well, okay."
"We're pathetic," he said suddenly.
"What makes you say that?"
"We know how this situation turns out, and here we are right back at the beginning of it again," Jess reminded her with a heavy note of depression in his voice.
Rory shivered to hear such sadness in his tone when she was so happy. "How can we already know how this is going to turn out? We're completely different people than we where when we tried this the first time. It can be completely different this time . . . better."
"I wish I had your optimism," Jess sighed.
"We won't know how it's going to end unless we try, Jess," Rory told him firmly. "It seems like we both want to, and maybe, since we keep coming back together, we're supposed to try."
"God, we're really going to do this again, aren't we?"
"You don't have to say it like that. It's not like I'm asking you to help me hide a body or anything."
Jess finally laughed. "No, that would probably be easier. But . . . we'll see."
"Good," Rory replied with smug satisfaction. "I'm glad we got that settled."
"Yeah, yay for us. So . . . anything else new?"
"Not really. Mom tried to throw me a surprise birthday party, but I found out about it from Lane about a week ahead of time so I was prepared for it."
"Were they going to make you wear a pointy paper hat all night?" Jess wondered.
She laughed. "No, no hats. You're still not over that are you?"
"I will never be over that. Me and a dozen dogs all wearing party hats and eating ice cream. Sasha's lucky I even come over here anymore after that."
"I think it sounds cute."
"I'm sure you do." Jess cleared his throat. "Hey, Rory?"
"What?" She got momentarily nervous that he was going to change his mind about everything.
"Would it be okay if I ended the call now? Not that I don't want to talk to you, but I really think I should lie down. My head is splitting," Jess told her.
"Oh, yeah, sure," Rory assured him. "You go and try and feel better. I'll talk to you later, right?"
"Right," he said firmly. "Good night, then, and . . .Iloveyou."
The words had come out in a rush, smashed together like cars in a pile-up, but she understood them perfectly. "I love you, too, Jess. Good night." She waited until she heard the dial tone again before hanging up herself. Then she squealed like a little girl being told that she was going to get a pony. Rory jumped up and skipped around the room giggling and grinning. The grin stayed on her face until her happy bounding took her into her bedroom, and she caught sight of a picture of her and Lorelai on the dresser.
"Oh, crap."
Author's Note: I'm terribly sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I wrote three entirely different versions before I was reasonably happy with the outcome. I've also had to squeeze in writing while looking for and interviewing for a new job, which I have now happily found. The next chapter will be up as soon as it's finished, and it will also be the last chapter of the story. Please review if you have the time.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls. The chapter title is paraphrased song lyrics from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. If it's not recognizable from the show, well, that I own.
Chapter Eighteen: Saw You Dancing All Alone
October 2006
Rory sighed contentedly and curled deeper into Sigmund's side. They were camped on the couch in his apartment watching a Kevin Bacon movie marathon. She loved lazy afternoons like this, gloomy Saturdays spent together in front of the television. Or at least she loved them until his hands started to wander toward places she wasn't comfortable with him touching . . . like they were doing now.
"Don't," she said quietly, brushing his hand off of the inside of her thigh.
Sigmund exhaled sharply but complied. He sat quietly next to her for about ten minutes, but then his hand trailed up her leg again, and he nuzzled behind her ear. His other hand started to slip up her ribcage.
Rory jerked and pushed him away, rising to her feet and stepping away from the couch. "I told you not to do that," she snapped. "Why can't we just sit together anymore without you pawing at me?"
"All we ever do is sit together," Sigmund protested. "Why won't you let me touch you?"
"I . . . I'm just not ready. It's not right," she told him. "I just can't."
He sighed and leaned his head on the back of the couch. "We've been together for, like, a year. Are you ever going to be ready for me to touch you?"
"I don't know," Rory mumbled, kicking at the dingy shag carpeting. "It's complicated."
"Why is it complicated?" he asked. "Are you scared? 'Cause you don't have to be. I'll be careful with you; it doesn't have to hurt."
It took her a few moments to figure out what he meant, and then she felt horribly guilty. "Oh, you think that . . . I guess I haven't talked about . . ." she trailed off, reluctant to finish. She'd mentioned Jess to Sigmund only in passing, painting her relationship with Jess merely as a long-distance friendship, and she was frightened to reveal the true nature of her feelings. The rumble of Sigmund's voice brought her out of her fretful thoughts and back into the situation at hand.
"What haven't you talked about?" he asked carefully, shaking his platinum hair out of his eyes as he walked forward and took her by the shoulders. "What are you trying to say?"
The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, and Rory cringed when they hit her own ears. "I'm not a virgin."
Sigmund's eyes betrayed his surprise for the briefest moment, but he hid it quickly and steered Rory back to the couch. He sat her down and carefully knelt in front of her on the floor. "It's okay. Did something happen? Did someone do something to you? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Were you . . . ?"
Rory's eyes fluttered shut at his overflowing concern, and she shook her head quickly. "No, no it wasn't like that." She reached out and rested a hand on Sigmund's shoulder. "Do you remember me talking about my friend Jess sometimes?"
"Yes," was the simple answer. Sigmund urged her on with a nod of his head.
"Jess and I . . . we used to be more than friends when we were in high school."
Relief flooded Sigmund's bright green eyes, and he sat back on his heels. "And the two of you slept together. Well, all right. That's . . . that's far less serious than I thought."
"That's not quite what happened," Rory told him. "In high school, Jess was different from what I was used to, more rebellious, darker."
"So you fell for the bad boy," Sigmund laughed. "Happens to a lot of girls. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"I'm not embarrassed," she defended. "Just let me finish. We fought a lot, Jess and I, mostly about him keeping secrets and me sometimes expecting him to be something he wasn't. Anyway, he took off after one of our arguments . . . he got into a fist fight with my ex-boyfriend and a couple of days later he just up and left without saying a word."
Sigmund sat down hard on the floor, looking up at Rory with his eyebrows raised. "And you're still friends with this guy because?
"Because six months after he disappeared he sent me a letter telling me that he loved me. And, as much as I was hurt, I loved him too, so we started talking again. Well, mostly yelling at first, but eventually talking, and that following summer I went to visit him. That's when we slept together."
"Okay, let me see if I've got this straight," Sigmund said with a bewildered blink. "You and Jess dated in high school, he ran off but got in touch with you months later to tell you he was in love with you, and you still loved him. You became friends again, went to visit him, and went to bed with him?"
Rory blushed and shrugged a shoulder. "That's the really short version, yes."
"And now you're still friends?
"Yes."
"I'm still not seeing what this has to do with us being together," Sigmund said, "unless. . . are you still in love with him? Is that why you won't let me touch you?"
Rory held her breath and gnawed at her lower lip for a moment, but that hesitation was enough of a conformation for Sigmund.
"You are," he said quietly. "You're still in love with him."
"I-I don't know for sure if I am or not, but those feelings are still there. I haven't seen him in years . . . it's so confusing. Sig, I didn't mean for you to get pulled so far into the middle of this," she said earnestly. "I really didn't."
Sigmund pushed to his feet and started pacing around the room. "If you're in love with another guy, why would you go out with me in the first place, much less stick around for as long as you have?"
"It's going to sound horrible, even more horrible than it already does, but it was sort of Jess's idea. I didn't really want to, but he and I are just so far apart. He thought it would be easier if we saw other people," Rory said sheepishly, realizing how hurtful it must sound to be told you're a placeholder.
"And he's seeing someone else too?"
"He was. She broke up with him and left town in January. He hasn't really been seeing anyone since then."
Halting his continuous passes around the room, Sigmund faced Rory again. "Okay, this is a lot to take in. I need to ask you to leave, so I can think about this."
Rory got up and took half a step toward Sigmund, but stopped when he recoiled. "Sure, I understand. I'm just so so sorry."
"I'm sure you are," he said, waving toward the door. "Just go."
Nodding sadly, Rory left the apartment quietly and walked slowly down to her car. The ignition turned over solidly, and she found herself driving blindly toward Stars Hollow. She pulled up to the house but sat in the car for a long moment watching the light of the television flicker through the living room windows and illuminate the dusky porch. With a sigh, Rory shut off the car and made her way to the front door. It was unlocked as always, and she stumbled in gracelessly.
"Mom," she called feebly, "where are you?"
"Upstairs!" Lorelai called out. "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you tonight!"
Rory climbed the stairs slowly and turned into her mother's bedroom to find Lorelai half buried in the bottom of the closet. Sighing weightily, Rory toed off her shoes and collapsed face down on the bed.
Lorelai continued to speak without turning around. "Babe, you haven't seen my strappy black shoes with the sparkly, red, heart-shaped buckles have you? I told Patty I'd lend them to the fall dance recital."
"Mom," Rory said again weakly.
This time Lorelai backed out of the closet on all fours and turned quickly. "Sweetie? What's wrong?" She crawled over to the side of the bed and brushed Rory's hair out of her face. "What happened?"
"I'm an awful, awful excuse for a human being," Rory said shakily, tears spilling down her cheeks.
"Oh, hun, no you're not. What makes you say that?"
Rory sat up and wiped her eyes and slid to the floor to sit next to her mother. "I was at Sigmund's watching movies, and he started to . . . you know."
"I can imagine," Lorelai said dryly. "I really don't want to, but I can imagine."
"And I said to stop," Rory continued, ignoring Lorelai's tone, "so he did. But then he started again, and I said I didn't want to, that I couldn't. He wanted to know why, and all this stuff about Jess just started pouring out."
"What stuff about Jess?" Lorelai asked.
"All of it," Rory wailed. "Everything about us dating, him leaving, going to visit him and sleeping with him, still possibly being in love with him . . . all of it."
Lorelai sighed but reached out to hug her daughter. "What happened after that? What did Sig say?"
"That's the worst part," Rory said with a sniffle. "He was really calm. I mean, he asked why I didn't tell him sooner and why I stayed with him if I still had feelings for Jess, but Sigmund never yelled. Even when he told me to leave, he was so polite."
"Well, he's a sweet boy," was all Lorelai could think to say. She winced when it set off Rory's tears again.
"He is sweet!" Rory sobbed. "He's sweet, and he cares about me, and I think I broke his heart!"
Lorelai didn't have an answer, but she did have a question. "At the risk of not sounding supportive, why didn't you tell Sigmund about Jess sooner?"
Rory pushed away from her mother and shoved her hands though her hair. "I don't know. When I got his number from Grandma I think I did it just so Jess would shut up about seeing someone else and to get back at him for moving on. But then Sigmund was really nice, and we had fun together . . . so I thought I'd just see what happened. If nothing else we could be friends."
"But Sig didn't just want to be friends with you. You had to notice that pretty quickly, Rory."
"I did," she sighed. "I just didn't know how to tell him, and then I started to have feelings for him. Not love, but I cared and didn't want to see him hurt."
"Especially if you were the one doing the hurting." Lorelai looked at Rory's teary face and debated if she should say what was on her mind. Discretion lost the battle. "It's a little like Dean all over again, isn't it."
Rory stared at her mother with wide eyes. "Oh. My. God. What is wrong with me?! Why do I keep doing this?!"
"I don't know, babe." Lorelai swallowed and proceeded with caution, more out of her own conflicting emotions over what she was about to say rather that a worry about upsetting Rory further. "Both your relationship with Dean and with Sig crumbled over Jess. Maybe it's less than a pattern of behavior and more . . . I don't know, fate trying to make sure you end up with the right guy."
"Mom, I think that's the corniest thing you've ever said to me."
"Oh, I know. But maybe that's what it is."
"I thought you hated Jess."
"He's not my favorite person in the world," Lorelai confirmed, "and sometimes I wish he'd never shown up here so you wouldn't have to feel like this, but there's obviously something about him that you're drawn to. And you're a pretty decent judge of character most of the time. Maybe there's something about Jess I'm missing."
Finally, a small smile graced Rory's lips. She wrapped her mother in a hug and rested her head on Lorelai's shoulder.
Lorelai blinked rapidly to stop the threatening tears. It wasn't what she envisioned for her little girl, breaking up with really solid, dependable guys to run to the bad boy, but it seemed to be what Rory was meant for. And Lorelai supposed it was some small comfort that it was the same bad boy every time, but she still couldn't help fearing that it would all blow up in everyone's faces some day. She hoped she would be proven wrong.
The next morning, Rory shuffled after her mother into Luke's. Luke looked up and gave a terse wave to the two of them while continuing to talk on the phone.
"Yeah, yeah, right. I get it. I just want you to be really sure about it. It's a big deal. There'll be more consequences than you might realize," Luke said into the phone, delivering coffee to Lorelai and Rory who were seated at the counter. He couldn't help but notice that Rory looked upset.
Rory felt Luke's eyes lingering on her and looked up from where she'd been examining the edge of the counter. She offered him a half-hearted shrug and a weak smile. Once he turned away, she went back to picking at the counter and tuned out all the usual diner noise. Her body jerked back in surprise when Luke suddenly shoved the handset of the phone under her nose.
"Here," he said. "You look like you need this more than I do."
"What?" she asked, bewildered.
"Just take it and say 'hello,'" Luke urged.
Rory looked over at Lorelai while gingerly taking the phone. When Lorelai only shrugged, Rory did as Luke asked. "Hello?"
Jess's concerned voice filled her head. "Hey. What's wrong? Luke says you look depressed."
"I just had a bad night," Rory said quietly, glaring all the while at Luke and letting him know she wasn't happy about his interference.
"What happened?" Jess continued to press.
Rory sighed. "I don't want to talk about it right now, not here."
"So it's more serious that just a bad grade, huh?"
"I'm past getting depressed over bad grades," Rory said huffily.
"Yeah? I'm not," Jess revealed. "I got them for so long, you'd think it wouldn't be a problem. But no, when it happens now I get sort of upset."
Rory smiled despite her bad mood. "See what happens when you try to do well?"
Jess laughed ironically. "Sure, you get pissed when you don't. So, you're really not going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Can I call you in a couple of days? I need a little time to work some things out before I'll feel like talking about them."
"Sure. Thursday?"
"Okay," Rory agreed. "I'll talk to you then, Jess."
"All right. Bye, Rory." He hung up and left her listening to the dial tone.
Rory handed the phone back across the counter to Luke. "Don't do that again," she told him.
Luke shrugged. "Fine. Just thought he might be able to cheer you up."
"That was Jess?" Lorelai asked, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.
"Yep." Rory look and deep drink of her coffee and didn't say more.
"Is he really all that effective at cheering you up?"
"Sometimes. I'm just not ready to let him try yet."
Luke came back, order pad in hand. "Pancakes or French toast today?"
"Both," Lorelai said.
"And pie," Rory added. "We're misery eating. Gotta have pie for that."
"'Misery eating,'" Luke repeated. "Can I ask why?"
"Boy trouble," Rory and Lorelai said at the same time.
Luke only nodded. He didn't want details on anything concerning the love life of either one of the Gilmores. "Be right back, then."
Lorelai turned back to her daughter once Luke had gone into the kitchen. "You're really going to tell Jess what happened?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" Rory wanted to know.
"I don't know," Lorelai said. "I guess it's just that Jess is sort of involved pretty deeply in this even if he doesn't know he is. Do you really think it's a good idea to pull him into this again. You don't even know how he feels anymore, do you?"
Rory sighed. "No. So, maybe I won't divulge details. I'm still going to tell him what happened. He's my friend if nothing else; he told me when he broke up with Dana. It's the sort of thing you talk to friends about."
Lorelai shrugged, sipping quietly at her requisite cup of coffee. "Okay, if that's what you want to do. I just want you to be careful, sweetie. The last thing I want to see is you getting your heart trampled by Jess again."
"Mom, I know you're worried, but that's not going to happen. You don't even know what Jess is like anymore. He's not that same thoughtless kid that you still think he is. He never was . . . not really, but that's probably just my opinion."
"She's right, Lorelai," Luke said, coming back with a pair of loaded plates. "Jess is a lot more responsible now. He actually thinks about the results of his actions . . . most of the time, anyway. There are a lot of changes in him that people around here would be surprised to see. I never would have said this four years ago, but going to stay with Jimmy is probably one of the best things Jess has ever done."
Lorelai remained skeptical, watching Rory and Luke wear similar knowing little smiles as each of them thought about Jess. This wouldn't be the first time that Jess had fooled the two of them.
When Rory returned to the suite she shared with Paris late Sunday afternoon, there was a note from Sigmund tacked to the door. She pulled it free with a sigh and opened the door with a sharp kick.
Paris had been sitting on the sofa, and she looked up at the noise. "What was that for?"
"Because I am an idiot, but it's too hard for me to kick myself," Rory grumbled and opened the note. "'Call me when you get in. We need to talk,'" she read aloud.
"Trouble in paradise?" Paris asked snidely. "What happened, you not let him open all your doors for you this weekend?"
Rory sat down next to Paris, curling her feet underneath her. "Did you know that I am a terrible girlfriend? I didn't think I was, but I learned otherwise this weekend."
Paris's eyes widened. "What are you talking about? What happened?'
"That's where it gets fuzzy, because it all happened so fast. One minute it was just another Saturday night, and then it seemed like the next second I was spilling everything," Rory shrugged. "And that's when I realized that I am the worst girlfriend Sigmund's probably ever had. Then I go home, and my mom points out that I was also the worst girlfriend to Dean, and then I think about some of the things I did to Jess. Expecting him to be someone he wasn't, not trusting him when I should have, all that stuff. So it's not just with Sig. I am an all around wretched girlfriend, always have been, and probably always will be."
"And you're sure you're not just overreacting just a little bit?"
"Nope, I don't think so," Rory said with conviction. "I think only bad girlfriends date a guy for almost a year, refuse to let him do more than kiss her, and then, when he gets all concerned that there some kind of traumatic reason why I won't let things get physical, I unload all this stuff about how I think I'm probably still in love with another man."
"I'm going to go out on a limb and say the other man is Jess," Paris said smugly. "I always thought you were lying when you said you were over him."
"Well at least you refrained from actually saying 'I told you so,'" Rory snapped. "I appreciate that at least. I'm having an emotional crisis here, Paris. You can't be a little supportive?"
"All right, all right," the other girl sighed. "I'm sorry, Rory. I know you like Sigmund a lot. I'm sure even if you aren't in love with him, it still hurts to break up."
Rory nodded. "It does. Though, I'm not sure if we've actually broken up. Last night, as upset as he was, he never said he wanted to break up. He just said that he had to think." She waved the note around. "And now he wants to talk. That'll probably be about breaking up."
Paris looked at Rory skeptically. "You almost sound like you don't want to break up with him. You're not considering staying with him if he asks, are you?"
"No, not seriously," Rory sighed. "I'm just uncomfortable with the whole breaking up thing. Never have been good with that."
Paris gave a small and uncharacteristic laugh. "I don't think it's something you're supposed to get used to. It's kind of always going to be uncomfortable."
"Yeah, it'd probably be a really bad sign if I were comfortable with it." Rory swallowed thickly and toyed with the note in her hands again. "I should call him."
"The sooner you do, the sooner it's done," Paris said sagely and got up. She patted Rory on the shoulder in what passed for an affectionate gesture from Paris Gellar. "I'll be in my room."
"Thanks," Rory said quietly and waited until Paris's door closed before getting up and grabbing the phone. With a weary sigh, she dialed Sigmund's cell phone and waited for him to pick up.
He answered quickly. "Hello, Rory."
"Hi. You asked me to call you when I got home."
"I did," Sigmund agreed. "I'm at the coffee kiosk in front of the library. Is it okay if I come over?"
"Sure. I'll be here."
"All right. I'll see you in about fifteen minutes."
The phone cut quickly to silence, and Rory was left to wait. She thought briefly about knocking on Paris's door to have a little company for the time it would take Sigmund to arrive but decided against it. As nice as it would have been to let Paris fill the air with chatter and ranting and lose herself in it, Rory decided it would be better to use the brief time to collect her thoughts and prepare herself for any and all inevitable conversations that Sigmund might want to have with her.
Almost twenty minutes later, Sigmund rapped at the door. Rory opened it carefully and stood to the side as he entered.
"Sorry I'm late," he apologized. "I brought you a latte." He presented her with the paper cup and offered a shy smile along with it.
"You didn't have to do that," Rory told him, taking the cup. "But thank you."
"You're welcome." Sigmund shrugged off his coat and laid it over the back of the couch. "So, how was your weekend?"
Rory sighed and sipped at her coffee. "Guilt-ridden."
"Good," he snapped bitterly. Quickly, he softened. "Sorry. That was rude. I shouldn't take pleasure in the fact that you've been upset. "
"No, don't be sorry," Rory told him. "You have every right to feel good about me feeling awful. I've treated you terribly. You must have been miserable, too."
"Yeah, that's an accurate description. But the nice thing about being miserable is that it gives you a lot of time to think." Sigmund ventured further into the room and perched on the arm of the couch. "Would you answer some questions for me?"
Taking a deep breath, Rory nodded. "Sure. Whatever you want."
He shook his head ironically. "Not really, but I don't think I'm going to get what I want no matter what I do. So, I'll have to be happy with answers." He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Why did you ask your grandmother for my number?"
"I don't know," Rory replied weakly. "I was frustrated and angry with Jess, and Grandma kept telling me how nice you were and how much I needed to get out and meet new people, that I was missing out on part of the college experience. I think I was just tired of everyone pushing me from every direction, and I did what I thought I needed to do to get them to shut up."
"To accomplish that, all you really would have had to do was see me once and then tell everyone that you weren't interested in me. Why'd you agree to see me again, to keep going out with me?"
Rory shook her head and looked at Sigmund. "I had a nice time with you. You were sweet and fun and didn't push at me about anything. I thought we could be friends."
"I didn't exactly want to be your friend, Rory," Sigmund said pointedly. "You must have realized that at some point."
She nodded, dropping her eyes so she wouldn't have to look at hurt rolling off of Sigmund in waves. "I'm sorry. I should have ended things when I knew how you felt, but I didn't know how; I didn't want anyone to get hurt."
Sig laughed sarcastically. "Brilliant plan, that. No hurt feelings now."
"It was stupid! I know that," Rory cried. "I shouldn't have done it. If I could take it back I would!"
Even though he was visibly upset, Sigmund's voice continued to remain calm and even. "But you can't take it back. You did it, Rory, and there isn't any way that it can be fixed."
"I know that," she agreed sheepishly.
"Yeah," he sighed, "I'm sure you do." Sigmund got to his feet and tugged his coat back on. "Well, this is it then. I'm going to go because, as much as I thought I wanted to know what you were thinking about this whole situation, it's going to make me crazy to sit here and listen to you tell me how sorry you are over and over again. So, I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from me."
Rory blinked in surprise. "Um . . . okay. That's . . . but, maybe someday we could get together and . . . ?"
"No, we can't," he said abruptly, his anger finally surfacing. "I don't want to meet sometime for coffee in a few weeks or have lunch or see a movie. I don't want to be your friend, Rory. There is nothing you could possibly say to me right now that will change my mind about that." Sigmund opened the door and was about to leave, when he gave Rory one last look over his shoulder. "If you really are in love with Jess . . . well, I hope you treat him better than you've treated me."
With that last shot, the door snapped shut, and Rory was left staring at the back of the door with tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. She tried to scrub them away with the back of her hand, but that didn't work. Instead, she buried her face in her hands and wept.
"Rory?" Paris asked quietly, her head peeking around her door frame. "Are you all right? Is there something I can get you or do for you or anything?"
"No," Rory said quietly when she'd gotten the tears under control. "I don't deserve to have anyone do anything to try and make me feel better right now. What I did was wrong and hurtful, and Sigmund's right. I have to deal with that because nothing I can do will take it back and make it better." She turned and regarded Paris solemnly. "I just need to be alone for awhile."
Turning, Rory moved slowly into her room and shut the door firmly behind her. She crawled onto the middle of the bed, curled around her pillow, and began to cry again. This time the tears came not because she was hurting, but because she had hurt so many others and had done it knowing that her actions were going to cause pain someday. The last thing in the world she wanted was to become cold and unfeeling toward others just to try and save herself some heartache. Gulping in air as the sobs grew in intensity, she made a vow to herself that she wasn't going to run from her true feelings any longer no matter who they might hurt.
The week dragged on heavy feet for Rory as she anticipated her promised Thursday call to Jess. She'd reminded herself several times that she didn't have to wait until Thursday to call. He would probably be happy to hear from her on any day, but Rory'd made herself wait, less out of concern for Jess's schedule, and more wanting to take the time to plan out what she wanted to say, how she wanted to tell him how she still felt, so it didn't come tumbling out in disjointed strings of words that would likely leave the both of them very confused.
Finally, Thursday night graced her with its presence, and Rory found herself sitting in the middle of the living room floor in the suite staring at the phone in her lap. Paris was out at a study group, and Rory was reminded of the very first call she'd made to Jess after he'd sent his letter. That call also started with her sitting alone, phone in her lap, and stomach in nervous knots. Shaking out of the nostalgic moment, Rory took a deep calming breath and dialed Jimmy and Sasha's where she knew Jess would be.
The phone was answered before the second ring had even started. "Yeah, hang on," Jess snapped into the phone. Mere seconds later a slam crashed in Rory's ears, and she heard Jess yelling angrily. "Lily! Get your skinny butt back here and clean this up! I mean it, Lil! I've got a lighter, and I'm not afraid to turn Harry Potter into ashes!"
Lily's horrified shrieking was also audible over the phone. "You wouldn't dare!"
Jess's lighter sounded over the phone. "Try me," he said stonily.
Lily screamed again. "I hate you!"
"I care. Broom, now!" A heavy sighed rattled the air as Jess returned to the phone. "Sorry. Hello."
"Hi," Rory replied. "That's an interesting way to answer the phone. How'd you know it was me?"
"I didn't," he replied. "I thought it might be, but I wasn't sure."
"So shouting matches are the way you're answering the phone now? What if it hadn't been me calling?"
"Then you probably would have hung up," Jess reasoned. "And yes, shouting matches are how I answer the phone after an emotional eleven year old has hurled a half-full water glass at my head."
"What?"
"Oh, yeah. It's been a fun night, and I've only been here for twenty minutes."
"What happened?" Rory asked, still amazed that Lily would have such a violent fit of temper.
"She and Sasha got into a fight over something before I got here, and I got the tail end of her tantrum."
"You don't know what they were fighting about?"
"They've been getting into it a lot lately. I try to stay out of it when I can, but I'm pretty sure it's about Lily wanting to be able to go down to the boardwalk alone and Sasha not letting her because it can be dangerous."
Rory made a small hum of understanding. "So, Lily thinks she's old enough to go out, and Sasha's having a hard time convincing her otherwise."
"Yep," Jess agreed. "And tonight Lily's resenting me because she thinks she doesn't need anyone to stay with her at night anymore. Hence the flying glass."
"I just can't picture her doing something like that."
"She's got Sash's temper . . . it takes a bit to set it off, but once it goes it can be down right scary." Jess sighed again, "But, it isn't anything you have to worry about, and it's not why you called . . . to hear about me. Tell me what was wrong the other day?" he asked, caring concern flooding his usually gruff voice.
Rory's stomach fluttered a bit at his tone, and she found herself needing a distraction to calm down before getting to the reason she called. "Well, of course it's something I have to worry about if Lily's throwing things at your head."
"Nah, she's got horrible aim. She missed me by a foot and a half. Now stop stalling, and tell me what was wrong."
"It was just . . . um, Sigmund and I had a fight," she said softly, all her prior planning flying out the window.
"Oh." Jess's tone went from concerned to flat with that one syllable. "That's too bad. I'm sure you'll work it out," he said unconvincingly.
"I don't think so; he broke up with me." She heard Jess's breath hitch followed by him swallowing with an audible gulp.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he said with even less conviction that before.
Rory laughed under her breath. "Liar."
"What happened?" he asked, ignoring her statement.
"Sig . . . he kept asking me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and I kept telling him no."
"And he broke up with you because of that?" Jess wasn't yelling, but his anger was nearly palpable even over the phone. After his question he got very quiet, and only his harsh breathing registered.
"Jess? What's going on? I don't like it when you're silent like this."
He spoke after another moment of quiet. "Sorry. I was just trying to figure out how long it would take me to get to Connecticut so I can slam his teeth down his throat."
"No, Jess," Rory said in a rush, "you don't have to do that. It wasn't like that."
"Well, what was it like then? Why shouldn't I come back there and beat the shit out of the guy?"
"Because it wasn't his fault. I wouldn't do what he asked because . . . because . . ." Rory stammered and faltered before trailing off entirely. She wasn't sure she could do this anymore.
"Because of what, Rory?" Jess ground out. "What the hell is going on?"
"I still have feelings for you!" she blurted out. "Sigmund broke up with me because I think I'm still in love with you!"
A droning dial tone was Jess's response to her revelation.
Rory pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it, wide-eyed and open- mouthed. The steady hum of the dial tone filled her mind and held her immobile, unable to react to this bizarre turn of events. Usually, she was the one hanging up on him. With the sound of her blood rushing in indignation replacing the humming of the phone in her ears, Rory angrily depressed the buttons to call Jess back.
"I'm sorry," Jess rasped when he finally re-answered the phone. His breathing sounded too fast and too shallow.
"You hung up on me?" Rory's voice was shrill and verging on hysterical. "You actually hung up on me!"
"And I said that I'm sorry," he whispered again, his breathing still not sounding right.
"I can't believe you did that!"
"Stop yelling at me!" Jess's breathing picked up speed again and a clattering rattled in the background. "Shit. Lily!"
Rory listened as a scuffling occurred on Jess's end of the line, syllables of concern in Lily's girlish voice melted over the phone. Finally, Rory was addressed again.
"Um, hello?"
"Lily, what's going on?"
"I . . . I'm not sure, Rory," Lily fairly whimpered. "Jess is all sweaty and hyperventilating, and . . . wait, he wants me to get him something." The phone was dropped with a crash of plastic on tiled floor and the faint rushing of water became audible.
"Lily! Lily, talk to me!" Rory was starting to hyperventilate herself. It sounded like Jess was dying, and it was her fault for telling him how she felt. She felt utterly helpless and kept crying into the phone for someone to tell her what was happening. Minutes that felt like years passed before she got an answer.
"Rory, you still there?" Jess's voice was dry and rough, but it was his voice, and the sound of it made Rory cry harder. He tried to soothe her. "Shh, Rory, it's all right. I'm fine. Baby, stop crying, please. It's okay."
She gulped in mouthfuls of air, snuffling until she sobered enough to form words. "Jess? What happened? What's the matter?"
"Not sure," he answered. "I think I had a panic attack. Can't be sure though, I've never had one before."
"Why?" Rory wanted to know.
"I never had reason to have one before," Jess answered with a bark that would have been a laugh had his throat not been so dry.
Rory wanted to be stern with him, scold him for making light of the situation, but she was too happy to know that he was okay to pull it off. Instead her question came out sounding almost giddy. "Why have one now?"
"Because you scared the hell out of me," he said matter-of-factly.
"What?"
"Don't try that innocent act. After three years, you lay that on me, and you expected me to take it with a smile and a thank you?"
She was offended by his tone and what he was saying, so Rory lashed back. "Well, I certainly expected you to be a little tougher and not crumple into a wheezing lump!"
"You want me to hang up on you again?" Jess snapped. "'Cause keep it up and I will." He sighed heavily into the phone and then replaced the expelled air with a deep breath. "Ah, hell. This was not supposed to happen like this."
"What does that mean?" Rory's voice was colored with confusion. She reached up and pulled a throw pillow from the couch into her lap, twisting and folding the corners of the soft velour square between trembling fingers.
"I've imagined you saying what you said to me, but I always saw it on my terms . . . me showing up at your dorm or your house and goading you into admitting how you felt. You never said it first."
Rory's brow creased as she thought about what Jess had just said. "You've imagined me telling you that I still love you?"
"Yeah," he told her quietly, "but I always had to say it first."
Her heart skipped in her chest. "But . . . then, does that mean that you still . . . ?"
Jess breathed a short laugh. "Seems that way."
"Oh," Rory sighed happily, trying to hold back a grin. "Well, okay."
"We're pathetic," he said suddenly.
"What makes you say that?"
"We know how this situation turns out, and here we are right back at the beginning of it again," Jess reminded her with a heavy note of depression in his voice.
Rory shivered to hear such sadness in his tone when she was so happy. "How can we already know how this is going to turn out? We're completely different people than we where when we tried this the first time. It can be completely different this time . . . better."
"I wish I had your optimism," Jess sighed.
"We won't know how it's going to end unless we try, Jess," Rory told him firmly. "It seems like we both want to, and maybe, since we keep coming back together, we're supposed to try."
"God, we're really going to do this again, aren't we?"
"You don't have to say it like that. It's not like I'm asking you to help me hide a body or anything."
Jess finally laughed. "No, that would probably be easier. But . . . we'll see."
"Good," Rory replied with smug satisfaction. "I'm glad we got that settled."
"Yeah, yay for us. So . . . anything else new?"
"Not really. Mom tried to throw me a surprise birthday party, but I found out about it from Lane about a week ahead of time so I was prepared for it."
"Were they going to make you wear a pointy paper hat all night?" Jess wondered.
She laughed. "No, no hats. You're still not over that are you?"
"I will never be over that. Me and a dozen dogs all wearing party hats and eating ice cream. Sasha's lucky I even come over here anymore after that."
"I think it sounds cute."
"I'm sure you do." Jess cleared his throat. "Hey, Rory?"
"What?" She got momentarily nervous that he was going to change his mind about everything.
"Would it be okay if I ended the call now? Not that I don't want to talk to you, but I really think I should lie down. My head is splitting," Jess told her.
"Oh, yeah, sure," Rory assured him. "You go and try and feel better. I'll talk to you later, right?"
"Right," he said firmly. "Good night, then, and . . .Iloveyou."
The words had come out in a rush, smashed together like cars in a pile-up, but she understood them perfectly. "I love you, too, Jess. Good night." She waited until she heard the dial tone again before hanging up herself. Then she squealed like a little girl being told that she was going to get a pony. Rory jumped up and skipped around the room giggling and grinning. The grin stayed on her face until her happy bounding took her into her bedroom, and she caught sight of a picture of her and Lorelai on the dresser.
"Oh, crap."
Author's Note: I'm terribly sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I wrote three entirely different versions before I was reasonably happy with the outcome. I've also had to squeeze in writing while looking for and interviewing for a new job, which I have now happily found. The next chapter will be up as soon as it's finished, and it will also be the last chapter of the story. Please review if you have the time.